two
It had been her maternal grandmother,
Mammi
Adah, who’d taught Grace Byler to print her name, even before Grace attended the one-room schoolhouse on Gibbons Road. Back when Grace was just five, Mammi Adah had insisted she use her right hand for writing her letters.
“You’ll be a much better quilter if you’re right-handed,”
Mammi Adah had always said, but never in a scolding tone. No, her grandmother had a unique way of pressing her influence on her grandchildren – and others.
“A back-door approach,”
Grace’s mother had once whispered to her with a pained smile.
Now, as she read the travel directions on Heather’s special phone, Grace tried not to dwell on what Mammi thought of her making such a trip, and with an Englischer, too. Several times she’d looked down at her lap, her hands clasped so stiffly she had to will them to relax. All the while, she prayed silently.
Presently, Grace wondered why Yonnie was so sure Mamma was visiting a
friend
in Ohio. Especially since neither Dat
nor Mammi Adah had ever heard of a Susan Kempf. If she’d had more time prior to leaving the house early this morning, Grace might’ve run across the sheep pasture to ask neighbor Marian Riehl if she’d ever heard Mamma speak of this Susan. For the life of her, Grace could not remember her mother talking about anyone in Baltic, friend or relative.
Heather surprised her by starting to sing along with one of the songs stored on her fancy phone, bobbing her head and tapping her hand on the steering wheel. This made Grace even more nervous than Heather’s juggling between what she called her “playlists” and the GPS. As the car sped up with the music, Grace literally held her breath.
They moved into the left lane and passed one car, then another, all without slipping back into the slower right lane. Grace watched the highway go by and wondered if she should say anything. It surely seemed as if Heather was lost in her music.
Then, when she felt certain Heather had far exceeded the speed limit, the worldly song abruptly ended. As if on cue, the car slowed and they moved back into the other lane, and Grace felt her muscles relax slightly.
For goodness’ sake,
she thought, not wanting to interfere, yet hoping that wouldn’t happen again.
What have I done, traveling with such a fast driver?
Knowing there would be only a short lull before Heather’s next tune began to play, and hoping to get her friend’s attention on something other than her music, Grace asked tentatively, “What was your mother like?”
Heather checked the GPS once again before answering. “Well, she made the best spaghetti sauce in all of Virginia – even won first prize at the state fair – and couldn’t wait every summer to ride up the road in a Lancaster Amish buggy.” She paused a moment. “You know, when Mom learned she had cancer, she wanted so badly to live – she really fought it. After she died, there was this huge hole in my heart.” She drew in an audible breath. “One that’s still impossible to fill.”
“If it’s too painful...”
Heather nodded slowly. “Yes, that, but it’s also maddening.” She paused. “Mom’s death was the very worst thing that’s happened to Dad and me.”
Grace almost wished she hadn’t brought it up. “One of my mother’s sisters passed away suddenly several years ago. But that’s the closest death has come to my family.” She rubbed her nose, hesitant again. “My mother cried and cried over Aunt Naomi, just heartbroken.”
Heather placed both hands on the steering wheel, nodding without speaking.
Grace thought just then of her mother and Aunt Naomi’s shared secret, but there was no need to reveal what she suspected about her mother’s first beau and his gift of poetry books – books Naomi had harbored for Mamma for many years. Or that Mamma was disappointed in her marriage... maybe even wished, secretly, she’d married someone else. But none of that was necessary for an outsider’s ears. Since Mamma’s leaving, Grace had been cautious, thinking twice about what she ought to say.
“I can’t imagine having a sister, much less losing her,” Heather said softly.
Grace thought of Mandy. “My own sister and I are quite close, too. But Mandy tells me more than I ever tell her.” Yonnie unexpectedly came to mind again. “I didn’t even share with her what Yonnie asked me... out on the road.”
“No kidding?”
“We don’t make a practice of talking ’bout our fellas.” She thought of Mandy’s contrasting openness – her sister had recently shared that she hoped to soon be engaged.
“Not even if you’re dating someone seriously?”
“Not even then.” Smiling now, Grace explained, “And we call it courting, which often moves quickly to goin’ for steady – almost engaged.” She recalled how slow her former fiancé, Henry Stahl, had been to propose, but she quickly dismissed it. Grace was relieved that was over, and now Henry was most likely seeing Grace’s best friend, Becky Riehl.
Heather passed the car ahead before she spoke again. “So, romance in the Amish world sounds pretty secretive.”
“Oh, plenty of pairing up goes on. But it’s not till a couple is published two weeks before the wedding that everyone truly knows who’s getting hitched that year.”
Heather pushed her light brown hair behind one ear. “Seriously?”
“Jah, it’s our way.”
