Authors: Suzanne Jenkins
“I’m so sorry about Ed, Pam. I can see you’re distraught. Please forgive me for what’s happened. I take so much of the responsibility.”
Pam turned and stared at her face, searching her eyes, uncomprehending for a moment. Finally, she figured out what the poor woman was talking about. “Do you think this is because of Ed?”
Gladys nodded her head.
Pam took her hand. “It’s not, okay? My mood has nothing to do with your son. But since we are confessing to each other, you better come over here and sit down because I have to tell you something.” She pulled out a kitchen chair and pointed to it. Gladys sat down, and Pam started to pace.
“I ended it with Dan tonight. That’s why I’m upset,” she said.
Gladys put her hand to her face and sighed. “I’m so sorry. He was a very nice man. Not very good timing, though, was it?”
Pam agreed, nodding her head. “No, the timing sucked. But I have to tell you something else. I don’t know what our kids are going to do with each other, but I feel I owe you the truth about something. I have AIDS. My husband had it, and he gave it to me. We have our share of secrets and lies, so what happened with Ed the other day is really very minor in the scheme of things. Sometimes, I need a reminder that I am in no position to judge another human being. What happened to me tonight helped put things in perspective. After what my husband did to our family, I should be more compassionate.”
The news about Pam’s health upset Gladys because she was a woman who had few friends and was growing fond of Pam. That she had AIDS just made it that much more clear to Gladys how little they really had in common, but that she was a human being and nothing more.
“Oh, how awful for you,” she said. They embraced, and then Gladys asked the standard health-related questions, and Pam answered them, giving her spiel about safety.
“I feel like I needed to warn you of all this,” Pam said.
But Gladys was not frightened. “I have always said that we were honored to have Lisa as our daughter-in-law. Big Ed feels the same way, too. Especially now. Lisa has the right to leave Ed. But I hope she doesn’t. I pray they can work it out.”
“Do you want tea?” Pam asked.
Gladys said yes, and they made tea and drank it into the night, sharing stories of motherhood. The wait staff had cleaned up the mess of the party, and all that was left was getting the old ladies back to the city. The Fords offered to take them rather than hiring a car.
“Are you sure?” Pam asked, dubious. “Those two can be a handful.”
“My husband is under their spell right now, so yes, I’m sure. It’ll be an honor.”
The next morning the Fords took Bernice and Nelda home, only Lisa, Megan and Brent were left in the house. Pam sat at the kitchen table, looking out over the ocean, allowing thoughts of Dan to enter her mind. Getting out her phone, she saw he’d called her hourly through the night. It energized her to clean his things out of her bedroom and bathroom. After having no sleep, she worked, loading up trash bags and boxes with his belongings, hugely relieved that she hadn’t allowed him to move in. But she did have a year of memories with him, a routine they shared, friends in common, and it was going to be a rough road. She thought of Jeff Babcock, how she was going to have to tell him, unless he already knew. He was her best friend. How could she juggle that now, knowing he was in touch with Dan on an almost daily basis?
“Worry about it later,” she said. “This is small potatoes compared to what I’ve had to deal with in the past.”
And then a new idea: maybe she wasn’t meant to be with a man. Maybe she needed to take time to be alone, rebuild a life that didn’t include learning to trust someone. A little voice said,
What Dan did wasn’t so bad
. Pam didn’t know for sure. Was it a minor thing to tell his sisters she had AIDS? Clearly, they were disturbed by the information if they weren’t going to allow her to cook breakfast for a bunch of men. Comically, the thought came to her that the heat from the stove would kill her germs. She wished she would have said that when it all happened. It would have diffused the entire situation. But that kind of off-the-cuff humor was never her forte. She was Pam of Babylon. It took her longer to see the cruelty in people, longer to recognize the mean intentions or innuendoes because she saw only the good. She didn’t have sarcasm to fall back on; witty comments and quick anecdotes were not her thing.
“I’m a dud,” she said, laughing. And then she thought of Jack who teased her unmercifully about this issue. Pam had no sense of humor. The family would banter and tease, and their laughter and jokes would swirl around her head too quickly for her to sort out and make sense of. It took years of living with Jack for her to figure out that he didn’t intend his sarcasm to be cruel. Sometimes, it came out that way, but he was doing it in love.
