"Very well. One stilt, but not the crowds of deep-space roamers we'd feared. It works especially well with an exploration squad, of course, since they must remain in a newly-cleared space much longer than a combat-oriented squad. We only fought together on the stilt and on one particularly populated space – one which Fourth would have been very unlikely to have been able to clear on their own. We'll also be trialing eight-member squads, and the next few weeks will involve a great deal of data collection to gauge which approach results in fewer injuries. Possibly it will be a question of using both options, depending on the spaces involved."
We went down to Keszen Point a little early, and put in a really solid session of testing – again repeating earlier tests, but with manifestation as well as Sights. I guess seeing things is where I might most logically contribute, and we're making progress on finding out my limits. Zee didn't question me any more about Kaoren, which I thought nice of her, but the test session left me so exhausted I fell asleep on the train back and woke on my couch.
Kaoren's in another meeting, but it shouldn't be much longer. He told me to eat without him. Squad captains are kept very busy, even when they're not getting hauled over the coals for smexing strays, and I bet I'm going to have fun dealing with how little time Kaoren has for anything but being captain.
Though right now I'm still pretty much champagne bubbles and incredulous gloatation.
Monday, July 14
More than a rumour
When Kaoren came to my rooms after his meeting, there was a red line, a cut, following the line of his jaw. The everyday danger the Setari face wasn't something I enjoyed being reminded of, and I reached up and touched the thin mark.
"Is that my fault?" I asked. "Because you not concentrating?"
He ran his thumb along the cut, as if he'd forgotten it was there. "Flying Leaves space. You went through it with First. The population increase there has made it exceptionally difficult. And the effort of not thinking of you has been far more distracting than–"
I kissed him, effectively putting off any chat till this morning, and then we were nearly late for our respective training sessions. I think neither of us wanted to talk about how much harder the spaces are getting, or how much easier Flying Leaves space would have been if Lohn had been able to create a Light wall with me. Or maybe we just didn't want to talk at all, to try and frame words around the transition we've gone through. We've skipped stages I know how to label – first dates and movies and working up to going steady – straight into an undefined state of together.
I guess 'together' will do as a word.
During our bout of stretching/yoga torture, Mara pretended Zee hadn't told her anything, having great fun at my expense asking if I had had any nightmares, and whether I was moving stiffly because I wasn't getting enough training. But eventually she stopped, and gave me a hug.
"It's too fun making you blush. You should have seen Lohn's reaction. He kept saying: 'With Ruuel? Are you sure?' Then he asked Maze if he felt like a father whose little girl had grown up."
I smiled at that – it was just what I'd expect Lohn to say. But I had something more serious it had occurred to me to worry about. "Unsure Fourth Squad reaction," I said. "Fourth Squad with Kaoren bit like First Squad with Maze – respect him and protective of him – but don't tease him the same way. And they've been good to me. I think might be uncomfortable about this."
"Probably at first," Mara agreed, with the blunt honesty which lets me ask her questions like that. "Every squad, even First, places their captain into a special category. The authority captains have over their squad, and the need to trust their orders in situations of extreme danger, makes it very difficult to treat them as a peer. In many ways it's better not to. Captain training is difficult to pass, and balancing a squad around a captain is usually the main reason for delay in forming new squads. Ninth showed you where even a competent captain can fail to cope with a squad member wrong for her type.
"Ruuel is an excellent captain, a very strong personality, but distant. It works well with Fourth. They are proud of him, strive to live up to him. I know that if he was my captain, I would find it difficult if a friend of mine became his lover. If you are close to them, and he is not distant with you, it changes their relationship with their captain. Don't be too surprised if their initial reaction is a little more than surprise. They'll adapt."
"If they don't?"
