“So are we going to visit them or not?”
demanded Benny.
“Well, it’s not that easy, Bernard,” admonished Detective Hole. “First we would have to go to the air force base where they’re being held. Then we would have to clear our visit with the military guard there. Then wait while the three sisters decided whether to receive us. And then, if we were lucky and they chose us from the galaxy of people waiting there, we might get to see them for
fifteen minutes.”
“That military base is a real bureaucratic nightmare, Benny,” John Hotchkiss pointed out. “Take the advice of someone who’s
been there.”
“You’ve been there to see them?” asked Benny, realizing his dream might really
come true.
“Several times, but that was before the trial. Actually, I haven’t seen them since my day in court when the Catholics had me escorted out of the room. Anyway, Bernard, I don’t think they would see us, and even if they did, we might have to wait all afternoon to see them.” Detective Hole motioned to the waiter to bring
the check.
“Wouldn’t you rather do something fun?” asked John Hotchkiss who was holding a half-empty glass of water. “Maybe we could go to the zoo
or something.”
“I don’t want to go to the zoo,” said a petulant Benny. “The zoo is for little kids. If I don’t see Regina today, I never will. You don’t understand that, no
one does.”
“But Bernard…” began Detective Hole who was
immediately interrupted.
“Besides, you promised we’d do anything I wanted to do,” Benny reminded the detective, raising his voice and attracting attention. “Are you going to break your word
to me?”
“Well, no, I, I guess if that’s what you want, we’ll go then,” Detective Hole conceded. While Detective Hole paid the bill, John Hotchkiss emptied his glass of water. The group left the hotel and headed out of town to see the three psychotic sisters, as Detective Hole now referred
to them.
After arriving at the air force base, Detective Hole informed the man in charge of handling the three’s visits that he wanted to see the condemned convicts. The group was led into a waiting room, notable only for its dull and functional military decor (“You can tell a book by its cover,” K had concluded). As the three visitors and several newsmen waited for the three to see them, Detective Hole passed his time reading his pocketbook
New Testament and Book of Psalms
while Benny and John Hotchkiss talked and silently told jokes and riddles to one another lest Detective Hole attempt to offer some of his own. Detective Hole had already dropped two jokes that day, neither of which had improved his reputation, and the two were hoping to avoid a third. After the news conference, as the three of them were walking to the car, Detective Hole had offered the following riddle
to Benny:
“When was a walking stick mentioned in
the Bible?”
“I don’t know,”
said Benny.
“When Eve presented Adam with
a Cain.”
To add insult to injury, Detective Hole had proffered another one at lunch which for him was
rather risqué:
“Did you know that Lot’s wife was sinned against after she left Sodom
and Gomorrah?”
“No, I didn’t,” replied
John Hotchkiss.
“Yes, she
was assaulted.”
Time passed slowly in the waiting room. John Hotchkiss quickly ran out of things to say, so Benny began looking over some of the papers he had received at the ceremony. All of them looked very impressive at first, but after looking at a dozen or so, they all seemed to look alike and lose their importance. Detective Hole had asked Benny to leave the papers in the car, but he had refused “for
personal reasons.”
After waiting for about an hour, Detective Hole told Benny that they should leave the base, for it was obvious the three criminals had no intention of seeing them, but Benny refused and drew the detective’s attention away from their waiting by talking
with him.
“Detective Hole, you know a lot about the Bible and stuff like that,
don’t you?”
“Far be it from me to be proud, Bernard, but I do feel I am well informed on
spiritual matters.”
“Well, a friend of mine told me about this story he’d read in a magazine. It was about this religious guy who went to a desert to run around naked and starve himself, but the story said he’d get bored and started seeing naked women who would appear to him just like they had popped out of
Playboy
. Is
that so?”
“The writer either exaggerated or misconstrued the truth, Bernard. It is one of those Catholic stories that we know to be false. If this man really was religious, he wouldn’t have been lusting after the flesh. If he saw anything, it was probably a demon appearing to him in the form of a woman to
tempt him.”
“How come not
everyone’s Christian?”
“Because some people are not brought up to believe in Christ, but to believe in heathen lies. Their minds are confused by Satan until they are unable to properly understand God’s truths. That’s what missionaries are for, to help the heathen to see
God’s light.”
“Are
Muslims heathens?”
“Yes, and they’re a perfect example of how Satan confuses the mental facilities of the heathen. The mere fact that Muslims cannot see the inconsistencies and human failings of Mohammed only proves their ignorance and inferiority to us, Bernard. Did you know that before he supposedly received his revelation from God, Mohammed was nothing but a common businessman? And did you know that Mohammed couldn’t even keep his own wife faithful to him? Now how could anyone believe the sayings of a man who can’t even control his own wife? The Bible itself asks how a man who fails to rule over his own household can be trusted to lead the flock. There is no greater test to men than women, Bernard. Beware of females; they can cause nothing
but trouble.”
“Were there
really witches?”
“Maybe not witches who rode on broomsticks, but there were devil-possessed women who led men astray. Satan will do anything he can to corrupt men. Since time immemorial the devil has used women for
that purpose.”
“Well, how come there weren’t any
male witches?”
“Because men can stand up to the Devil and win. Women are weak and easily influenced by Satan, but a man is stronger and more intelligent. As Sprenger said, ‘All witchcraft comes from carnal lust which in women
is insatiable.’”
Just then a military aide walked into the room to inform the group of three that the other three had decided to
see them.
