"Maze is, but I asked if he could show them to me. Get them the day before."
"You'd be able to say what happens next even without that," Mori said, giving Halla a look I couldn't interpret.
"Not really – they keep showing things out of order. Skipped couple of weeks in Setari facility before I went Earth's near-space."
"What would come next? If they resumed telling it in order?" Sonn, too, didn't seem to be asking just out of curiosity.
"Given a lot more interface rights, and an apartment rather than being locked in room in medical between training. Trained with First and Second Squad and then went on Unara Rotation with First." I paused (I was flipping through the images of my diary which I've recorded on my personal log). "Depends really on what's in my leaked file. Next thing I'd consider important was that Zan told me what second level monitoring was, which no-one had bothered to mention to me before. I guess she or Maze might have filed report about that. After that – Lights Rotation, enhancement testing with Eighth, then Maze Rotation and I met Ghost."
"That's the Ionoth cat?" Glade was watching me with a quizzical smile, but not quite looking happy. "Were you really locked up in medical?"
"Yes. They got pretty close to what I said to Maze – kept in box and taken out for tests." I shrugged. "After Maze Rotation, tested with Third Squad, then Castle Rotation. Then there was the stickie lockdown and Ghost showed up again. Then Seventh Squad, then Bridges Rotation, then Fifth Squad." I wrinkled my nose. "Then Pillar recovery, which is next time I had anything to do with Fourth, which I guess is why you're asking. You were all unconscious by the time I got there, but I expect that episode will show what happened before that. Not likely script will follow all that anyway."
"We've been trying to work out a strategy to counter this," Mori said, giving Sonn a quelling glance. "All very well to be told that everyone here knows that it's fiction, but when the interface is full of pictures of Tsee Ruuel, speculating over whether he is the template for Lastier–"
"What could you do?" I asked curiously, while trying to decide whether this would be a good or extremely awkward moment to mention that something rather major had changed.
"At this stage, gnash our teeth loudly and complain," Glade said.
"We can't do anything," Halla said flatly. "You can."
"This isn't the right way," Par told her, while I was busy looking surprised.
"You mean make statement to press or something?" I asked.
"No." I think Sonn and Mori had been arguing on a private channel – or just frowning at each other at random moments – but Sonn went on to say: "If you're being given these episodes in advance, then object to this slander. Not just the most obscene excesses, but all of it, everything not true."
"Isn't it too late?" I glanced at Mori, who was biting her lip but not quite objecting. "First thing Lastier said about me set the character, and is too well established now that even if stuck to exact truth and stopped sneering at everyone, would still be evil Lastier."
"She's right," Glade said. "What would you suggest, Caszandra? I doubt talking to the press is going to be encouraged, but I swear if another person mutters 'filthy creature' to me I'm going to be up on a fighting reprimand."
"Wait two weeks," I said, and stood up, well aware that I'd gone red. I really hadn't wanted to talk to the rest of Fourth about Kaoren, not so soon.
"What happens in two weeks?" Mori looked very worried, which isn't surprising since part of Fourth's job is making sure I don't get too upset.
I spoke quickly, face hotter with every word. "Given how little real privacy I have this planet, and how quickly gossip seems to spread, two weeks about longest I think will take before producers of
The Hidden War
frantically order rewrites to scripts and start trying to make Lastier more sympathetic. Maybe they'll get me reform him?" I shrugged, not able to look at any of them when I added: "Don't see how else they'll reconcile evil Lastier with the fact that I'm sleeping with Kaoren."
I walked off immediately, wishing it was not such a long way across the training room, and was very relieved when I heard Glade burst out laughing. And Mori sent me an apologetic email before I'd reached my room, not saying very much and managing to express astonishment with every word, but at least not seeming angry. But I know, could tell, that she's not going to be quite the same with me.
I sent Kaoren an email, just saying that Fourth had been talking to me about Lastier and I'd ended up telling them we were together. His response was "Perhaps they'll start enjoying him now."
