Home sweet
First and Fourth were away for a really long time on today's rotation. It's so frustrating to be too valuable to go with them. Instead of finding a way to save the universe, I feel like I'm being packed in cotton wool, just spinning my wheels instead of making any progress. But I guess there's not much I can do about that except work hard during my exercise sessions so they think I'm recovered enough to contribute. No more medical dramas or fainting fits or conjuring things up to hurt me.
As it is, I'm going to have to make sure to start doing something which takes all my attention – like playing my historical mystery games – around the time First and Fourth are due back because I was climbing the walls by the time they finally returned. Zee cancelled my Sights training because she was so tired and had missed when it was supposed to start.
She told me it had been a great success, though, since they'd finally tracked down the home space of those hairy roamers which have been causing all the squads grief since the spaces realigned. One thing I hadn't realised about roamers which originate in spaces, rather than in deep-space, is that if the roamers leave their home space long enough, the space 'remembers' them again. So the numbers can really build up.
Kaoren came and found me almost straight away, which surprised me since he likes to get his report writing out of the way before coming near me and my tendency to kiss him. We found something to eat, and then he began to talk about the roamers' home space, voice his usual detached tone, but his hands moving restlessly, which is very unusual for him.
"They're one of the most unpleasant Ionoth we've encountered. They kill for trophies, and torment and torture the occupants of the spaces they invade. Trap paths. And engage in ritualistic ceremonies which make uncomfortable imprints in Place. Their home space was large and beautiful – orchards, a village apparently woven from thin branches – but so ugly in Place that it was almost impossible to view that way. And it is also like the Castle space – the space is a memory of the occupants of the village being invaded, overwhelmed, driven into the surrounding orchards by a different type of Ionoth. We arrived in the portion of the cycle where the roamers are being pushed out, and instead of engaging with them, we removed the conquerors. There is a strong chance that if we continue to do this during the critical period, they will not roam. It is a rotation which will take at least two squads to achieve, if only to discourage them by force of numbers from attacking us."
"There still roamers from previous cycles out there, yes?"
"More than likely. Even if there are not, the traps they've laid will remain until the spaces revert."
"Be strange for roamers if go back to home space and have fight with themselves," I said. "Can see why Zee so pleased with today's result, though."
"Dual squads are working well for exploration," he said. "Not so well for some of the clearance rotations because two heavy-strength squads are overkill for many spaces, and unless they continually leave one squad a space behind they're encountering the greater numbers of deep-space Ionoth predicted. We've been drawing them, too, but only when we pause too long in the same space."
He tucked me against his side and settled down to work on his reports, which I thought an excellent way to deal with so much of his time having to be devoted to being a squad captain. I don't think it was only for my benefit, either. The roamers' home space was obviously really difficult for him to deal with – he and Halla both study new spaces closely for evaluation purposes – and I think that being with me put some of the nastier aspects at a distance for him.
I spent my time educationally, watching a documentary on seaweed (the source of much of Tare's oxygen, which I had been wondering about given the lack of trees). An entire ocean of seaweed, great heaving masses of it so thick that it heaps up above the water and then gets ripped apart by storms. It's a bit like earth worms – being cut up is a way for it to reproduce.
Taren documentaries are so entertainingly weird, but I really should stop watching them. I still can't sit anywhere near an air duct without picturing that cleaning snot glooping about on the other side. Waiting. And the other day there was one about how the toilets work. They're lined with a nanite similar to the cleaning snot, which engulfs anything in there when the lid closes and moves it away beyond the membrane of goop through pipes all the way to waste recycling. Not only did I
not
want to hear about what they did with it after that, but they kept comparing the process to what happens to a mouthful of food when you swallow it. Now whenever I put the toilet lid down, I
swear
I can faintly hear:
Om nom nom nom
Anyway, the seaweed documentary was nearly over when a channel request came from Els, who asked me if I had anything planned for my free day.
I blushed; a silly thing, but Kaoren was right there and it felt so strange to have someone else trying to arrange a date 'right in front of him'. "Els very nice person–" I began, carefully.
He laughed. "I can hear the 'but' already. I improve on further acquaintance, I promise."
"Believe you." I paused and looked up at Kaoren's face, mouth a straight unsmiling line, eyes half-closed, blackly unreadable. "Sorry, but am very in love with someone else."
Els really is a cool guy, and he gracefully said: "Then I can only be envious of that person. We can still chat at lunch, I hope, if that won't make you uncomfortable."
That was fine with me, since I doubted anyone would take seriously rumours about us much longer. I said goodbye to Els, and have spent the next while catching up on this diary entry. I think I'll try projecting some music once Kaoren's reports are done. I've been thinking about recording some classical music for Zan (presuming I can remember what little classical music I've heard – Mum only likes classical in small amounts and I never really paid much attention). Since I haven't done anything much at all today, I'm hoping I might be able to get a good segment of something recorded, and piece it together into a whole over the next few days.
Thursday, July 17
If that's your boyfriend...
I managed almost half of
Night on Bald Mountain
for Zan yesterday and then Kaoren and I both slept till what would count as about 4 am in our current sleep cycle, when he woke from a minor nightmare about the hairy roamer space. He seemed very glad I was there, and we enjoyed the luxury of not having anything at all scheduled until the afternoon, when Kaoren had arranged to take his sister out into the city after meeting me. I'm not allowed out without a really large escort now, and that's not going to change in the near future. I was working on not being grumpy about that.
We ate leftovers and chatted briefly about music (it doesn't surprise me that what music Kaoren does listen to is the Taren version of classical), but again we didn't do much talking. Kaoren is a lot less stingy with words privately than he is when he's on duty, and has so far answered every question I've asked him. But I still haven't recovered from my tendency to kiss him.
