The Tome of Bill Compendium Vol. 1 (Books 1-4) (9 page)

“You've got to be kidding me. What are you, a fucking vegan?”

“Aw, I think it's kinda cute,” Starlight cooed. “He can't bring himself to kill someone. That's almost sweet,” she said, completely misinterpreting my actions. While Sally seemed to be pretty much on the ball, this one so far hadn't given me the impression that she was firing on all cylinders.

“Somehow, I doubt Jeff will think it's sweet,” said Sally. “But him liking you even less isn't really going to matter much at the end of the day. You'd have been better off joining one of those hippie covens up north. Still, I guess I can't let you starve. For the next eighty-nine days or so, you're still our problem.” Oh, yeah, I was feeling the love. She walked over to one of the fridges, opened it, and pulled out two liters of what I assumed was blood. I wonder how many donors would be pissed to know they were doing little more than stocking some vampire pantry. More than a few, I'd bet. Of course, this assumed it was from
willing
donors.

Anyway, she tossed me the blood. “Here. These will get you through the day. Take them and go back upstairs. The door's unlocked. Oh, and maybe clean yourself up a little bit. You look kinda gross.” With that said, both she and Starlight turned back to the fat naked (and now bleeding) dude, and...began undressing?

“What are you doing?” I asked, watching them strip down to their underwear.

I was sort of hoping the answer was going to involve them making out with each other and then asking me to join in, but no such luck.

“We're going to finish your leftovers, obviously,” Starlight answered.

“And you need to be undressed, why?”

“This is a seventy-dollar blouse. Bloodstains are a bitch to remove.”

“Now get the fuck back upstairs,” Sally snapped. “This isn't a peep show.” And with that, she kicked me out and shut the door in my face.

I did as told, mostly because I didn't appear to have many other options with the sun still shining. I went back to the third floor and let myself in where I tossed the blood packs onto the table - my appetite temporarily quashed due to being unable to vanquish thoughts of mouthfuls of ugly man flesh. So instead, I decided to take Sally's advice and wash up a bit.

I found the bathroom and checked myself out in the mirror. Goddamn! Gross wasn't the word for how I looked. Ignoring for a second that I was covered in fresh blood, I had completely forgotten that I was still in the outfit in which I’d been killed. I looked like a bus had run me over and then dragged me through the street for a mile or two. I doubted I smelled much better. I was beginning to wonder how much of downstairs was naked dude stink, and how much was me. In fact...

Wait a second.

I could see myself in the mirror. Guess that's another one of those things Hollywood fucked up. Well, that's convenient. I would hate to go through eternity not being able to tell if I was having a bad hair day. Guys like me have a hard enough time as it is.

Hold on a second...what was that on my forehead? Didn't notice it before, what with all the blood. Was that a...son of a bitch! Someone drew a dick on my face! ARGH!

* * *

I stripped and filled the sink with cold soapy water. Starlight had a point about bloodstains, but maybe I could soak some of it out. I dunked my clothes in (
being sure to retrieve my emergency twenty, first
) and climbed into the shower until I felt reasonably non-disgusting. Believe me, that took a while.

By the time I was done, I felt human again...or as close to human as I was going to get any time soon. I was just toweling off when I heard the front door open, followed quickly by a knock on the bathroom door.

“You in there, Bill?” asked Sally from the other side.

Feeling renewed after my long shower, I decided to try my luck, no matter how much of a long shot it might be. I pushed away the thought that her breath most likely smelled of naked, fat, sweaty dude at the moment, and replied, “Why don't you come in here and find out?”

“Keep trying, stud. Maybe in another century or two that'll work,” came her snide remark (
but hey, that wasn't an outright “no,” now, was it?
). “Put on a towel or something and open the door.”

I did as requested. When I popped open the door, she tossed me a large bundle of clothes and just as quickly closed it again.

“Something there should fit you.”

I picked through the clothing. There were several outfits in all. Nothing was perfect, but I managed to find a pair of pants and a shirt that would do.

