The Tome of Bill Compendium Vol. 1 (Books 1-4) (33 page)

We walked for a few more moments in the tight confines, and then a thought struck me. “Wait a moment. You said fair combat, right?”

“Yeah, so?”

“So, four against one might not exactly be considered fair.”

“Not true,” she pointed out. “Funny thing about us vampires, we have a very liberal view on the definition of
fair
.”

Two days later, Sally and I were back at the loft. The entirety of the coven had been summoned. It was time to break the news and see how they took it. We had spent the past few days resting and gathering our strength back at her suggestion. She said that things like this usually went fine, but if we showed up looking worse for the wear, it could be construed as a sign of weakness. A few days off was fine with me, as I needed some time to decompress and tidy up some loose ends.

Tom and Ed had both spent a night in the hospital for observation. They were going to be sore for quite some time, but at the end of the day, nothing would be permanent, except that maybe Ed's nose would probably be a little crooked going forward. They took it in good stride. After all, how many people can have a showdown with a master vampire and live to brag about it? And brag we did. Every time we recounted the story to each other, the exploits of our victory got a little larger. Within a few months, we'd all be convinced that we had waltzed in, kicked Jeff's ass without breaking a sweat, and then sauntered out to grab a celebratory beer.

The cops had investigated our break-in, declaring it drug related. The damage to both the front door and Mrs. Caven's apartment (
in addition to ours
) had necessitated bringing the authorities in. That was okay. Besides which, the police report would help us with the subsequent insurance claim. Mrs. Caven's disappearance could have been messy, but Sally assured me that the coven's connections would make sure it was quickly swept aside as just another unsolved crime. That she appeared not to have any close relatives to stir things up would help in those regards.

Which brings us, once again, back to the loft. Sally and I stood together as the last of the coven arrived. Damn if it didn't look like the cast party from a perfume commercial. Following my ordeal, I may have had a new respect for the vampire lifestyle, but that didn't mean I had lost my appreciation for the sweet pieces of female flesh before me. Without Jeff there to fray my nerves, I could finally just enjoy the scenery.

“Ye who are gathered, attend my words, please,” Sally said to the group as a whole. Apparently, there were official words that needed to be spoken during these things. She had prepared me in advance for this, lest I start making smartass remarks during the middle of things, which, of course, I was still leaving open as an option. The coven stopped their small talk and turned their attention toward her.

“It is with a heavy heart (
yeah right
) that I inform you, the gathered, that the time of passing is upon us,” she continued. “Night Razor is no more.”

An instant murmuring arose amongst the group, some of it none-too-friendly sounding. Finally, one of the coven spoke up. It was the smug dickhead I had managed to stare down a few weeks back, Dusk Reaper.

“You lie!” he barked. “Night Razor is eternal. All glory to Night Razor!” A few of the male vamps echoed his all glory crap. Jeez! The first thing Sally needed to change in this place was the freaking fraternity mindset.

Sally, for her part, kept her cool, but she also dropped the formalities. “Eternal?” she questioned. “Does this look like eternal to you?” She pulled something out of her pocket and tossed them onto the floor in front of her. I leaned down to get a better look. There were two of them, white, long, thin, and
sharp
. They looked like fangs.

“Are those...” I started to ask, but she cut me off with just one word.

“Yep.”

Damn. I guess that's what she fished out of Jeff's ashes two days ago. A little morbid, if you ask me, kind of like going through a dead guy's pockets for spare change.

All of the gathered vampires, in turn, walked up to view the oversized canines. Whether it was to confirm Jeff's
unfortunate
passing, or to pay their respects, I wasn't sure. As long as there wasn't a mass scream of “Get them!” followed by the crowd rushing me and Sally, I didn't really care, either.

“How did this happen?” spat Dusk Reaper again. He had either been asshole buddies with Jeff, or had elected himself chief brown-noser. “If it was treachery, he shall be avenged.” Again, a few of the male voices chimed in with him. Goddamn, he was starting to get on my nerves.

“There was no treachery,” Sally calmly replied. “Night Razor fell in fair combat.”

“Fair combat? I doubt that. Who could beat Night Razor?” asked the little ass-kissing prick.

“I think you already know,” she locked eyes with him. This was it. Now we got to see if she had the stuff to hold this crew together. I was standing by to back her up, just in case.

“The Freewill has slain Night Razor in fair combat!” Sally shouted to the crowd.

What the fuck? I opened my mouth to say something, but she kept talking right over me.

“As per our customs, whoever shall slay the coven master fairly shall become the new coven master. I say, I did see the Freewill slay Night Razor in such combat. Our former master fought valiantly, but he fell, nevertheless. It was a good death.” (
I guess vampires have a liberal view on the definition of good deaths, too.
)

More hushed conversation burst out. I swear it was like being back in high school.

Once again, though, Sally spoke over the crowd, “As is also our custom, should anyone wish to challenge the legitimacy of our new leader, they may do so. A duel to the death will then ensue.” She turned to the dickhead who kept speaking out of turn. “Dusk Reaper, you have been the most vocal amongst us. Do you care to raise a challenge? It is your right...if you feel you can beat him.”

Holy shit! She had set him up. Worst of all for him, he knew it. He glanced over in my direction, and I made it a point to give him a hard stare in return. This pissing match had already been decided, though. He quickly looked away.

