The Unnamable (5 page)

Why did I have myself represented in the midst of men, the light of day? It seems
to me it was none of my doing. We won’t go into that now. I can see them still, my
delegates. The things they have told me! About men, the light of day. I refused to
believe them. But some of it has stuck. But when, through what channels, did I communicate
with these gentlemen? Did they intrude on me here? No, no one has ever intruded on
me here. Elsewhere then. But I have never been elsewhere. But it can only have been
from them I learnt what I know about men and the ways they have of putting up with
it. It does not amount to
much. I could have dispensed with it. I don’t say it was all to no purpose. I’ll make
use of it, if I’m driven to it. It won’t be the first time. What puzzles me is the
thought of being indebted for this information to persons with whom I can never have
been in contact. Can it be innate knowledge? Like that of good and evil. This seems
improbable to me. Innate knowledge of my mother, for example, is that conceivable?
Not for me. She was one of their favourite subjects, of conversation. They also gave
me the low-down on God. They told me I depended on him, in the last analysis. They
had it on the reliable authority of his agents at Bally I forget what, this being
the place, according to them, where the inestimable gift of life had been rammed down
my gullet. But what they were most determined for me to swallow was my fellow-creatures.
In this they were without mercy. I remember little or nothing of these lectures. I
cannot have understood a great deal. But I seem to have retained certain descriptions,
in spite of myself. They gave me courses on love, on intelligence, most precious,
most precious. They also taught me to count, and even to reason. Some of this rubbish
has come in handy on occasions, I don’t deny it, on occasions which would never have
arisen if they had left me in peace. I use it still, to scratch my arse with. Low
types they must have been, their pockets full of poison and antidote. Perhaps all
this instruction was by correspondence. And yet I seem to know their faces. From photographs
perhaps. When did all this nonsense stop? And has it stopped? A few last questions.
Is it merely a lull? There were four or five of them at me, they called that
presenting
their report. One in particular, Basil I think he was called, filled me with hatred.
Without opening his mouth, fastening on me his eyes like cinders with all their seeing,
he changed me a little more each time into what he wanted me to be. Is he still glaring
at me, from the shadows? Is he still usurping my name, the one they foisted on me,
up there in their world, patiently, from season to season? No no, here I am in safety,
amusing myself wondering who can have dealt me these insignificant wounds.

The other advances full upon me. He emerges as from heavy hangings, advances a few
steps, looks at me, then backs away. He is stooping and seems to be dragging invisible
burdens. What I see best is his hat. The crown is all worn through, like the sole
of an old boot, giving vent to a straggle of grey hairs. He raises his eyes and I
feel the long imploring gaze, as if I could do something for him. Another impression,
no doubt equally false, he brings me presents and dare not give them. He takes them
away again, or he lets them fall, and they vanish. He does not come often, I cannot
be more precise, but regularly assuredly. His visit has never coincided, up to now,
with the transit of Malone. But perhaps some day it will. That would not
necessarily
be a violation of the order prevailing here. For if I can work out to within a few
inches the orbit of Malone, assuming perhaps erroneously that he passes before me
at a distance of say three feet, with regard to the other’s career I must remain in
the dark. For I am incapable not only of measuring time, which in itself is sufficient
to vitiate all calculation in this connection, but also of comparing their respective
velocities. So I cannot tell if I shall ever have the good fortune to see the two
of them at once. But I am inclined to think I shall. For if I were never to see the
two of them at once, then it would follow, or should follow, that between their respective
appearances the interval never varies. No, wrong. For the interval may vary considerably,
and indeed it seems to me it does, without ever being abolished. Nevertheless I am
inclined to think, because of this erratic
interval
, that my two visitors may some day meet before my eyes, collide and perhaps even
knock each other down. I have said that all things here recur sooner or later, no,
I was going to say it, then thought better of it. But is it not possible that this
does not apply to encounters? The only encounter I ever witnessed, a long time ago
now, has never yet been re-enacted. It was perhaps the end of something. And I shall
perhaps be delivered of Malone and the other, not that they disturb me, the day I
see the two of them at one and the same time, that is to say in
collision
. Unfortunately they are not the only disturbers of my
peace. Others come towards me, pass before me, wheel about me. And no doubt others
still, invisible so far. I repeat they do not disturb me. But in the long run it might
become wearisome. I don’t see how. But the possibility must be taken into account.
