Tomorrow she’d go to the campus bookstore and get the perfect little album to contain these photos, and then she’d have something really special to present to Grandmother for Christmas. Of course, she’d still need to find something for Jimmy and his family, and Aunt Hattie too. But that might prove fun. She’d never had many relatives to buy presents for in the past. And she’d already sent her father his gift weeks ago to ensure its arrival. She’d carefully packed a box with some of the local foods, like raspberry jam and Starbucks coffee, things he had mentioned missing. And on top she’d tucked in a video Brianna had made of her before Christmas break. There were shots of her in their messy dorm room and around and about on campus. Christine knew her father would probably love the video even more than the food.
Finally Christine went to bed. She knew that tomorrow would be a demanding day. Felicity would probably have more lists, twice as long as tonight’s, for her. But even so, she had a hard time going to sleep. She prayed for her father and then her grandmother and then everyone else she could think of, and finally, after what seemed hours, she drifted to sleep.
14
At last Esther’s house was quiet. Felicity must’ve finally given up on her infernal decorating and gone home, and it sounded like Hattie had finally decided to call it a night too. Oh, why in the world had she ever agreed to let Hattie be her houseguest? It was bad enough that Felicity had insisted on having her ridiculous party here, but Esther was beginning to think that her family was trying to torture her. Just how much could an old woman take?
Knowing that sleep would be avoiding her, Esther pushed herself up into a sitting position on her bed and turned on her bedside light. Thankfully, Christine had left the crutches propped within reach. At least someone seemed to be looking out for her interests. That was something. She struggled to put on her robe, then slowly made her way out into the living room.
“Good heavens!” she exclaimed, then instantly regretted it, since Hattie was sleeping in the room down the hall. All these decorations for a little Christmas party! What went on in Felicity’s brain was a total mystery to Esther. Greenery and ribbons and baubles and bangles and every possible Christmas trinket were draped and hung from every pillar and post. She shook her head. Leave it to Felicity to try to take this thing right over the top. Of course, she’d assured her stressed-out daughter-in-law that everything was perfectly fine and that she should go right along with the party as planned, but she’d secretly hoped that Felicity would think better of it, especially considering the circumstances. Or at least tone down her plans a bit. But, no, Felicity was a headstrong young woman, and she seemed bound and determined to have the party of the year despite how her mother-in-law felt.
Esther went over to her desk. Even it was adorned with candles and greenery, and to her dismay the photograph of Lenore was nowhere to be seen. She checked in the bottom drawer, but it wasn’t there either. Frustrated and feeling like a hostage in her own home, which had suddenly turned into Santa’s Village, she flopped down in her desk chair, almost causing it to tumble. Well, it might just serve them right if she toppled right over and broke her neck. How would that make Felicity feel? Esther suspected that she’d probably go ahead and host the party without her.
Esther leaned back and tried to remember Lenore’s face. Her big, brown eyes, so similar to Christine’s, her sweet features. Oh, she’d been such a pretty girl. Perhaps that was what had gotten her into trouble in the first place. Naturally, the boys would be attracted to someone like her. Why hadn’t Esther thought to warn her daughter? Why had she saved her motherly counsel until it was too late?
Esther still remembered that hot confrontation, almost as if it had happened today.
“How could you do this to me?” she’d demanded of her daughter all those years ago. It was only a week before high school graduation, and she’d just taken Lenore to the doctor and learned the news that her eighteen-year-old daughter was pregnant.
“To
you
?” Lenore had looked indignant as she slumped down in the passenger seat, arms folded tightly across her chest as if she wanted to shut out the entire world. “What about
me
, Mom? What about
my
life?”
“You should’ve considered that a few months ago,” Esther had shot back at her. “I guess we should just be thankful that you’re not showing yet. You can simply graduate as planned, and then we’ll tell everyone you’re going to tour Europe as a graduation gift.” She’d laughed. “But we’ll send you out to stay with Aunt Hattie instead. And that way you can just quietly get rid of it out there. No one will be the wiser. And, hopefully, you’ll have learned your lesson by the time you get home.”
