17
Esther sat and stared blankly at the old letters splayed across James’s normally orderly desktop. They looked almost as if the wind had blown them in. Or Hurricane Hattie. She should’ve known better than to let that crazy old woman into her home. Good grief, hadn’t Hattie always been the bearer of bad news?
Oh yes, the letters appeared to have been written in James’s handwriting, perhaps not as neatly as his usual smooth and controlled hand, but that was most likely due to his illness or the medications, and, of course, there’d been stress. And there was no doubt they’d been written on his own personal stationery embossed with his own initials, JD. And, of course, he wouldn’t have used the college letterhead that he normally reserved for official work correspondence. And, most likely, he’d sat right here, right in this big leather chair, when he’d composed them.
But was the content really true? Poor James had endured some heavy pain medications during the last few months of his life. Perhaps those drugs had affected his mind. Maybe he’d even been hallucinating. These were the excuses she’d given Hattie shortly before she’d closed the door and barricaded herself in James’s den with the sternest instructions: “I do not wish to be disturbed.”
Once the door was locked and she was alone, she’d sat there and read and reread each letter until she’d nearly memorized each and every painful word. And now, despite her own earlier misgivings and doubts, she realized that the letters relayed the truth. James had indeed raped her only daughter. Oh, it was difficult to form those words in her mind. It sounded so crude and base and immoral. Not at all like the man she’d been happily married to for fifteen years. Just the same, she knew it was true.
Perhaps she’d always known. At least deep down in some hidden corner of her mother’s heart. After all, hadn’t Lenore tried to tell her without actually saying the words? But mired in her own foolish pride and stubbornness, Esther had refused to listen to her own daughter.
She leaned back into the chair and closed her eyes. Oh, the stupid and senseless messes people make of their lives. One mess leads smack into another and then another and another. It made her weary just thinking of it. It was like the redundancy of the seaside, one wave tumbling into the next. She had always grown tired of the sound of the ocean after a few days. James had never understood this. Maybe it was just her, since most people seemed to love the sound of the ocean, but the endless pounding of wave after wave after wave had always worn on her nerves. Just the way this whole nasty business with James was wearing on her now. His guilt only added more layers to her own guilt, making her feel worse than ever. And just when she’d been hoping for some resolution too. Oh, when would the hurting ever cease?
She looked at the photograph of James that she kept on his desk. It was taken shortly after he’d been selected as the university president. Such a proud day that had been. In fact, it would’ve been perfect except for the fact that Lenore was missing. She studied his smile and wondered how he’d really felt that day. Was he pleased with himself for the way he’d managed to conceal such a hideous offense? Or was he smiling like that simply to hide the shame?
Oh, she’d always known that James Daniels was a rather self-indulgent man. But then he’d been raised that way. Rich from birth, and always given everything, life had been easy come, easy go for him. And he’d always been the golden boy – the man with the Midas touch. Everyone who knew him had respected him. Even Lenore.
Esther choked back a sob as she remembered the evening, almost a year after she and James had married, when Lenore had come downstairs to tell them good-night. Wearing flannel pajamas and a freshly scrubbed face, she’d said, “I don’t know how to say this . . .” Lenore had paused then as if this was something very important to her. “But I’m really glad that you guys are married. I know I wasn’t so excited at first because I didn’t really think anyone could replace my daddy. But I think James is the next best thing, and if it’s okay, I’d like to start calling you Dad.” Well, James had jumped up from his chair and hugged her, saying that of course she could call him Dad and that he’d be proud to have her for his own daughter. It was a tender moment then, but it burned like hellfire now.
“That beast!” Esther said as she pounded her fist on his desk. “That abominable monster!” She stood up, shaking her fist in the air. “How could you, James Allen Daniels? How dare you?” She hobbled around the desk, ignoring the pain of her throbbing ankle as it knocked against the leg of the chair. With angry sobs, she reached for his shining brass football trophy, the one he’d won in college, and then she threw it to the floor. Like a madwoman, she clung to the bookshelves and struggled her way around his office, taking every single item he’d been proud of, every award and honor he’d ever received, and one by one, she smashed them to the floor. Finally she took his photo, held it high above her head, and brought it down with a loud crash that sent glass flying across the desk. “You demon!”