One starts things moving without a thought of how to stop them. In order to speak.
One starts speaking as if it were
possible
to stop at will. It is better so. The search for the means to put an end to things,
an end to speech, is what enables the discourse to continue. No, I must not try to
think, simply utter. Method or no method I shall have to banish them in the end, the
beings, things, shapes, sounds and lights with which my haste to speak has encumbered
this place. In the frenzy of utterance the concern with truth. Hence the interest
of a possible deliverance by means of encounter. But not so fast. First dirty, then
make clean.

Perhaps it is time I paid a little attention to myself, for a change. I shall be reduced
to it sooner or later. At first sight it seems impossible. Me, utter me, in the same
foul breath as my creatures? Say of me that I see this, feel that, fear, hope, know
and do not know? Yes, I will say it, and of me alone. Impassive, still and mute, Malone
revolves, a stranger forever to my
infirmities
, one who is not as I can never not be. I am motionless in vain, he is the god. And
the other? I have assigned him eyes that implore me, offerings for me, need of succour.
He does not look at me, does not know of me, wants for nothing. I alone am man and
all the rest divine.

Air, the air, is there anything to be squeezed from that old chestnut? Close to me
it is grey, dimly transparent, and beyond that charmed circle deepens and spreads
its fine impenetrable veils. Is it I who cast the faint light that enables me to see
what goes on under my nose? There is nothing to be gained, for the moment, by supposing
so. There is no night so deep, so I have heard tell, that it may not be pierced in
the end, with the help of no other light than that of the blackened sky, or of the
earth itself. Nothing nocturnal here. This grey, first murky, then frankly opaque,
is luminous none the less. But may not this
screen which my eyes probe in vain, and see as denser air, in reality be the enclosure
wall, as compact as lead? To elucidate this point I would need a stick or pole, and
the means of plying it, the former being of little avail without the latter, and vice
versa. I could also do, incidentally, with future and conditional participles. Then
I would dart it, like a javelin, straight before me and know, by the sound made, whether
that which hems me round, and blots out my world, is the old void, or a plenum. Or
else, without letting it go, I would wield it like a sword and thrust it through empty
air, or against the barrier. But the days of sticks are over, here I can count on
my body alone, my body incapable of the smallest movement and whose very eyes can
no longer close as they once could, according to Basil and his crew, to rest me from
seeing, to rest me from waking, to darken me to sleep, and no longer look away, or
down, or up open to heaven, but must remain forever fixed and staring on the narrow
space before them where there is nothing to be seen, 99 per cent of the time. They
must be as red as live coals. I sometimes wonder if the two retinae are not facing
each other. And come to think of it this grey is shot with rose, like the plumage
of certain birds, among which I seem to remember the cockatoo.

Whether all grow black, or all grow bright, or all remain grey, it is grey we need,
to begin with, because of what it is, and of what it can do, made of bright and black,
able to shed the former, or the latter, and be the latter or the former alone. But
perhaps I am the prey, on the subject of grey, in the grey, to delusions.

How, in such conditions, can I write, to consider only the manual aspect of that bitter
folly? I don’t know. I could know. But I shall not know. Not this time. It is I who
write, who cannot raise my hand from my knee. It is I who think, just enough to write,
whose head is far. I am Matthew and I am the angel, I who came before the cross, before
the sinning, came into the world, came here.

I add this, to be on the safe side. These things I say, and shall say, if I can, are
no longer, or are not yet, or never were, or never will be, or if they were, if they
are, if they will be, were not here,
are not here, will not be here, but elsewhere. But I am here. So I am obliged to add
this. I who am here, who cannot speak, cannot think, and who must speak, and therefore
perhaps think a little, cannot in relation only to me who am here, to here where I
am, but can a little, sufficiently, I don’t know how, unimportant, in relation to
me who was elsewhere, who shall be elsewhere, and to those places where I was, where
I shall be. But I have never been elsewhere, however uncertain the future. And the
simplest therefore is to say that what I say, what I shall say, if I can, relates
to the place where I am, to me who am there, in spite of my inability to think of
these, or to speak of them, because of the compulsion I am under to speak of them,
and therefore perhaps think of them a little. Another thing. What I say, what I may
say, on this subject, the subject of me and my abode, has already been said since,
having always been here, I am here still. At last a piece of reasoning that pleases
me, and worthy of my situation. So I have no cause for anxiety. And yet I am anxious.