“Get rid of it?” Lenore’s expression had been horrified.
“Well, you know what I mean. You’ll have an abortion, Lenore. Girls do it all the time. And it’s perfectly legal where Aunt Hattie lives. I’m sure she might even know of a good doctor, since her late husband was a physician, you know. It’s really quite simple.”
“Quite simple?” Lenore had firmly shaken her head. “It might sound quite simple to you, Mother.” Lenore called her
Mother
only when she was very angry. “But I refuse to kill another human being just to make my life more comfortable.”
“It’s not a human being,” Esther had assured her daughter. “It’s just fetal tissue. And it’s easily disposed of.”
“Disposed of?” Lenore’s voice had gotten louder, and Esther had been thankful to be in the car. “Look, Mother,” she’d told her, “I am not the least bit happy to know that I’m pregnant, but like it or not there’s another human life involved now. And I am
not
going to just kill it to make everyone feel better.” She’d started crying then, turning away from her mother and facing the passenger door. “I couldn’t live with myself . . .”
Well, she should’ve known her daughter might pull something like this. After all, this was the girl who couldn’t bear to kill a spider even when it was in the house. No, she would go find a cup, gently scoop it up, then transport it outside to its freedom. This was the girl who had rescued a fallen baby bird and climbed the tree to return it to its nest, nearly breaking her own neck in the process.
“I know this is hard for you, Lenore.” Esther had decided to try a more gentle approach. “But maybe you should just trust me with the details for now. Perhaps I can go with you to Aunt Hattie’s. We can make it a fun trip if you like. We’ll do some shopping and – ”
“No.” Lenore’s normally soft chin had become firm. “I am not going to kill my baby and then go out shopping as my reward. It’s just not going to happen, Mom. I don’t want to discuss it anymore.”
Naturally, Esther hadn’t given up. The very next day, she’d stopped by the Planned Parenthood office on campus. She’d discreetly worn dark glasses and had a scarf over her head as she picked up some brochures that explained the simple abortion procedure. She’d left these on the dresser in Lenore’s room. Just a subtle hint. And it wouldn’t hurt Lenore to read the facts about this simple procedure. She’d even called Hattie and, trusting her sister-in-law’s discretion, told her the whole story. Of course, Hattie had been shocked and dismayed to learn of her niece’s “promiscuous” behavior, as she had put it, but she’d also promised to keep Lenore at her home as long as needed.
The week before graduation had passed slowly, and Esther had felt that she and Lenore were playing some sort of game as they prepared for and attended various graduation events, both of them pretending that nothing whatsoever was wrong. Naturally, James had been absolutely no help. But then Lenore wasn’t his daughter, and Esther had assumed that he was blaming her for her daughter’s downfall. As a result, he’d barely spoken to either of them after he’d learned the embarrassing news. And then he’d taken off unexpectedly with the baseball coach to scout some young man with a “fastball in Peoria.” He hadn’t even attended Lenore’s graduation. But that hadn’t been such a surprise, considering his stepdaughter’s wayward behavior. Esther hadn’t held it against him.
It was a couple of days after graduation that the fireworks came out again. Esther had worked it out to take Lenore to Hattie’s. They would fly out together the following week on the pretense of a little European vacation. She’d already been telling her friends that this was a plan to surprise her daughter. By the time the two of them returned later in the summer, no one in town would be the wiser. Even James had agreed that it was a good solution to an embarrassing situation. After all, he did have his image to protect.
But when she’d come home from the travel agent’s office, airline tickets in hand, she’d discovered Lenore and James engaged in a horrible argument.
“You’re a monster!” Lenore had screamed at her stepfather. “You should be thrown into prison and – ”
“Listen to reason,” he’d said in a loud voice. “You’re acting completely foolish, Lenore. Your mother is only trying to help – ”
“Help me murder a poor unborn baby?” she’d yelled back. “Clean up this unfortunate mess so the important Dr. Daniels can get back to his life without anyone knowing – ”
“Lenore!” Esther had stormed in and scolded her daughter. “How dare you speak to your stepfather in that voice? Apologize to him at once.”
