After he was done looking he held out his free hand, which glowed faintly, and made the gate glow faintly in return. And made him go interestingly pale and squish my hand a bit.
There were five gates between the platform space and Tare's near-space. He did the same thing at every single one of them after we'd passed through, and if there'd been the slightest need for running or killing Ionoth we would have been screwed because whatever making the gates glow was about, it took as much out of him as running up those stairs had me. By the time we'd reached a familiar-looking metal box, I was beginning to wonder if I'd have to carry
him
, which wasn't going to happen since he's six foot two at least. As soon as we stepped through the last gate into the proper world he let go of me, leaned his back against a wall, and closed his eyes, looking so grey I thought he was going to faint.
The shielding door opened almost immediately, after the briefest time for scans. I was swooped on by greensuits and greysuits, while Fourth Squad and a couple of other Setari rushed my rescuer. One of them, obviously a friend since he called him by his first name, said, "Ends, Kaoren, how far did you have to go? I've never seen you like this."
"Never mind that." The Fourth Squad captain was recovering, and had straightened up. "Get Third mobilised. I stumbled across one of the Pillars out there, and even with the stray's enhancement I don't have the strength to truly lock every gate for five spaces."
He could have announced the sky was falling, the way everyone jumped and stared. Me, I was glad I was so tired, because I knew I was headed straight for endless medical tests and I planned to sleep through them. Which I did, except for blearily answering a few questions about no I really don't know how I almost got to Earth. The room I'm in now is even more of a box than before, with scanners constantly pointed at me because they're trying to work out what I did and whether they can stop me from doing it again. They gave me my diary after a day, and it's taken me forever to write this all down, but that's okay because my interface has been shut off almost completely while they run tests and there's nothing else to do.
Lab Rat again. Stray, always. It really hurt to hear that.
But I guess I'll cope. It makes so much difference that Mum and Dad know I'm not dead. That I got to say goodbye. I don't know if I will ever be treated as a person here, but I can follow Nick's lead and look on the bright side of things until I can make them better. I'm not starving. Nothing has eaten me. And somehow, in a way I don't understand, I have the ability to go to Earth. I don't want to kill myself doing it, and I won't ever risk drawing Ionoth there, but now I have a goal beyond being a useful stray. If I can gain control, perhaps I can figure out a way to find a natural gate, and be able to go back to my real life, to being Cass again.
As birthdays go, it could have been worse.
Tuesday, February 12
Psych 101
Maze came to see me after lunch, to talk me through what they'd concluded from all the tests. He didn't tell me anything I hadn't figured out already: that I must have some ability to find Earth through the spaces, and then travel there, bashing open gates on the way. While asleep. It's nothing like any ability they've encountered before, and since they work out your abilities by looking for known 'patterns' in the brain, they've now decided they really don't have any idea what I can do and they don't know how to test me. They think they've probably got it wrong about the Illusion casting, too.
Mainly they're worried I'll keep tearing holes where they don't want them, and vanishing.
Maze asked if there was anything he could do for me, which isn't the sort of thing you ask someone who's been locked in a room for days on end with nothing to do except wait for the next medical exam. There's obviously tons of things they
could
do, but the question is what they
were
doing. Poor Maze must have wondered why I looked so angry, but because it was Maze I managed to not shriek and rant.
"Thing I need is be less homesick," I said. "Is why that happen, guess. Didn't go bed think 'leave tonight'. Not scared, upset. Just homesick. But is different now, plus. Family know where am, make big difference. Plus, would choose not go unless find way not tear hole Earth's shield, bring monsters. Not acceptable. Is found way stop me leaving?"
"In truth, we don't know. You're still here, but that may be because you haven't tried to leave. We don't know if the extra containment on this room is having any effect on you, but it does help some of the more sensitive Setari, who need dampening on their quarters to sleep properly."
"Bigger box soon?" I asked, hopefully.
