The Surgeon's Favorite Nurse (12 page)

“So what you’re trying to say is that you and Jake are hooking up?” Charity asked.

Hope shook her head. “I’m trying to tell you that I’m past the grief. But there is no me and Jake. Or anyone else for that matter. It’s the only way I know to keep from hurting like that. I don’t want to ever experience that dark pit of despair again.”

The silence dragged on as she studied her sisters, hoping the message to stand down had gotten through. They stared back until Faith slanted their younger sister a look.

Charity nodded, then stretched and yawned. It wasn’t a great performance. “I’m tired.”

“You shower first,” Faith directed.

“Roger. We have a plane to catch tomorrow.” Charity slid off the bed and stood. “Speaking of tomorrow, there’s still time to swing by the Michael Kors store. I bet that evening bag is still there.”

“You’re probably right,” Hope said. “No one can afford it.”

“No, really, we can, if we all chip in. I can work out a custody agreement satisfactory to everyone. Trust me.”

Hope laughed. “Never trust anyone who says ‘Trust me.’”

“I thought you were exhausted,” Faith reminded her, nodding toward the bathroom.

“Yeah. Right.” Charity moved around the bed. “Lusting after something I’ll never have is a giant energy suck.”

When the door closed Faith said, “I’m sure you can relate to what she just said. And I don’t mean pricey purses.”

“You drew the short straw,” Hope guessed. “The one who has to talk some sense into me.”

Faith shrugged. “So tell me about Jake.”

This would be best handled by pretending he was just a friend and that they hadn’t had sex. “Jake had a difficult childhood. His dad walked out on the family and he and his mom ended up on the streets.”

“Oh, my.”

“Yeah.” Hope warmed to her subject. “In spite of that, he got an education. Went to college and med school. He’s a gifted surgeon and works a couple weekends a month at a free clinic. And he bought a house for his mother.”

“Have you met her?” Faith asked.

“Yes. Very nice woman who is understandably proud of her son.”

“Now tell me about Jake and
you
.”

“There is no Jake and me.”

Faith nodded as if she’d expected that answer. “That’s because you’re building barriers as fast as you can.”

“What does that mean?” Hope removed her feet from the ottoman and slid forward in the chair.

“You like him. He likes you.” Faith put up a hand to shush the protest. “Don’t waste breath. I could see it every time you looked at each other. The electricity coming off you two could light the Vegas Strip for a month.”

No way, Hope thought. She’d been careful to hide her emotions. “Your imagination is working overtime.”

Faith’s eyes narrowed. “You slept with him.”

Hope’s heart felt like it stopped for two beats, then speeded up double time. “Where in the world did you get that idea?”

“I was fishing, but you just confirmed it. The best defense is a robust offense. You went to bed with him and now you feel guilty.”

The bad news was her sister could see through her. It was also the good news even though right this minute she wasn’t sure why that was so. “I will neither confirm nor deny that you’re right.”

“It doesn’t matter whether I’m right. The fact is that you’re attracted to him. And that’s a wonderful thing. It’s a sign that you’re moving forward.”

“Wrong,” Hope said. “This job is temporary. I’m not staying in Las Vegas and Jake’s practice is here. His mother is here. Staying put is a deal breaker for me. There’s nothing now nor will there ever be anything between Jake and me.”

“But there could be. And the job could be permanent if you said the word.”

“That’s true. But this is my life, not a romance novel. There are no happy endings for me and I won’t take a permanent position.”

Faith’s eyes brimmed with sadness. “Hope, honey, I understand why you’re protecting yourself. I do. This is me. I held you when you cried after Kevin died. The thing is, if you keep on like this you’ll miss the pain, but you’ll also miss out on the passion.”

She’d had passion and pain. If those were her choices,
she’d prefer to continue in this holding pattern that was neither.

“I’m okay with that,” Hope said.

“Kevin wouldn’t be okay with it. He was all about living and loving.”

The words pierced her protective shell and lodged in her heart. He had been all that, Hope remembered sadly and glared at her sister. “That was low.”

“I’m okay with that,” Faith echoed. “Whatever it takes to get through. You should know better than anyone about this precarious, unexpected fragile thing we call life. Stuff happens. You need to grab every possible moment of happiness and hang on with both hands.”

“Tell me how to stop loving Kevin so I can let someone else into my heart.”

