"You were able to break out of this dream, though," Maze pointed out. "You've consistently broken out of every dream since your dream of the insect creatures in your room, yes?"
I glanced down at my legs, which are very decoratively encased in varying thicknesses of blueish nanocloth.
"There's no way to guarantee you won't do more damage," Ruuel said straightforwardly. "The daily exercises have obviously helped, but now that you've reached the point of being capable of killing yourself or another, the next week will be critical. You're unlikely to have another occurrence tonight. Tomorrow we'll arrange for quarters which put you at a safer distance from other personnel. It's also unlikely we'll go ahead with the planned entry of Kalasa, but expect training if your condition allows. Ista Kyle will sedate you tonight."
He glanced at Maze, nodded at me (or Mara) and left. Though he only went as far as the next room, which is something I wouldn't have known a couple of months ago. Maze looked at me through narrowed eyes, told me Mara would stay with me for the rest of the night, and then went and lurked about the next room as well.
"Ruuel take courses in psychology?" I asked Mara.
"All captain candidates study psychology," Mara said. "I take it he's right in telling us you find it easier to handle issues if we don't downplay them?"
"If I think you're holding back, have to try and guess what you're not telling me," I said. "Got a good imagination."
One of the greysuits came in, asked me a couple of questions about my pain level and shot me full of sedative, which hit me like a cotton-wool tank, but Mara obligingly continued to let me use her as a pillow, at least until I passed out. After that she shifted to the chair by the bed but kept hold of my hand.
I slept most of the day. Ruuel must have decided I wasn't up to training, since I haven't seen him so far. Lots of visitors from the squads, though, and Isten Notra came to see me and left Shon to fill my ears with his thoughts about animals and snow and Kalasa. He's loving it here. I don't think he knows precisely how I was injured – he didn't ask, anyway. I feel vaguely guilty about all those very eager greysuits desperate to get back into Kalasa today and not able to.
Whenever the pain meds wear off my legs tell me that I did a lot of damage. I can walk to the ensuite, but Maze came in while I was creeping back to my bed and gave me a lecture about not asking for help. Then he took me to my new room, in a small building near the lake which either I didn't spot before or they created and outfitted specifically for me overnight. It's crammed full of scanners, and will be a combination of living quarters and test area for me.
Saturday, June 14
Don't shoot the messenger
Back to Kalasa today. Instead of working the entire day as a taxi, they had me bring through everyone in the morning, then took me back to my room to rest. Since the platform won't work if I'm just levitating above it, Par carried me the entire time, very romantically in his arms and rather pink around the ears. Even with that my legs started throbbing, and I was glad to lie down again and get another dose of painkiller. I swear Mum wouldn't be impressed with the amount of drugs I get through. I'm more injured than I properly understood at first – the wounds were deep, and the burns I think would be classed as second-degree. The painkillers they give me are really effective at blocking out what it feels like, but they're deliberately short-term doses so that the greysuits can assess my condition, and when I'm not quite fully medicated I feel awful. Plus they keep giving me restoratives and fortifiers: horrible drinks and injections which really do help with healing, but also leave me absolutely exhausted. It's annoying because I go through good patches and want to move about and feel almost normal, and then I completely run out of steam. Maze made me promise to not try and walk any more, and I've learned my lesson from that already, since that one stumbling trip to the bathroom made the medics re-do all my weird nanotech bandaging and
lower
my pain medication so that I can feel that I'm hurting myself when I walk. I hate having to be carried to the bathroom. Hate catheters more, though.
After playing taxi, I slept the rest of the morning. 'Normal' dreams, fragmentary and not quite logical, and I felt really quite good when I woke up just before lunch. The temperature had risen, and I talked Ista Temen – the greysuit on shift – into letting Par set up a chair and footrest outside so I could look at the view. It was a beautiful day – extremely blue sky, no wind, and the chill gone out of the air. The thin patches of snow which had formed all melted, and the lake looked amazing.
Since Par's slightly more inclined to talk if you get him alone, I asked him about his impressions of Kalasa and wasn't surprised to find that his feelings were mixed. "I'm glad to have seen it," he said. "But it makes me angry. And proud. And ashamed."