Mara gave me a wry smile. "Then they won't be living up to their captain. If nothing else, this should remove some of the pressure they've been under because of
The Hidden War
. If you are happily bedding Ruuel, there can't be much basis to this villainous Lastier." But she went on more seriously. "Don't underestimate the situation generally, however. Maze was very concerned – he hadn't suspected at all – and since Ruuel
is
such a strong personality, he was worried about how much of this is really what you want." She snorted. "Zee pointed out that you're the girl who gave him a lecture on how annoying our transparently manipulative psychological tactics were. You're not an aggressive person, but whenever we've come up against things you care about strongly, you've grown unexpectedly firm."
I felt my face burn, and looked away, but said: "Liked Kaoren since he brought back from Earth near-space. He has tried very hard discourage me."
She tousled my hair. "Can't say I'd want to get into bed with a piece of living history either. Now with this next set of stretches, stop bending your knee."
I had medical for the afternoon, so Mara gave me an early break for lunch and of course I ran straight into Mori, who grabbed my hand and dragged me into a corner of the canteen. "I'm feeling very uninformed, Caszandra. Tell me if the rumours are true."
"Which rumour?" I asked, wishing I'd been sensible and eaten in my room.
"The Els Haral and Caszandra Devlin spending lots of time together rumour. We saw you the day we came back from Muina, but no-one bothered till now to let me know there was more to it."
I tried not to look too relieved. "Els chatted to me couple of times at lunch, and gave me very good idea for making projections from memories rather than visualisations."
"There's more to it than that, I bet. I hear he's not hiding his interest."
"Not going to happen," I said, firmly.
She looked tempted to press me more, but Glade, Par and Halla had found us, so Mori settled for murmuring wickedly: "After all, we have it on record that the Third Squad captain is the best looking."
Fortunately Glade was more interested in talking about the various squad pairings, letting me play coward and put off changing the way they treat me. They seemed pretty pleased with how yesterday's rotation went, and no longer quite so worried about being 'junior squad'. First, of course, are easy to work with and Glade was super happy that Mara had complimented him on the way he'd taken down one of the Ionoth. From that conversation I finally learned that Maze and Mara are considered the best hand-to-hand fighters among the Taren Setari, with Kaoren's Sight Sight believed to give him a mild advantage over pure technique.
How Mara puts up with training me I don't know, but I am exceptionally pleased that she and Zee think I'm not a complete pushover, despite my combat failures. I don't think I've ever had a nicer compliment.
I'm in medical now, having the usual scans and another round of cosmetic work on my legs. Fleshy blue bandages for the next few days. And Kaoren wants me to come to his room after the medics are done. He says the door will open to me.
Tuesday, July 15
Cheer Squad
Kaoren was still training when I was let loose from medical, so I footled about for a while, changing clothes and brushing my hair a lot and looking doubtfully at the small amount of makeup I'd been given by Nenna. When I've been out in the city with Zee and Mara and Ketzaren and Alay they've sometimes worn a little makeup, but it's not practical for their day-to-day work. I've been following their lead, but felt like, I don't know, marking the transition I've made, I guess.
Although briefly tempted to see how Kaoren would react to Cass the Goth, I settled for a touch of lip gloss and felt tremendously conspicuous walking down the corridor on Third and Fourth's floor, for all I knew perfectly well both squads were elsewhere. And even though he said he'd added me to his apartment's permissions, I still felt weirdly convinced Kaoren's door wouldn't open to me, until it did.
Kaoren didn't have any active images in the public space of his apartment. Instead he had pictures on the walls, real pictures in deep frames like glassed-in boxes. Inside were little landscapes, cities, forests, all cut out of what looked like stiff white paper, some parts outlined in black or delicate colours but most just white on white. Incredibly complex and beautiful and amazing, with so much detail that you'd need hours to look at a single picture properly. He had four of them and in one, which reminded me a lot of High Forest space, I saw some miniature figures which I realised were Setari.