“Where'd this stuff come from?” I asked through the door.

“You probably don't want to know,” was all the answer I got. My thoughts flashed back to the naked guy, probably now a naked corpse, downstairs. I doubted that he was the first, nor would he be the last, meal hosted there. Sally was probably right: I didn't want to know. Sometimes ignorance is truly bliss.

I got myself back into presentable condition and stepped out. She was sitting on a couch in what probably passed as the living room. Holding a small mirror, she cleaned the last smudges of blood from her face with a wet wipe. As I approached, I said conversationally, “Gotta say, I was surprised I could still see myself in the mirror.”

“Yep. It would be a pain in the ass to put on makeup otherwise. So, how are you holding up?”

“Surprisingly well, all things considered,” I answered, and then asked, “How badly did I just embarrass myself?”

“Forget Alice. I wouldn't worry too much about trying to impress her. First time she tried to kill a meal, she wound up curling into a ball and crying for three hours. She's not your problem. I wasn't kidding about Jeff, though. I get the feeling he's going to be looking for an excuse to like you even less than he already does.”

“Dudes like him just seem to naturally hate guys like me.”

“Yeah, there's that, and you also turned his balls into mashed potatoes with your fist last night,” she commented with a smirk.

“Oh, yeah, I was kinda hoping he'd forget about that,” I grinned.

“Would you?”

I thought about it for a second, then winced and smiled at the same time. “No, I guess I wouldn't forget that
spectacular
hit anytime soon. So where does that leave me?”

“In pretty deep shit.”

“What about all the others?”

“Outside of you, he can compel pretty much everyone else in the coven. He probably won't have to, though. Almost all of the other guys are little mini Jeffs.”

“Back in high school, assholes tended to hang with other assholes.”

“Exactly.”

“So I'm fucked,” I said, sitting down next to her, but not too close. I had been hit enough times for one weekend.

“More or less. If you stay here, then definitely. So, if I were you, I wouldn't.”

My head snapped toward her. “What?”

“You heard me.”

“Is that even an option?” I probed, not really letting myself sound hopeful, but feeling a bit of it creeping in, nevertheless.

“I'm pretty sure that's what I just said,” she went on. “Besides, Jeff really doesn't want you around...at least until he's allowed to have the type of fun with you that he wants to.”

“But he said last night...”

“Yeah, well, he had a little while to think about it after he knocked you on your ass. He eventually calmed down enough to think things through. Under normal circumstances, he'd probably enjoy fucking up your shit for the next three months. But, this isn't normal. You're actually problematic for him.”

“How? I got in one lucky shot,” I pointed out. “He wiped the floor with me outside of that.”

“Yes, but you're missing the point. You got in that
one
lucky shot. Nobody else ever has, or would probably even get the chance to. And if you get in one lucky shot, who's to say you won't get in a second or a third? No matter how well Jeff keeps an eye on you, ninety days is enough time for anyone to let their guard down once or twice.”

I finished the thought for her. “Because he can't control me.”

“Give that man a cigar. You're a potential source of embarrassment for him. For starters, you talk back. You saw how quickly Jeff shut up Alice last night. That's par for the course around here...at least before you showed up. From what I've seen of you, I think it's fairly obvious that you're the type that just gets more obnoxious as the beatings go on (
she probably had a point. I tend to be strictly of the “If I'm going to get an ass-kicking, I might as well deserve it” mindset
). Lastly, you've already shown you're not above taking a cheap shot if the opportunity presents itself.”

“Can you blame me?”

“No, but it makes you unpredictable. It's not like he can just chain you up somewhere for the next three months, either.”

“Because of James’ protection?”

“Yep,” she replied with a nod.

“And if he did, I'd squeal like a pig to James just to fuck him over, no matter what the threat.”

“Bingo! And James knows how Jeff thinks. He'll definitely be paying a few visits between now and then.”

“So?” I asked hopefully.

