The Ultimate Inferior Beings (3 page)

“I... er... I have a fear of
heights.”

“Then don’t climb anything
high.”

jixX gave a deep sigh. “Look,
this is clearly a case of mistaken identity.”

“If you wish, you can raise
the matter personally with the Transcendental Overlord of Tenalp.”

jixX stepped back at the
mention of the name.

“Well?”

“No, it’s okay,” said jixX.
“I’ll leave it.”

“Very wise,” said VOZ.

jixX momentarily looked
crestfallen, but a change of mind reinvigorated him. “Actually,” he said,
surprising himself, “let me talk to TOT.”

“Are you sure?”

jixX was as far from sure as
it is possible to get. “Yup,” he said, his heart starting to race.

“Very well.” VOZ fell silent
for about twenty seconds. Then, “Sorry, he’s gone home.”

jixX looked desperate. “His
second-in-command, then.”

“Er, gone home, too.”

“Third?”

“Home.”

“I’m detecting a pattern
here.”

“You’re a smart guy,” said
VOZ.

“Thanks.”

“That’s rare on this planet.”

jixX said nothing.

“And, being a smart guy, you
will follow the red line on the floor out of the building. It will lead you to
a niobium-cordite moving paveway, which will take you swiftly and conveniently
to your spaceship. That is all, captain. And good luck.”

“You have the wrong jixX,”
pleaded jixX; but a click, followed by silence, told him that VOZ was no longer
listening.

A door swished open to his
left. Just outside it, on the floor, was a red line leading off down a brightly
lit corridor. He found himself recalling the advice his father had given him as
a young boy. “Son,” his dad had said as he tucked him into bed one night,
gently ruffling his hair. “Never, ever become a spaceship captain.”

He squatted down to pick up
the pot containing the dwarf Alberta spruce and, shaking his head repeatedly,
followed the red line out of the room and then out of the building.

Outside, one of the suns of
Polaris IV was just setting, giving the sky a reddish glow. jixX had reached
the start of the niobium-cordite moving paveway. One mile away, clearly visible
on the horizon, stood the glistening hull of The Night Ripple – an enormous
Class XI phonon-drive spaceship. Much closer to hand was a notice on the
niobium-cordite moving paveway. It said: ‘Out of Order. We apologize for any
inconvenience.’

Chapter 4

6.41 pm, 12 Mar 49 A-PE,
TOT’s home

“
How was work
?” asked Mrs
.
TOT when the Transcendental
Overlord of Tenalp arrived home that evening.

“Fine, fine,” muttered TOT
absently as he headed to his favourite armchair in front of the 3DV. He sat
down and looked at his wife. “Actually, things are looking very good,” he said
with a small smile of satisfaction. The latest news from the TCCC was that the
Ministry boys had managed to rustle up a captain and crew for The Night Ripple
in record time. It had always proved a bit of a problem in the past,
particularly for a mission as dangerous as this. The fact that they had done it
at all, let alone in record time, was pretty impressive. He decided to transmit
a message of congratulation to them before he forgot.

“That’s good,” said Mrs
.
TOT, although there was clearly something on her mind.

TOT switched on the 3DV with
the remote control. Then he uncoiled a length of flex from his chest and
plugged himself into the wall socket.

Mrs
.
TOT eyed these
actions with a frown and a barely audible tut.

TOT stared at her. “I’m a
cyber-kinetic android,” he reminded her. “I need power to function.”

“I know, I know, dear,” said
Mrs
.
TOT. “I’m not blaming you. It’s just that the electricity bill
arrived this morning.”

“Not now, dear,” said TOT,
flicking channels on the remote control and turning the volume up. He settled
back as his favourite advert came on.

“
New! Psychological Ruff!
”
boomed the 3DV. “
The washing powder that makes you
think
your washing
cleaner. It works because it’s psychological. Look. We took this shirt covered
in egg stains, bloodstains, gravy stains and hydrofluoric acid stains. We
washed one half of it sixty-eight times in New Psychological Ruff. See? Not a
ha’porth of difference. Yet nine out of ten housewives thought the half we had
washed was actually cleaner. So, get New Psychological Ruff. The washing powder
that makes you
think
your washing cleaner.
”

TOT sat nodding his head.
“They don’t make ads like that anymore,” he said to himself.

“I blame all this solar
energy,” Mrs
.
TOT was saying.

“Blame it for what, dear?”
asked TOT, turning to face her.

“The price of electricity.”

TOT rolled his meta-focus
laser eyes. “You’re not still on about that, are you?” he asked. “We’ll manage
somehow.”

“Well, I mean. It’s just not
natural.”

TOT gave her a totally
mystified look.

“Taking energy from
sunlight,” continued Mrs
.
TOT. “It just ain’t natural. No wonder it’s so
cold on Tenalp these days.”

“Yes, dear,” said TOT with a
small shake of the head. He turned back to the 3DV and changed channels. Many
people often wondered why TOT had ever married Mrs
.
TOT.