“Oh, sweetie, you don’t have to stop. You’ll always love Kevin. No one expects that to go away. But it doesn’t mean that you can’t fall in love again. There’s no reason you can’t find another man to build a life with.”

“What if my definition of a happy life is to not be hurt again?”

“No one can guarantee that.”

“And that’s my point.”

“Oh, Hope—” Faith’s shoulders slumped and there was surrender in her expression. “I had to try and talk some sense into you.”

“I love you, too.” Hope stood and hugged her sister. “And I appreciate it. Good try. But I’ve got to navigate this situation the best way for me.”

Faith nodded. “But do me a favor. When Charity comes out of the bathroom, just tell her you’ve seen the light and I saved you.”

Hope arched one eyebrow. “So you guys did have a plan.”

“Yeah. Me first. She was reinforcements.”

“I have the world’s best sisters.”

“And don’t you ever forget that,” Faith said with a grin.

As if, Hope thought. The family she’d been born into was all she needed. At least it had been until she’d met Jake.

Part of her wanted him to know the whole story of the night Kevin died. The other part was against that because he would hate her as much as she hated herself.

A
fter four days of dealing with the final county, state and federal building inspections, Jake walked into Hope’s office, eager to share the good news.

He stood in the open doorway and indulged himself in just looking at her before she noticed him, before she put the emotional walls up. The way she worried her full bottom lip made his chest ache with yearning. She toyed with a lock of hair and it made him want to bury his fingers in the thick, silky strands. Her tired sigh made him want to hold her. And that was the hell of it.

He needed to get her in his arms or out of his system because living in limbo wasn’t working for him.

She glanced up from the computer monitor, saw him and did a double take, and then seemed to withdraw. “Jake. Hi.”

“You looked deep in thought about something.”

“Just cleaning up e-mail. How long have you been standing there?”

Too long. Not long enough. He couldn’t decide. There was no answer to the question of how long it would take to look his fill. “Just a few seconds.”

“Please don’t tell me that yet another agency is here to inspect something.”

“Why would you assume that? Just because we’ve been under the microscope for the city, county, state and federal governments?”

She glared at him. “If you’re here to check out the interior of my desk, I should warn you that it might
look
like I impulsively dumped everything in there so the rest of the office would appear tidy, but I have a system and know where everything is.”

He laughed and suddenly it was clear why this was his first stop after a long week. Looking at her didn’t make him want to run screaming from the room. In fact, she was a beautiful woman. But it was her sharp wit and sense of humor that made all the tension go away. There was nowhere else he’d rather be and no one else he’d rather be with. Her office was tidier than the first time they’d met, but there was nothing neat about his feelings.

He walked farther into the room and leaned a hip on the corner of her orderly desk. “The inspection is what I’m here to talk about.”

“It’s the Nevada Department of Health, isn’t it? What’s wrong?” She looked grim, trying to interpret good news or bad from his expression. “The environment of care stinks? Procedure manuals don’t meet the standard? Staff licenses and certifications are not up-to-date? Smoke detectors don’t work? The computer system has been taken over by aliens?”

He folded his arms over his chest. “Why are you going to the bad place?”

“It’s easier to go there first because one doesn’t have to brace for good news.”

If anyone knew that it was her. Faith had told him about the sudden and violent loss of Hope’s husband. The man had just been doing his job. It was impossible to imagine getting that kind of news, the kind that would forever change a person. Jake had been teasing her, but now he felt like the planet’s lowest and most insensitive life form.

“It’s all good,” he said quickly. “We passed the final hurdle. Since we’re all about health care it seems appropriate to get the go-ahead from the Department of Health. Val Davis is flying up to Carson City to pick up the license at the state capital. Once she has it, Mercy Medical West is open for business.” He grinned down at her. “You’ve done a hell of a job, Nurse Carmichael.”

“Thank you. That’s wonderful news.”

Her radiant smile chased the shadows from her eyes and something twisted inside him. It was all about his need to keep the carefree expression on her face forever.

“It’s the best possible outcome,” he said. “I’m doing the dance of joy.”

She leaned back in her chair. “I would never have guessed.”

“Like the chaos in your desk drawers, it doesn’t show. But I guarantee that inside I’m having a victory party.”

“As well you should. You’re about to get everything you’ve worked for, Jake. Everything you want. You deserve this and should be proud. A celebration is in order, Doctor.”