“So I guess that means you’re not going to tell me what you think of Yonnie.” Heather laughed a little. “I mean... I
overheard
what he was saying to you.”
Grace smiled, surprised she felt comfortable enough to talk like this. Truth was, off and on all during this trip, she’d pondered Yonnie’s proposing that they court. No getting around it, there were some mighty big roadblocks to that happening – Mamma’s absence being one of them. And even though Yonnie seemed to be finished getting to know other girls, she still wasn’t certain how fickle he might be.
“He seemed very eager for your answer,” Heather added.
Grace opened her window a little and breathed in the fresh outside air. “I’ll admit that sometimes there
are
a few trusted people, mostly sisters or close friends, who are taken into confidence once a girl knows she’s gettin’ married,” she said. “And mothers...”
Heather’s heart-shaped face was accentuated by her faint smile. “Looks like I’m out of luck, then.”
Grace was surprised at her wistful tone.
Surely she has many good friends back home in Virginia.
Heather glanced again at her playlist. “Well, if you’re not going to tell me, I guess I’ll just have to guess what you think of Yonnie.”
“Ach, it’s too soon after bein’ engaged to Henry....” But that was far from the truth. How could a girl not appreciate such a kind and helpful fellow? Goodness, Yonnie had basically nursed their horse Willow back to full health, and in only a few days, too. And he had a winning way of making just about anyone, Dat included, feel at ease around him. Even so, what Grace thought about Yonnie was for her own heart to know and understand.
Heather brought up her own former fiancé, saying she’d liked him immediately. “Devon and I were attracted to each other from the start.” She sighed as if she was disgusted with herself. “But that’s over now.”
“You know, I’m not sure I even want to marry,” Grace confessed.
“Hey, I’m right there with you.”
A great river spilled over Grace, sentiments desperate for a voice. She had felt like this before on the night of her twenty-first birthday, after she’d read the sweet note her mother had finally written on the pretty birthday card.
I will always love you, Grace.
Yet Mamma had disappeared before the sun rose that next morning.
She inhaled slowly, then began to open up a bit. “Frankly, before I can think of marriage, things need to be resolved... ’tween my parents, I mean. But I’m not sure that’s even possible. Truly, I hope so, but I just don’t know.” She gathered her thoughts, yearning to feel calm again. “I can’t say if I want to be courted by Yonnie or not. My mind’s locked up these days... need to see how things are with Mamma first.” She shocked herself at this admission.
Heather loosened her grip on the wheel. “Things are obviously up in the air for you.”
“In nearly every way.” Oh, but now she felt self-centered. “Well, I can’t complain. You... you’re the one who has every right to be concerned.” She didn’t need to mention Heather’s worrisome illness. “I’m ever so sorry.”
Heather shrugged but said nothing more.
If only I’d kept quiet,
Grace thought, wishing she’d brought along a good book or some needlework. Instead, she reminded herself of the Lord’s admonishment about fretting.
We’re commanded not to worry.
She turned her thoughts away from Heather Nelson and Yonnie Bontrager – and dear Mamma – and offered a heartfelt prayer for her family back home. Especially for poor Dat.
Then, staring at the air bag warning on the visor, Grace tried to relax. She leaned her head back and soon began to doze off.
She dreamed she stood in the kitchen doorway, watching her mother bustle about to lay out a hearty meal with a smile on her pretty face.
Home at last!
Grace thought. But then she realized with a sinking feeling that the kitchen was not
their
kitchen at all.
Suddenly Mamma looked up and saw Grace standing there. Grace smiled, but Mamma did not smile back. She glared.
Oh!
Grace awakened with a start.
She was filled with more dread as each mile passed, and as they moved closer and closer to the truth.
three
Lettie Byler finished reading from the Old Testament prophet Habakkuk early that afternoon, going back to reread some of her favorite verses in chapter three:
Although the fig tree shall not blossom, neither shall fruit be in the vines; the labour of the olive shall fail, and the fields shall yield no meat; the flock shall be cut off from the fold, and there shall be no herd in the stalls: Yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will joy in the God of my salvation.
Closing the Bible, she moved her chair closer to the window. Sitting again, she faced the narrow country road and stared out at an ocean of cornfields. Tired of living out of her suitcase, Lettie was also becoming weary of being a guest, although at least she was amongst her own people instead of in an Englischer’s motel.
With the remarkable passage lingering in her mind –
Yet I will rejoice in the Lord –
she thought of her rather unfruitful search for her firstborn. She wondered if anyone had ever suspected the truth, back when she was carrying Samuel’s child and
Mamm
had taken her away to Kidron, Ohio, to have the baby there. Lettie had worried that her closest family members – especially her sisters – and Samuel himself might guess her secret. Maybe they’d seen a hint of the guilt in her eyes or in the way she carried herself, shielding her stomach and the delicate life that was part hers and part Samuel’s.
