The Wall (The Woodlands) (33 page)

We stayed by the fire until it became
too dark too see the forest around us, enveloped in each other’s arms and company. This was exactly right and I didn’t want to leave, even if it was a false feeling. But, reminded of the great, striped creatures that stalked the night, we poured our cups of tea onto the fire and headed back to the hospital.

Matthew wasn
’t there but the nurse told us he said I could go home.

She handed me a bottle of pills and a bag
containing the clothes I’d worn that night. She told me I would have to come back to have the cast removed in two weeks.

I nodded and Joseph and I walked home hand in hand.

Home. I craved it and dreaded it at the same time. But when we got there, it looked the same as always. Its cracked and weathered shingles creaked in the cold. Its open shutters blinked at me and welcomed me in. It was just a building, and the violence and chaos it had housed were gone. I treaded lightly over the stone path and took the steps two at a time. Standing at the doorway, I watched the house sigh and expel the menace. It whirred out the opening and soared into the sky. Gone.

Orry cried out. T
he warmth of the woodstove poured over me like a wave. I heard Deshi creaking over the floorboards and calming Orry with his smooth voice. And I knew it was still home. My home.

I slipped comfortably back into my home
like a familiar, worn shoe. Deshi showed me how to make up a bottle for Orry, a process that was clumsy and time consuming. But I had to shake off the things I couldn’t control. Like dry leaves clinging to a coat, they floated to the ground and I stepped on them with a satisfying crunch.

I caught up with
Deshi at the door while Joseph was changing Orry’s nappy.

I grabbed his arm and
, for once, he didn’t shrink away. “Deshi, thank you. You’ve been a better friend than I deserve. I… I hope this hasn’t been too hard on you.” I knew my words were a bit incomplete but what could I say?
I’m sorry if Joseph and I playing house is difficult for you?

He put his hand on my shoulder and patted it.
“You know what? If you had died, that would have been hard. Watching what happened to him when he saw you lying there in front of the door… Rosa, I’ll never forget that face. I know things haven’t been easy between us but I am glad you’re ok. I want him to be happy.” Deshi eyes moved to Joseph struggling with Orry’s kicking legs as he tried to fasten the gurgling baby’s nappy.

It was rather inadequate
but I said, “I really want you to be happy too.”

Surprisingly,
he smiled at me, leaned down, and kissed my cheek. “I am.”

And with
that, I released him. He waved through the door. “See you tomorrow, Joe.”

Joseph grabbed Orry
’s legs with one hand to still them and managed a muffled “See ya” through his gritted teeth, a nappy pin hanging out the side of his mouth.

We settled Orry and placed him in his crib.
I stroked his head and watched his eyes flutter and close. I felt safe here. What was I thinking giving this up to chase down a mother who probably didn’t even want me? But I felt like I had no choice—I
had
to go. Mother was beaten down, and even if I only knew that feeling for one night, it was enough, enough to know no one deserves to feel that way.

When I finally fell
asleep, I dreamed a swirl of images that didn’t fit. I was dancing around my living room with Orry to the music Gwen had given me, laughing and throwing my head back, singing out of tune. Then I was running through the forest, a wolf’s snapping jaws at my heels. Then I was lying in bed with Joseph but thrashing around like the sheets were trying to strangle me. I fought my way free of them and landed with a thud on the floor but instead of the ground, I found myself pressed up against a Ring gate.

Staring through the
bars, I could see Paulo pushing a pram with a crying baby in it, rocking it back and forth violently. I yelled out at him to stop, he was frightening the child, and when he turned to face me, I was staring into the face of a man I could barely remember, except for those eyes, my eyes.

I woke up tied in a knot of sheets, Joseph nursing a welt across his eye.

“What happened?” I asked, though I knew.

“
You had another nightmare.” Another? He looked at me through half-open eyes, his hair sticking up on one side from being squished into the pillow. I stared at his impossible face for a moment before pain shot through me.

