‘S’all right,’ she smiled drunkenly, and settled back on the seat. Then, so gently that at first I thought it might only be my imagination, she leant into me so that the entire arc of her spine rested against my chest. I didn’t dare move, partly because I didn’t want Henry to see, but mainly because I didn’t want to lose the warmth of the woman currently using me as a backrest.
A journey that I wanted to last forever took a little under five minutes, and all too soon the wooden skeleton of the island’s jetty loomed out of the darkness.
‘Next stop, Albermarle Hall,’ Henry called out with forced cheeriness, as the boat bumped against the tyres that hung off the little pier. Lilith reluctantly moved from my arms, and coldness filled the space that she left.
I went to follow her out of the boat, but Henry beckoned me back. ‘We need to talk, lad,’ he said quietly, and the sadness in his voice only compounded that sudden chill.
*****
I sat sullenly at the kitchen table and deliberately blew as much smoke as I could in Henry’s direction as he brewed strong coffee. Whatever he was about to say was carving worry-lines into his forehead as he thought about the words, and I didn’t want to have to do reality tonight. I wanted to do as Lilith had done, to stumble off to bed and try to sleep and capture just some of the good stuff, instead of being made to sit at the table whilst my nose and fists throbbed from the fight.
I was sick of waiting for Henry to find the right place to start. ‘So what’s all this about, little man? You want a freebie or something?’
‘Don’t
ever
say that!’ Henry snapped.
I held my hands up. ‘Joke. Sorry. But you’re clearly building up to something fairly fuckin’ mammoth, and I wouldn’t mind getting my head down some time before dawn.’
Henry sat across from me and frowned into his coffee as if a script was about to appear on its surface. Finally he spoke. ‘You need to be careful.’
‘Half an hour of moping around the kitchen like a wet fart to come up with that?
What
the fuck’s that supposed to mean?’
‘You know what it means, Finn. You and Lilith.’
I had a sudden urge to hit him just for mentioning her name. I sat on my hands until it passed. ‘There is no ‘me and Lilith’. We haven’t broken any rules, Henry.’
He shook his head. ‘I think we both know it’s not that simple. Do you know what’s so awful? In any other circumstance except this, that girl would be the best thing that’s ever happened to you. I don’t think you ever laughed before she arrived.’
‘Don’t be so bloody melodramatic, you stupid old queen. Course I laughed.’
‘Well if you did, I never heard you. And it makes you terribly vulnerable. Nights like tonight just compound that vulnerability.’
I hated him talking about it. ‘God, Henry, just for a while back there it was great, you know? Just sitting and drinking with this beautiful girl, with no agenda – no wondering what she had planned for later. It was like I had a life!’
‘I know, I know. But in a couple of months she’ll be gone, and we’ll need to get back to how things used to be.’ He took a deep breath. ‘And that means the less of this... kind of thing there is, the easier it’ll be for you. Sometimes the more you have, the more you’ll miss it when it’s gone.’
‘And what do I have, Henry? D’you want to give me a detailed inventory? Because I can only come up with the clothes I’m sitting in and a life full of shit, so if you can think of anything else I’d be really fucking grateful.’ There was enough venom in my voice to make Henry run a mile, but for once he stood his ground.
‘Do you want the truth?’ he asked. ‘You’ve got hope. You’ve got something –
someone
– in your life who’s managed to bring a smile to your face. And you know even better than I do that given the slightest opportunity,
Blaine
will use that to destroy you.’ He reached across the table, stopping an inch short of touching my hand. ‘Pull back, Finn. For both your sakes.’
‘I can take it.’
‘You might be able to. But can Lilith?’
And with that, the very last spark of enjoyment died. I wanted to argue through the night to prove him wrong, but we both knew he was right. And I was the only one who could do anything to fix it.
Towards the end of her morning sitting,
Blaine
announced, ‘I have a request.’
The portrait was now as near to perfect as I ever got, but I was no nearer breaking through
Blaine
’s mask now than I had been on my first night at Albermarle Hall. I was used to seeing my work come alive on the canvas as I removed each layer that life had left on my sitter’s skin but day after day Blaine Albermarle stared out at me with that same impenetrable, perfect façade. My latest piece was beginning to scare me.
‘Have you heard of a gentleman named Royce Garvey?’
Blaine
asked.
‘No.’ The name was vaguely familiar, but surly felt better.
As usual,
Blaine
didn’t rise. ‘He’s a television presenter – strictly highbrow, you’ll be pleased to know. He’s made some marvellous documentaries about the
Roman Empire
. Won all kinds of awards.’
‘I’m so very pleased for him. And this has what to do with me?’
‘He and his fiancée are guests at the Hall tonight – a birthday treat for her. He’s a huge fan of yours.’
Unease began to rise in my chest as though a horde of maggots squirmed there.
‘When Royce heard that you were staying on the island, he enquired about the possibility of meeting you, preferably over dinner. I should imagine he’d be perfectly content to spend the first hour of his evening chatting with you – just some gentle smalltalk to pander to his ego.’
‘No.’
She sighed. ‘I knew I might encounter a little resistance.’
I glanced up from my canvas. ‘I would say it’s a little outside my remit,
wouldn’t you?’
‘Absolutely,’
Blaine
agreed, and I tensed. I had learned now that this reasonable tone signalled trouble. ‘As I said, it was merely a request.’
‘Good. Can you keep your head still for me, please?’
‘Of course. I’m sorry.’ Mannequin-still,
Blaine
continued, ‘However I’m sure Finn would be grateful for your involvement.’
