After that it was all very dramatic, with kitten-me being run through a number of near escapes by a superbly competent Setari captain. Who, when I got around to thanking him for rescuing me, told me I was too useful a tool to waste. Kitten-me's face went all crumpled at that one.
I'd wondered how they'd deal with Ruuel falling to his knees after enhancing his Sights, since that vulnerable moment didn't match with Lastier's arrogance at all, but they'd just removed that part altogether. Lastier enhanced after spotting the Ddura, went very still, then practically dragged kitten-me up the platforms – by the wrist not the hand.
A whole heap was made of the Pillar – a lot of the entire series has been about Pillar-chasing. After that, it was almost exact, with Lastier stabilising gates, finally reaching KOTIS. And calling me 'the stray'.
Maze, who had been watching my reactions as the show finished up, was probably a bit surprised when I asked: "Why is everyone weird about Zan being a captain?"
He hesitated before replying, then said: "Combat Sight. Namara is the only captain without it, but is ably demonstrating that the role is not about being the best fighter on a squad."
"Zan linked with main character now – Twelfth likely to come out of this better than Fourth, but don't think she enjoys it. What was scene you had removed?"
Maze grimaced, then showed me a final scene of kitten-me alone in medical, inspecting a circle of dark bruises around her wrist. Ironic, since it looked a lot like the bruises Ruuel
had
given me, when the Ddura was attacking at Pandora.
"They're going to run into trouble if continue to stick to my story," I said. "Ruuel save my life more than once."
"It's an infuriating situation," Maze said. "But controllable since your relationship with Fourth is solid. I do need to ask if your mother truly warned you against Ruuel."
"She just ask if he friend or enemy," I said. My face was hot, but I think I wasn't giving too much away. I've been so careful to keep my opinion of Ruuel to myself – not only because it's so worshipful, but because it's hard to explain. It's not like I think he's perfect. Or even necessarily a generally nice person. Half the reason
The Hidden War
is able to make him into such a grey character is because he's left himself open to being interpreted that way.
Wanting to change the subject I added: "If producers run out of plot ideas, suggest to them on my behalf that they do episode about me being really upset when someone steals my personal file and makes entertainment from it."
After that Maze went with me and Zee to Keszen Point, where we repeated the first tests I did with Zee, to see how they go now I'm manifesting. I had to do each one twice, and the first time not manifest but only visualise, and the second time manifesting. And I'm more or less able to do that. I've got to try and separate out manifesting things in real-space and manifesting things in near-space, which I can't really differentiate between. But it was a good session, tiring, but with less headaches involved.
Maze and Zee were both pleased with the progress I'm making, but had me return to my room before letting me conjure any more Earth images. Which works for me, since I prefer them not to be in the official test logs anyway, and it saves being carted about unconscious. I showed them bits of Sydney, places I miss. Beach, park, the back yard of our house, my bedroom.
I fell asleep after that one, very appropriate. The next episode of
The Hidden War
airs soon, and I'm contemplating trying to be asleep when it does. Maze said Ruuel would be given the episode in advance, so he'll know what's coming. I bet he thinks the energy he has to spend dealing with it a complete waste.
I'm refusing to let myself feel guilty about any of this.
Saturday, July 12
Lastier Fan Club
I hadn't managed to get back to sleep by the time
The Hidden War
aired, and wasn't the least bit surprised when I had a channel request from Mori during the first ad break. Wanting to get it over with, I accepted, and was surprised to find Sonn and Halla in the channel along with the usual
The Hidden War
club.
"My Mum asked if he was friend or enemy," I said, before Mori could even ask. "Maze ask me same thing at lunch."
Glade, after a pause, laughed. "Not often I hear you sounding so impatient, Caszandra."
"Tired of program," I said. "Bad enough steal my life, but would have thought story dramatic enough without messing people about. Is not worth getting angry over, I know, since everyone here seen mission report and know not true, but still very annoying."
"I can't say I'm enjoying watching any more," Mori said. "And yet, not watching and not knowing what's being shown is worse."
