The Tome of Bill Compendium Vol. 1 (Books 1-4)

• Bill The Vampire
  
• The Day I Died
  
• Before I Became the Dearly Departed
  
• The Day before the Day I Died
  
• A Party to Die For
  
• Be Still, My Beating Heart
  
• Bill the Vampire
  
• It Sucks To Be a Vampire
  
• Sunday Bloody Sunday
  
• Coming Clean
  
• The Long Road...err, Train, Back Home
  
• How Do We Sleep When Our Beds Are Burning?
  
• One Will Stand, One Will Fall
  
• And Now for a Kung-Fu Training Montage
  
• Back To the Meat Grinder
  
• History Lesson
  
• Date Night
  
• The Dork Tower
  
• Kicking Ass and Taking Names
  
• The Terror That Flaps in the Night
  
• 99 Problems and a Bitch is Definitely One
  
• Vampire on Vampire Action
  
• The Road Trip of the Damned
  
• On the Road Again
  
• Grudge Match
  
• Here Comes the Sun...
  
• And, Of Course, There's an Epilogue
  
• Scary Dead Things
  
• Just Another Brick in the Wall
  
• Time for a Recap
  
• Not Exactly a UN Summit
  
• Dating Habits of the Undead
  
• Here, Kitty Kitty
  
• A Sandwich with a Side of Chips
  
• A Test? I Didn’t Even Study!
  
• He Who Fights and Runs Away
  
• Green with Envy
  
• Fat Chicks versus Vampire Cake
  
• Attack of the Mighty Mongolian Monsters
  
• Gan and Billy Sitting in a Tree
  
• Slumber Party of the Damned
  
• Satan’s Shopping Mall
  
• The Scent of a Woman
  
• Heads Up
  
• Toked-up Television
  
• Magically Delicious
  
• Random Monster Encounter
  
• Lend Me a Hand
  
• Swords and Sorcerers
  
• Working Hard or Hardly Working
  
• A View to Die For
  
• What’s a Little Murder Amongst Friends
  
• The Epic Epilogue
  
• The Mourning Woods
  
• Tis better To Have Loved and Lost
  
• Late For My Own Funeral
  
• Anticipation is a Killer
  
• Unexpected Company
  
• Ringside Seats
  
• Friends Don’t Let Friends Drink and Dissect
  
• Diplomatic Immunity
  
• Hell’s Hair Salon
  
• The Dude with the Crazy Eyes
  
• Yes, This is One of Those Exposition Chapters
  
• Vacation Daze
  
• Driving in Style
  
• Damn Nazi Vampires
  
• Four-legged Vampire Slayer
  
• Are We There Yet?
  
• As Primitive as Can Be
  
• Strangers in the Night
  
• Continental Breakfast
  
• Satan’s Snack Cart
  
• What’s in a Name?
  
• When You Gotta Go
  
• Keeping One’s Priorities Straight
  
• A Dumb Plan is Better than No Plan at All
  
• Cage Match
  
• 99 Bottles of Blood on the Wall
  
• Midnight Tryst
  
• Mission Improbable
  
• The Great White North
  
• Frozen Wasteland
  
• What Happened While I Was Out?
  
• The Lying, the Witch, and the...err...Zombie?
  
• Ninja Vampire Attack!
  
• A Sticky Situation
  
• French Fried Mountain Oysters
  
• Round Two
  
• Crossing Enemy Lines
  
• Guilty By Association
  
• I Can’t Hear You, I’m Screaming Too Loud
  
• A Small Piece of Peace
  
• The Awesomely Important Epilogue
  
• Holier Than Thou
  
• Part 1
  
• Hungry, Almost Like the Wolf
  
• The Games that Children Play
  
• Back to the Grind
  
• Love Nest
  
• Burning Down the House
  
• Like Falling Asleep in a Giant Blender
  
• Now You See It...
  