"Do you think the solution will be there?"
He shook his head, then added reluctantly: "If they had known the spaces would be shattered, they wouldn't have done it." And didn't add the 'would they?' he was obviously thinking. I wish I could talk to people about what was in the Nuran's book, but it's still being kept very quiet. I also wish I knew if Inisar had followed me to Muina. He's obviously capable of it, but avoiding the Ddura might pose him some difficulties.
The
Litara
arrived then, giving me the usual huge kick out of watching it settle on the lake. I always imagine Jules' reaction, and wish I could at least send postcards. Send Mum a happy snap or two of me relaxing on the shore of a lake on an alien world, watching a spaceship land and, as it turned out, a bunch of psychic space ninjas arriving. Squad One, who had returned briefly to Kolar while their Second Squad represented Kolar on Muina, but now were on Muina shift again. They flew directly from the
Litara
toward the command centre, and must have seen me wave to them since after they'd reported in or dropped off their luggage or whatever they were doing they all came back to say hello. When she found I couldn't stand up Katzyen, being the get-things-done person she is, relocated a bunch of rocks from the very edge of the lake to make a circle of stony seats so that they could stop looming over me. So now I have my own outdoor entertainment area.
"We heard you'd been injured again," Taranza said, eyeing my propped-up legs. I was wearing my uniform for warmth, and the bandaging makes me look like I have double-sized ankles.
"And couldn't find out how," Katzyen added, up-front as usual. "Most anyone would say is an accident in medical."
"I did to myself," I said. "Been developing talent which keep using accidentally when I'm sleeping. Set sheet alight. Really embarrassing."
That usefully kept to the truth and let them assume I was developing a fire talent instead of illusions-which-feel-real or whatever. Squad One asked me about the first time I'd ended up in Kalasa – they don't get access to the Taren Setari mission logs usually, but KOTIS had given them extracts – and they fetched down lunch and we had a bit of a picnic and talked about swimming, which is not a skill found on Kolar, and about Kalasa and Earth, and speculated on what it was that gave only me a security pass to Kalasa.
Katzyen challenged Par to a stone skipping competition, and the rest of Squad One except Shaf and Nalaz joined in. I was wondering if it would be possible to throw stones while Par levitated me when Shaf said: "I've been asked to speak to you on behalf of the government of Kolar."
I pretty much guessed what it would be, and didn't want to go there. But I couldn't think of anything to say to stop him, other than a wild temptation to make a crack about rescuing me from evil and misguided Tarens.
"The government of Kolar would like to extend to you an invitation to aid Kolar's Setari in the planet's defence," Shaf said, his voice quiet and even, his eyes meeting mine very directly. But his tanned cheeks were darker than normal and grew darker still as he went on to talk about what I'd get in return.
He stopped, and there was this awkward little silence where I was working not to gape at him. I could see Nalaz just past him, gazing fiercely out over the lake, rigidly upright. Then I felt incredibly sorry for them both, and said: "You look so mortified."
Shaf dropped his eyes, but Nalaz turned his head toward us and I think he was liking me for saying that.
"Wouldn't this mess up the alliance between Tare and Kolar?"
"Strain it," Shaf said. "But they can't dictate where you choose to live. Not without changing their own laws. And Kolar is suffering badly from attacks by larger Ionoth."
"Can you record an answer to give to the government of Kolar?" I asked, and Shaf nodded. I'm sure he was logging the conversation anyway.
"Okay." I sometimes forget and use English words – things like 'okay' and 'hi' – often enough that a lot of people here now know what I mean. "So, money first. There's nothing for me to spend it on. Everything I could be bribed with is on Earth, and it's not like I have to pay rent. Second, Taren Setari rescued me. If they hadn't, I'd be here alone figuring out how to survive Winter. I'm not going to forget that. Third, Kolar, while it's probably more like my own world than Tare is, has legal cloning. I know Tarens have lots of arguments about me being irreplaceable, but I think so far they're keeping to their laws about cloning. Tarens having enough trouble stopping me from falling apart mentally as it is, without risking me getting all worked up thinking they're cloning me. On Kolar...I wouldn't be as sure. Would probably enjoy visiting Kolar one day when whole problem with gates tearing everywhere is fixed, but fixing the gates is what I'm theoretically helping with now, and that will solve problem for both worlds. And I'm – I'm not for
sale
."
