The Truth About Faking (30 page)

He shrugs. “She’s nice enough.”

“
But she’s just like them, the people you said you hated.”

He puts his hands back in his pockets. “She’s actually not,” he says. “And at least she knows how to be real.”

He looks straight into my eyes when he says it, and my stomach hurts. I have no response, no arguments. He’s right. There’s nothing I can say to change what I’ve done or how I’ve treated him. I’ve been playing games since the first day I met him, and it isn’t fair to expect him to wait around for me to make up my mind. He’s picked Stephanie, and no amount of assertiveness is going to change that.

“
See you around, H.D.,” he says and starts walking back to his car. I watch as he gets into the Passat and drives away. Then I slide down against the tree and put my head on my bent knees as the tears stream down my face.

The next morning I try to think of any reason to stay home, but it’s no good. Mom’s as tough about attendance as she is about facing my problems.

“
It hurts too much,” I whisper, staring into my coffee mug. “There’s no way I’m learning anything today.”

Mom’s at the bar stirring honey into her tea. She presses her lips together and walks over to place her hand on my shoulder. “I’m sorry things didn’t go the way you hoped,” she says softly. “But you never know what can happen. Things can change in a day.”

I shrug, and she starts combing my hair back with her fingers. “Want me to do a braid?”

I shake my head. “It doesn’t matter anymore,” I say.

She slides her fingers through the sides of my hair anyway and starts wrapping the strands from left to right, over and over. “From where I was sitting, it looked like Jason really liked you,” she says. “I bet if you give him a little time, he’ll come around.”

I sigh. “No way, Mom. It’s over,” I say. “You should’ve heard him. He says I was playing games and the only reason I want him back is…” My voice trails off.

I haven’t told Mom about the whole Trent thing yet. It’s just too much to deal with all at once, and she can’t help with that anyway. Not with the way Trent’s mom feels about her.

“
Is what?” I hear her frown as she continues braiding.

“
Just because it didn’t work out with me and Trent,” I say.

She doesn’t answer as she finishes my hair. Then she walks around to sit in front of me at the table. I continue looking at my coffee mug, but she reaches across the table for my hands. I slide mine into hers and look up, meeting her eyes.

“
Tell you what,” she says. “Just be yourself, and I bet things change quicker than you expect.”

I don’t roll my eyes at her although I want to. Instead I just smile and nod. Mom always has wild ideas.

In the car Shelly’s completely distracted. I can’t believe she didn’t call me yesterday demanding I tell her everything about Trent, but I’d been sure this morning she’d be bursting. Instead she’s strangely quiet as we drive the few blocks to school. She pulls into the first empty spot without even trying to find something closer and kills the engine. Then she just sits quietly for several moments. Now I’m starting to get worried.

“
You okay?” I ask.

“
I’m in love with Aaron,” she says, looking straight ahead.

I catch myself before I laugh out loud, and instead I do a little cough. Then I clear my throat and turn in my seat to face her.

“
Love?” I don’t want to state the obvious, but I confess my problems are completely forgotten at this. “Is your mom trying a new self-help theory?”

“
No,” she says, still in zombie-mode, looking out the front window. “I know. It seems… really fast.”

“
It
is
really fast. You’ve only been out what, twice?”

She turns to look at me then, and I can tell by her expression this isn’t a joke. “He said that, too. That it seems fast—”

“
Wait,” I interrupt. “So you’ve discussed it with him?”

“
We sort of talked about it after the party.” She looks down at her lap.

“
What happened exactly?” I can’t believe this.

She’s quiet a moment, then she starts. “Well… after the Trent thing, the party kind of ended. So we went back to his house and we were all making out and stuff. You know.”

I shrug, “Okay.”

“
Then I just… said it.”

I stare at her, waiting. But she’s stopped again.

“
And?”

“
And he said that about it being fast, and I nearly died,” Her hands go to her face, and she squeezes her eyes shut. “It just slipped out, Harley.”

I reach over and rub her arm. “That’s okay,” I’m trying to make her feel better, but
ouch!
 