But Lenore had turned and glared at her mother. It was an expression Esther had never seen on her daughter’s face before, and one that would be forever etched in her memory.
“Apologize to him?” Lenore had shrieked. “That horrible monster should be apologizing to me.”
“Lenore!” Esther had been completely shocked.
“That’s right, Mother!” Lenore had held up her hands. “Go ahead. Take his side. I knew you would.” Then she’d stormed off to her room and slammed the door.
Esther had apologized profusely to James, trying to explain how hormones could set a pregnant woman off, assuring him that everything would be okay once she got Lenore off to Hattie’s.
But Lenore was gone the next morning. Naturally, Esther had assumed that she’d be back in time to fly out to Hattie’s. After she’d had time to cool off a bit and think things through. She’d return to her mother, sorry and contrite and ready to go take care of this unfortunate business. But the following week passed, and then summer passed, and Lenore never came home.
“She’s eighteen going on nineteen,” James had reassured Esther when she’d suggested they declare her a missing person. “She doesn’t have to come home if she doesn’t want to. Maybe it’s better like this, Esther. Maybe she needs to deal with this in her own way. You know she’ll come back in time, when she’s ready.”
And Esther had listened to him and believed him. But one year followed the next, and Lenore never came home. At one point Esther had even considered hiring a private detective to search for her daughter, but by then pride and bitterness had begun to set in, and she’d decided to see who had more staying power – her or her daughter?
She sighed and leaned back in her desk chair. Now it was too late. Lenore was never coming home again. Death had separated them forever.
“Would you have returned, Lenore?” Esther asked the question aloud. “Would you have come back home to me if you had lived?”
She felt hot tears running down her cheeks again. How many tears had she cried in the past twenty-four hours? She felt like an old sponge that had been squeezed and wrung dry. How could she possibly have any tears left? Her heart ached as if someone had plucked it from her chest and torn it into pieces. How could a mother endure such pain? It was wrong, wrong, wrong to lose a child like this. But it was even more wrong to lose a child who had been estranged.
“I’m so sorry, Lenore,” Esther whispered. “I was wrong and stupid. Please forgive me. I’m sorry . . .”
Her nose was dripping now, and she started jerking open her desk drawers in search of a tissue or handkerchief. But she stopped when she saw the small black book Jimmy had given her when his father died. It was lying on top of some papers in a drawer. Oh, she knew it was a Bible. But what on earth he’d thought she’d ever want with something like that was beyond her. She had no use for such religious relics. In fact, she thought she’d thrown the silly thing away long ago. For some reason, she picked it up now. She ran her finger over the gold embossed lettering of her name. Esther Louise Daniels. She supposed it was a sweet gesture on Jimmy’s part. But then he’d always been a good boy. Maybe he wasn’t her own flesh and blood, but he’d always treated her with such love and loyalty.
She opened the book, fanning through the delicate pages. Suddenly she remembered the last words on Lenore’s gravestone.
John
3:16
. She had suspected at the time that they might be indicative of something from the Bible, but being generally unfamiliar with Bibles, the name and numbers meant nothing to her. Yet, for some unexplainable reason, they had remained in her mind. Perhaps this was meant to be a message for her, a message from beyond the grave, from her beloved daughter.
It took Esther a while before she figured things out and actually discovered where she might find this mysterious message. But finally she put her finger on what had to be it. She read the verse silently at first, and then aloud, pondering over each word.
“For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.”
She pulled out the satin ribbon that was sewn into the Bible and slipped it between the pages to mark the verse. Then she closed the book and leaned back in her chair and wondered. Was it really possible to have everlasting life? Could a person actually live forever? And who would want to? Good grief, she was so tired sometimes, like tonight for instance, that she wished she would simply go to sleep and never wake up again. Not ever.
But what if? What if there really was such a thing as everlasting life? A heaven, even? What if her beautiful Lenore was up there right now, perhaps even looking down and watching her? What if there was a way to see her daughter again, to tell her she was so very, very sorry, to tell her that she loved her, had always loved her? Oh, it was almost too much to imagine, too much to hope for. Too good to be true.