"Keeping you in high security intensive care indefinitely isn't very practical." Maze gave me what I think of as his 'captain look'. "And stop calling it a box."
"Is box long as door lock. What think I do? Go day trip Unara?" My voice had gone flat and hard, and I sighed and shook my head. "Getting tired silly psychology games. Put Cass in box nothing to do. Cass happy do anything, try hard training. Take Cass outside lunch, happy Cass try harder. Cass leave to Earth. Put Cass in smaller box, take away toys."
"You think that's why we took you to lunch?"
"No." I was embarrassed about being nasty. "First Squad just nice people. But bet Maze report state Stray's mental health."
His mouth squinched a little, so I knew I was right.
"First Squad, Setari, they useful weapons. Lots rules. Choose be Setari because protect home. I here, not my planet, but owe life. Since can't go home yet, willing help. Right thing do. Accept rules. But. Kept in box, annoying. Have interface cut back, stupid. If testing, need reproduce circumstance. Different circumstance nullify test. Someone petty? Or punishment? All achieve is grumpy Cass. Then Maze sent talk me."
"Do we seem that manipulative?" He looked really sad.
I shrugged. "Don't know sure. Could just be big stupid machine forget Cass person. Or is idea make very obedient? Don't know. Tolerate it, just annoyed." And I didn't want to push them to worse treatment, the possibilities of which I'd had more than enough time to dwell on. I'd had this horrible nightmare where I'd dreamt there was a scar on my stomach, and found out they'd harvested my ovaries and were trying to breed more amplifiers. And since that really was a logical approach, I'd been freaked out half the day about it, caught between desperately attempting to leave again and telling myself not to over-react. Which was probably why I said any of this stuff to Maze. "Sorry. Not Maze's fault. What happen big tower?"
I think I'd really depressed him, but he brightened up at the change of subject.
"That was truly spectacular luck. The Ionoth are symptoms, while the Pillars are the disease. Ever since we've been able to travel among the spaces we've been searching for them, and that's intensified a great deal over the past five years with specialist Setari squads. Only twice before have we managed to get anywhere near one, and both times the shifting of the gates meant we barely viewed them before they were cut off. To capture information on a Ddura and a Pillar both is the most progress we've ever made. We're about to lose the path to this one, despite everything we can do to lock the gates, but have been able to deploy a number of drones in the space, and they went ahead yesterday afternoon and sent Third in to make a preliminary approach, which went without a hitch. Best of all, they think the gate we're losing is a rotational, and the rest relatively stable, so we should be able to return regularly and unpick its mysteries."
"What happen if just explode it?"
"Good question. We've no idea. But it could be catastrophic, so we're not going to rush anything." He smiled, a less sad smile this time. "Now if you could be convinced to become homesick for the Pillars, wouldn't that be an interesting development?"
"No thanks."
He left then, with a little wave and no words of reassurance. I didn't miss that he hadn't denied any of my little paranoid theories, but I was also sorry I'd made him feel bad.
-
And it's an hour or so later and my access rights have returned. Back to the way they were when I was living with the Lents. And because I appreciate the gesture I'll keep pushing through kindergarten, and will make sure I work before I play. Maze really is a nice guy.
When the bell rings, drool
It's a very odd thing to be able to record all your conversations so easily. I wonder if I'll run out of 'hard drive' to store them on. But I love that I can replay my conversation with my family, which was about the only thing that made up for having barely any interface rights for so long. Even going back to having a full interface – with all the news and television and entertainments I didn't even know existed – I replay pieces of my 'birthday party' over and over again. I can see all the nuances I didn't catch the first time, can look at their faces, look at the garden Mum loves. The Aunts are watching Mum, looking relieved. Dad bites his lip. Jules is just loving the whole thing, thinking it all so cool. Mum is...Mum.
