The Ultimate Inferior Beings (9 page)

“But won’t it burn up on
re-entry?” asked jixX, surprisingly well versed in scientific principles for a
landscape architect.

“Not if it’s been fired
properly,” said LEP, chuckling at his little pun.

Chapter 3

Two
dark shapes
emerged from the shadows and peered into the depression of Receiver Net 7. One
reached in and retrieved the still-warm brick.

“What does it say?” asked the
other.

“FRIEND,” read the first.

“Bugger!” said the second.

*

jixX returned from the
dioxystable modulo-cystometric airlock wondering aloud at the communications
system of the Mamms.

“I’d say it’s highly
advanced,” insisted LEP. “Think how difficult it must be to project a brick
through a spaceship window when the spaceship is 420 miles up and travelling
close to the speed of ultrasound.”

“Hmm, I take your point,”
said jixX. He walked over to an observation window to observe the planet below.
“It still seems a bit crude, though. As communications system go.”

“DUCK!” warned LEP.

“What?”

“Duck!”

“Not again,” said jixX,
crouching down under the window. He covered his head, but then looked up. “How
much time to impact?” he asked as he suddenly had an idea.

“Ten seconds.”

“Nine... eight...” counted
jixX aloud. “How do you open these windows? ...six...”

“Are you crazy?”

“...five... Tell me!!
...three...”

“It swings outwards. Undo the
little red catch marked ‘DO NOT OPEN’.”

“...one...” jixX, determined
to save the window, banged the catch hard and swung the window open. Just in
time. “...Zero...”

A hard object flew in through
the open window above jixX’s head. At the same time, half the oxygen in the
main control room flew out in the opposite direction. The sudden drop in cabin
pressure triggered the micro-sensitive pressure detectors, activating the
emergency decompression defence system and clanking the praseodymium-reinforced
shutter into place over the open window – smashing it to bits.

“Damn!” said jixX as he
picked glass fragments out of his hair and clothes. “That was a complete waste
of death-defying heroism.”

“No comment,” said LEP.
“Would you like me to record your foolish bravery in the ship’s log?”

“Will I get a medal?”

“Unlikely. But you may get
billed for the damage.”

“In that case, best not
mention it.”

jixX eyed the two smashed
windows, covered by their protective shutters. His mind suddenly pictured them
replaced by mahogany window-frames. He hit himself on the head to knock the
image out of it and stooped to pick up the brick.

“What does it say this time?”
asked LEP.

“‘Landing permission
granted’.”

“That’s nice.”

“Hmm,” said jixX, not convinced.
He put the brick down on the desktop next to his spruce and stared at it
thoughtfully. Then he sat down in his anti-inertial command couch and strapped
himself in. He surveyed the banks of coloured displays and buttons and knobs in
front of him.

“What now?” he asked, flexing
his fingers in readiness.

“I suggest we land on the
planet.”

jixX rolled his eyes “How
come you get all the good ideas?” he asked. “Just tell me which buttons to
press.”

*

A few minutes later, The
Night Ripple landed on the planet’s surface with an almighty judder. Even the
monostatic leverage on jixX’s anti-inertial command couch could not disguise
the moment of impact. The potted spruce jumped and bounced on the control desk
and finally toppled to the floor.

“Crikey!” said jixX when he
had finished shaking. “Is everything okay?” He quickly leapt to his spruce’s
rescue and returned it to the desktop, kicking some of the loose earth on the
floor under the desk.

“Touchdown successful,”
announced LEP. “Damage minimal.”

“‘Touchdown’?” said jixX, his
ears still buzzing. “Crash landing, more like.”

“No, no,” said LEP
emphatically. “Technically, it was a touchdown in that there’s a remote chance
that the ship may be able to take off again.”

*

 “…And my next invention was
a set of hydraulically-powered false teeth,” the youthful-faced twaX was
telling the pretty stowaway in the ship’s common room. “For people unable to
chew their food properly. Those teeth could produce a crushing force that could
crack not one but two Brazil nuts!”

“So, what went wrong with
this
invention?” asked sylX, stifling a yawn.

twaX gave a look of deep
disappointment. “People wearing the teeth kept biting their tongues.”

“Ouch!”

“Yes, apparently quite
painful. So they sued me for every penny I had.”

sylX nodded sympathetically,
but her mind kept imagining all those bitten tongues. “Seems all your
inventions cost you a lot of money.”

twaX nodded. “That’s why I’m
concentrating on my carpentry now,” he said, proudly indicating the wonky
mahogany window-frame and wonky bookshelf affixed to the common room walls.

sylX stared at the window
frame for a long time, but could think of nothing whatsoever to say about it.
She turned somewhat desperately to fluX, who was the only other person in the
room, the gynaecologist having mysteriously excused herself some time ago.

fluX was sitting bolt
upright, his fingers gripping the arms of his armchair, staring straight ahead
with bulging eyes as though he had just seen a ghost.