Chapter 5

6.43 pm, 12 Mar 49 A-PE, The
Night Ripple

jixX
was panting
heavily as he came to the end of his one-mile walk along the niobium-cordite,
non-moving, paveway. He stopped at the base of The Night Ripple to get his
breath back, placing the dwarf spruce on the ground to relieve his aching arms.
He looked up. The spaceship was huge; several storeys high and several hundred
feet long. The entrance seemed a long way up, reached by a flimsy-looking
gantry. He recalled VOZ’s advice about his fear of heights: “Then don’t climb
anything high”. For a moment or two he debated whether to go up, or simply make
a run for it; both options had their disadvantages.

Finally, he took a deep
breath, picked up the spruce, and, mindful not to look down, started the long
climb. The steps were more rickety than he had anticipated and the spruce
swayed and wobbled in its pot as he climbed. At the top he entered the ship. A
corridor led to a brightly lit room with control panels and blinking lights,
which he recognized as the ship’s main control room. It was empty.

The moment he entered, a
metallic voice startled him. “Welcome aboard, cap’n.”

jixX stopped in his tracks
and looked about the room.

“My name’s LEP,” continued
the voice. “But you can call me LEP.”

“Ah, the ship’s computer, I
presume,” said jixX, coming further into the room.

“Indeed. One of the best
there is, even though I say so myself.” LEP gave a chuckle. “Who’s your friend?”

“Huh?

“Your little green buddy.”

“Ah,” said jixX, placing the
heavy plant pot on the ground. “This is a dwarf Alberta spruce.”

“
Picea glauca ‘Conica’
.”

“Indeed.”

“Do you carry him around with
you all the time?”

“No,” said jixX with a sigh.
“He’s from a project. Surplus to requirements, so I was taking him home when I
was summoned to the MIS.”

“He’s very nice.”

“Yes, I like him.”

“Well, he can come with us
providing he doesn’t make too much noise and doesn’t smell bad.”

“Fully house-trained.”

“Excellent. Pop him on the
main control desk, then, and let’s get started.”

jixX transferred the plant
pot from the floor to the main control desk.

“LEP? Can I ask you
something?”

“I am here to help you in any
way I can.”

“Thanks,” said jixX seeing a
straw to clutch at. “You see, there’s been a terrible mistake. I’m the victim
of mistaken identity.”

“Oh dear,” said the ship’s
computer.

“I’m not a spaceship captain
at all. I design landscapes.” He waved a hand towards the potted spruce. “Hence
the
Picea glauca ‘Conica’
.”

“I see,” LEP was saying
sympathetically. “Sounds bad.”

“It is.”

“Trouble is, though, where
are we going to find another captain at this time of night?” asked LEP. “And at
such short notice? – what with only fifteen minutes to take-off.”

jixX could see the straw
drifting gently away from him.

“Still,” said LEP brightly.
“I’ll see what I can do.”

“Thanks.” jixX’s spirits rose
and he actually smiled. He bit his lip as he waited in trepidation.

“Hmm,” said LEP finally. “Not
much I can do. Sorry. Looks like I’m stuck with you.”

jixX’s shoulders sagged. The
straw was beyond his reach, having been swept over the edge of the waterfall
and carried off towards the ocean.

With a sigh, he hung his
jacket over the back of the anti-inertial command couch and sat down, wishing
he could return to the sanity of his plants and his gardens. He found himself
missing his clients, even the dotty ones. In front of him were arrays of 3D
graphical displays, touch screens, holographic sensors and VR controls. Even to
his inexpert eye they seemed poorly designed and old fashioned.

“So, where are we going?” he
asked at last.

“This is a Top Secret Space
Mission,” said LEP.

“So I’m not allowed to know?”

“Strictly speaking, no.”

“But I’m the captain.”

“You might blab,” said LEP.
“Are you a blabber?”

“How can I lead a mission if
I don’t know what it’s about?”

“Rules is rules,” said LEP.

jixX drummed his fingers on
the armrest.

“Alright,” said LEP after a
while. “Seeing as you’ve an honest face, I’ll tell you. We’re going to Earth.”

“And then?”

“We’re coming back.”

“Is that it?”

“Pretty much. Except that, on
the way back, we’ll be retracing the fateful path of the Living Chrysalis to
discover what caused the awful death of her crew.”

“VOZ didn’t mention that
bit.”

“No,” said LEP slowly. “He
wouldn’t. But don’t worry. I’ll be here to help you.”

jixX said nothing, looking
utterly depressed. Then he surveyed the myriad controls in front of him. “How
am I supposed to fly this thing,” he muttered under his breath.

“Fear not,” LEP piped up encouragingly.
“It’s just like riding a bicycle. Only significantly more difficult, and almost
infinitely more dangerous.”

“Thanks,” said jixX, his mood
at an all-time low. Then a suspicion crossed his mind. “LEP,” he started. “I’ve
heard that some computers these days are fitted with electronic wit-boxes that
are supposed to give them a sense of humour.”