The Ultimate Inferior Beings (22 page)

The blob’s apologetic manner
returned. “Oh, I’m awfully sorry,” he said. “I didn’t realize. I thought you
knew. I’m so, so, sorry.”

anaX frowned at the blob’s
constant apologizing.

“I’m Henry,” continued the
blob. “That’s my name. Henry. Pathetic name, really, but it suits me down to
the ground. That’s because I, myself, am pathetic. I am the smallest, weakest,
feeblest and most pathetic of all blobs. You’ll not find anyone more inferior
than me. You need to be pretty inferior to be as inferior as me. Yes indeedy.
My word, am I inferior.”

“Hmm,” said anaX
thoughtfully. Although she was no expert in psychology, it seemed to her that
Henry was displaying all the classic symptoms of an inferiority complex. From
past experience anaX knew that people with inferiority complexes generally were
indeed inferior, but one had to persuade them otherwise. So she tried to do
just that.

“Don’t say that,” she said
gently. “You’re not inferior.”

Henry’s mouth dropped open.
“Pardon??”

“You’re not at all inferior.”

Henry stared at her in total
bafflement, his slimy lower lip quivering slightly. He took a step back from
anaX. But then a smile slowly appeared on his lips. “Ah, I get it,” he said,
his grin broadening. “That was meant to be an insult.”

“No it wasn’t.”

“Yes it was,” said Henry,
still smiling. “And a pretty good one at that. It really hurt me, that one.
I’ve sort of become immune to all the usual abuse, but that one... yes, that
one was really good.”

anaX rolled her eyes in
exasperation.

“Well,” said Henry suddenly.
“I can’t stand around being insulted all day. I’d better tell you why I’ve come
here.”

“Please do.”

LEP suddenly stopped humming
“Daisy, Daisy”. He had finally hit a correct note and wanted to savour the
moment at leisure.

“It’s about your friends,”
said Henry. “Their lives are in great, great danger. We must try to rescue
them.”

Chapter 6

The
Benjaminites continued
with their preparations. The few that had sped off on the
pulseway returned a few minutes later, in that messy way of theirs, deposited a
large number of bricks in a pile and sped off again. They repeated the
procedure several times until the pile of bricks was several feet high.

jixX eyed the preparations
with growing unease. sylX and fluX were getting nervous, too, and even Chris
looked troubled. After the third return of the brick-carriers Chris suddenly
turned to jixX and said, “Don’t worry, I’ll try to get some help.”

Without another word he
slithered over to a pulseway and was off. The three humans were left alone,
with only the industrious Benjaminites for company.

Eventually, Randolph came
over to them and said, “Right, we’re ready when you are. It’s all set up.”

“Okay. What happens now?”
asked jixX, more nervous than ever.

“First, you pick a Champion,
someone who will represent your species. Your Champion will be pitted against
ours.”

“We fight?”

“No, no,” said Randolph, laughing. “Nothing so primitive. You compete in three different sports. Winner
is the best of three.”

“Sports,” said jixX with
interest. “I like sports.” Too late, he realized he had effectively volunteered
himself as the Champion of the Human Race. Disappointingly, there was no
dissent from the others.

“Good, good,” said Randolph. “And our Champion shall be Jeremy.”

“HUH???!!!??!” screamed
Jeremy silently, astonished by this suggestion. He glared at Randolph in
disbelief for a few seconds before slithering forward, looking indignant, and
gesticulating wildly.

“That’s the spirit!” said Randolph. He turned to jixX. “Any questions?”

“What happens if I lose?” asked
jixX.

Randolph
gave a slight cough. He
nodded in the direction of the large pile of bricks. “I’m afraid we’d have
to...”

He didn’t finish his
sentence.

Then he said, “Right, walk
this way,” and led them to the first set of equipment. This consisted of a
small platform surrounded by six knee-high screens. Being knee-high, the
screens were about the height of an average Mamm.

“What do we do here?” asked
jixX.

“It’s quite simple. All you
need worry about is the platform in the middle. The surrounding screens help us
judge each contestant.”

Several Mamms were taking up
their positions at the screens.

“In the spirit of fair play,
we will let Jeremy go first,” said Randolph. “To allow you to get the hang of
the sport.”

“Fine by me,” agreed jixX.
“If that’s all right with Jeremy.”

They turned to look at
Jeremy. It definitely was not all right with him. No way was it all right with
Jeremy – as he tried to make clear with his wild gestures.

“Jeremy’s raring to go,” said
Randolph, deliberately misinterpreting Jeremy’s non-verbal signals. “Come
along, Jeremy.”

“NO!!! I will not!!” screamed
Jeremy mentally, making gestures to match.

“Come on, Jeremy. We haven’t
got all day.”

Jeremy suddenly stopped
gesticulating as a thought occurred to him. By going first, he realized, he
would be
proving
the humans to be The Dogs. Jeremy smiled a cunning
smile as he stepped forward and went between the screens. He took his place on
the little platform and looked about him with a superior air. ‘Dogs follow
their Masters,’ he kept thinking to himself. ‘Dogs follow their Masters.’ Proof
indeed. His only regret was that he was unable to tell Randolph and the other
Benjaminites of this new proof. A proof that would surely convince even the
most sceptical amongst them.

Perhaps later, he thought.
When his voice returned.