She picked up the phone to call Dan and allow him to explain what the intention was of telling her very private business to his sisters. He answered on the first ring.
“I’m so sorry,” he said. She could hear it in his voice.
“Why would you tell them?” She was steeling herself for lies from him, excuses and self-righteousness.
“I thought my sister would help me work through it,” he answered. “She’s a nurse, so I didn’t think she’d have the prejudices I encountered with her. I was immediately sorry I’d confided in her.”
“If you had to work through it, why didn’t you tell me? We could’ve worked together,” Pam said.
“I thought she’d have something reassuring to say. That’s all. I was worried about myself, selfishly.”
“So you lied to me when you said it didn’t make any difference to you.” Pam was starting to regret calling him.
“Look, imagine the tables reversed,” he pleaded.
“Oh, my God. You
aren’t
going to go there, are you? That is definitely an argument of youth.
What if you were in my shoes?
You’re an adult man, Dan. You know what AIDS is. You know how I got it. To betray me by going to your sisters just might be unforgiveable. I haven’t decided yet.”
“Please forgive me, Pam. Please. I’ll do anything I have to regain your trust. Anything.”
“I have your belongings packed,” she said smugly.
Sighing, he said, “I guess I deserve it. Please, what can I do to make it up to you?”
“Tell your sisters I’m taking over the kitchen,” she said firmly. “That farm belongs to you, too. Stand up to them and tell them my daughter and I are going to be there in the morning to start cooking.”
In stunned silence, Dan thought for just a moment about what it would mean to defy his older sisters. “Why is it so important to you?” he asked softly.
“Are you going to do it or not? Because if you aren’t, we can hang up and I never want to talk to you again.”
“Okay,” he said quickly. “I’ll go over there in the morning. How much force do you expect me to use?”
She thought about what that meant. Forcing someone who was afraid of the disease to accept her might lead to public exposure. But she no longer cared about such things. Let the whole world know she had AIDS, as long as she was the one doing the telling. It was her body in question, no one else’s. Now that he had betrayed her, he needed to stand up for her.
“Whatever it takes for me to be able to work in that kitchen,” she answered. The farmhand breakfast had become an icon to her. She would cook for them now, even if it meant building her own damn kitchen. Dan agreed to do whatever she wanted, so she would test him. But she’d also had a change of heart about him; they would no longer be
intimate life partners
, the phrase he used to describe their relationship. As far as she was concerned, their intimacy was finished. She would no longer sleep with Dan again, no matter what he did for her. If he was able to secure her position as a cook in the farmhand kitchen, she’d speak to him, but that was it.
Lisa bathed and dressed Megan and was going to nurse her one more time before leaving for home. The beach had momentarily lost its allure. Ed never came back. Lisa assumed he was at the casino with her uncle, but when the uncle returned to the beach without Ed, he said he’d gone alone. Quickly packing up their minivan, her aunt Susan furious with him, forgetting her own flirtatious behavior, they left for Connecticut.
“Where the hell is Ed?” Lisa said, looking at Pam and Brent for ideas.
“Maybe he went home,” Brent said.
“Will you come with me? I’m almost afraid to go home alone.”
“Count me out,” Brent replied. “The last thing I need to see right now is gangly Ed hanging from a noose.”
“Brent! That’s awful. It never even occurred to me that he might harm himself.” She was worried what she might find now. “Mom, would you come?”
“Sorry, honey, Dan and I ended it last night, and all I want to do today is recover from the weekend.” Pam was not allowing any Lisa-driven drama to ruin her day.
“Mom, we need Dan as our lawyer,” Lisa said, aggravated. “Couldn’t you have worked through your problems?”
“For Christ’s sake, Lisa,” Brent said. “How fucking selfish can you get?”
“Ed’s life might be ruined. Why did you have to break up with Dan now, of all times?” Lisa said, whining.
“Sorry, but no, I had to do it. He told his sisters about the AIDS diagnosis.”
“What a jerk,” Brent said. “You should have told us sooner.” Brent was flexing his muscles; Pam had to turn away to keep from laughing. He didn’t look like he’d be able to hold his own weight up much longer, let alone defend her honor.
“Thank you, son,” Pam said softly. “He’s already called, begging for forgiveness. I’ve given him an ultimatum.”
Lisa perked up. “What might that be?”