Deeply impressed, I spent a long time finding other tiny details, then moved on to the rest of the main room. Very tidy, which didn't surprise me at all, with white and blue colours for the furniture, including long, dark blue shelves on the wall without pictures, full of evenly spaced objects. A specked-green stone statue which looked vaguely Mayan. A small, palm-sized curved bowl. A set of thick shiny metal links all joined together like an oversized puzzle ring. A really smooth pebble which looked like it had come from Pandora. An origami crane, the one I'd handed to him in my dream. It was a disjointed collection.
The bedroom and bathroom were very bare and clear by comparison, and I wandered around briefly, then curled up in one of the surprisingly comfortable chairs (they looked very firm, but were wide and deep) and immediately dozed off, and then Kaoren was there looking down at me with his eyes half-closed, as if trying to decide whether to wake me. I held out a hand and he slid into the chair beside me, which just snugly held us both.
I enjoyed the way his expression lightened, as if just sitting down with me lifted his mood, though he went on to say, "You have a slight temperature. A side-effect of the reconstructive work."
"Don't feel that bad," I said. "Bit groggy." I curled my hand around the back of his head and kissed him slowly because I could, because I was allowed to, then said: "I like this room. First time I've seen real pictures on walls since came to Tare. Get lost looking at them."
"My brother creates them for me."
"Good illustration of how little I know about you," I said, sleepily accepting the idea of Kaoren having a brother, though I've had a chance since then to get a bit nervous about meeting any of the Ruuels. "Will you tell me about your family?"
He didn't reply immediately, and I wondered if he didn't want to, but then he started off, voice detached:
"My mother is Teor Ruuel. A sculptor. My father, Paran, a mathematician. I was five and Arden – my brother – six when the Setari program shifted to phase two, and both of us tested as strong talents. Sight is very much a part of the Ruuel bloodline. Our parents did not try to prevent our removal by KOTIS – they would have had little chance of succeeding any legal challenge – but they are very opposed to the concept of Setari. Of 'squandering gifted on futile violence, best left to the untalented'. When we were permitted home visits, we were forbidden to speak of our training."
I was staring up at him, but his eyes were focused on someone not there so I didn't say anything.
"Arden has my Sights, not Speed, and is vastly my superior in Light element. He loathed the program, rebelled in every way. Many Kalrani do, and KOTIS is generally successful in directing that energy more usefully, but Arden's resolution was beyond them and he was allowed to withdraw at eleven. He is becoming increasingly known for his creations."
"He couldn't accept learning to kill?"
Kaoren turned his head to look at the pictures on the walls. "That didn't matter to Arden. He simply considers his time better spent."
"Do you enjoy visit home?" It seemed to me that Kaoren's family was a bad fit for someone who is so very serious about being a Setari.
"No. I only return now to escort my sister, Siame. She is in her forties, a Kalrani. I want you to meet her, on the free day we have scheduled. She will be painfully jealous of what you are to me, but will try not to show it."
First a brother, and then a sister, one who was going to be jealous. "I'll try not to be–" I paused, thinking about it – and reminding myself that the forties are the mid-teens. "Try not to be threatening."
He let out his breath, a short 'tuh' of amusement, but then kissed me and had an interesting time stopping kissing me, particularly since I don't take a slight temperature nearly as seriously as he did. He'd ordered in food (a selection of spicy goop, hot and cold, with something which could have been naan bread) and after we ate he told me the origins of the seemingly random items on the shelves in the room. Some of them were very unremarkable to look at, but were all about his Sights and the way they felt to him in Place. The way he spoke made me wonder if he'd ever talked about them before.
My blue bandages meant no indulgently long showers, but even a short one was sufficient to convince Kaoren that my temperature was probably not really a concern. I experimented with how he reacted when I tried to take the lead, and found that he'd let me do anything I cared to, but that not being in charge drove him completely insane. It was very fun for me to let him stop passively taking it.
I wonder if Kaoren's parents still think the Setari are a futile waste, now that they've recovered a world.
Wednesday, July 16