Around mid-morning Maze sent us the next episode of
The Hidden War
to review, which distracted me enough to stop for breakfast.
"Would you watch this if Fourth Squad hadn't been pulled into it?" I asked, as we settled on the couch with mugs of hot soup.
"I have for years, though not so devotedly as Eyse and Ferus. It shapes the way we are viewed too greatly to ignore, as well as being well-written. A distorted mirror." Kaoren tilted his head at whatever expression was on my face, then gave me one of his barely visible smiles. "If my squad would stop taking it as a direct insult, Lastier would be a source of endless amusement. Some of the things he has said were very much what I was thinking."
He keeps surprising me. "I guess I was very dirty."
"No, 'pathetic creature' would be closer there." His smile faded, then he took my mug and put it and his own on the floor then pulled me properly onto his lap and gave me an image out of his personal log – a closed but not opaque pod on the
Diodel
, with the me from months ago lying inside, freshly scrubbed and deeply unconscious. In the medical tunic they'd given me after I'd been rescued I looked painfully thin and bruised. "I was mildly surprised that you'd managed to survive, composed my report, and didn't think about you until we found you being trained by Namara. Yet I kept that image."
He recovered our mugs (Telekinesis is so useful) and we watched the episode quietly, waiting till the end to talk since there were no ads. It was the first time the show had been primarily from 'my' point of view since I was rescued. I find it odd the things which they show out of order, or which were hugely important to me which are left out altogether. Like my reaction to having my interface expanded, which did after all nearly kill me, and hurt like hell and had me throw the only real tantrum I've managed since I got here. And they'd skipped me going into the spaces with First Squad, which I'm pretty sure was somehow linked to me being able to go home on my birthday (after all, that's hardly the first time I'd been desperately homesick).
As I'd expected the episode started out with me bored and locked up. Even kitten-me was looking sulky. Then the TV equivalent of Maze came in and copped a serve about being transparently manipulative (though since they hadn't shown First Squad taking me to lunch, I felt the impact was rather muted). But it seems they were catching up on some of the things we missed, since after my release from medical they showed First (or Squad Emerald, rather) taking me out into the Ena, and then Nori (Zan) and Faer (Maze) and another Squad Emerald person, Shim, doing more enhancement testing with me and promptly making me collapse when the three of them touched me at once. It switched to Nori's point of view after that, to show the Setari being all shocked and guilt-ridden while they waited around in medical to see whether I had brain damage. Shim (who is male but not at all like Lohn) talked about how Faer had only just decided my language difficulties were because I really was from a non-Muina related planet, and fretted and paced about, but Faer was being silently white-lipped. Then the good news, that I should recover completely, and Faer told Nori she could go and it closed on her looking back at him watching me through an observation window.
"Guess setting up love triangle reason why this out of order," I told Kaoren, pulling a face. "Don't see why can't just stick to the actual story."
"You're refusing to look if you haven't seen how strongly protective Surion is toward you."
Kaoren didn't sounded bothered by this, just pointing out a technicality. I guess Place and Sight Sight is going to spare me any misplaced jealousy.
"Maze has never once made me feel he was interested in seeing me naked," I said. Fortunately. "Was thinking more of Zan. She doesn't need any more aggravation because of me, and this show kind of puts her in a love triangle with me and Maze."
"You're very attached to Namara."
"Zan – that first week when was training me, I wasn't enjoying it, and she get all this hassle because of it, and she was never impatient with me despite all that. I was an assignment, and she very private person, but she let me in a little. And for a while was only person I saw except the ones sticking needles in me," I added equably.
Something in this conversation – either Maze or Zan or needles or the reminder of me being an assignment – put Kaoren into a thoughtful sort of mood, and he touched my cheek lightly, then suggested that we meet at the canteen for lunch, and went to get changed for going out into the city.
I know that Kaoren, in his reasons for not wanting to be with me, didn't really underline what might be the main one, worse than enhancing his Sights in sleep. So long as he's a Setari, I'm an assignment. And to the bluesuits me jumping into bed with Kaoren isn't a problem, it's an opportunity. If a situation comes up where they need to control me, they'll absolutely try and do it through him.
I arrived at the canteen first, and hesitated in the doorway, trying to decide where to sit. Kaoren and I eating lunch together on our free day isn't precisely an announcement, but I didn't doubt it would be noticed. Worse, my least favourite person was there with her squad.
Forel isn't silly enough to be openly hostile to me, so she smiled and nodded as I walked past. Her squad followed her lead, and I said hi, but didn't hang around chatting. I don't think moving from being a valuable stray to a planet-unlocking stray has changed Forel's opinion of me. I couldn't quite hear what she said as I walked on to the servery, but I definitely caught Els' name, and Tsennan laughed.
In the end I sat where I usually sit, because finding the most sheltered corner wouldn't hide me any, only make me all the more conspicuous. A couple of people from Eleventh came in, and then Kaoren, in a dark green pullover, and charcoal grey pants. It was almost disconcerting to see him in ordinary clothes, though they didn't make him look any less dangerous. Or a fraction less hot.
I'm not the only one who thought so, either. Forel followed him up to the servery, the rest of her squad vanishing – totally ordered to go away (and Tsennan looking less than happy about it). All she did was talk to Kaoren while he was waiting for his food, looking all very professional and serious, but she touched his arm, which is such an impolite thing to do to a Place Sight talent. And then I had to laugh at myself for lighting up in outraged fury, and had a sudden mental image of me as Daffy Duck, clutching Kaoren and shouting: "Mine! Mine! Mine!" I'm pretty sure Kaoren can handle whatever she was trying to project at him, and at least she left looking not quite pleased with herself. Forel might count as the resident mean girl, but all that achieved for her was being put on a list of squads I won't be assigned to.