“
I told him I had to go,” she opens her eyes and looks at her hands in her lap. “I pretty much stayed in my room all day yesterday just thinking about it. About him. He kept calling, but I couldn’t answer the phone.”

“
So you haven’t talked to him since?”

I watch her squirm. “I couldn’t.”

We’re quiet. I want to be encouraging, but I’m still trying to recover. I know how she feels about things like falling in love and commitment these days.

“
You know, I always thought you and Brian might get back together,” I say. “Eventually, I mean.”

She shakes her head. “Brian’s a jerk.” Then she adds in a quiet voice. “But Aaron’s… different.”

“
Well?” I smile. “That’s good. Right?”

She looks away, out the window. Several moments pass before she says anything again.

“
I’ll never forget the night my dad sat at our kitchen table and signed those divorce papers,” she says. “And then he walked out the door like we never even mattered.”

My eyes get warm. It’s the same night I held her hand as she cried.

She turns back to me and kind of smiles. “But I can’t keep making everyone else pay for what he did, right?”

I nod and she exhales.

“
I told Aaron about that,” she continues. “The divorce, I mean, and how it felt. How I felt.”

“
What’d he say?”

She looks down, smiling. “He said my dad’s a jerk and he wants to kick his ass.”

I reach for her hand and squeeze it. “Now
I
love Aaron. I mean, he’s kind of a kid, but not really. Right?”

“
He’s different,” she says softly. “I mean, when we’re together, it’s… I don’t know. It’s fun.”

Our eyes meet and we smile just as there’s a tapping on her window. We both turn to look, and then she opens her door fast. I lean forward and catch a glimpse of Aaron as her door closes again and my friend’s back is pressed against it. I grab my door handle fast and stand up to see Shelly’s arms clutched around Aaron’s neck. I grin and lean back into the car for my bag before heading to the building. Everything feels happy and optimistic all of a sudden. People can change. Even if for a while they seem very determined to be angry and to not give other people a second chance. I set off for class smiling and ready to see Jason.

In our texts, Trent told me his mom is keeping him home from school now. Somehow she’s blaming our school for him being gay. For him “thinking he’s gay,” which is what he told me she says. He and I agree that’s idiotic, but a few times I catch the whispers of my fellow students discussing what happened at David’s party. Half the female population is saying it’s a vicious rumor and the other half is claiming they knew it all along. I hate it, and I’m glad he’s not here, especially since I know how he feels about all the gossip. On the way to algebra, I think about how I used to rush to see him before class every day, and then I realize in just a few minutes I’ll see Jason. My optimism abandons me, and I duck into the bathroom to check my hair and makeup. Stephanie’s there. I narrow my eyes when I see her. She’s looking in the mirror with one of her newest little Shadow Creek minions by her side, and they’re talking and applying lip gloss.

“
Hey, Harley,” she says, glancing at me. “You know Ashley Lockett?”

I shake my head. “Hey,” I say to the typically pretty, blonde-haired, blue-eyed girl standing next to Steph. There’s always another one coming up.

She smiles at me. “Hey.”

“
Ashley’s a freshman, but she’s a cinch for the cheer squad next year,” Stephanie continues unfazed. “Keep an eye out for her at tryouts this summer, okay?”

I don’t respond. She’s got a lot of nerve asking me for a favor at tryouts.

“
Look.” Stephanie puts down her gloss and turns to me. “I’m sorry about what happened at the party. With Trent. I was drunk and stupid, and I guess I sort of blew his cover. Or whatever.”

My eyes widen.
I’m sorry
is something I never expected to hear from Stephanie Miller, and it leaves me fumbling for the proper comeback.

“
Everybody says stupid stuff they regret,” I mutter. Then I frown wishing I were brave enough to say what I really thought about her big mouth.

She turns back to the mirror, but she’s looking down. “I really liked Trent,” she says. “I thought we might get back together if… well, I hope he isn’t too mad at me.”

I manage to keep my expression neutral, but you could knock me over with a feather right now.

“
I think they’re moving to Glennville,” I say. “And he’s happy. He never liked it here.”