“No. I will not challenge our new...master,” replied Dusk Reaper, eyes downcast. He then turned to the rest of the crowd and roared, “All glory to Dr. Death!” Yep, I was right. He was a grade-A suck-up.

There was a moment’s hesitation from the coven as a whole during which I was sure someone or
someones
would call me out. I knew how vampires defined fair combat, and I wouldn't have been surprised to find myself challenged to a duel involving me against every one of the muscle heads here. Fortunately, though, to both my surprise and immense relief, slowly the crowd started to join in.

“All glory to Dr. Death,” softly at first, but then it gradually got louder.

Before it could get to ear splitting levels, though, a thought occurred to me. “No,” I said, holding up my hand. The coven immediately fell silent. Even Sally turned to me with a quizzical look in her eye.

“A new era begins today, and an old one ends,” I said, trying to keep any wavering from my voice. If this went on, I might have to consider taking a public speaking class. “As such, so too must the ways of old end. I thus abolish the dictate that we all take new identities within the coven. From now on, you shall be known by whatever name you wish to be known as. My name is...Bill.”

Fuck! Chalk another one up in the ever-growing list of things that sounded a lot cooler in my mind.

However, despite the lameness of my
decree
, once again the chant started up. This time it was, “All glory to Bill!”

Ah, yes. Lousy one-liner or not, this was much, much better.

* * *

The next few hours were actually pleasant for a change. Along with my promotion came an instant change in attitude toward me. The men were more respectful, and the women were flirtier. In case you missed that last part, the women were all flirting it up with me. I could get used to that shit.

Finally, in the wee hours, I excused myself to leave. One of the nice perks of my new position was that nobody questioned where or why I was going. I decided to enjoy the night air - I’d earned it.

Strolling leisurely, I had walked a couple of blocks when Sally caught up to me.

“So, how's it going,
master
?” she said with a mock bow.

“I could definitely get used to this.”

“I thought you could.”

“Speaking of which...”

“Why did I hand credit over to you when I could have easily made myself the new leader?” she finished my question for me.

“In a nutshell,” I agreed.

“Did you see some of them in there? Remember what I told you about Jeff stocking the coven with guys who were mostly just clones of himself?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, duh,” she continued. “Do you think that one of those macho assholes would have let me assume command for even a minute before challenging me?”

“You could have taken Dick Reaper.”

“Maybe. But what about the next one, and the next? I wouldn't be able to turn around without being challenged. You, on the other hand...”

“Are, for the most part, weaker, and less experienced than you?” I mused.

“Yes, but the rest of them don't know that. To them, you're the fearsome
Freewill
. They'll all think twice before getting in your face. And if they do...well, luckily for you, some of that bullshit we've been spreading around just so happens to be true.”

“I guess. Although you could have told me first rather than putting me out there with a potential target on my back.”

“Yeah, I could have, but I gotta get my fun somewhere,” she finished with a laugh.

“Fair enough,” I replied evenly. “Speaking of fun, though, that reminds me...what about my decree back there?”

“What about it?”

“Well, I've abolished all of our dopey little superhero names. So, what should I call you now? I believe it was Lu...something,” I said with my own laugh.

“Sally will be just fine, thank you,” she replied. “I've gotten used to it. But not Sunset. That has to go. Maybe I'll just be Sally Smith, or something like that.”

“I could order you to tell me your real name. I am your lord and master, now, after all.”

She gave me the mother of all eye-rolls in return, and said, “You can shove your orders up your ass sideways. And as for that lord and master crap, sorry, it doesn't fly with me.”

“No?”

“Nope,” she said sternly. “On the contrary, being that you're still new and all, I think I'll be calling most of the shots from behind the scenes.”

“You will?”

“Yes,” she responded with a tone of finality. “In fact, I think it might be best to think of me more as your partner than your servant.”

“And what makes you think I'll go along with that?”

“Oh, just a little insurance,” she said, stopping to face me.

“What kind of insurance?” I asked, my curiosity piqued.

“This kind,” she pulled something out of her pocket and held it up. “Look familiar?” It did. It was Jeff's camcorder. Contained within it was, no doubt, footage of my less than stellar
fair duel
with our former leader. “I figured I'd keep it as a souvenir. A little something to remind us of that day...just in case we forget,” she said, a grin spreading across her face.

I couldn't help but laugh. Throughout everything, I had been so enamored of James' power and so scared of Jeff's that I hadn't realized how much of a force Sally was to reckon with.

“You really are a bitch,” I said with a laugh.

“No,” she replied. “I'm the queen bitch...more precisely I'm
your
queen bitch. Don't worry, you'll get used to it. You have all of eternity.”

As we walked off into the night together, I had to wonder whether eternity would be long enough.

THE END

The Tome of Bill

Part 2

*
CRUNCH
* Yep, no matter what way you put it, being hurled through a wall hurts. It’s funny; just a few short months ago I would have argued that the dreaded
atomic wedgie
was the most common indignity I had suffered throughout my life. That’s not such a bad thing, especially when one considers that the proportion of ass-crack related incidents in one’s existence tends to decrease dramatically post high-school. After all, most people just won’t give a wedgie to another grownup. Why? Well, my personal theory is that part of becoming an adult means that we start asking ourselves much deeper questions than when we were kids, one such question being: do I really want to put my hands where this person’s dirty ass has been?