I've taken to wearing ordinary clothes instead of my uniform, but the temperature dropped enough outside today that I compromised and wore my uniform and my new jacket over the top. It's a parchment-shade fake leather thing with black strips around the edges and I've been working on drawing a pattern of flowers similar to Celtic knot work but looser which I'd seen on the main doors to Kalasa. It took me ages to map it out right using pencils, and my big nikko pen was running dry toward the end of me inking just the main part in, but I think it looks pretty good. Maze says it's a big improvement over pictures of experimental animals.
I was glad to realise today that I don't really have two whole squads (or a squad and a half) devoted purely to babysitting me. In between watching me sleep, First and now Twelfth have been assisting the exploration teams out harvesting specimens, and even with preparing areas for construction. They're really serious about this being the current capital of Muina. Pandora will eventually bracket the old town completely, although it's a long way from that right now.
No near-future plans to expand down to the stream with the otters, I'm glad to say.
Monday, June 23
Sleet
Ista Temen took my bandages off this morning so my legs could 'air'. The main difference is that nothing is oozing any more, but my skin is crinkled and seamed and the burned bits are silvery and feel extremely weird when I poke at them. Kiste, who was on morning shift with Dess Charn, said he's going to have to stop complaining about his elbow. That's exaggeration – his bones were crushed and before Twelfth came to Pandora he'd spent days having surgery on it and even with Taren nanotechnology it will be weeks before it's close to useable and probably months before he's fully recovered. I'm allowed to walk somewhat longer distances, and don't feel quite so much of a cripple any more. Not that I'm
happy
to have amazingly ugly legs. The cosmetic work will take a couple of months, because they're more interested in getting me healthy than making sure I look good in a dress.
Ista Temen has scaled back my pain meds all the way. She says she'll give me something if I need help sleeping, but that if I want to walk about I need to know when I've pushed it too far. I also have these mild stretching exercises I have to do – moving my feet and lower legs about while sitting down.
My babysitter shifts always have at least one girl (Dess Charn this morning, Zan this afternoon, Alay and Ketzaren this evening) and at least one person with Combat Sight. Now that I'm not so sleepy half the day, I feel less tolerant of having two people in constant attendance, but they at least are willing to chat and to not be in 'Ena-mode'. Not that Zan's not incredibly proper still, just not at full alert.
It rained all morning, this icy near-hail, and after it stopped everything froze. So I can walk, but I can also fall over really easily. Lohn and Mara are here now, and we're going to watch some movies and maybe play some of these virtual world interface games.
Tuesday, June 24
Resolution
A day for gabbing about sheep, and then other Earth farm animals with another of the greysuits. I always end up feeling amazingly ignorant of my own world in these conversations.
They've decided I'm recovered enough to risk me going back to Kalasa tomorrow. Not to play taxi or to have any dreams – they don't want me to attempt any dreams till I'm a little more recovered, not even training. Since I haven't been having
any
lucid dreams lately, and theoretically have enough control to wake myself up if I dream lucidly, I'm under orders to not push the development of my talents until further notice.
Tomorrow I'm assigned to First and Fourth to scout out which of the platforms go where. Fifteen buildings, fifteen platforms, but we've only discovered nine pattern-roof villages (and Arenrhon, which has its own platform). And when I was told about that my heart gave this huge thump and then I had to spend time reassuring Maze that no the idea didn't distress me at all.
Ever since the Kalasa dream, when I've woken up I haven't been aware of Ruuel's absence. I'd decided this was a positive sign, that I was accepting the big 'no' he hasn't had to say out loud, and have been very careful not to write about him, look at any logs involving him, or think about him if I could help it. If I did think about him, I'd very deliberately imagine him kissing Taarel, remind myself that he's made it absolutely clear he doesn't want to get close to me, and tell myself that I was so happy I was finally getting over him.
Such a lie.