*

“Your friends’ lives are in
great, great danger,” repeated Henry. “We must try to rescue them.”

anaX looked a trifle puzzled.
‘Friends?’ she was thinking, wondering who Henry might be referring to. “Ah,”
she said at last when it dawned on her who he meant. He meant the others who,
only a few minutes ago, she had been intending to leave behind on this planet
to the mercy of the neutrino bomb. “Those friends.”

“We must be quick.”

“What sort of danger are they
in?”

Henry waited a second. “Look,
I wish you’d throw in the odd insult every now and again.”

“Sorry.”

“Oh no, don’t apologize. It’s
entirely my fault. I’m the inferior one around here.”

“What sort of danger are they
in?” repeated anaX.

“Sorry, I didn’t answer your
question, did I. Apologies for changing the subject like that. I’m not much of
a talker, you know. I’m bad at most things, in fact.”

“What... sort... of...,”
started anaX, uttering each word slowly and clearly.

“Ah, yes,” said Henry
apologetically. “I fear that they are about to face a nasty death.”

“Death?” said anaX,
surprised.

Henry waited for the insult.
“Yes,” he said when none came. “A particularly horrible and painful one. Now,
listen. Here is what we do...”

*

“So what does this sport
involve?” asked jixX, as Jeremy, standing on the platform behind the six
screens, looked about him with an air of superiority and supreme confidence.

“Well,” said Randolph. “It involves keeping perfectly still for as long as you can. The longest time is
the winner.”

jixX looked disappointed.
“Perfectly still?” he asked.

“Yes. Won’t be too strenuous
for you, will it?” Randolph pressed a switch and all six screens surrounding
Jeremy lit up. Each showed a continually moving pattern of lines. “These
screens project an interference pattern which can detect a movement as small as
one thousandth of an inch.” Randolph selected three of the Mamms. “Horace,
Lawrence and Ambrose watch those three screens.” Then he indicated the three
humans. “And if you three watch those, we can begin.”

“A thousandth of an inch?”
asked jixX, feeling his muscles go weak.

But Randolph had turned his
attention to Jeremy. “Right, Jeremy. Ready?”

Jeremy shook his head
frantically.

“Steady?”

Jeremy’s head shaking became
even more frantic.

“Stop!”

Jeremy froze. The
interference pattern on all six screens became still. The three Mamms and the
three humans stared intently at their screens for any signs of movement. But
the patterns stayed put.

Five seconds passed.

Then ten seconds, still no
movement.

Twenty seconds. Thirty, a
full minute.

“He’s pretty good,” admitted
jixX, becoming more and more nervous, glancing at the pile of bricks to his
left.

Randolph
gave a laugh. “No, not
Jeremy. He’s far too emotional and jumpy for this sport.” Then he lowered his
voice and said confidentially, “But it’s a way of keeping him quiet and out of
mischief.”

“He’s been a lot quieter than
the last time we met him,” whispered jixX back.

“He’s lost his voice,”
explained Randolph, still in a whisper.

The three humans exchanged
glances at this piece of information. It certainly explained a lot.

Behind the screens Jeremy was
beginning to get rather annoyed. He could hear all the whispering and knew they
were talking about him. Still, he would have the last laugh – when his voice
returned – and would revel in The Dogs’ destruction.

“How long can he keep this
up?” asked sylX, glancing at her watch and rubbing her eyes from the strain of
staring at the fringe pattern.

“Well,” started Randolph. “The world record is 107 hours. But I don’t expect Jeremy to last half that
long.”

The three humans shot glances
at Randolph. “One hundred and seven hours??” they asked in chorus.

“I believe so,” said Randolph.

“And we’re supposed to stare
at these screens all that time?” asked jixX.

“No, no. Not all that time.
Like I say, I doubt Jeremy will last half that long.”

*

“Here is what we do...”
repeated Henry, now in a whisper. He looked left, then right, then behind him,
and then beckoned anaX to come closer.

“Go on,” urged anaX, also
whispering, putting her ear close to his slimy green mouth.

“My plan is,” said Henry,
edging closer to her and lowering his voice even further. “My plan is that we
go and rescue your friends from the danger they are in at the hands of my
friends.”

“Uh-huh,” whispered anaX
encouragingly.

Henry edged back from her,
looking slightly puzzled.

“What’s the matter?” asked
anaX.

“Well, that’s it,” said
Henry. “That’s my plan. That we go and rescue your friends.”

Still crouching down, anaX
looked at him. “That’s it, is it?” she asked.

“Yes,” said Henry proudly.

anaX gave a slight cough.
“It’s not really much of a plan, is it,” she said. “As plans go.”

“It isn’t?” asked Henry
surprised. It was one of the best plans he’d ever had. “What’s wrong with it?”

“Well, I’d call it more of an
idea, or an aim; rather than a plan. As ideas go, it’s fine. Great, even...”

“Coming from someone as
inferior as me,” put in Henry.

“Right. But as a plan it is
somewhat lacking,” anaX said, trying not to sound too critical. “It doesn’t
have any substance or detail to it.”

Henry thought for a bit. As
he thought, a smile came to his lips. At last anaX was beginning to criticize
him, to give him the disrespect he was due. This was more like it. Perhaps,
given time, she might work her way up to full-blooded insults.

He looked at her. Realizing
it was his turn to say something, he said, “I’m very inferior.”