Map of the brain
Swimming was okay. It's been long enough, I guess, and it did help loosen up all my complaining muscles. I hope eventually it'll be fun again.
Zee took me back out to Keszen Point, which had obviously reverted to being a warehouse during my absence, since the boxes were different boxes. Ista Chemie was very interested in the Kalasa projection, rumours of which are already rife on the interface, and also the fact that I feel like the manifestation bit of me is still tired. We started out small – another mug, in fact – and though I can picture a mug in my head very easily, I couldn't make one appear, full of cocoa or not. And I don't seem to be causing anything at all to happen in near-space. This is nothing but a good thing from my point of view.
We moved on to a series of visualisations, measuring my energy output and my brain's electrical activity when trying to see a distinct series of rooms of around the same size at increasing distances around Tare. And then a visualisation of a fictional place for contrast. It was a pretty productive session, both for clearly identifying which part of my brain is responsible for the Sight talent, and for me to become more aware of the separate mechanisms. I kept accidentally trying to manifest things, and I could feel myself not able to, and eventually I began to anticipate the twinge and deliberately avoid it. So the Kalasa manifestation cost me a couple of days of unconsciousness, but gave me a little progress in return. And a chance to not be so worried about accidentally making monsters.
This kind of training will be every second day from now on, with nothing but physical training on First Squad's off-rotation days until I'm fit and healthy. Only then, and if they've gained a proper understanding of the limits and costs of my talent set, will they even consider poking me at Muina again.
Zee was very tired by the time we were heading back, and I made jokes about carrying her to her quarters. I told her, as we rode the elevator, that I had been trying in vain to think of a way to thank everyone for my snowball fight, but she thought this tremendously funny, and told me the snowball fight was them thanking me, and besides they'd all enjoyed themselves.
Then I asked her didn't she think my beanie had suited Nils and she tweaked a strand of my hair and told me she'd make sure Mara left me too exhausted to remember what a beanie was.
I much prefer training with the Setari to being babysat.
Wednesday, July 2
Ow
Entire body hurts. Mara carries out Zee's instructions very well.
Thursday, July 3
In a galaxy far, far-
The whole morning went to medical for the beginning of cosmetic work on my legs. Not too bad, though it left the skin feeling numb and oddly hot, and I have bandages again.
This afternoon Zee had me try and visualise what's going on in Pandora. They wanted to do this test while I'm still not able to manifest, because the previous set of tests proved that distance does take more energy (no real surprise there). I could tell they thought it was an extra-serious test because Ista Chemie was very careful and particular about all the medical equipment being on-hand and ready for business.
They'd decided on 'my' building as the target location, Zee carefully describing the already-familiar furnishings. Imagining something and 'seeing' it are very different experiences for me, so I knew that it was working. All that detail. Seeing things using this Sight makes it go almost 'super-real': every tiny smudge stands out, and all the colours seem special.
Seeing Pandora was hard, though. Carrying a person on your back and trying to walk up a flight of stairs hard. My heart-rate skyrocketed, I started to breathe like a steam-train and my throat and chest felt hot, quickly followed by the familiar stabbing headache that tells me I'm pushing myself into new territory. Zee immediately told me to stop, and I lay still with my eyes shut until Ista Chemie's medications came into effect.
"Building growing extra rooms?" I asked, once I felt closer to human again. I'd almost thought I'd visualised the wrong place, because all the furniture had been cleared out and the walls seemed to be wrong.
"It's being expanded. Properly shielded quarters for Setari stationed at Pandora. And that confirms that you can reach over that kind of distance."
"Earth even farther away," I said, sighing.
"Very likely." She gave me an evaluating look, then nodded, apparently deciding I wasn't going to go experimenting with trying to see Earth any time soon. Not that I probably wouldn't try if they gave me a supply of extreme headache medicine. And I probably will, eventually, if they don't include it in my training and testing in the next couple of months. There are limits.
Not soon though. My head is still pounding underneath the blocking.
Friday, July 4
Somebody Wake Up
All morning in medical again – partially the inevitable brain scans, partially fooling with my legs, which are now encased in a different sort of bandage: a waterproof one I'm allowed to get wet, but not to soak, so no swimming or baths for the next couple of days.
I was eating a light lunch in the canteen when the captain of Tenth, Els Haral, slid onto the seat opposite, pulling Fourteenth's captain Kin Lara down beside him.
"It's against captainly protocols to gossip," Haral told me, smiling. "So we're not at all asking you whether it's true that Twelfth won some kind of ice environment combat exercise over all the other squads based on Muina."
"Squads gave me a snowball fight as a present, but is a game, not training," I said firmly. 'Ice environment combat exercise'. Seriously.
Lara, who had briefly looked less sleepy than usual when Haral pulled him into the seat, shook his head, then gave in. "Either way, Twelfth won? Over First and Fourth?"
"And Second, Third, and Kolar's First Squad. Zan picked smart strategy."
"How does the game work?"
Since they gave an impression of being pleased that Twelfth had won, but not in any way negative toward the other squads, I explained. So far as I can tell, First is considered the best close combat team, while Ruuel is probably the best individually, with Maze and Mara both considered almost equally dangerous. Not that I can get anyone to actually tell me that – but neither Haral nor Lara were the slightest bit surprised that Ruuel had won the second game.
It's nice to know that Zan has some allies among the other squads. I had the faintest suspicion that Haral was teasing Lara about Zan, so maybe he'd be more than an ally if Zan gave him a chance. They stayed and chatted to me. Interested in Kalasa of course, but Haral also had lots of questions about Earth: he wanted to know more about volcanos and the things that made Earth different from Muina. They're both very easy to talk to – more relaxed than a lot of the younger Setari – but eventually I had to go be tortured by Mara, who made me do something like Pilates or yoga. Lots of stretching myself and holding positions.