I hope Mara was right about them adjusting.
Saturday, July 19
Chink in the armour
Last night Kaoren asked me if I'd read my diary to him. He'd been in a quiet mood, barely speaking, which isn't as upsetting as it sounds because it makes him very physically expressive. Just as I was drowsing off to sleep he asked me, then added: "I know it's not a small thing. Particularly because I would need it to be complete. If you censored parts I would know, and that would truly distract me."
I'd gone very still and surprised, and was well aware that he'd know my reaction wasn't exactly positive. "Whole thing?" I asked after a moment.
"I cannot learn your world as you have been learning mine. And I have – my Sights drive me to understand – everything I deal with, but most particularly you. Don't decide immediately–"
"It's okay." I propped myself up on one elbow, looking at him through the half-light. "Reading diary be embarrassing in bits, but can live with that if really important to you. Though will make me sound very whiney. Hope you have high tolerance for entry after entry about how much I wished I could stop thinking about you."
There was a lot of kissing after that, and when we did go to sleep he kept shifting so I was trapped underneath him, which is something he seems to do when he's upset. I don't think either of us are regretting getting together, but we're still learning what we're like, and one thing I have to keep in mind is how much Kaoren's life is driven by his Sights, and what those Sights mean for the future of our 'together'. I
think
that I'll be able to cope with a relationship without secrets, but that's the kind of optimistic thing I can tell myself right up until I have something I don't want to admit.
My diary, at least, isn't that big a stumbling block. Not that I didn't spend a lot of today flipping through what I've written and imagining Kaoren's reaction. And I don't know if I'll be able to write in exactly the same way, knowing one day he'll hear it. I've kept half-starting and stopping writing this and wondering whether I'm leaving bits out that I'd normally say. Especially about what happened this morning, when I wandered out of Kaoren's room mid-morning and ran straight into Eeli and Meht from Third.
Eeli started to smile at me, then stared at the door I'd come through. And then her eyes went huge and round, and she said: "How could you?!" and sort of wavered in one spot and then ran back into her room.
Meht, who I haven't had much to do with at all, but who is about as stolid as Eeli is high-strung, shook her head and said: "There goes today's training session," and got an abstract 'talking over the interface' expression while I was busy being all mortified, and then Taarel sent me a message saying: "Come talk in my room for a joden." The door to her apartment – which is just opposite Kaoren's – slid open and, wishing I was anywhere else, I went in.
Taarel was wearing her hair in a long braid down her back, which made her look totally not herself (and eerily like Zee). And she has a big lighted terrarium full of plants, which would have swallowed a lot of my attention if I hadn't been so nervous about having this particular conversation. Of course, I didn't expect her to be nasty or anything, since she's not that kind of person at all, but I'd been spending a lot of mental energy on "what about Meer".
"Don't mind Eeli," she said, gesturing for me to sit down on a black couch covered with a dark green throw. "She's long enjoyed all measure of romantic dreams about Kaoren and I, and I should have prepared her for the reality."
"Dreams not entirely without basis, though?" I said, or asked, since I still wasn't a hundred percent certain.
"Kaoren hasn't talked to you about this at all, has he?" She sat across from me, faintly exasperated.
I shook my head. "I could have asked, guess," I said. "But felt that most probably he would have said something if you were – if there–" I broke off, feeling the heat from my face spreading all the way down my chest. I seem to do nothing but blush lately.
"If you'd stolen him from me," she finished comfortably. "Very true, he would have. But taking the position that it's no-one's business won't spare you reactions like Eeli's. No, Kaoren's never been mine, or I've never been his or however you want to view it. We've been very...convenient to each other, but it was never deeper than that."
I found this just as clear as Kaoren's "never had that kind of relationship", and said doubtfully: "Friends with benefits?"