He stood, then leaned closer to her, putting his palms flat on the desk. “Have dinner with me. We’ll have an expensive bottle of champagne and celebrate together.”

The vibration of his words hadn’t even died away before she was shaking her head. “Thanks, but I can’t.”

“Why?”

“I still have work.”

“Join the club. But it will be there tomorrow. I guarantee the paperwork elves will not sneak in and do it for you. Now that we’re all but open, you can slow down the pace.” The adrenaline of a challenge pumped through him. This time he wouldn’t take no for an answer.

“It’s been a brutal week and that’s not going to change when the hospital opens.”

“All the more reason to kick up our heels now.”

She looked surprised that he hadn’t backed down. “Well, you could round up some of the others whose blood, sweat and tears helped make this moment possible.”

“No. This time I just want to take you to dinner. A quiet, romantic place with flowers on the tablecloths, candles and very expensive champagne. Somewhere the two of us can savor the satisfaction of goals met, obstacles overcome.”

“I can’t do that, Jake.”

“Why not?”

When pain trickled into her eyes he wanted to back off, make it go away. But maybe the time had come to get it all out in the open. Sometimes the body needed invasive therapy to get rid of damaged or diseased tissue. Maybe intervention was good for the soul, too.

“Are you afraid to be alone with me?” he asked.

“Of course not. Why would I be?”

“You tell me. We had dinner with my mom and went sightseeing with your sisters. All evidence points to the fact that you’ll hang out with me if there are chaperones, but not just the two of us. So I must have failed inspection. Somehow I’m deficient.”

“It’s not you.” She shook her head. “There’s something wrong with me.”

“That’s not true, Hope.”

“I beg to differ.”

“This is about losing your husband. Faith told me how he died. And I know what you said about not leading me on, but sooner or later you—”

“I bet she didn’t tell you that it’s my fault Kevin is dead.” There was anger and recrimination in her voice.

Startled, he straightened away from her. “It can’t be—”

“Yeah, it can. I’m the reason he was there that night.”

He shook his head. “Your husband was doing his job. He was in the wrong place at the wrong time.”

“Because I encouraged him.” Her eyes were bleak. “Technically he was off the clock, but a call came in to the office. The cops needed a social worker to ride along when they removed a child from an abusive situation. Everyone else was tied up and he didn’t want a kid in danger any longer than necessary.”

Jake didn’t think he could ever measure up to that kind of noble memory, but he couldn’t throw in the towel either. Not when she looked the way she did.

“Okay. So he was on overtime. That doesn’t make you to blame for what happened.”

“He called me because it was our first wedding anniversary. I had a special dinner planned. Flowers. Table linens. Candles. Romantic. We’d decided it was time to start trying for the baby we both wanted so badly.”

He didn’t know what to say. If he was in surgery there’d be no question. Scalpel, suction, skill and sutures would repair the damage. Words were his only tool and the right ones deserted him.

“The timing sucks,” he finally said. “But it was still his job.”

“You don’t understand.” She stood and started pacing.

“Explain it to me.”

“All I had to say was let someone else go. If I had encouraged him to come home and celebrate our anniversary he would have. But that’s not what I did. I told him to go do his job. That he was the best one to be there for a scared child. Dinner would keep and I’d be waiting for him when he came home.”

He never came home, Jake realized. Someone had called her with the bad news. “It’s not your fault, Hope. Taking the blame is all about trying to control an uncontrollable situation. It’s not possible—”

“You think I don’t know that?” she said. “We’d been together since college. We made plans, worked and saved for a wedding. A house with enough bedrooms for two kids. We got married and planned so things would be perfect when the time was right to have a baby. And that night, in a split second, everything went horribly wrong. He said he’d come home if I said the word, but I didn’t say it.”

He moved to block her path, then put his hands on her shoulders. “And you didn’t point a gun at him or pull the trigger. It’s time to stop punishing yourself. You’re a good person. You deserve happiness.”

She shook her head. “I don’t ever want to go through that again.”

“There’s no reason to believe you will.”

“I’m not willing to take that chance. You don’t know what it’s like to lose someone.”

Not entirely true. He’d lost his father. Technically the bastard had walked out, but he was still gone. Would it be worse if he knew for sure that the guy was no longer on the
face of the earth? He’d never know and it was still different from what she was going through.

“You can’t give up,” was all he could think of to say.