“What’s going on?” Felicity demanded as she loudly knocked on the door. “Are you okay, Mom?”
“I’m fine!” Esther shouted. “Perfectly fine. Just leave me alone!”
Finally, exhausted and in pain from her ankle, Esther collapsed onto the leather couch by the window and just sobbed.
Why, why, why?
When she awoke, the room had grown dark and it took her a moment to remember where she was, but she thought she heard someone knocking on the door again. “Who is it?” she asked in a voice that sounded like an ancient toad.
“It’s me,” said an apologetic voice. But before Esther could get up, a key turned in the lock, the door opened, and the light came on. And there stood Hattie looking around the room with an expression of horror. “My word, Esther, whatever has happened in here?”
Esther sat up and rubbed her eyes. “A little temper tantrum.”
“Do you feel better now?” Hattie asked with what seemed genuine concern.
“As a matter of fact, I do.” Esther looked at the mess, then just shook her head. “Can you hand me my crutches, Hattie?”
Hattie carefully picked her way through the broken glass and debris to retrieve the crutches, then leaned them against the couch beside Esther. “I don’t blame you, Esther,” she said as she sat down beside her. “You know that James was my only brother and that I loved him dearly, but, believe me, I wanted to kill him myself when I read that last letter.”
Esther blinked, then looked at her sister-in-law. “Really?”
Hattie nodded. “Yes, if he hadn’t been terminally ill, I might have.”
Esther shook her head again.
“And if he hadn’t been in such bad shape, I probably wouldn’t have forgiven him either.”
“But you did?”
She sighed. “I did. It’s hard to deny mercy to a dying man. In the end I actually felt rather sorry for him. Oh, I couldn’t excuse his behavior, there’s no excuse for that. But I do think it’s what killed him. I believe the guilt was eating him alive and the cancer was simply his body’s way of surrendering to it.”
“He said something like that in his letters.”
“Poor man.”
“Poor Lenore,” Esther said.
Hattie patted Esther’s hand. “Yes, poor, dear Lenore. She was such a sweet angel of a girl. She certainly didn’t deserve that kind of treatment.”
“No one does,” Esther said sadly.
“Did I ever tell you that your girl won my heart right from the start?” Hattie said. “Why, I still remember the first day I met her, just a few days before the wedding, and she gave me the sweetest little tour of this house. Well, I took her into my heart as if she were my very own niece that very day. She was precious, Esther.”
Esther started choking up again. “I – I know.”
“And my, but she loved you. I remember how she was slightly brokenhearted after the two of you left for your honeymoon. Oh, but she missed her mommy.”
“Did she?”
“My, yes. I did everything I could think of to cheer her up, including driving to every furniture store in the county until we found the bedroom set of her dreams to distract her.”
“You were a good aunt to her, Hattie.”
“Well, thank you.”
“I feel so guilty,” Esther said. “Lenore tried to tell me it was James, but I just wouldn’t listen. I told myself she was simply trying to blame us for her making bad choices and getting into trouble. But, beneath it all, I think I suspected something was wrong. Still, it was too horrible to actually believe. I mean, how could he do – ” She shook her head as the words choked inside her.
Hattie wrapped her short arms around Esther and squeezed tightly. “I know, I know,” she said. “It just makes no sense at all. But life is like that sometimes, Esther. And like I told Christine earlier, we can at least be thankful that we have her now. I think she’s our blessing in disguise in this whole unfortunate affair.”
“Christine,” Esther said suddenly. “She knows about this?”
Hattie nodded. “It seemed only fair to tell her. And since James had written the letter to me, and I am, after all, her blood relative, her aunt, I thought it best I tell her. I figured you’d be enduring a pain all your own today.”
Esther nodded. “Yes, perhaps you’re right about that. But how did she take the news? Was she shocked or upset?”
“Yes. I think it was unsettling for her. She left here in a hurry.” Then Hattie smiled. “But don’t worry, she’s young. The young have a way of bouncing back from these sorts of things. She probably just needs some time to sort it out.”