Something of my feelings came through in that, and I shook my head and added: "That's it."
Shaf gave me a strained smile. "Thank you."
"Pretend we didn't have this conversation," I said, and proceeded to do so. Which was easy enough since Ista Temen showed up and gave me another load of injections and I suddenly needed a nanna nap. Thankfully. That was without a doubt the most embarrassing conversation I've ever had.
But when I woke up – a little before I was due to go and play taxi again – I sent an email to Isten Notra attaching the log. I did think long and hard about not telling anyone at all, but it was within the bounds of possibility that the Kolaren government might not drop the subject. Besides, I'm convinced Ruuel would be able to
tell
.
Isten Notra opened a channel. "I needn't warn you that this is something you will not discuss."
"Is Kolar's situation really that bad?" I hadn't been paying a great deal of attention to the news just recently.
"They've been hard-pressed these last few weeks, taking significant losses. Kolar has not officially requested...borrowing you, but a great deal of interest was generated by the battle with the Array massive. I am going to order increased security for you, Caszandra."
"Figured. Can it be for only when I'm out of main KOTIS facility?"
She agreed to this readily enough, and asked me how I was feeling and said that we'd be heading back into Kalasa a little earlier than planned because she couldn't resist going to look and had finally bullied all the people telling her how unwise that would be into submission. They really aren't at all keen on Isten Notra risking herself, since her understanding of the Ena is one of the things they're counting on to find a solution to the fracturing spaces. I think Isten Notra and Inisar should sit down to chat.
The temperature had dropped by the time we headed for Kalasa, and I was pleased that Isten Notra was wearing her beanie. Shon and her secretary were along, of course, and she had arranged for Squad One to come as well, and peppered Shaf with questions, giving no hint that she knew the Kolarens had tried to buy me. I'm not sure if she's even going to tell the squad captains.
It was night all the way on the other side of the world, though soon to be dawn. Glade came down to join Par in walking about with me, and I could see he was brimming over with enthusiasm and excitement. I couldn't really blame him – Kalasa is a fairy castle of a city, cracked around the edges, but gloriously spectacular. On the far side of the shield it was snowing madly, giving a reverse snow dome atmosphere, and all the walls were glowing. A few more ordinary lights had been installed at points of particular activity, but in the context they looked as strange and unreal as all the rest of it. But the city feels more 'claimed' now and doesn't immediately conjure up nightmare memories. Or maybe it was that I was resting against Par's chest most of the time – he's a very comforting guy.
All three Taren Setari squads gathered together, greeting Squad One with nods, and Maze gave a concise report of progress so far. They've found what seems to be a library/training academy, which they're all very excited about, though they haven't done more than stare from the door since the contents seem inclined to fall apart at a glance. The shield has protected the contents of the city, but it hasn't magically preserved them.
The building with the malachite marble has been very rigorously sealed – and the drones stationed there indicate that the Cruzatch did make an attempt to return the previous day. The city is in part still functional, at least with whatever was making the water in my bathroom warm, and there's so much 'everyday' information about the Lantarens that the greysuits are in ecstasy. The Setari have been doing a preliminary evaluation and map of the site, which is taking a lot of time. Maze didn't actually call the place "freakin' huge" but Lohn's expression did. As I'd learned first time out, there's a lot of sub-surface structure.
The shielding makes the one around Arenrhon pale by comparison. It isn't controlled by the malachite marble, and is giving the greysuits something to argue about, since turning it off would leave the city exposed to the Winter storms. But they'd found a door. And wanted to poke me at it, of course. It was situated about halfway up the valley, at a point where two of the mountains came together, and was damn big, obviously designed to impress new arrivals, and gorgeously covered in carvings of leaves and vines and trees and water and animals peeping through, but no godlike people.