“Is anything the matter?”
asked sylX.

“I hov it!!” fluX said
excitedly, turning to the stowaway. “I hov just discovered anozzer of God’s
puns!” He clapped his hands and grinned in a crazed manner.

“Oh yes?” asked sylX.

“Vy did I not sink of it
before? Ze alchemists of days gone by must hov known it. It is so obvious!”

“Go on,” urged sylX, giving a
bright smile.

“Vell,” started fluX, leaning
forward in his chair. “Vot vould you say all of us are after?”

sylX shrugged. “Money?” she
suggested.

“No, no.”

“Fame? Happiness? Friendship?
Love? Children?”

“Nein,” said the behavioural
chemist, a trifle exasperated. “Heaven on Earth! Zat’s vot ve all vant.”

“Hmm,” said the stowaway, not
entirely convinced.

“Ve’d all like Heaven on
Earth,” insisted fluX. “Or on Tenalp, or verever,” he added quickly. “Or, to
put it anozzer vay: a vorld vizout hell. Vell, that is it! The second of God’s
puns, a vorld vizout hell. Or razzer: a vorld wizout ‘l’. Zat’s ze pun. ‘Vorld’
wizout ‘l’ becomes ‘vord’. ‘In ze beginning was ze Vord’, and all zat. It
suddenly all makes sense! Do you see?”

sylX was wondering whether
the behavioural chemist’s explanation was losing something in translation, but
she gave a nod anyway.

“Zat suggests zat God put ze
proof of His existence into our language. Into ze very vords ve speak. Zere
must be millions of clues to His being in ze very vords I am speaking to you
now.” He paused to allow this observation to sink in.

“Also,” he continued, “Vot is
Hell vizout ‘l’? It is ‘He’. Pretty spooky stuff, eh?” He grinned insanely and
sylX had to look away.

“But zere is more!”

“Oh?”

“Ya. Explain to me vy ze
early alchemists put all zat effort into turning ze base metals into gold?”

“Because gold is a precious
metal?” suggested sylX. “It is worth more money than the base metals?”

“No, no!” cried the
behavioural chemist, throwing his hands into the air. “It vas because ‘gold’
vizout ‘l’ is ‘God’! See?”

“Hmm,” said sylX for want of
a better answer.

“Zat’s proof zat zey must
have known of zis pun...”

It was at this point that the
whole room shuddered and shook as The Night Ripple ‘touched down’ on the
planet’s surface.

“We’ve landed!” said sylX as
soon as she was able to speak. She checked her body to make sure it was all
still in one piece.

“Earth?” said the carpenter,
suddenly perking up.

“No. It’s an alien planet
with aliens on it,” said the stowaway, getting to her feet. “Coming?”

But twaX just shook his head
in response, his eyes clouding over and his right arm starting to twitch
slightly. He had a strange smile on his face. “Earth,” he muttered to himself.

“No, it’s an alien planet...,”
slyX started, but then gave up. She turned to the behavioural chemist.
“Coming?” she said to him.

“No,” he responded, suddenly
deep in thought. “I just have anozer idea. Vords. Ya, zat is it. Vords...”

“Okay. I shan’t be long,”
said sylX. She turned and left the room.

fluX passed a hand through
his dishevelled white hair and got up, deep in thought. He, too, left the
common room.

twaX remained sitting in his
armchair, his eyes staring blankly ahead of him. “Earth,” he said again. Beads
of perspiration formed on his brow. They had landed on Earth. And that could
mean one thing, and one thing only.

Trees! Billions upon billions
of trees!

*

Back in her cabin, the
beautiful, raven-haired anaX reached for her handbag. Out of it she pulled a
mobile phone. Sternly she dialled a 45-digit Tenalp number.

“Number One?” she spoke into
it. “This is thirteen stroke seventy-three. We’re approaching a planet, in the
Pseudogravitic Continuum.”

She bit her lower lip as she
listened to the receiver.

“Yes,” she responded.

She nodded.

“Right. You mean … I’m to go
ahead with the plan?”

She nodded again. “Okay.”

It was at this point that the
whole room shuddered and shook as The Night Ripple ‘touched down’ on the
planet’s surface.

The gynaecologist picked
herself up off the floor. “We’ve just landed,” she explained into the phone.
“I’d better check out what’s going on and then get on with it.”

She flicked the mobile phone
off and replaced it in her handbag.

Had anyone been watching her
they would have thought her actions very strange, very strange indeed. After
all, how the Dickens had she managed to get a mobile phone signal from a planet
in the Pseudogravitic Continuum?

Chapter 4

As
sylX entered
the
main control room, her face radiated excitement.

“The aliens,” she said, her
voice bright and fresh. “Have we had contact yet?”

jixX swivelled in his command
couch to face her. “We have received two messages from them.”

sylX gasped.

“Yes,” said jixX
significantly, although he wondered whether he should be divulging such information
to a stowaway.