‘Meaning?’
‘Royce is rather keen to impress his fiancée, by all accounts. Between you and me, I think he feels he needs to compensate for a significant age-gap and wants to provide her with a little excitement. He’s requested Finn for the entire night.’ She finally turned her head so that she looked directly at me. ‘Judging by certain information in his introductory letter, it would appear that your friend is in for a rather uncomfortable time. Of course, if you feel that this
is
‘outside your remit’, I’ll just inform Finn that he’s starting a little earlier. I know how important your morals are to you.’ She stood, signalling the end of the sitting, and reached for her bathrobe. ‘However I
can
share with you that Royce has booked the dungeon as his room of choice.’
The line that was once so clear began to erode that little bit more under my bare feet and I knew I was damned whatever I decided.
Blaine
hadn’t finished. ‘I’m sure Finn would understand. After all, he dealt so admirably with the after-effects of your other recent refusal.’
I was no longer so sure. Ten days had passed, but this was the first time that
Blaine
had alluded to the events of that evening; in fact, it was the first time anyone in the house had mentioned it – Finn included. He had hardly said a word to me beyond a curt ‘morning’ since.
I told myself, over and over, that it had not been a date. That we had both been stupid in flouting unwritten yet unbreakable rules, and lucky to emerge from that night with little more than hangovers and bloodied noses, and that Finn had done the right thing in pulling away. I cringed when I thought about what my clumsy, drunken pass in the boat must have done to his head, and most of all I tried my very best not to think of myself as anything so ridiculous as dumped.
Now
Blaine
brought everything flooding unbidden to the surface, and I realised that I could not shift Finn, with his newfound vulnerability and shared secrets, from my mind. Through my own stupidity, I had given myself the very worst of both worlds.
I picked up a cloth and carefully wiped away the excess paint from my brush before putting it to one side. ‘So Royce is asking for, what? My company and nothing else?’
‘Nothing at all. I believe that intellectual stimulation is just as important for my guests as any other service. Do I take this to mean he’ll meet my artist at dinner?’
I gave a mute nod, not trusting myself to speak.
‘Excellent.’
Blaine
smiled with delight. ‘Thank you, Lilith. I’m sure it’ll be quite a surprise for Finn, too.’ She took a step towards the door, her mind already on the next stage of preparations for the evening, then paused. ‘Oh, and I don’t mean to be harsh, but might I suggest you take some time this afternoon to visit my hairdresser in the village? You’ll find she’s very discreet, and at the moment you hardly look like the Lilith Bresson that Royce will be expecting. And at dinner,
please
wear something that covers your arms. You and I might be aware that it’s eczema, but I don’t want our guests thinking it’s something contagious.’
*****
‘Doing something special tonight, are we?’
‘Something like that.’ I lay with my head over the hairdresser’s sink as she rinsed out conditioner that smelled of sherbet. I had been ushered into a plush private room in the salon the moment I arrived – the discretion that
Blaine
had promised – and was now half way through my transformation, back into the recognisable brand that was Lilith Bresson, Controversial Chat-Show-Host-Attacking Artist.
‘So, how long have you been at the Hall?’
I could tell her, down to the number of hours. ‘About three months.’
That surprised her. I supposed the resort staff were used to seeing people arrive for a single night, or a weekend at most.
‘Wow, really? It must really cost something to stay on the island for that long.’
‘You could say that.’
The hairdresser blushed, embarrassed at being caught thinking aloud. ‘I’m sorry – that was so rude of me. It’s none of my business.’
‘Don’t worry about it. I’m doing some work for
Blaine
.’
‘Lucky old you. Lady Albermarle’s amazing, isn’t she? I mean, all the things she does for the area – this whole place would be a wasteland without her. Do you know, when I first came to the village there was no nursery, so she donated this old barn and paid for absolutely everything – renovations, toys, even the wages for the first year, ‘til the funding came through. Both of my kids went there – we’d have had to travel miles into town without it. They’re at secondary now...’
I stopped listening to her describe a woman who didn’t exist. Her words flowed away with the water and as she began a complicated head massage all I could feel was despair. I shut my eyes and tried to listen to the new-age tinkling and whale song that passed for background music.
‘And as for that young man of hers...’
‘What?’ My eyes snapped open.
‘Oh, were you drifting off there? I was just saying, the boyfriend – that pretty young man. We see him in the village from time to time, wandering around with not a care in the world. Maybe if I look half as good at her age, I could get one like that. What do you reckon?’
‘I don’t know...’
The hairdresser laughed at my struggle for a reply. ‘It’s all right love, you don’t have to answer that. Mind you, he’s really fallen on his feet, hasn’t he? I can’t imagine him wanting for much.’
‘Are you going to be much longer, darling?’
Blaine
asked. ‘Our guests will be here in less than two hours.’
That was my direct order to stop what I was doing and start becoming whoever she needed me to be for this evening. I rubbed my hands together to loosen the ingrained soil and Bran instinctively crept behind my legs as
Blaine
cast an eye around the greenhouse.
‘I don’t know why you can’t keep your room as tidy as you keep this place,’ she said, like the irritated mother of a teenager.
I hated it when
Blaine
came here. I liked to maintain the illusion, however pathetic, that this was my territory, a space that was mine and mine only. I imagined row upon row of delicate seedlings shrivelling and dying in her shadow.
‘You know, you might find that tonight won’t be all bad.’ She stood behind me and wrapped her arms around my waist. ‘You might even find I’ve got a little surprise for you.’