So I am not heading for disaster, I am not heading anywhere, my adventures are over,
my say said, I call that my adventures. And yet I feel not. And indeed I greatly fear,
since my speech can only be of me and here, that I am once more engaged in putting
an end to both. Which would not matter, far from it, but for the obligation, once
rid of them, to begin again, to start again from nowhere, from no one and from nothing
and win to me again, to me here again, by fresh ways to be sure, or by the ancient
ways, unrecognisable at each fresh faring. Whence a certain confusion in the exordia,
long enough to situate the condemned and prepare him for execution. And yet I do not
despair of one day sparing me, without going silent. And that day, I don’t know why,
I shall be able to go silent, and make an end, I know it. Yes, the hope is there,
once again, of not making me, not losing me, of staying here, where I said I have
always been, but I had to say something quick, of ending here, it would be wonderful.
But is it to be wished? Yes, it is to be wished, to end would be wonderful, no matter
who I am, no matter where I am.

I hope this preamble will soon come to an end and the
statement
begin that will dispose of me. Unfortunately I am afraid, as always, of going on.
For to go on means going from here, means finding me, losing me, vanishing and beginning
again, a stranger first, then little by little the same as always, in another place,
where I shall say I have always been, of which I shall know nothing, being incapable
of seeing, moving, thinking, speaking, but of which little by little, in spite of
these handicaps, I shall begin to know something, just enough for it to turn out to
be the same place as always, the same which seems made for me and does not want me,
which I seem to want and do not want, take your choice, which spews me out or swallows
me up, I’ll never know, which is perhaps merely the inside of my distant skull where
once I wandered, now am fixed, lost for tininess, or
straining
against the walls, with my head, my hands, my feet, my back, and ever murmuring my
old stories, my old story, as if it were the first time. So there is nothing to be
afraid of. And yet I am afraid, afraid of what my words will do to me, to my refuge,
yet again. Is there really nothing new to try? I mentioned my hope, but it is not
serious. If I could speak and yet say nothing, really nothing? Then I might escape
being gnawed to death as by an old satiated rat, and my little tester-bed along with
me, a cradle, or be gnawed to death not so fast, in my old cradle, and the torn flesh
have time to knit, as in the Caucasus, before being torn again. But it seems impossible
to speak and yet say nothing, you think you have succeeded, but you always overlook
something, a little yes, a little no, enough to exterminate a regiment of dragoons.
And yet I do not despair, this time, while saying who I am, where I am, of not losing
me, of not going from here, of ending here. What prevents the miracle is the spirit
of method to which I have perhaps been a little too addicted. The fact that Prometheus
was delivered twenty-nine thousand nine hundred and seventy years after having purged
his offence leaves me
naturally
as cold as camphor. For between me and that miscreant who mocked the gods, invented
fire, denatured clay and
domesticated
the horse, in a word obliged humanity, I trust there is
nothing in common. But the thing is worth mentioning. In a word, shall I be able to
speak of me and of this place without putting an end to us, shall I ever be able to
go silent, is there any connection between these two questions? Nothing like issues.
There are a few to be going on with, perhaps one only.

All these Murphys, Molloys and Malones do not fool me. They have made me waste my
time, suffer for nothing, speak of them when, in order to stop speaking, I should
have spoken of me and of me alone. But I just said I have spoken of me, am speaking
of me. I don’t care a curse what I just said. It is now I shall speak of me, for the
first time. I thought I was right in enlisting these sufferers of my pains. I was
wrong. They never suffered my pains, their pains are nothing, compared to mine, a
mere tittle of mine, the tittle I thought I could put from me, in order to witness
it. Let them be gone now, them and all the others, those I have used and those I have
not used, give me back the pains I lent them and vanish, from my life, my memory,
my terrors and shames. There, now there is no one here but me, no one wheels about
me, no one comes towards me, no one has ever met anyone before my eyes, these creatures
have never been, only I and this black void have ever been. And the sounds? No, all
is silent. And the lights, on which I had set such store, must they too go out? Yes,
out with them, there is no light here. No grey either, black is what I should have
said. Nothing then but me, of which I know nothing, except that I have never uttered,
and this black, of which I know nothing either, except that it is black, and empty.