That wasn't a Taren phrase, but Taarel's very smart and saw what I meant straight away. "Yes, you could call it that. Allies. He is not what I want, and he has never wanted to distract himself with anything serious. But we have a level of trust, and understood each other well enough to give each other an occasional physical outlet. An arrangement which, quiet as we have kept it, has been assumed as far more."
I chewed my lip. "Don't think Eeli be happy to give up idea. Or necessarily believe."
Taarel looked amused. "Eeli will believe what I tell her. And then she will apologise very prettily to you. And then she will want to know all about how you and Kaoren decided for each other, and whether he manages to be at all romantic or if he simply tells you exactly what he wants you to do." That, of course, made me practically go purple, and she laughed. "Kaoren and I would never have survived as a couple. We both enjoy being in charge far too much. And on that note, I think I shall borrow you for the morning. My squad has swimming practice, and I want them to learn this style you taught Namara."
And to show that she is completely undisturbed by anything about me and Kaoren. Taarel really is a spectacular person. Eeli behaved exactly as predicted, and the swimming lesson went very well. The rest of Third only looked at me a little strangely, but since they adore Taarel they behaved toward me as Taarel wanted them to. I swear the woman could conquer a country in an afternoon.
I felt like saying something about Maze to her, but decided not to. It's not nice to prod weak spots.
Sunday, July 20
Expansion
It's going to take me several centuries to read Kaoren my diary since he asks so many questions – every second sentence seemed to contain a place name or a concept he wanted explained. We started off with a long discussion on swear words, since swearing was about all I wanted to do, stuck on a hill in a forest. So I've now learned several interesting Taren words which no-one else would explain to me, and Kaoren can use Earth's most flexible (English) swearword as noun, verb and adjective. An important first step in our cultural exchange.
Then we moved on to Eloise. Tarens and Kolarens don't use middle names, and I'd never brought it up, so my middle name came a bit out of nowhere for Kaoren. He says it is after all a piece of me, and I think was more upset about not knowing part of my name than he wanted to admit. He knew, though, that the Tarens are misspelling Cassandra, and wasn't at all surprised that I haven't corrected it simply because I think it's funny and sounds cool.
I managed to read through my first day, and that was the longest conversation we've ever had. I think I'm going to enjoy reading to him.
Other than training with Third, yesterday was how a normal rotation day would be for us. Kaoren read reports before going into the Ena, came out tired, had to write up a bunch more reports, and was ready for sleep in the late afternoon. I had 'free training' in the morning, then my projection training in early afternoon, and fell asleep curled up against him while he was finishing his last report. We both woke up starving, caught up on news while we ate, and then got very non-verbal for a while. And then diary reading, kissing, and sleep again.
I'm using up what little free time Kaoren used to have, and getting worried about whether he's going to end up needing a holiday to recover from me. Though he has been sleeping deeply and well, so isn't wandering around looking all shadowy-eyed.
This morning was stretching and weights with First Squad and Fourth Squad, which I was nervous about. But no-one in Fourth acted cross. I think they were trying to behave just as usual when I came in, and Par smiled at me, while Glade was looking highly entertained, and they all pretended they weren't watching in fascination every time Kaoren spoke to me – though they'd have been disappointed if they'd been closer, since he was mainly telling me the same stuff Mara does about not bending my knees.
After the training session Maze, who watched me and Kaoren fairly closely as well, but seemed satisfied with how we were, told us all that First and Fourth would probably be posted back to Muina again in another couple of weeks, after the second phase of the larger squad trial. And just now (now being me in the middle of another uncomfortable session of work on my legs) they brought all the squads into a virtual meeting and announced that two senior Kalrani will be temporarily assigned to each squad, and join training sessions for a week before working with the squad on rotations.
"If eight-strength squads are successful, the assignments will be reviewed and made permanent," Maze told us. "No decision has been made as yet on what to do regarding accommodation, but the most likely options are to expand to the far side of the lift well, as with Devlin's quarters, or to shuffle every squad upwards to make room. Either way, a second lift is being considered to facilitate urgent movement."