The Tome of Bill Compendium Vol. 1 (Books 1-4) (86 page)

As I drifted off to sleep, no answers to that question presented themselves. Stupid subconscious.

Sadly, there were no night...err...daytime visitations. I had drifted off to sleep in the hope that perhaps Alex would mysteriously appear again and tell me that everything had been taken care of. No such luck. If I had fairy godparents, they sure as hell weren’t reliable.

After rising, we all sat around the breakfast table (
yay, more grubs
), preparing. Ed and Sally double-checked their guns and pocketed some extra ammo.

Feeling a bit of weapon-envy, I said to Tom “We should ask Nergui if he has any more spare daggers.”

“Who’s this ‘we’ you’re talking about? I’m covered,” he replied.

When I asked what the hell he meant, he pulled something out of his shirt. It was a wooden medallion of sorts.

“What’s that?”

“It’s an amulet,” he replied. “Christy made it for me.”

“+1 amulet of boners?” I asked with a smirk.

“I don’t need any help for that. Nope, it’s a protection thing. Christy said it was a faith charm. She told me it channels my deepest beliefs to protect me. Check it out, but don’t touch it. Trust me on this.”

I looked closer. It was a roughly made, but upon closer inspection, I could see that there was a figure crudely carved into the center. It took me a few seconds to make out what it was supposed to be (
Christy was obviously not a champion whittler
). Finally, I saw it: the plated face, the two big squares in the chest...windows. “Is that...”

“
Optimus Prime
is back, baby!” he proudly proclaimed. “Sorta. Obviously this one ain’t worth shit on eBay. But Christy said, thanks to her magic, it’ll draw upon the spirit of...”

“Of your one true love?” Ed surmised. “No offense, dude, but goddamn, that is sad.”

“But effective,” he replied.

“And yet this girl willingly sleeps with you,” Ed sighed. “Sometimes I have to wonder who’s really the one with the black magic.”

“Fate smiles upon fools and small children,” I said. “I guess that goes double for a fool with the mind of a small child.”

“Are you all done jerking off on that Happy Meal toy?” Sally asked, still polishing her massive handgun. “Because we should really discuss what’s happening today.”

“I’m all ears,” I replied.

“Not true,” she countered. “You’re dorky glasses and a flabby physique too (
gotta love, Sally...bitch
). But, that aside, let’s assume that shit is going down. I doubt the glowing moderator of death is going to let things immediately spiral out of hand due to one little slip-up. Still, it’s going to put Turd in a position to demand some reparation.”

“What kind of reparation?” Ed asked, sounding a little tense.

“He could very well demand your life,” she said to him. “But I don’t think that’s going to happen because...”

“Because?” Ed prodded, sounding just a wee bit on edge.

“Because you’re nobody to him,” I finished for her. “Why bother to use an advantage when the best it’s going to get them is a few seconds of amusement wrenching your arms off?”

“I’m so glad that would be amusing for them.”

“Oh, it is,” said Sally. “Think of pulling the wings off a fly, except the fly can cry and scream obscenities while you’re doing it.”

“Thanks for the unnecessary details,” he replied, deadpan.

“No problem,” she said with her typical sauciness. Even in the worst of situations, Sally always got a chuckle out of making others uncomfortable. “Realistically, though, he’s probably going to use it in a way where he can gain the most advantage.”

“So he’s going to demand
my
life?” I asked, trying real hard not to imagine being dismembered.

She shook her head. “He could, but it wouldn’t be granted. I mean it’s not like you killed his whole family and then skull-fucked his Grandma just for good measure. Besides which, there’s no way even Francois can just hand you over on a platter. I doubt he'd even try with James around.”

“You really should send that guy a gift basket when we get back,” Tom added.

“Tell me about it.”

“The most likely scenario,” Sally said, ignoring our interruption, “is going to be a challenge.”

“That ritual combat thing they mentioned?”

“The same. I don’t know what kind of challenge he’ll make, but I wouldn’t doubt it’ll involve setting you up for an embarrassing ass-kicking in front of the crowd.”