• Hocus Pocus
  
• Rallying the Troops
  
• The Conference Call of Cthulhu
  
• Without Bad Luck, I’d have No Luck at All
  
• Party Crashers
  
• Planning the Offensive
  
• Crank Call
  
• Gate Crashers
  
• A Typical Day at the Office
  
• A Trip into Town
  
• The God Squad
  
• Preying for Forgiveness
  
• All the Guests Have Arrived
  
• The Great Icon Hunt
  
• Double Agents of Chaos
  
• Part 2
  
• Iconic Encounter
  
• Hitting the Fan
  
• Love Triangle
  
• Irresistible Force Meets Immoveable Object
  
• The Long Ride Home
  
• Home Not-so Alone
  
• Witch Way to Go
  
• Alone Time
  
• Destiny is a Bitch
  
• Snack Run
  
• Hormonal Imbalance
  
• No Escape from New York
  
• Such Wondrous Places You Take Me
  
• Under New Management
  
• Free For All
  
• Destiny’s Red-Headed Stepchild
  
• Top Of The World, Ma
  
• And Now for a Slightly Different Epilogue
  
• Author’s Note
  
• About the Author
  
• Bonus Story: Ren-Faire
  
• Character Interviews
  
• Bonus Story: A Vampiric Christmas Carol
  
• Preview: Goddamned Freaky Monsters
  

THE TOME OF BILL

Compendium

Volume 1

Rick Gualtieri

Bill The Vampire

Scary Dead Things

The Mourning Woods

Holier Than Thou

Bonus Material

Copyright © 2013 Rick Gualtieri

No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or any information storage and retrieval system
, without prior written permission of the author. Your support of author’s rights is greatly appreciated.

All characters in this novel are fictitious. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is purely
coincidental. The use of any real company and/or product names is for literary effect only. All other trademarks and copyrights are the property of their respective owners.

Visit the author’s blog at:

http://www.poptartmanifesto.com

Compendium Cover by:

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Published by Freewill press

Freewill Press

PO Box 175

Dunellen, NJ, 08812

www.freewill-press.com

Bill The Vampire

Edited by A Step Up Editing and

Hercules Editing

Cover by
Extended
Imagery

Scary Dead Things

Edited by Apex Editing

Cover by Damonza.com

The Mourning Woods

Edited by Hercules Editing

Cover by Extended Imagery

Holier Than Thou

Edited by Megan Harris

Cover by Mallory Rock

The Tome of Bill

Part 1

*Thud, thud*
Okay, somebody needs to turn off their goddamn stereo before I put my foot up their ass. God forbid a guy be allowed to sleep off a major bender without some dickhead blasting their bass to eleven. At least, I think it was a major bender. I know I’m asleep, but I can still feel the room spinning. Yeah, I’ve gotta be drunk off my ass.

The funny thing is, I don’t remember getting shitfaced, although that doesn’t mean anything. The best parties are sometimes the ones you don’t remember. Still, I’m not even sure I went to a party last night. It
is
morning, right? I can’t see anything. Well, duh, my eyes are closed.

Okay, my eyes aren’t opening. I guess I must be pretty trashed.

*Thud, thud*
There it is again. For fuck’s sake! Some days I hate living here. There’s always some little white bread, teenaged douche pumping out Tupac from his daddy’s Beemer because he’s sure he can relate to life on the streets. Although why is it so loud? Maybe the window’s open. I should get up and close it. Oh yeah, that’s right. I’m out cold. I can’t really check the window in my current state. Oh, well, maybe I’ll get lucky and some real gangstas will come cruising down the block and pop a few caps in homey’s upper middle class ass.

*Thud, thud*
ARGH! It’s really starting to piss me off now. Huh? What the hell was that? Holy shit, are those voices? Maybe I'm not at home, after all. If that's the case, I must still be at a party. Oh, crap. I hate passing out at someone else's place. I really hope they aren’t drawing dicks on my face. The last time that happened, the fuckers used a permanent Sharpie. Let me tell you how much fun
that
was to scrub off. Probably took off five layers of skin, and you could still see it. Tom was an asshole about it, too. He kept pretending to be helpful just to get a laugh.
“You want me to go to the store for you, dickface?” “I’ll get it. Hello? Oh, Bill? Sorry, he can’t come to the phone right now. He's too busy trying to wipe cock off his face. Can you call back later?”
One of these days, I’ve really gotta get my own apartment.

*Thud, thud* Okay, it's getting a little lower now. The song must be ending. I still can’t make out what the voices are saying, but at least it doesn’t sound like laughter. That’s good. Hopefully it means they haven’t started using my face as an easel yet. Maybe I can still wake up before that happens.

Jeez, my body still isn’t responding. Man, what the hell was I drinking? Even passed out, I still feel seriously fucked up. I’m wondering if maybe I was doing a little more than drinking. I vaguely remember Ed saying something about scoring a few joints. Shit! I hope they weren’t laced with Drano or something - although that might explain why I’m lying here, having an internal soliloquy. Hold on, though, didn't that happen last week?

*Thud, thud* Why does that sound so familiar? I don’t usually listen to any shit rap music, but damn if that doesn’t ring a bell. It’s right on the tip of my tongue...UGH! Speaking of my tongue, what the hell is that taste in my mouth? Oh, shit. Please don’t let me have puked. There’s nothing worse than puking at a party and waking up in it. Nobody ever gets laid after that. Well, okay, puke or not, it’s been a while since I scored at a party, but it could still happen...maybe. Although not if I’m lying in a swimming pool of my own spew.

Crap! I hope someone turned me on my side. The last thing I want to do is pull a Hendrix. Okay, okay, relax. No one is that big an asshole. If I can hear them talking, then that probably means I’m all right.