I spent that torture session turning over who Haral reminded me of, and finally worked it out. Not in looks, but that soft-spoken, laid-back thing he does is very similar to the Hicks character in
Aliens
.
Saturday, July 5
Size matters
No dangerous dreams last night, though I have some tangled memories that feel uncomfortable. I have noticed that my ability to tell who is nearby has expanded in range, and asked Zee how many Sights I might have: one or a hundred. Knowing where people are, and seeing coloured lights, and seeing things in the past and seeing fictional places, and seeing what's happening on another planet all seem like rather different things to me. The most she could tell me is that it seems to consistently be the same area of my brain, and that it might be similar to Place Sight, which can be used in a lot of different ways.
I'm glad I don't feel people's emotions when I touch them.
Today we measured the energy output required for me to see different sized things which were all roughly at the same distance. And then fictional as opposed to real things. It made me very tired, and I had a nap before a squad dinner in Ketzaren's rooms. She'd changed her wall display to a slideshow of images of Muina: snow and plains and mountains and streams and different forests and a wetland I hadn't seen before, amazingly full of birds.
First Squad was decompressing after their rotation earlier in the day, and it seems they are finding it a big mental and emotional adjustment to go from the work they'd been doing on Muina to the intensity of rotations, where they are only ever winning battles, and never the war. And it's getting harder. Twelfth isn't the only squad which has hit some bad rotations lately and been injured, mainly due to an increase of deep-space Ionoth. Maze said they're trying to decide between supplementing the existing squads with qualifying Kalrani, or simply having squads work in pairs. The whole reason the current squads are six members is because Ionoth, particularly deep-space Ionoth like swoops, are drawn to larger groups. If they're having to deal with them anyway, then larger groups may gain more than they cost.
Sunday, July 6
Mara is evil
Tired. Sore. Debating taking a sickie tomorrow.
Monday, July 7
All worked up over nothing
Lunch with Haral – Els – again. I guess I wasn't wrong, back when I tested with Tenth Squad, in thinking that maybe he liked me. My withdrawal that time must have just made him decide on a patient approach. He's not overloading me with compliments, but he's taking the opportunity of our lunch shift being at the same time to talk to me. No pressure, just chatting in a group with the rest of his squad, but I could tell he was into me.
So could his squad, judging by the wide-eyed glances a couple of them exchanged.
Els is a very cool and attractive guy and I like him. I can't decide what to think about the possibility of more. I'm definitely giving it a lot of thought, and my training session with Zee didn't go very well because I was distracted. But at least I discovered that if I think about two different things at once and don't concentrate on just the one location I can give myself a really magnificent headache.
I'm trying to decide whether to respond to Els, or avoid him, or just treat him like a friend and pretend I hadn't noticed any overtones of more. I do like him. I can easily imagine being with him. But how is it fair on Els to encourage him if I'm not sure I'd want to go through with it? When I wake up every morning totally focused on the absence of one very particular person? But I don't want to be that either, mooning hopelessly over someone who isn't a type of person I'd ever thought I'd like, is probably in a relationship with someone else, and has done his best to keep me at a distance.
Stupid. Stupid dilemma. I need to stop thinking about this.
Tuesday, July 8
Peering in the windows
Mara eased up on me a little today. She said she couldn't bear my expression of dread any longer. And I sat in on a First and Second Squad group training session – just watching – because Maze and Grif wanted to think more on Rotational dynamics with a doubled squad. Afterwards they actually took me out into the city for dinner, which is the first time for ages and probably only happened because two whole Setari squads is sufficient to not only block me from casual view but to daunt even the most enthusiastic gawker. I did notice that even on their home island the social politeness of people pretending not to recognise them as Setari when they're not in uniform has more or less fallen away, but we were still left to go to the fondue restaurant unharassed.
Nils, in an uncharacteristically non-flirtatious mood, talked to me a lot about the visualisations I've been doing and the difference between them and his illusions. There was an underlying current of concern behind all the conversation, but it was still a nice night.
Wednesday, July 9
Calooh! Callay!
Excellent, excellent day.
It started out routine, racking up another few hours in medical. I hesitated a bit before going to get lunch, still undecided on how I wanted to handle Els, but eventually figured that chatting over lunch could hardly hurt me. And then when I got to the canteen he was already with his squad at a full table, so I sat with Hasen and Henaz from Eighth, who were having breakfast. I'm finding it rare to go to the canteen and there not be someone around who wants to ask me all about some aspect of Muina.
Tenth Squad caught up with me as I was heading off to meet Zee and rather blatantly abandoned me with Els. They're finding the idea of him pursuing me tremendously entertaining, but he's good at not making it awkward. He told me how jealous they all were that Fourteenth has just been assigned to Muina, then asked me how my Sights and oddly real illusions training was going as we rode the elevator down to one of the main junctions. That's all no secret among the Setari now.
"The music from the Kalasa manifestation was particularly interesting," he said, as I headed for a connecting elevator. "A melody, instruments, revived for a moment from extinction. Can you do that with the music of your own world? Manifest how it sounds from memory?"
I stared at him, thinking through the possible differences in picturing something on Earth, and projecting something I remember, then said: "I don't know. But I'm certainly going to try."
He laughed. "I'm relieved I asked that just before you were heading to a monitored session."
I could only nod speechlessly, too excited for words as my lift came. "Thanks for the idea," I said, very glad I'd ended up talking to him, then spotted Third and Fourth getting off one of the opposite lifts and waved just before my doors shut. Fourteenth must be swapping out to relieve the senior exploration squads.