Zee blinked when I showed up bubbling over with Eeli levels of enthusiasm, and gave me a dry look as I tried to sell her on the idea of music being the same as fiction and not at all like me trying to look all the way to Earth and it wasn't even the Sight part that mattered, but manifesting something I remembered already.
"No argument in the world's going to stop you trying, so I won't even bother," she said. "Since you haven't been able to manifest anything lately, it may be a moot point, but so long as you follow orders and don't do this outside the test environment, it's as good a test subject as any other."
I've never looked forward to a test session so much. In truth, I've never really looked forward to a test session – it's hard to look forward to headaches and exhaustion. All the short train journey I was trying to pick which song I'd really really missed and decided on
Hollaback Girls,
not because it was my favourite, but because it reminds me of Alyssa. I've been really wishing I could ask Alyssa what she thought about the whole Els situation. Actually, I already know – Ruuel's really not her type of guy. She'd think me mad for ever preferring him to Els.
Then I fretted about whether or not my manifestation would still be too sore to use, and it did still feel a bit stretched. But useable.
It was tiring to do, but nothing like looking at Muina had been. I didn't get much further than the first chorus, then lost focus and stopped, panting slightly, but smiling hugely. I've never been so happy.
"Can I try something else?" I asked Zee, once Ista Chemie had confirmed that the power cost wasn't exorbitant. "A picture instead of a sound?"
I was lucky that one of the walls of the warehouse was clear of boxes. It made for a really, really huge screen. And I had just the documentary I wanted to show.
"This is my world," I told Zee unsteadily. The glowing blue and green and golden ball revolved slowly. "That's Australia." I wiped at my face, changing what I was trying to project. "This is Sydney. Where I – where I grew up."
I had to have a little emotional break. Zee gave me a hug and Ista Chemie fed me hot drinks, and it was just so nice that all these frustrating and painful talents can finally give me something I actually want.
I was already way too tired, but Zee agreed to let me do one more. I almost couldn't concentrate from trying not to giggle, and made sure to get a good look at Zee's face as I said: "Johnny Depp, playing Captain Jack Sparrow." It was impossible to hold it very long, and I was so tired, but laughing. "Maze going to kill me."
Zee made a deal with me – I can try and manifest any music or images I want once every day after my other training is done, but only if I have at least one person with me and weren't somewhere inconvenient to get to medical. I emailed Els and thanked him for the good idea and then sent him and First Squad and Isten Notra and Shon and Mori and Par and Glade and Zan and Eeli the images which the scanners at the warehouse had recorded of Earth. My own log was useless since crying blurred all the images. The Captain Jack sequence I sent separately just to First Squad, because I think Maze is going to kill me enough already without spreading it everywhere.
I fell asleep on the trip back, of course, and had fun reading everyone's email responses when I woke up, particularly Lohn's about Captain Jack. I'm so happy, and beyond all the feel-good stuff it will just be really useful being able to illustrate some of what I've been trying to explain about Earth. I'm pretty sure some sort of Sight must be involved in the projection, because there's no way my memory is as good as those images.
Excellent, excellent day.
Thursday, July 10
Voyeur
I was just hyped all day, totally looking forward to being allowed to try and visualise something else. Mara said all the enthusiasm was useful for making me do more for my physical training – which is either getting easier or I didn't feel it as much. The bandages are off my legs again, so we could have swimming in the afternoon, which I think Mara chose deliberately so I didn't feel so tired afterwards. All First Squad joined us, and then came back to my rooms afterwards since I particularly wanted to show them things. I think they were all enjoying me being happy instead of the mope monster in the corner. Maze brought along a scanner for me which I can keep in my rooms to record any images or sounds I want to keep since a good scanner has a much less contaminated quality than things filtered by human eyes and ears, but he warned me that if anything involved pirates he may just have to have Mara increase my exercise load. Maze took the whole Jack Sparrow thing pretty well – I think it embarrassed him, but he doesn't mind a bit of teasing. And he agreed that Johnny Depp looks a lot like him (except much older, and Maze doesn't go in for facial hair).