"Yes, very much," I said. "Not looking forward to next week, since probably about all the horrid things I said to Maze when I was in medical."
Since I'd already seen the episode, I told them goodnight and dropped out of channel, hoping the last comment would distract them. There was a lot of things I'd thought about saying, but since I'd basically rather not discuss Ruuel with anyone, it had seemed best to keep my reaction brief and very definite.
None of this is enough to bring down my Earth-projections high, but it's irritating.
Merger
Running around the stairs all morning with Mara. Just when I thought I was getting half-way non-pathetic, she shows me how far I have to go. And thinks it's funny.
After lunch both First and Fourth were using the weights room. I do NOT need to see Ruuel working out. Way too distracting, and I'm in this tedious bind where I can't be too obviously seen to be not looking at him, yet really don't want to be caught looking at him.
He had huge circles under his eyes, black and bruised, as if he hadn't slept for days. From the way his squad were keeping an eye on him, they'd reached the point of being really worried, and I had to wonder, from the look Maze gave him, whether a tired Sight talent might be forbidden from going on rotation. He'd hate that.
Toward the end of the session there was a notice to all the Setari about the new paired squad assignments. Twelfth and Fourteenth, both out on Muina. Fifth and Seventh, which I thought highly appropriate. Most relevant to me was First and Fourth, probably because I'd nominated them as my two favourite squads, which I guess was a huge mistake in terms of Ruuel-avoidance.
Fourth put a good face on it, but as I chatted with Glade, Mori and Par afterwards I realised they weren't pleased. We were talking about my legs, and at first I thought it was trying to be delicate about the hideous scars which was making them strange. But it's because the merger makes them the junior squad on all rotations. I think they felt it was a demotion.
Ruuel didn't come near me at all. The last time we spoke was when he dropped a snowball on my face, if you could call that talking. He and Maze said a few short things when the announcement was made, and he was his usual detached self, and I've spent all my time since then worrying about why he wasn't sleeping and what would happen if Fourth were forbidden from going on rotation.
Before the announcement, I'd been thinking of asking at least Mori back to my room to show her some things I'd been trying to explain about Earth, but in the end I just went with Mara, and told her she wasn't allowed to log this projection, and then conjured the video of my last big family holiday. I mainly wanted to see myself, before all this happened. I looked short, weirdly, even though I'm sure I haven't gotten taller.
Mara wisely didn't comment, just gave me a blanket and told me to do some light swimming tomorrow while First and Fourth were off on their first joint mission. I slept very solidly for an hour or so, but then went into this constant nightmare cycle. It's a good sign, really, since they're 'real' nightmares and I recognise them pretty much immediately and can wake myself up. And forcing myself awake isn't giving me as much of a headache any more. But I just want to sleep and not
think
.
Going to go up to the roof. The weather doesn't look great, but not impossible. Maybe the Nuran will show up and distract me.
Sunday, July 13
Speechless
The weather was dreadful. So windy it was hard to stay upright, with occasional drops of rain driven so fast they stung. I was glad of that, though, since gale-force wind makes it hard to think of anything but gale-force wind. I stayed on the roof until it felt like everything had been blown out of my head, then headed back to Setari quarters.
One level down on the final elevator, Ruuel got on as well, still showing little sign of sleep. I hadn't been paying any attention, so when the door opened, I felt my eyes widen at the sight of him, and looked down guiltily. And then felt such an idiot for my reaction that I asked if having two squads together would change the way the rotations worked, or just make them quicker.
"Where the threat is low, we're likely to work in adjoining spaces, with First clearing ahead while we evaluate gates. That will lessen the chance of attracting deep space Ionoth."
He'd sounded unconcerned, but narrowed his eyes, studying me. Then lifted one hand and pressed the back of it to my cheek. Very warm against my wind-chilled skin, and no gloves.
"The goal is to increase your general health," he said, sounding beyond annoyed, suddenly and inexplicably angry. "You're at least capable of judging the kind of weather not to sit outside in."