“So, we compromise a bit. Play with the rules a little.”

“How?”

“The ninety-day protection is supposed to give you a chance to learn how to survive as one of us. What better way to learn than finding your own way? At the same time, as part of the coven, we're honor bound to provide you with basic support, which we will. The fact that you seem to be a wuss (
she saw the look I gave her
)...have an aversion to killing, that is...actually works in your favor, here. It makes things easier for us since it means we probably don't have to worry about cleaning up any of your messes. So, to cover that, on the weekends you'll report back here and we'll give you enough blood to make it through the week.”

“And what if I don't come back? What if I just make a run for it?” I asked, but she smiled as if expecting this question and got up. She walked over to a desk, opened it, and pulled something out which she then tossed to me. As I caught it, I was not surprised in the least to see it was my wallet.

“If you run, or try to disappear...”

“You know my name and where I live. You’ll hunt down and kill my friends and family, I suppose.”

“Smart boy.”

“I watch a lot of TV.”

“That doesn't really surprise me.”

I ignored the barb. “And Jeff came up with this plan?”

“Fuck no! This was all my idea. He just dumped your ass on me and washed his hands of the whole thing.”

“So
you
came up with all of this?”

“Don't sound so surprised,” she said, sounding a bit snippy.

“Sorry, I just wasn't expecting it from...”

“From someone who looks like me?”

“Well, yeah,” I said sheepishly. “It's just that, well, this area of the city and all, I kind of had you pegged as...”

“As?” she glared hard at me.

“Well, either a model, or...”

“OR?”

“Or a stripper,” I said in a small voice.

“You know, you call Jeff an asshole, but you're just as big of one!” she exploded. “What would you say if I told you I was a physics major working toward my doctorate when Jeff turned me, huh, asshole?” I turned beet red as she continued to berate me. “I worked my ass off day and night for a perfect GPA. So I really don't appreciate dickheads like you coming along and assuming that all I'm good for is shaking my ass up on a stage!”

“Oh god. I'm sorry,” I stammered. ”I didn't mean anything. It's just that...”

She started grinning again. Before I could question why, she said, “Just fucking with you. I was a stripper.”

Bitch!

I sucked down the blood packs Sally had given to me earlier (
no point in getting hunger pangs on the way home and finding myself contemplating chewing on some dirty homeless person
), and then got myself together as best I could. While this was going on, she ran downstairs to fill up a backpack with my week's blood rations. I was still pretty much fucked, but nevertheless, I felt like some of the weight of the previous evening had been lifted from my chest. Sure I was still dead, but once I was back in my own place, I was pretty sure I'd be able to clear my head and think my way through this mess - maybe not the being dead part, but some of the rest of it was sure to resolve itself.

Sally came back upstairs and told me that the sun had set enough for it to be safe to go out. One good thing about the city, the buildings provided plenty of cover from direct sunlight, especially around dusk. She gave me my wallet back and assured me that copies had been made of my IDs before I could get hopeful of the contrary. She also gave me her cell number with instructions to call if I got myself into any messes (
oh yeah...I got a phone number. Who's the stud?
).

In actuality, I had a
ton
of more questions. So far, some of the stuff I thought I knew about vampires was true, but just as much turned out to be utter crap. Ignorance of my condition could come back to bite me in the ass. I mean, what if I turned into a bat accidentally and couldn't turn back? What if I discovered I couldn't cross running water while my train was barreling under the East River? What if I got home and discovered I couldn't enter until Tom or Ed invited me in? I wouldn't put it past them to make me sleep in the hall while they laughed their asses off.

Unfortunately, though, now wasn't the time for twenty questions. Freedom had been dangled in front of me...well, okay, not really freedom, but a weeklong furlough, at least. I wasn't about to risk screwing that up because I couldn't keep my mouth shut. Trust me on this. I've fucked up enough things in my life by being unable to shut it when I should have. I was going to have to be mindful not to screw up my death in a similar fashion.