“I already have.” Her eyes were bleak. “After the shock wore off, I had an emotional meltdown every day. Sometimes it was private, but not always. I couldn’t control the grief. In public it was humiliating and horrible.” She met his gaze. “One minute I’d be laughing. The next I’d hear a song that reminded me of him and end up on the floor sobbing.”

He’d never wanted to hold her more than he did right then. If wrapping her in his arms would assure her that nothing bad would ever happen again, he’d do it. But no one could promise that.

“Hope…”

She met his gaze. “Then I began to realize something. After every episode there was more time until the next one. A couple of days would go by before I fell apart again. Pretty soon the memory of losing him wasn’t the first thing that popped into my mind when I woke up in the morning. Weeks would pass without remembering he was gone.”

“It’s called healing. You go on living your life as before.”

Her eyes blazed with anger. “After falling off a cliff, if it’s survivable you heal. That doesn’t mean you do it again. If there’s enough pain, you stop climbing mountains.”

“Listen to me, Hope.” Gently he squeezed her arms, just enough to get her attention. “If anyone understands dedication to the job it’s me. Did you ever consider the possibility that your husband would have gone on that call even if you’d asked him to come home?”

“No—” She shook her head.

“Be honest. Sometimes the job has to come first. Kevin sounds like he was a really good man. There was a kid who
needed him. It never occurred to him that he couldn’t do what had to be done and still get home to you.”

Her eyes widened as she let out a long sigh. “Maybe he’d have gone anyway. Maybe I knew that—”

“It’s not your fault, Hope.” If he repeated it enough, she might start to believe.

She nodded, but the tears welling in her eyes slid down her cheeks. Jake gathered her against him and held her, just to comfort her, but the quiet crying didn’t stop.

One minute Hope was in Jake’s arms, the next he’d hustled her out into the parking lot without anyone seeing the humiliating meltdown. He didn’t let go of her until he’d unlocked the car door and handed her into the passenger seat. The leather was soft but cold and she missed the warmth of his body.

He got in beside her and started the car, then pulled out onto Warm Springs Road. After making a right on Durango Road, he made a left onto the 215 Beltway and headed…Somewhere. She didn’t even care.

Hope leaned back against the seat and closed her eyes, but that didn’t stop the tears from leaking out. Part of her wondered where Jake was taking her and the other part didn’t give a damn.

She didn’t know how much time passed before he drove through a familiar gated entry and a minute later into his driveway. The front of the house looked exactly as it had the two times she’d been there, bright with strategic lighting. She liked his place. It was a reflection of him—brilliant and noble. Fighting against that hadn’t worked out very well and the battle was wearing on her.

Jake shut off the car, then exited and came around to her side. When he opened the door and held out his hand,
she put her fingers into his wide, warm palm and let him help her out. The chill wind blew, making her shiver.

He pulled her against him and said, “Let’s get you inside.”

She’d barely nodded before he was moving forward. After unlocking the door and disarming the security system, he led her into the media room.

“Have a seat. I’m going to turn the heat up and get a fire going.”

She sat on the leather corner group and watched him press the igniter on the wall beside the fireplace where flames instantly appeared. A small smile curved her mouth when she thought he probably wouldn’t win any wilderness badges, but she was grateful for not having to wait long for the heat.

Right after he disappeared down the hall she heard the hum of the furnace. When he came back, his suit coat and silk tie were gone and he was carrying a brown-, beige- and peach-colored afghan. He bent in front of her and took off her shoes, then met her gaze, a worried look in his eyes before tucking the blanket around her.

“I’m going to get you a brandy.”

“No. It’s okay, I don’t need—”

“How long do you want to fight it before you give in and listen to me?” He rested his forearm on his thigh and studied her.

Her eyes hurt from crying and she was just plain tired of fighting. His fiercely protective expression had already started to warm her, but she said, “Brandy would be nice. Thank you.”

He nodded, then stood and disappeared somewhere beyond where she was sitting, mesmerized by the dancing flames. A clink of glass told her he was making good on
the promise, then he reappeared with a snifter in his hand and held it out.

“Thanks.” Their fingers brushed when she took the glass and electricity arced from the point of contact all the way to her toes.

“I’m going to fix something to eat,” he said.

So there she sat looking at a cheerful fire and holding a glass of brandy. After taking a sip, she shuddered at the taste, then closed her eyes and let the warmth roll clear through her.