Benny jumped up and ran to the door, but he had gathered up his papers so carelessly that he soon lost control of them. They slipped through his fingers and scattered over the floor. After Benny and John Hotchkiss gathered up the papers, the group began walking across the base toward the building which housed the three sisters, their silent guards guarding, and pious priests praying. Detective Hole took credit for the three’s decision to
see them.
“You know, Bernard, they’ve never turned me away yet, and I think I know why. Deep down inside, there’s still a yearning for Christ, though they won’t admit it. They realize they have just one month to live, and they are thinking about the eternity in Hell they will soon face. I still pray at night that I can finally convert the three heathenesses before they die. Maybe today will be the day,”
he confessed.
Detective Hole had visited the three sisters at least once a week in June to try and convince them to repent of their atheism and Catholicism and convert to Christianity, but since Detective Hole met with no success, his visits became more infrequent until they ended altogether in September. Detective Hole felt that he had done his best to show the three the light (“America itself needs missionaries,” he often reminded his friends), but he knew that Satan and the Pope had so befuddled the three’s thoughts that conversion was impossible unless
God intervened.
On the other hand, Coito had also tried to convert Detective Hole. Though K the corrupter knew the chances of turning the detective into an atheist or at least an agnostic were infinitesimally slim, she figured that if anyone could do it, she could. In fact, it was Coito who had decided to see their three visitors.
Cynical K would never think of passing up a chance to torture Detective Hole with her satirical comments (“The dullness of the fool is the whetstone of the wits,” quoted K from Shakespeare), and now that her days on earth were numbered, thanks in part to Detective Hole, she decided to give no quarter in her abuse of the detective. While Benny, Detective Hole and John Hotchkiss had waited, K had planned her conversation with Detective Hole so she could do her best to anger the detective and destroy the zealot’s faith. Finally ready to begin torturing the detective, Coito sent for the visitors visiting who soon arrived. The
fireworks began.
“Well, spread my skirts if it isn’t ol’ Schmuck Hole come to try and convert us again. Christ still dead?” asked K the crass. She was standing up so she could walk around the cell while verbally attacking her opponent, as if she were an atheistic Mohammed Ali sparring with
her partner.
“Only in
your heart.”
“At least I have one,” Coito replied with the expected retort. “So what is it like being as ugly as a
pregnant duck?”
“I haven’t been here a minute, and already you start in with
your insults.”
“I’d hate to
disappoint you.”
“Who’s the young man?” asked Theodora who was sitting on one of the cots in
the corner.
“This, my ladies, is Bernard Ditkus. If you had watched the news today, you would have seen him receive the $
10
,
000
reward for providing the information which led to your capture
and conviction.”
“Benny, the bureaucrat, and the Bible-banger, what a group,” concluded Coito who walked closer to
the detective.
“Through his personal efforts, your presence in the Washington Monument was learned of by me. I had the building surrounded and you three
were captured.”
“You’re Regina, aren’t you?” asked Benny, recognizing his secret love immediately. She was sitting down at the table playing with a wind-up penguin which was waddling along. Benny was disappointed that Regina was sitting down, for countless times he had fantasized about accidentally walking into Regina since his head was level with
her breasts.
“That’s right,” replied Regina. She picked up the penguin, and started to
rewind it.
“I hope you’re not mad at me for what I did,” Benny suddenly blurted out, looking down at the floor. He wanted to ask forgiveness before anything
else happened.
“Bernard!” said Detective Hole with an unusual amount of emotion in
his voice.
“What do you mean, Benny?” Regina quietly asked, motioning him over toward her in a
motherly fashion.
“Well, I was the one who called up the police and turned you in. I did it to get the money, but I also did it so no one would hurt you. I mean, some cop might’ve tried to shoot you like they do on TV, and I didn’t want that to happen. I just thought they’d arrest you and then maybe let you go. I didn’t think they’d do what they did, the crucifixion, I mean.” Then he quickly added, “I never would’ve called them if I’d known what was going to happen, really I wouldn’t’ve. I’m sorry.” All three of the sisters were taken aback by Benny’s words. Victor had offered new strategies, Father Novak excuses, Detective Hole condemnation, members of the media interviews, but no one
had apologized.
“Here, I want to give this to you,” offered Benny, but as he tried to extricate the $
10
,
000
check, he once again fumbled his papers which went flying onto the floor beneath Regina’s feet. As Regina bent down from her chair to help pick up the papers, Benny got a full view of Regina’s magnificent mammaries when he gazed past her partially unbuttoned shirt. “Jesus,” Benny whispered to himself feeling his heart beat stronger by the second as he tried to keep one eye on the papers and another eye on Regina to take in as much as he could without making Regina suspicious. John Hotchkiss had also noticed the opportunity, but standing next to the cell’s bars, he was at an inopportune angle to share what
Benny saw.
“There you are,” said Regina, handing Benny the last of the
scattered papers.
“Oh, oh, thank you,” replied a
distracted Benny.
“Here, I want to give you this,” Benny told Regina, handing her
the check.
“What
is it?”
“It’s my reward money. I don’t want it anymore now that I know what’s going to happen
to you.”
“That’s very sweet of you, Benny, but please, go ahead and keep it.” Regina was touched and smiled. “We couldn’t do anything with
it anyway.”
“Save it and go to college,”
suggested Theodora.
“That’s not a bad idea,” added John Hotchkiss. “The government always pays college graduates
higher salaries.”
The conversation had taken a serious turn which Coito did not like. To change the conversation more to her liking, K asked Benny, “What’s the book you have in
your hands?”
“It’s a
New Testament
Detective Hole
gave me.”