We met Mori riding the elevator, and I invited her along, but she said that Fourth is doing a lot of training catch-up after being away from the training facilities for so long, and had to rush off. She looked really tired, so I guess that was her way of saying Ruuel is working Fourth into the ground.
I was very keen to make sure no-one thought it was too much stress on my system, so kept each image that I was displaying to a relatively brief duration, but I finally got to show Lohn what I meant by surfing and skiing. Then I showed them some Mayan and Egyptian pyramids and Machu Piccu, which was strategy on my part, since I knew that Islen Duffen would be highly encouraging of being able to see pieces of Earth's ancient world. They agreed that there must be some kind of Sight element to me 'remembering' the fragments of documentaries I was replaying, but it didn't seem to be costing me too much energy.
It's still fairly tiring, though, and I can't play a whole song in one hit. Maybe I can put them together bit by bit. I fell asleep leaning on Ketzaren, and woke covered up but still on the couch, with Ghost curled up snugly with me. I've really got to remember to eat dinner before doing stuff I know will make me pass out.
I'm a little worried about doing this, because it might make me stronger. And the stronger I get, the more chance I have of accidentally hurting someone. If I dream about monster insects again, for instance. My Sights have definitely been growing stronger, particularly since I tried looking all the way to Muina. Since then I can sense people four levels up, and the shielding is posing less of a barrier. That has its good points and its bad points, one of which I found when I woke up just now and I wasn't missing Ruuel. Not because Els has succeeded in distracting me, but because he's asleep one floor up. If he's within my senses when I wake, it doesn't ache nearly as much.
The downside is that I really, really don't want to know if he's sleeping with Taarel. I'm trying to let him go, but that would be hard to deal with so I'm working very hard on figuring out a way to not be constantly half-aware of people around me. I need to be able to choose to be looking, or not looking, to not just be absent-mindedly aware. I've already discovered that Mori's sleeping with the Eighth Squad captain (or they're just...chatting...really closely...in the middle of her sleep cycle) and even without my problems with Ruuel I could live without finding out whole bunches of really private stuff about people by accident.
When I was sending my Earth pictures around yesterday, he was actually the first person I addressed the email to. Because he'd been training me, and, well, because I wanted to share them with him and I was very happy. But everyone else I was sending it to was my friend, and I realised I was pushing again, trying to get closer despite all my resolutions, so I removed his name. He'll read Zee's training report, after all.
Wonder if Zee will let me test more Earth-related stuff tomorrow?
Friday, July 11
Getting a message across
Big serious discussion today with Maze about
The Hidden War
. I've been ignoring the legal wrangling about it, although I knew that Evil PR Bitch has been slapped with massive fines and some weird kind of 'house arrest' which severely limits her rights and movements. The question hasn't been so much what happens to her (may she rot), but whether the producers can continue to use the information she provided.
"KOTIS is under a great deal of pressure at the moment," Maze told me. "Unlike our work in the spaces, Muina represents an immense emotional, financial and political...property. The question of whether KOTIS should control what is happening there has been raised again and again by those who see it primarily as a home to reclaim. There is increasing resentment over any attempt to control the information coming out of Muina, a growing sense that there are unnecessary layers of secrecy. KOTIS initially struggled to prevent any use of the information leaked about you altogether, but was met with political opposition as much as legal. It is very difficult to argue that it is not in the public's interest to know these things, when you can scarcely find a person outside of KOTIS who agrees."
"You're not leading up to me having to do interviews with reporters are you?"
"No. But the situation has moved on from preventing the continuing broadcast. The news services are actually reporting on each episode as it's released, operating on the belief that more of the truth is learned in fiction than in the official communications from KOTIS." He sighed. "The hunger for any kind of information about you is immense. We can't deny you are a pivotal part of the world's history, and it is no longer considered acceptable to treat you as something we can keep secret."