That then is what, since I have to speak, I shall speak of, until I need speak no
more. And Basil and his gang? Inexistent, invented to explain I forget what. Ah yes,
all lies, God and man, nature and the light of day, the heart’s outpourings and the
means of understanding, all invented, basely, by me alone, with the help of no one,
since there is no one, to put off the hour when I must speak of me. There will be
no more about them.

I, of whom I know nothing, I know my eyes are open, because of the tears that pour
from them unceasingly. I know I
am seated, my hands on my knees, because of the pressure against my rump, against
the soles of my feet, against the palms of my hands, against my knees. Against my
palms the pressure is of my knees, against my knees of my palms, but what is it that
presses against my rump, against the soles of my feet? I don’t know. My spine is not
supported. I mention these details to make sure I am not lying on my back, my legs
raised and bent, my eyes closed. It is well to establish the position of the body
from the outset, before passing on to more important matters. But what makes me say
I gaze straight before me, as I have said? I feel my back straight, my neck stiff
and free of twist and up on top of it the head, like the ball of the cup-and-ball
in its cup at the end of the stick. These comparisons are uncalled for. Then there
is the way of flowing of my tears which flow all over my face, and even down along
the neck, in a way it seems to me they could not do if the face were bowed, or lifted
up. But I must not confuse the unbowed head with the level gaze, nor the vertical
with the horizontal plane. This question in any case is secondary, since I see nothing.
Am I clothed? I have often asked myself this question, then suddenly started talking
about Malone’s hat, or Molloy’s greatcoat, or Murphy’s suit. If I am, I am but lightly.
For I feel my tears coursing over my chest, my sides, and all down my back. Ah yes,
I am truly bathed in tears. They gather in my beard and from there, when it can hold
no more – no, no beard, no hair either, it is a great smooth ball I carry on my shoulders,
featureless, but for the eyes, of which only the sockets remain. And were it not for
the distant testimony of my palms, my soles, which I have not yet been able to quash,
I would gladly give myself the shape, if not the
consistency
, of an egg, with two holes no matter where to prevent it from bursting, for the consistency
is more like that of mucilage. But softly, softly, otherwise I’ll never arrive. In
the matter of clothes then I can think of nothing for the moment but possibly puttees,
with perhaps a few rags clinging to me here and there. No more obscenities either.
Why should I have a sex, who have no longer a nose? All those things have fallen,
all the things that
stick out, with my eyes, my hair, without leaving a trace, fallen so far, so deep,
that I heard nothing, perhaps are falling still, my hair slowly like soot still, of
the fall of my ears heard nothing. Mean words, and needless, from the mean old spirit,
I invented love, music, the smell of flowering currant, to escape from me. Organs,
a without, it’s easy to imagine, a god, it’s unavoidable, you imagine them, it’s easy,
the worst is dulled, you doze away, an instant. Yes, God, fomenter of calm, I never
believed, not a second. No more pauses either. Can I keep nothing then, nothing of
what has borne my poor thoughts, bent beneath my words, while I hid? I’ll dry these
streaming sockets too, bung them up, there, it’s done, no more tears, I’m a big talking
ball, talking about things that do not exist, or that exist perhaps, impossible to
know, beside the point. Ah yes, quick let me change my tune. And after all why a ball,
rather than something else, and why big? Why not a cylinder, a small cylinder? An
egg, a medium egg? No no, that’s the old nonsense, I always knew I was round, solid
and round, without daring to say so, no
asperities
, no apertures, invisible perhaps, or as vast as Sirius in the Great Dog, these expressions
mean nothing. All that matters is that I am round and hard, there must be reasons
for that, for my being round and hard rather than of some irregular shape and subject
to the dents and bulges incident to shock, but I have done with reasons. All the rest
I renounce, including this
ridiculous
black which I thought for a moment worthier than grey to enfold me. What rubbish
all this stuff about light and dark. And how I have luxuriated in it. But do I roll,
in the manner of a true ball? Or am I in equilibrium somewhere, on one of my
numberless
poles? I feel strongly tempted to inquire. What reams of discourse I could elicit
from this seemingly so legitimate
preoccupation
. But which would not be credited to me. No, between me and the right to silence,
the living rest, stretches the same old lesson, the one I once knew by heart and would
not say, I don’t know why, perhaps for fear of silence, or thinking any old thing
would do, and so for preference lies, in order to remain hidden, no importance. But
now I shall say my old lesson, if I
can remember it. Under the skies, on the roads, in the towns, in the woods, in the
hills, in the plains, by the shores, on the seas, behind my mannikins, I was not always
sad, I wasted my time, abjured my rights, suffered for nothing, forgot my lesson.