I couldn't understand what I'd done to make him lose his temper, and though he'd taken his hand away he loomed over me in a way which was almost threatening, making me wish I could back up. And that made me angry in return, so I asked in almost as annoyed a voice as his: "Too valuable be allowed do any living?"
He was very close – so near that I could see the difference between the pupil and iris in his black on black eyes. I'd never seen him less like himself, drawn and tired and glaring at me like I'd done something wrong just by being there. He only had to lower his head to kiss me, bruised my mouth while I stood too shocked to respond, and crowded me into the wall when I started to kiss him back. Every movement shouting anger.
Lifts move inconveniently quickly, and the doors opened on the floor for Third and Fourth's quarters. There was no-one in the corridor, a circumstance for which I am eternally grateful, but Ruuel still stopped kissing me, leaning his forehead against the wall beside my head.
"You've no idea how little I want this," he said, barely audible and not exactly the most encouraging thing he could have said. He sounded furious.
"Actions not match words," was all I could manage, very aware that he hadn't moved away from me, that his heartbeat was as loud to me as my own, that he was so angry.
He let out his breath, more exasperation than amusement, then turned his head just enough to be talking directly into my ear. "You need to be very certain you want this."
The lift doors opened on First and Second's floor, but I was struggling with what he'd said, and resenting the way he'd said it. I'm still not sure if he was doing his best to make me storm off, or was just at the end of his tether. Since he'd never given me any sign that there was a tether in the first place, I was having to adjust a lot of ideas to even begin to answer him.
"What is certain?" I asked, very aware of the way one of his hands had tightened on my arm. "Haven't even ever really talked. Only know that every day, first I know on waking, is that you're not there. I hate it when you're not there."
It was a pathetically scrambled reason, and when he drew back I was sure that I'd chosen exactly the wrong moment to be honest. He wasn't wearing a very promising expression, either, very closed, with that haughtiness which was part temper and part born, I think, out of knowing so much about people. But his hand slid down my arm, and caught mine, and he turned and walked out of the lift, trailing me along behind him into my quarters, into my bedroom.
I was practically having kittens by the time he let go and turned and looked at me, because, seriously, he'd been pushing me away for so long, and now we were jumping straight to sex? Right after he told me he really didn't want to? Not exactly the stuff of romance.
But whatever else, good or bad idea, I wanted him. More than anything. So I followed his lead when he withdrew his nanosuit and took off the uniform harness. Standing in my underwear with Kaoren Ruuel was in a whole different league to Sean J and the two awkward times in the caravan in his parents' backyard. For one thing Sean and I spent a lot of time laughing at our mutual embarrassment, and Sean didn't look one tenth so grim. Nor did he shake just because he touched my hand.
My diligent research with
Super Sight Six
had warned me that sex for a Place Sight talent can be more than a little complicated. Not only is it depressingly clear if your partner isn't really into it, but what they're feeling can ramp everything up until it becomes overwhelming. Ruuel would have had a full serving of my reaction in the lift, and the emotional equivalent of omgwtfomgwtf! had probably reached the point of !!!!!!!!!!!1!!1!! by then. He paused, just standing with our hands linked, down by our sides, and took a few more breaths before lowering his head and kissing me. But at least he'd stopped looking like he was heading for an execution, was intent and concentrated. It calmed me down a few exclamation marks, and we leaned into each other and let it just be kissing for a while.
I let go of his hands first, because I wanted to put my arms around him, and he responded by unhooking my bra. I have no memory of moving to the bed, but we got there soon after. I suppose I should be glad Ruuel doesn't try to be as super-quick and efficient about sex as he is with testing, but he drove me completely insane touching and then pausing to gauge my reaction. We were both breathing like sprinters by the time he stopped being able to be slow and exploratory, and I can actually see the moment on my log because he opened his eyes properly, then shut them altogether for a second. That was around the point I gave up adding exclamation marks, and fuzzed out into white noise.