Pam explained about the farmhand breakfast, the idea that she and Lisa could take over, and then the response from the sisters.
Lisa listened, hopeful. The breakfast had become something to look forward to. “Did he agree?”
“He did. And I doubt he would abandon Ed because we broke up. I’m not even sure that’s legal.” Pam turned to make coffee. “Anyway, I’m going to give you some advice. Let Ed handle his problems. It sounds like you two will have a lot to deal with, and his legal issues shouldn’t be part of it.”
“I can’t turn my back on him,” Lisa said.
“Of course not. Listen to what I’m saying, Lisa.” Pam turned to her. “Don’t involve yourself in his arrest problems. You can be there to support him, but don’t interfere. The last thing he needs is a wife poking her nose in his business.”
Lisa looked at her mother, shocked. “So I should handle it like you did? Just look the other way?”
“Lisa,” Brent shouted. “Get a grip.”
Pam put her hand out to Brent. “It’s okay,” she said. “No, Lisa, I’m not asking you to look the other way. You should be up in his face, demanding answers. But let him handle his own legal problems. What I should have said is that a wife’s interference might harm him in the long run. It might even harm you.” Pam’s words defused Lisa’s anger at Pam and at her husband.
“Sorry,” Lisa said, mumbling. She buckled Megan in her seat, picked it up by the handle, and left for her car without saying goodbye. Everyone needed to go their separate ways and let some of the tension loosen up. Pam thought Brent was in denial about his own issues, but nothing had come to the surface for him to deal with.
After Lisa left, Pam poured another cup of coffee. “I guess I feel sort of guilty that I let her leave for home alone. Who knows what she’ll find there?”
Brent took the pot and poured himself a cup. “If he did something rash, you being there won’t help.”
They sat silently, looking out over the water.
“It’s times like this I really notice your father’s absence,” Pam confessed.
Brent gave a chuckle. “Mother, what in God’s name do you think he’d say about Ed if he was alive? I doubt Ed would even be an issue. Lisa would be dating some ass from high school.”
“You might be right. Jack would want all of our attention focused on him.” She turned to Brent. Now was as good a time as any to bring up Julie. “So, I had a call from your former girlfriend.”
Brent visibly bristled. “Oh? What did she want?” He sipped coffee, waiting. “I mean, she didn’t leave Pasadena in the best of circumstances. What did she hope to accomplish by calling you?”
“Brent, she has a lot of venom. I decided to hope what she accused you of wasn’t true. No mother wants to hear that garbage about her child.” Pam wondered if Brent would deny it or try to weasel out. Or maybe it wasn’t true, after all.
“What did she say?” He was looking at her intensely, hoping Julie had spared her the seamier details.
“She accused you of lying to her about your job. She said you’d been unfaithful to her.” Pam turned to Brent, searching his face. He still looked like that innocent little boy she’d loved. She didn’t want to divulge the uglier things Julie had said. It just wasn’t appropriate conversation between a mother and a son. But she had to let him know she was aware of some of it. “She said you were hiding your true sexuality from her.”
Brent slid off the barstool and went to the window to look out at the beach. It would be a nice beach day again. An old wives tale said that if it was nice weather on Memorial Day, the whole month of June would be nice.
“I have an idea,” Brent said, ignoring her comment. “Let’s spend the day on the beach. Just you and me, like we used to when I was a kid. We can even make lunch so we don’t need to come back in the house again. I feel like we could benefit from a little isolation from the outside world. What do you say?”
Pam smiled at him. “You’re avoiding me.”
“Yeah, probably. We can talk when we’re on the beach, okay? Right now I feel like the walls are closing in on me.”
She decided to go with the flow. If her son wanted to spend the day relaxing with her, how could she say no? There’d be plenty of time later to face reality.
Lisa pulled into the garage, breathing a sigh of relief. Ed’s car was there. She hoped he was okay in the house. Baby Megan had fallen asleep, and Lisa got her out of the car seat without waking her up. Opening the kitchen door, she braced herself for the carnage of a suicide, but it was empty. She quietly went up the daunting staircase, holding on to Megan. At the top of the stairs, she listened carefully and didn’t hear anything. It was safe to move forward. Megan’s room was on the other side of the master suite, and she averted her head as she walked by, just in case. She wanted the baby in her crib, safe, with the door closed, before making any gruesome discoveries.