Then a little hell after my own heart, not too cruel, with a few nice damned to foist
my groans on, something sighing off and on and the distant gleams of pity’s fires
biding their hour to promote us to ashes. I speak, speak, because I must, but I do
not listen, I seek my lesson, my life I used to know and would not confess, hence
possibly an occasional slight lack of limpidity. And perhaps now again I shall do
no more than seek my lesson, to the self-accompaniment of a tongue that is not mine.
But instead of saying what I should not have said, and what I shall say no more, if
I can, and what I shall say perhaps, if I can, should I not rather say some other
thing, even though it be not yet the right thing? I’ll try, I’ll try in another present,
even though it be not yet mine, without pauses, without tears, without eyes, without
reasons. Let it be assumed then that I am at rest, though this is unimportant, at
rest or forever moving, through the air or in contact with other surfaces, or that
I
sometimes
move, sometimes rest, since I feel nothing, neither quietude nor change, nothing
that can serve as a point of
departure
towards an opinion on this subject, which would not greatly matter if I possessed
some general notions, and then the use of reason, but there it is, I feel nothing,
know nothing, and as far as thinking is concerned I do just enough to preserve me
from going silent, you can’t call that thinking. Let us then assume nothing, neither
that I move, nor that I don’t, it’s safer, since the thing is unimportant, and pass
on to those that are. Namely? This voice that speaks, knowing that it lies, indifferent
to what it says, too old perhaps and too abased ever to succeed in saying the words
that would be its last, knowing itself useless and its uselessness in vain, not listening
to itself but to the silence that it breaks and whence perhaps one day will come stealing
the long clear sigh of advent and farewell, is it one? I’ll ask no more questions,
there are no more questions, I know
none any more. It issues from me, it fills me, it clamours against my walls, it is
not mine, I can’t stop it, I can’t prevent it, from tearing me, racking me, assailing
me. It is not mine, I have none, I have no voice and must speak, that is all I know,
it’s round that I must revolve, of that I must speak, with this voice that is not
mine, but can only be mine, since there is no one but me, or if there are others,
to whom it might belong, they have never come near me. I won’t delay just now to make
this clear. Perhaps they are watching me from afar, I have no objection, as long as
I don’t see them, watching me like a face in the embers which they know is doomed
to crumble, but it takes too long, it’s getting late, eyes are heavy and tomorrow
they must rise betimes. So it is I who speak, all alone, since I can’t do
otherwise
. No, I am speechless. Talking of speaking, what if I went silent? What would happen
to me then? Worse than what is happening? But fie these are questions again. That
is typical. I know no more questions and they keep on pouring out of my mouth. I think
I know what it is, it’s to prevent the discourse from coming to an end, this futile
discourse which is not
credited
to me and brings me not a syllable nearer silence. But now I am on my guard, I shall
not answer them any more, I shall not pretend any more to answer them. Perhaps I shall
be obliged, in order not to peter out, to invent another fairy-tale, yet another,
with heads, trunks, arms, legs and all that follows, let loose in the changeless round
of imperfect shadow and dubious light. But I hope and trust not. But I always can
if necessary. For while unfolding my facetiae, the last time that happened to me,
or to the other who passes for me, I was not inattentive. And it seemed to me then
that I heard a murmur telling of another and less unpleasant method of ending my troubles
and that I even succeeded in catching, without ceasing for an instant to emit my he
said, and he said to himself, and he asked, and he answered, a certain number of highly
promising formulae and which indeed I promised myself to turn to good account at the
first opportunity, that is to say as soon as I had finished with my troop of lunatics.