Yet all the while, she had attempted to trust God for her precious unborn child... and for the unknown future. Especially in the wee hours before dawn, Lettie had sometimes
fretted, questioning if God would supply a husband for her if she was to keep her baby, as she longed to.
She remembered lying in the sweet meadow grass after chores one evening, running her hands over the length of the dark green blades and relishing the sound of bees buzzing past her... the sharp scent of clover in her nostrils. With her baby residing within her, Lettie had wanted to do God’s will above all things – now that she’d committed the transgression. Oh, it would’ve been so easy to go her own way and not do her parents’ bidding even then.
Like I ended up doing all these years later, going in search of my child without telling Judah
...
or
Mamm
and Dat.
Recalling midwife Minnie Keim’s insistence that she must eventually forgive her mother, Lettie bit her lip. For too long she’d harbored bitterness toward Mamm. Had it become too much a part of her to let go?
Lettie leaned forward to watch a car turn and drive into the lane below. “Probably someone come to buy strawberry jam,” she muttered absently.
Getting up, she found her writing tablet and pen on a small table near her suitcase. For several days she’d contemplated writing a letter to Samuel. She knew now what she must tell her former beau, the father of the daughter neither had ever known – and might never meet.
Picking up the pen, she began to write.
Dear Samuel,
I hope you are well.
Several times before now I’ve thought of writing to you. Maybe you’ve been wondering about my search. I must admit that it has been ever so difficult. I’d nearly given up hope of ever finding our child when, at last, I located the midwife who assisted me. And she believes I gave birth to a baby girl – something she managed to remember despite delivering hundreds of babies. She also gave me the name of the doctor who placed our child... hopefully with an Amish couple. Oh, I do trust and pray that is so!
I will let you know when I find out more... if I do.
Until then,
Most sincerely,
Lettie Byler
Setting down the pen, Lettie had a fleeting thought of her children back home. How she longed to see them again! But she would not mention them to Samuel, not allowing herself to become too familiar... nor too friendly. It was bad enough she’d gone shamelessly to visit him at his home in Kidron.
No, it was best she kept her distance now.
Till I find our daughter... and then what?
For the life of her, she could not imagine how that awkward reunion might possibly take place, or where. And would their child – if Lettie found her – even agree to such a meeting?
Prior to setting out for Ohio, Lettie hadn’t known how to handle the ins and outs of all this, although many nights she had pondered the weighty matters while walking the dark, deserted cornfield. She still felt as though she was groping her way in the depths of the unknown. And she felt guilty that she had never let Judah help her, or even told him of her great secret.
Lettie rose from the chair, going to stand beneath a pretty hand-stitched wall hanging. She’d found herself staring at it several times since coming here, as if trying to fasten the words in her own mind:
Remember not the sins of my youth, nor my transgressions: according to thy mercy remember thou me for thy goodness’ sake, O Lord.
“Amen – and may it be so, dear Jesus,” Lettie prayed, clasping her hands.
It was well past noon when Grace spotted the farmhouse matching the address on the GPS. “There ’tis.” She pointed, her heart in her throat.
Oh, goodness... we’re here at last!
Heather slowed the car to turn into the driveway. “Should I park here or out on the road?”
The girls deliberated whether or not it might be more courteous to park near the mailbox or in the driveway. “Let’s pull in a little ways,” Grace finally said. “Just off the road, maybe.”
She stared at the house and lovely yard, where profuse ground cover and an edging of pink lady slippers grew in the light shade beneath an oak tree out front. Grace remembered her vivid dream earlier and drew a deep breath. When she could no longer stand the suspense, she opened the car door.
Oh, please let Mamma be happy to see me
.
Together, she and Heather made their way up the drive. Because she was traveling, Grace had worn her black leather shoes, something she was glad of as she picked her way across the pebbled lane.
Heather commented on the amount of land surrounding the house. “It reminds me of the Riehls’.” Grace agreed. A good-sized horse barn stood directly behind the farmhouse, and there was pastureland beyond that. The road running past the front yard had two lanes, just like back home, with cornfields creeping right up to the grassy ditches on either side.
Tentatively, she glanced at Heather, who looked quite calm as they walked to the porch. It seemed so peculiar to make their way toward the front door. At home, no one ever used a home’s main entrance, except on a Preaching Sunday or for a funeral. “I’m ever so nervous,” Grace admitted, wishing it was her best friend, Becky, standing beside her instead; she might’ve reached for her hand for a bit of consolation. But this was not Becky – rather, a young woman Grace had met only recently. She certainly didn’t know Heather well enough to ask for any emotional support, even at such an unnerving moment.