Esther frowned. “I’m not so sure. She’s so much like Lenore. She has a very tender heart, and this might be very disturbing to her.”
“Maybe you’re right. Should you give her a call and see how she’s doing?”
“Yes. That’s what I’ll do.” Esther started to stand.
“Wait,” Hattie said as she bent over to pick up the dented football trophy and set it on the side table. “Let me clear you a safe path first. In fact, why don’t you go call from another room while I straighten this place up a bit?”
“Oh, you don’t need to – ”
“Nonsense, dear. I want to.”
So Esther hobbled out to the living room and sat down at her desk to search for Christine’s number. Finally she found it and dialed. She glanced at her watch as the phone rang several times. It was almost six o’clock and no one was answering. Perhaps Christine had gone out with friends tonight. Maybe to some holiday party. The girl was certainly entitled to her own activities. Esther considered leaving a message, then, unsure of what to say, she simply hung up. Maybe Hattie was right. Maybe the poor girl just needed some time and space to get over this thing. Give her time. Surely, she’d be back by tomorrow.
“Felicity?” Esther called, thinking her daughter-in-law must still be around, probably off in the kitchen fussing with some fruitcake or appetizers for her infernal Christmas party, which, more than ever, Esther wished they could cancel now. But, to her surprise, no one answered, and Esther decided that Felicity must’ve finally gone home to her husband and children. Well, that was for the best.
Esther had just gotten to her feet and was about to go and see if she could stir up something for her and Hattie to eat for supper when it hit her. If Christine was James’s daughter, that meant that she was Jimmy’s half sister. Suddenly she realized she had a responsibility to tell him this news. She sat back down and dialed his number, and, thankfully, he answered the phone. She didn’t think she could bear to have one more conversation with Felicity today!
“Hello, Jimmy,” she said in an uncertain voice. “I have some news for you, but now I’m wondering if I shouldn’t tell you face to face.”
“Is something wrong, Mom?” His voice sounded concerned. “Felicity said you were acting a bit odd today.”
“Not exactly wrong,” she told him. “But it is something important. Are you kids in the middle of dinner right now?”
“Actually, I already fed the kids, and Felicity and I were just thinking of sending out for Chinese.”
“Well, how about if you order enough for Hattie and me, my treat, of course.”
“Sounds great. I felt bad that we didn’t get to take Aunt Hattie out for dinner yesterday.”
“I’m sure she’ll enjoy it tonight just as much.”
“How about Christine? Should I bring some for her too?”
“No, she’s not here.”
“Okay. I’ll call it in now, and it’ll probably be about seven thirty by the time we pick it up and get there. Is that all right?”
“That’ll be fine.” Esther hung up the phone and took in a slow breath. She hoped it would be fine. More likely than not, it would turn into a total mess.
18
Hattie and Esther had just finished setting the dining room table, complete with china, silver, cloth napkins, and even candles, which was Hattie’s idea, when Jimmy and Felicity arrived with several white bags of food.
“That smells yummy,” Hattie said as the two younger people arranged the little white cartons in the center of the table.
“Where are the kids?” Esther asked as she sat down at the head of the table, her usual position.
“My sister took them to a musical at her church,” Felicity said.
Esther nodded. That was convenient, since she wasn’t quite sure how to make kids understand what she had to say tonight.
The four of them made casual chitchat throughout dinner, but Esther could tell that Felicity was smoldering with curiosity. Esther wondered what Jimmy had told her, if anything. Her guess was that Felicity would be assuming this had to do with the revisions to her will, since she knew her daughter-in-law had been hovering around her for much of the day, most likely trying to eavesdrop on her conversation with her attorney. But all that would have to come later, when Christine was here too.
Jimmy leaned back in his chair and patted what was beginning to look like a slight paunch on his belly. “Mmm, that was good. Thanks, Mom.”
Felicity sat straighter in her chair now, a forced smile gracing her pretty pink lips. “Jimmy said you have something to tell us.”
Esther glanced at Hattie, who nodded as if to encourage her to begin. “Well, it’s something of a long story that I’d prefer to tell in a slightly shorter version.”