“Wonderful,” I replied. “Be sure to tape it. It’ll be a hit on YouTube.”

“That’s where I’ll come in,” she continued. “Turd can challenge you, but you’ll be able to set the terms. Since it’s a fair bet none of Francois’s asshole buddies will step up to the plate for you, I will.”

“Fuck that,” said Ed. “We
all
will.”

“No,” she replied, in a tone that suggested she wasn’t about to be argued with. “You won’t. Sorry to say, but neither of you will last three seconds in any sort of fight with these guys.”

“But I have...” Tom started to say.

“Yes, I know. You have your little Barbie dress-up jewelry there. The problem is we don’t even know if that shit works against the Feet. As for you, Ed, before you say anything I will just ask one question. Aside from bullshit stories, have you ever read a
real
news report about a hunter successfully shooting and killing one of these things?”

He thought for a second. “No, I guess not.”

“Exactly,” she replied. “Just because that popgun makes you feel all manly, don’t assume it’ll do any good against these things. That leaves me.”

I stood and began to protest. “That doesn’t seem ri...”

“Can the chivalry bullshit, Lancelot. It makes perfect sense. I’m older and I’ve been in a lot more fights than you. I can handle myself. Besides which, look at me.” We did, which caused her to let out an exasperated sigh. “My face is up
here
, dipshits.” She let the warning hang in the air for a second before continuing. “Despite the fact that every single creature watching this circus knows that size and power don’t have anything to do with each other, they’re going to take one look at me and assume I’m the underdog. If I win, that’s great for us. If I lose, well they’ll all be expecting it, so there won’t be any loss of face for our side.”

“What about Nergui?” Ed asked. “Isn’t he supposed to be Bill’s bodyguard?”

I nodded at that. “He did say Gan gave him specific instructions.”

“That’s a possibility. But, don’t be surprised if there’s some loophole thrown at us that disqualifies him. Like I said, they’re no doubt going to want to weaken our position. Fighting with your honor guard isn’t exactly going to do that.”

As usual, Sally surprised me by thinking things through far better than I would have even considered. However, I did see one disturbing flaw in her logic.

“What if it’s a fight to the death?” I asked.

“I’m hoping it won’t be.”

“But if it is?”

“If it is, then I expect you ALL to run in and save my beautiful behind. Let’s not be stupid here.”

* * *

None of us liked the plan; however, I grudgingly had to admit it made sense. Even if I didn’t, Sally threatened to break all of our legs if we didn’t go along with it. So in the end, we decided to follow her lead.

The matter settled; she excused herself to go grab a bite to eat, leaving my friends and me alone to finish getting ready. The three of us, even Tom, did so in relative silence. I think we were all rattled by how quickly things had taken a turn. Aside from a few minor bumps in the road, yesterday’s talks had been nothing. Out of nowhere, though, the rumor mill was aflutter that bad things were awaiting us. Goddamn, I hate finding myself the meat in a shit sandwich.

Sally returned shortly thereafter, once more looking sated. Despite the fact that I wasn’t too big on the concept of her feeding off the living, for once I didn’t begrudge her the fact.

Unsurprisingly, Nergui was waiting for us outside our hut. I nodded to him and he fell into step alongside us. We began walking toward the proceedings and whatever cruel fate awaited us there.

Nearing the trail that led to the conference arena (
as I’m sure it would soon be
), I saw James and his contingent waiting for us. To say he looked a little agitated would be an understatement. Can’t say I blamed him. Oh, well, regardless, I was glad to see him. His knowledge of these creatures far exceeded mine. Maybe he knew something that could calm the situation down. With Alex nowhere to be found, he was by far my best bet.

Unfortunately, it wasn’t to be. Before James could even ask me what was going on, Francois swept in from our flank and stepped in front of him.

“There you are, Freewill,” he said in that douchey voice of his. “There’s no time to waste. Come along.”

“Whoa, hold on a second,” I protested as he grabbed my arm and started pulling me up the trail.