“
I can understand that,” she says under her breath, looking up again and flipping her dark hair behind her shoulders. I watch her smooth pink gloss over her perfect mouth and refuse to picture Jason kissing it.

“
I don’t think it’s going to work out with me and Jason,” she says, as if she’s just read my mind.

Our eyes meet in the mirror.

“
Oh, really?” I say as if I couldn’t care less. Right. I’m dying.

“
I mean, he’s hot and all.” She smiles in a way that actually seems friendly. “But he’s too distracted. I think he’s still got a thing for somebody else.”

I’m speechless. Stephanie Miller is not the type of person I’d ever expect to go out on a limb for anybody. Or to back down from something she wants. Now I really don’t know what to say.

She does an exaggerated exhale and spins to face me. “Look, Harley. Here’s fifty cents.” She spreads both hands at my face. “Buy some backbone and go get what you want.”

And with that the senior, head-cheerleader, hottest girl at school who’s about to leave for college in California walks out, her pet freshman right behind her, leaving me standing there with my mouth open.

I quickly shut it and look at myself in the mirror. I glance at my hair. I didn’t think about it at the time, but Mom gave me that same braid I was wearing the day Jason derailed my luau date with Trent. I’m even wearing a similar dress. My heart’s thumping and with shaking hands, I smooth a few flyaway strands back and then touch up my lip gloss. Assertiveness. Break the Cycle. Backbone.

I have no idea what I’m about to do.

Seventeen

The bell’s ringing and Jason’s already in his seat as I sneak into class. I can’t look at him. Stephanie’s words are still swirling in my head. She didn’t exactly say he’s still interested in me but what else could she have meant? Something must’ve happened.

Mrs. Gipson’s droning on about some formula or the order of operations, but I can’t follow her right now. All I can think about is him just inches away from me and trying to figure out what he’s thinking. I have to sneak a peek at him. My book and notebook are open on my desktop, and I lean forward in my seat so that my hair falls sort of past my face on the side. I raise my hand to my cheek and carefully turn my head just enough to glance in his direction. His brown eyes lock on mine and I jump, sending my textbook sliding off the side of my desk.

Wham!
It hits the floor, and Mrs. Gipson stops speaking and turns to look at me. My cheeks are flaming red, and I quickly bend down to pick up my book. As I sit up again, I glance at Jason. He’s looking at the teacher, but I can see him struggling not to laugh.
Great.
 

When Mrs. Gipson turns around again, I hear him whisper. “You okay?”

I nod, but I don’t look at him. At this point, the only cycle I’ve broken is the one where I have any dignity left.

Finally the bell rings, and I don’t move as Jason stands and collects his things. He pauses for a moment beside me, but I continue making pretend notes in my book. I’m too flustered, and all my confidence is gone. I can’t say anything to him right now.

After another moment he starts walking to the door, and I peek after him just in time to see Stephanie waiting in the hall. They walk off, and I turn back to picking up my things confused. They still seem to be together.

I sit with Robin and the other cheerleaders at lunch, watching Jason next to Stephanie at the other end of the long table. They aren’t talking, at least not the way he and I always do.

“
He was too perfect to be straight. And the way he dresses,” Robin’s discussing Trent with Meg and one of the other senior girls. Then her voice lowers. “I can’t believe Stephanie dated him so long. That means she never…”

She raises her eyebrows and tilts her head toward the other end of the table. The girls snicker. I glance at Stephanie and Jason again, wishing I knew could tell what she’s saying to him, if she’s telling him they shouldn’t go out anymore.

Brian’s approach interrupts my thoughts. He puts his tray right between Robin and me and sits, scooting us apart. I roll my eyes. He’s been a big goon since kindergarten, but Robin and the other girls giggle. I notice a few playing with their hair, suddenly blinking and smiling, and I feel like I missed a memo. Shelly and Brian were together so long, I never thought of him as a potential love interest. I glance at him and decide I still don’t think of him that way.

“
God, Brian. You’re so rude,” Robin complains, but when she pushes his arm, I notice her hand lingers before she takes it back.