I had an unplanned nap this afternoon and dreamed of Ruuel. He was standing alone in the dark – levitating just above the snow – watching the horizon. I could see him clearly, even though there didn't seem to be any lights, and his face was very still and peaceful.
I made myself wake up. It wasn't a projecting dream, but I'm not sure if the monitors would have picked up use of my Sight talent. And if I'd looked at him any longer I might have reached out and tried to touch him. I've decided I can want him as much as I want, but no more little lapses. Nothing which makes him have to deal with my feelings, or even think about them. But I'm not going to stop enjoying looking at him.
Wednesday, June 25
World Travel
An early start to today's 'explore the platforms' assignment, since we were trying to mesh together First Squad, Fourth Squad and me all being awake at different times. I wasn't too tired – I'd gone to bed early, woken up in the middle of the night and written in my diary, and slept fairly solidly till Zee woke me a while before Pandora dawn. It was very freezy outside, so I took my beanie, but opted against my jacket since I knew that at least the desert platform would make me wish I was wearing less not more.
I gather that on particularly stormy days the wind chill at Kalasa has been so icy that they increased the amount of nanoliquid going into the Setari uniforms to allow for extra insulation and for wearing of head coverings as well. Mara showed me the option for the head covering and I burst into laughter because instead of the balaclava I was expecting, it resembles cloth wound above and below the eyes and now they really do look like they're space ninjas. The nanosuits are really adaptable – they can even create goggles if they want.
Maze hauled along a half-dozen drones to place at each of the sites which didn't have a drone already, and set them in the central circle of Kalasa where Fourth Squad was waiting. Afternoon there, of course, and it looked like the snowstorms had let up, but Maze was being all mission-mode and efficient, so I didn't ask if I could go look outside at the construction.
"Along with placing drones, we'll be performing a short survey of each site, known and unknown. Blind entry protocol applies." Maze signalled us toward the first of the platform buildings.
Since Alay and Ketzaren were my minders for the day, I asked Ketzaren what blind entry protocol was and she explained that it was how the squads behave when going through gates in the Ena, except when everyone has to go through at once instead of waiting for the leaders to signal them through. With platform travel it meant that people without Combat Sight were positioned toward the centre, with the Combat Sight/speed talents distributed evenly around the edges. My problems with contact with too many people at once makes this a little awkward, but they worked it out by having Alay on the edge, the drone beside me, and Ketzaren on the inside. Levitation helps a lot with getting me on and off platforms without everyone having to edge out of my way.
We went anti-clockwise around the circle of platforms, and spent the day on a tour of very disparate parts of Muina. Six pattern-roof villages, one platform which didn't work, and two cities. The cities were a bit of a surprise. Neither of them were Nurioth, but the drones and satellites allowed us to pinpoint them easily enough and they turned out to be the two next-largest cities other than Nurioth. I particularly liked the first of the cities we went to, which meandered beneath this incredible forest of absolutely massive trees – redwood tall. It was by far the most ruined of all the sites, tree roots and trunks displacing what they hadn't shattered, and full of bird song and the chirring of insects.
Not much in the way of Ionoth, since these were all locations which 'anchored' Ddura, but a few native creatures like the border collies weren't very pleased to see us and snarled and grumbled but stopped short of attacking.
Since everyone was in official patrol mode, there wasn't much in the way of chatting or exclamations. The one exception was when we went to the desert location where I'd been stranded. It was painfully hot there, stifling in the sand-clogged platform room, and worse above. I could only be glad it hadn't been quite this bad when I'd been dragging trees about. I sensibly retracted the sleeves and neck of my uniform even before we'd climbed onto the platform at Kalasa, and Maze and Ruuel told their squads to follow my lead. Even so, the heat hit us like a hammer and everyone was dripping before we were even out in the sun. The squads still punctiliously did the same amount of surveying, though there was fortunately little to see except the blackened remains of my arrow, frayed around the edges where windblown sand had already started to swallow it.