But all has gone clean from my head. For it is
difficult to speak, even any old rubbish, and at the same time focus one’s attention
on another point, where one’s true interest lies, as fitfully defined by a feeble
murmur seeming to apologise for not being dead. And what it seemed to me I heard then,
concerning what I should do, and say, in order to have nothing further to do, nothing
further to say, it seemed to me I only barely heard it, because of the noise I was
engaged in making elsewhere, in obedience to the unintelligible terms of an incomprehensible
damnation. And yet I was sufficiently impressed by certain expressions to make a vow,
while
continuing
my yelps, never to forget them and, what is more, to ensure they should engender
others and finally, in an irresistible torrent, banish from my vile mouth all other
utterance, from my mouth spent in vain with vain inventions all other utterance but
theirs, the true at last, the last at last. But all is forgotten and I have done nothing,
unless what I am doing now is something, and nothing could give me greater satisfaction.
For if I could hear such a music at such a time, I mean while floundering through
a ponderous chronicle of moribunds in their courses, moving, clashing, writhing or
fallen in short-lived swoons, with how much more reason should I not hear it now,
when
supposedly
I am burdened with myself alone. But this is thinking again. And I see myself slipping,
though not yet at the last extremity, towards the resorts of fable. Would it not be
better if I were simply to keep on saying babababa, for example, while waiting to
ascertain the true function of this venerable organ? Enough questions, enough reasoning,
I resume, years later, meaning I suppose that I went silent, that I can go silent.
And now this noise again. That is all rather obscure. I say years, though here there
are no years. What matter how long? Years is one of Basil’s ideas. A short time, a
long time, it’s all the same. I kept silence, that’s all that counts, if that counts,
I have
forgotten
if that is supposed to count. And now it is taken from me again. Silence, yes, but
what silence! For it is all very fine to keep silence, but one has also to consider
the kind of silence one keeps. I listened. One might as well speak and be done with
it.
What liberty! I strained my ear towards what must have been my voice still, so weak,
so far, that it was like the sea, a far calm sea dying – no, none of that, no beach,
no shore, the sea is enough, I’ve had enough of shingle, enough of sand, enough of
earth, enough of sea too. Decidedly Basil is becoming
important
, I’ll call him Mahood instead, I prefer that, I’m queer. It was he told me stories
about me, lived in my stead, issued forth from me, came back to me, entered back into
me, heaped stories on my head. I don’t know how it was done. I always liked not knowing,
but Mahood said it wasn’t right. He didn’t know either, but it worried him. It is
his voice which has often, always, mingled with mine, and sometimes drowned it completely.
Until he left me for good, or refused to leave me any more, I don’t know. Yes, I don’t
know if he’s here now or far away, but I don’t think I am far wrong in saying that
he has ceased to plague me. When he was away I tried to find myself again, to forget
what he had said, about me, about my misfortunes, fatuous misfortunes, idiotic pains,
in the light of my true
situation
, revolting word. But his voice continued to testify for me, as though woven into
mine, preventing me from saying who I was, what I was, so as to have done with saying,
done with listening. And still today, as he would say, though he plagues me no more
his voice is there, in mine, but less, less. And being no longer renewed it will disappear
one day, I hope, from mine, completely. But in order for that to happen I must speak,
speak. And at the same time, I do not deceive myself, he may come back again, or go
away again and then come back again. Then my voice, the voice, would say, That’s an
idea, now I’ll tell one of Mahood’s stories, I need a rest. Yes, that’s how it would
happen. And it would say, Then refreshed, set about the truth again, with redoubled
vigour. To make me think I was a free agent. But it would not be my voice, not even
in part. That is how it would be done. Or quietly, stealthily, the story would begin,
as if nothing had happened and I still the teller and the told. But I would be fast
asleep, my mouth agape, as usual, I would look the same as usual. And from my sleeping
mouth the
lies would pour, about me. No, not sleeping, listening, in tears. But now, is it I
now, I on me? Sometimes I think it is. And then I realise it is not. I am doing my
best, and failing again, yet again. I don’t mind failing, it’s a pleasure, but I want
to go silent. Not as just now, the better to listen, but peacefully,