“Let’s find out where your mom is,” Heather replied, her expression kind. “You ready?”
Nodding, Grace put on a smile. She didn’t know why, but she almost felt the house had eyes as she stood there.
Is Mamma watching?
Heather hung back a bit, saying she thought Grace’s mother should see Grace first. “In case she answers the door.”
Nodding, Grace stepped forward and raised her hand to knock.
Judah Byler had been hard at work all morning, glad to be busy. His day had included looking over the older lambs, which were in the process of being fattened up for summer’s end, when they would be sorted into feeder lambs and those ready for slaughter.
Following the noon meal he’d returned to the sheep barn, keeping his mind fully occupied. Mandy had served the delicious tuna and noodle casserole in Grace’s stead, dutifully reminding everyone that her sister had prepared the meal ahead of time. Lettie’s former place at the table, where Grace had been sitting these past two weeks, looked especially vacant, and his father-in-law, Jakob, seemed out of sorts, even leaving most of the talking to Judah’s youngest son, Joe, and Yonnie. Unusual, as Jakob had seemed to take a liking to Yonnie.
Son Adam had commented favorably on the rhubarb crunch dessert, but other than that, Judah’s oldest was also strangely silent.
They’re all missing Grace,
he thought now.
And Lettie, too.
To think both his wife and daughter were off somewhere, gone so far away.
Home’s where they belong.
But if things went well, perhaps Grace might be bringing Lettie back tomorrow... or the next day.
If Judah let himself contemplate Grace’s trip... well, he found himself grinding his teeth from a bad case of nerves. Just where was his daughter by now? Had she found Lettie?
He thought of asking Andy Riehl to phone the young driver, Heather, on her cell phone. Momentarily Judah envied Andy’s barn phone – used for the family’s bed-and-breakfast business – but the idea was a mere flicker. Besides, he had been patient about Lettie this long; couldn’t he simply let things play out the way the Lord God intended?
Yonnie caught his eye as he squatted to pick up the youngest and frailest lamb, not two yards from where Judah stood. “You think they’ve arrived yet?” asked Yonnie over his shoulder. “Grace and the Englischer?”
“Funny,” he muttered, watching Yonnie raise the little white lamb to his face and nuzzle its tiny head. “I was wonderin’ the same thing.”
“Sure hope you ain’t put out with me, Judah.”
“Fer was?”
“For tellin’ Grace where your wife’s staying out there in Ohio.”
How could he be upset? Yonnie had merely passed along the information his sister had heard from Preacher Josiah’s wife, Sally. It had been Judah’s own decision to allow Grace to go to Baltic with the Riehls’ worldly boarder. “No one’s put out, no,” he said. “It’ll be nice havin’ my wife and daughter both home... safe and sound.”
Yonnie nodded and petted the lamb. “Grace was mighty anxious to get goin’.”
Judah knew she’d been itching to locate Lettie and bring her home for some time – nearly since Lettie’d gone. No one could ever accuse Grace
of dillydallying. But as for his own procrastination – doing nothing at all to fetch his wife – well, he supposed not taking action had changed the entire course of his life. Frozen by indecision, plain and simple.
Yonnie wandered off with the lamb in his arms, seemingly satisfied with Judah’s response. Judah could see him, heading over to the horse stable, probably to look in on Willow. The old mare had certainly surprised him, improving each day against all odds. Judah watched the tall, strong lad – who’d once flat-out admitted he had his hopes set on Grace – till Yonnie disappeared from view behind the stable door.
Judah didn’t feel much like smiling as he went to check on the last of the pregnant ewes. There was no way to know what lay in store if Lettie did return. Surely she’d want to give him some explanation, and boy, would he listen this time. After all, something mighty unpleasant had caused her to run away in the first place. And in the deep of his heart, he was convinced it was mostly his doing.
But supposing Lettie doesn’t come back,
Judah fretted. What if the thing that had sent her away also kept her from wanting to return?
He scratched his beard and wondered unexpectedly what that might do to Yonnie’s plan to court and woo Grace. And what of Adam and Joe? The whole business was bound to affect them... and their future as husbands. Fact was, the entire family’s standing in the church was at risk.
Preacher Josiah had stopped by this morning to say that the ministerial brethren were in agreement:
“Lettie has one full week to get back home and confess before the People.”
Or else,
Judah thought, mighty worried about the
Bann
being put on his wife.
Hearing Yonnie talking slowly now to Willow, he realized how fond he’d become of the young man. Sighing, he freshened the bedding straw for the ewes closest to delivery, all the while attempting to dismiss his fears.
O gracious Lord, keep Lettie in your watch-care,
he prayed as he worked.
And may she return before the shun falls on her.