"KOTIS decided to turn leak to own advantage?"
"Try to." He gave me a nod for recognising basic media manipulation. "The belief in the leak is useful, and the public battle to suppress the information has added to its value. And the show itself, annoying as this situation is, is unreservedly pro-KOTIS."
"Is going to keep telling them about the things which happen to me?" I asked warily. Evil PR Bitch had run off with my file shortly after I'd gone wandering through Kalasa. "Was kind of glad that stupid dreams weren't going to turn up on gossip forums."
"Perhaps if you hadn't dreamed Kalasa's past so spectacularly that would have been possible." He gave my shoulder a quick squeeze. "That can't be undone, and there's very little chance that we'll succeed in keeping it from leaking for much longer. Rumours are already surfacing. We are very likely to release the scans of that ceremony, and detail the process involved in gaining full access to Kalasa. As for the ongoing relationship with this drama – because so much of it is being taken as truth, we're growing increasingly concerned with controlling the amount of fiction."
"Evil Fourth Squad?"
Maze winced. "One of the things we hope to gain trading information is the ability to correct particularly dangerous errors, and to lessen the damage being done to the squads who are linked to major events. There was a scene in tonight's episode which they've agreed to remove–" He shook his head.
"You see episodes ahead of release?"
"And soon scripts, well before production. Because they're so interested in keeping close to your true story, we don't anticipate needing to demand changes very often." He made a face. "Terrible as it was, the Array massive served to remind more than a few people that Setari are too valuable to this world to purposelessly toy with. And the situation on Kolar was so bad until their Setari tracked down the source of the Ionoth which have been so destructive there."
I wasn't particularly happy, but I could tell the main decisions had already been made. "Can I veto stuff as well?"
Maze agreed to that readily enough, then rubbed his temple. "I've always been more than pleased to ignore these dramas. Having them included in my duties is not a happy development. Fourth is a strong squad, and will weather this, particularly if we can keep dramatic indulgences to a minimum. But there's something I do need to settle there." His mouth had gone all thin, the way it does when he's doing things he doesn't like. "Ruuel recommended the change in instructor for your Sights training, and said that he'd been unnecessarily strict. If Fourth is one of the squads you'd prefer not to work with, I need to know about it."
I could feel my face burn – a mix of anger and embarrassment. "Fourth my favourite squad other than First. Trust Ruuel very much, strict or not. Only thing seriously upset me with Fourth was Sight training with blindfold. Evil Fourth Squad funny at first, but joke get old very quick. Tonight's episode nasty about them again? If following my story close, have reached when I go to Earth near-space? Did they get someone else to save me or something?"
"No." Maze was looking relieved. I expect it would have caused him quite a headache to add Fourth to the nasty squad list. "Everything's a matter of tone and a few extra words. That's partly why this is so difficult."
He gave me the episode, and went to get us something to eat while I watched. It really bugs me that Evil PR Bitch, and who knows how many other people, have watched me wander around Earth's near-space and then talk to my family. The show kept to that pretty well, beyond my home looking distinctly Taren, and that they'd had to make up a translation (subtitles) for my sign conversation. I'd never translated it, and never been asked to – a tiny bit of consideration for which I was grateful. I was surprised how well they'd guessed my family's responses, though they'd made Nick my brother and removed one of my aunts. The girl who plays the sexy kitten version of me is a rather good actress, and you could really see how much she ached to be able to hug her Mum.
Then Lastier showed up, and said almost exactly what Ruuel had said, except he added the things Ruuel had chosen not to say, starting with: "Are you so very selfish?" before explaining the risk I was posing to Earth. Lastier is a very interesting character – all Ruuel's competence, but with portions of Kajal's personality. Not outright evil, but blatantly revelling in his own excellence. The saint-like woman they had playing my Mum looked him up and down and signed: "Cruel eyes. Be careful."