"I just can't believe you did that in this heat," Lohn said, breaking out of professional mode as we paused to stare at charcoal and sand. "I feel like my
lungs
are cooking with every breath."
"Is hotter now," I said, shrugging so I could pretend I wasn't feeling tight-chested remembering. "And I waited till late afternoon. Worst bit was trying to start the fire beforehand." Although, really, I think the worst bit was when I got lost on the way back after lighting the arrow. There was just blackness everywhere until I turned around, and I felt so small and confused and overwhelmed.
"Enough for the day," Maze said, and took us back to the platform without another word. We immediately froze half to death from temperature difference and I was made to drink horrible fortifying drinks and have a medical exam. We'll finish the rest tomorrow. Everyone seems to be convinced I'm going to have screaming nightmares tonight, and I have Taarel and Sefen from Third as first shift babysitters.
I was very good about Ruuel, not self-indulgent or annoying in any way. I only properly looked at him when he spoke, which was exactly twice, and so long as he's not the person whose job it is to haul me about, I should be fine.
Thursday, June 26
Pieces of Sphinx
I did have nightmares last night, but they were nightmare nightmares – no projection involved in real-space or the Ena, and none of the certainty of awareness which is my completely unpredictable Sight talent. I dreamed I was lost in a dark maze, and the only door I could find was being held shut from the other side. Taarel woke me up, her hand on my forehead, but didn't push me to tell her what I'd been dreaming.
It snowed like crazy overnight, and Pandora looked spectacular in the morning, mounded with fluffy brand-new snow. Eeli loved it, even though she'd already been dealing with the snow out at Kalasa. I swear if Maze hadn't come down to collect us she would have romped through it like a puppy. It snowed all day, so that when we came back it was piled up against the door of my building. Everyone in Pandora is learning things about snow and the one we learned today was that we really need something to wipe or scrape the snow off in the airlock part of the door rather than track it into the corridor or the inner rooms, where it promptly melts into chilly puddles.
The last few platforms brought no surprises – just pattern-roof towns. And no Arenrhon, even though there's a platform there. They're not sure if the non-working platform is meant to link there, or if it's possible that Arenrhon is on a different 'network'. All but one of the Ddura 'recognised' us, which suggests that there's maybe five Ddura altogether, each patrolling three platforms. That's the current theory, anyway.
We had lunch at Kalasa, along with Squad One and Second Squad – a great big group of us sitting in the central circle using some of the rubble as chairs. The captains went off with the senior bluesuit, Tsen Sloe, and Islen Duffen and Islen Tezart, who have been transferred to Kalasa from Arenrhon. Everyone else 'talked shop' about the Ionoth they'd been encountering on the island, and also back on their respective planets. This thrilled me so much I fell asleep and dreamed of interesting lights again. Everywhere. I was trying to work out if there was any rhyme or reason when Nalaz pointed out to everyone that I was asleep and Mara reached to wake me up.
"No, wait," I said, which didn't work, but I tried again and got the "Wait" to be audible and Mara stopped with her hand on my shoulder. I knew they'd consult the captains, so busily kept looking about and was ready for them when all four captains set down in front of me.
I considered staying asleep and projecting again, but it felt like using a pulled muscle, so I woke myself up instead, blinked, and said: "Sorry, really hard to stay awake after drinking those fortifier things. Was seeing those lights again. It's–" I paused, struggling with the magnitude of what I wanted to describe. "Don't think I can describe that properly, but did see that circular building sends out pulses occasionally and everything seems to answer it." I pointed toward a building halfway up the opposite slope, then rubbed my temple irritably. "Think I haven't been projecting in my sleep lately because I can't. It's like that bit of me is too tired."
Maze shifted from a faint frown to the abstract expression of someone looking things up over the interface. "Only a preliminary view there," he said, and glanced at Ruuel, who immediately signalled his squad and went for a look. Maze, Grif and Shaf sat down and Maze said: "Even a bad description is a start." He brought all the squads into a mission channel, along with the three senior officers the captains had been talking to.