I'm exasperated, though, about other parts of that day I keep replaying. Maybe it's because he saved my life, or because I spent a good two hours holding his hand. I keep telling myself not to and then watching my log of the Fourth Squad captain gazing off at the stars. A stupid thing to do: he didn't make a positive impression personality-wise, not to mention calling me a stray right in front of me. Kaoren Ruuel. Not the usual type I daydream about, but I seem to be far more excited about him in retrospect than I was when I was clutching his hand.
Other than not having enough willpower, it's been an eventful day. Mara came after breakfast, dressed in casual clothes instead of her uniform. We collected my belongings and she took me to my new box. Which wasn't a box at all.
"This is the latest expansion of the Setari living quarters, intended for Thirteenth and Fourteenth Squad," she said, as we walked down a short, empty corridor. She stopped at the end, triggering the door. "The rest of us are on the floors below. Until the new squads are qualified, you'll be the only person here."
It was a whole apartment, the same layout as Zan's, except no decorations displayed in the public space and incredibly neutral coverings on the whitestone furniture. Mara smiled at the expression on my face and said: "The doors will open to you. I'll take you on a tour of some of the areas you're permitted to go, and then into the city, if there's anything you'd like to buy. Outside KOTIS is completely off limits to you without an escort and clearance."
"What change their minds?"
"Maze suggested your intelligence be re-evaluated. Before you decided to stop being obliging and cooperative."
They thought I was stupid. I chewed on that one for the rest of the day, but otherwise let myself enjoy the change. There was more to the KOTIS facility than I'd expected, including some actual leisure areas populated by large amounts of people my age and younger, making me realise just how many Setari they're trying to train. But the exciting thing for me was going shopping. I'm not exactly a mall devotee, but when you've had everything supplied to you for weeks, simply buying a dressing gown or choosing your very own bedspread becomes a big event. Fortunately my displaced person allowance had been accruing.
Mara was really tolerant, and answered my endless, scrambled questions as if she had nothing else she'd like to do. We had lunch together and, just as I had back when she was showing me around KOTIS, I kept noticing people recognising her. A member of First Squad. Even if people outside KOTIS can't record her image, in the facility's support city there were a lot of people who knew who she was, or were from KOTIS taking a break. It put the Kanza game in a different light. I knew but hadn't really thought through how very much all the Setari are faceless celebrities on this world, the people everyone wants to know. And I get to spend all this time with them, and can't let myself buy into it.
I'd told Maze that I thought First Squad were nice to me because they were nice people. But I am just as much an assignment to them as I was to Zan; they simply approach the task differently. Every time I start thinking about how nice they are and how much I like them, I hear: "Don't forget the psychological aspects," and remember that I'm part of their job. Helping them feels like the right thing to do, but it's not necessarily the right thing for me.
I really miss Alyssa, miss having someone I trusted absolutely, and I wish I knew whether Nick has told her everything that happened, and if she believed him. Mum's not silly enough to announce to the world that her daughter is off on another planet, no matter whether they succeeded in videoing me. I'd give it a week before Jules posts that phone video on YouTube, though.
I thanked Mara carefully when she delivered me back to my brand spanking-new apartment, putting a lot of effort into pronunciation. I might be an assignment to First Squad, but I appreciate that they don't rub that in.
Mara told me where and when to meet tomorrow, since we had a lot of training to catch up on, and then left me alone. With a door I can open. It's a test of sorts, I guess. From practically no freedom to quite a lot, to see how I'll react. I went out straight away and up to the roof, where it was evening, and blowing an absolute gale – not raining, but super windy. Fortunately, I'd taken my brand new jacket with me, and found a corner to tuck myself in to think, and read through the instructions Mara had shown me on how to change the public spaces in my rooms. Simply loving that I was able to walk up there on my own, and I could go back when I wanted to.
I don't trust them not to take this away from me again. So far they've chopped and changed their approach to me several times, and could easily decide it's better to keep me in a box. In its way this is just another bit of positive reinforcement training. But I'm happy enough to keep being cooperative in return for an unlocked door.