“No time for that,” he replied. “You’re late and our hosts are quite perturbed.”

James caught up and moved to cut him off. “I’m afraid I must concur with Dr. Death. I had hoped to have a minute to speak with him.”

Francois narrowed his eyes at him. “You do not have a minute. In the future, I’d suggest you plan your little dalliances in advance.”

James, however, refused to give way. “I’m afraid I must insist.”

“You will insist
nothing
,” Francois hissed. “Or need I remind you that you are only here at my tolerance?”

James looked ticked off. I started wondering if we were about to see a heavyweight throw-down. That would look bad for our cause, but who gives a fuck? I’d pay good money to watch two elder vampires go toe to toe.
Dragonball Z
, eat your heart out.

Alas, it wasn’t to be. Just when the tension appeared to reach a zenith, James stepped aside. “You are of course correct, Francois, and I appreciate your
hospitality
.”

“Anything for a dear old
friend
,” he spat and started dragging me again.

Not good. I had the distinct feeling that Francois was railroading me. Whatever was going to happen, he was in favor of it and wasn’t about to let me get any sort of edge that talking to James might provide.

I tried to think of something. What could I do? I looked down at my empty hands and a thought hit me. Of course! It was lame, but it might work. I dug my heels into the ground. “Wait!”

“What now?” Francois asked.

“I need to run back real quick.”

“You should have done that before you left.”

“Not
that
. I forgot my drink.”

Francois stopped and turned, a look of piteous contempt on his face. “Your drink?”

“Yeah. I left it back in the hut. I’m kinda parched, so if you don’t mind...”

“I
do
mind.” He looked between James and me for a moment, then grinned. “James, do be a friend and make yourself useful. You wouldn’t want your precious Freewill to face the
trials
of the day with a dry throat, would you?”

James looked like he was about to answer with something pithy, but then he simply nodded.

Oh, well, it was a long shot anyway. Not wanting to give up the obvious ruse, I said, “There’s a bottle on the table with my name on it. Fill it with AB negative if you don’t mind. That’s my favorite.”

James smiled in response, “Of course. I live to serve.”

* * *

Oh, yeah, shit was definitely going down. I could tell that much the second I stepped through the...err, anti-noise barrier, or whatever the fuck it was. Whereas yesterday wasn’t exactly quiet, today was like stepping into a wrestling arena. The noise was almost too loud to be able to think over. The volume was only part of the problem, though. The tone of it was what mostly bothered me. I couldn’t understand all of what was being yelled, hooted, or wheezed, but a lot of it sounded angry.

As if in confirmation of this, the Sasquatches that had been stationed along the perimeter yesterday were now dispersed amongst the spectators. To me, it looked like many of the factions were only a few choice words away from mixing things up with each other.

“What the hell happened?” I muttered to myself.

Francois immediately stopped and turned toward me, barely concealed mirth on his face. He began speaking loudly. “I implore you to reconsider, Freewill!”

Of course, much like the idiots who respond to things such as, “Asshole says what,” I replied without bothering to think. “Reconsider?”

“Yes!” he screamed in a faux panicked voice, causing some of the nearby crowd to go silent and listen. “This mad course of action will only lead to war. I beg you to throw yourself at their mercy and end this insanity!”

Before I could even think of a response, his followers joined in with a chorus of cheers (
to him
) and jeers (
at me
). Just like that, the asshole had set me up and thrown me under the bus...and I had let him.

I quickly glanced back at my friends. Sally didn’t look surprised by this turn of events. Ed was doing his best to keep a neutral face. Unfortunately, Tom had to open his mouth and say, “Kick his ass, Bill.”

To be fair, I haven’t been a part of too many peace summits. Still, logic dictates that when tensions are running high and people (
or monsters
) are in a heightened state of agitation, the last thing you want to do is suggest someone start a fist fight.

Almost immediately, the crowd around me started up again. Cries of outrage in a dozen different languages flew through the air. I didn’t catch most of it, but I understood enough to know that they weren’t exactly cheering me on.