“
Ugh! My head.” I fumbled around on the nightstand, searching for the painkillers. As I swallowed them, I thought of my dream and shuddered.

Joseph
collapsed back into bed and mumbled, “C’mere,” opening his strong arms and folding me into them. He was soon asleep but my eyes were wide open. How was I going to get through this?

Joseph didn
’t want to leave but I pushed him out of the bed.

“
Go. I’ll be fine,” I said as convincingly as I could. “I want things to go back to normal. You go to the hospital and I will look after Orry at home.”

He left grudgingly but promised to come home early. I made sure I knew exactly what time.

I’d barely slept last night. I pulled Orry close, sleep wrapping its warm arms around me. It was dreamless. The lull of Orry’s snoring brought to me an uneasy peace, until I heard an impatient rapping at the door. The sharps taps felt like they were rattling inside my head. Would my brain ever return to normal and not feel like everything was inside out?

Unwelcome noises intrud
ed on my space. Glancing at the clock, it was nearly midday. I slid out of bed carefully and placed pillows on either side of Orry so he wouldn’t roll off the bed.

The rapping continued.

“Coming,” I yelled to the closed door.

As I slipped on my jeans and buttoned
my shirt, I could hear more than one voice on the other side, two men complaining to each other. I ran to the door and put my hand on the doorknob. Gripping it tightly, I took a deep breath and threatened myself to relax.

Gus stood right up against the screen door
, his small gut pushing through the wires, with Careen and a young man I didn’t recognize flanking him. But they faded into nothing as I looked at Gus and he frowned back at me.

I
’d always remarked they were similar but now I could really see it. I could see the truth of what Matthew had told me standing, disgruntled and awkward, at my front door. They were the same person, separated only by age. They had the same hair, although Gus’s was cropped close and he had a short, greying beard. It was the eyes that had my feet pushing me to turn and run. They had the same amber hue, the same long, black lashes framing such cruelty in Cal’s case. I kept telling myself over and over,
He’s not Cal. He’s not Cal
. But my body was shuddering and trying to hold me in. And keep him out.

Gus tried to pull the screen open but I was gripping it tightly
and it sprang back to the frame.

Careen stepped forward
and smiled. “Are you going to let us in?”

I nodded and stood back from the door
, feeling like I was edging away from a wild animal.

They marched in a
nd the younger man gave me a sideways glance, a mixture of surprise and disdain in his eyes.

Gus
’s face had been worried down to a weary point. He looked tired and impatient. His sat in my chair with a thump without asking and looked up at me, plumes of dust motes swirling in the afternoon sun. A sharp pain ran through me again and I found myself strategically moving behind the armchair, putting a physical barrier between the two of us.

It was silent. The words that no one wanted to say hung in the air like small balls of
lightning, sizzling and spitting little twirls of electric tendrils to the floor. I decided to strike first.

I opened my mouth to speak
, but sound petered out into vapor and Gus cut me off.

“
Matthew informed me of your request and it is out of the question. I am very sorry for what my son has done but you are not trained for this kind of mission. I won’t allow it,” Gus said bluntly.

I was
flattened, but anger pulled at my restraint, lifting the pancaked edges of my confidence away from the floor. All my carefully selected arguments flew out my head. He wasn’t going to listen to them anyway.
Who was he to tell me what I could and couldn’t do?

I razed my eyes across the room. Careen was smiling absently. The other man was watching
, interested, like a spectator. “You’re sorry?” I moved around the armchair and placed myself directly in front of him. “I’m sorry too. You will take me. Or I will bring this matter to the leaders. If you want me trained, I’ll train. I have a couple of weeks. You owe me this.” I looked up at the sky, as if pleading to the heavens. “At least this. I’m going. You saying ‘no’ means absolutely nothing to me.”

I turned my back to him and waited.
One, two, three. Don’t punch him. Let him think.

I heard a resigned sigh and the creaking of an old man
easing himself out of the chair, all cracks and grunts.

“
Fine. You have your wish. You will start training today,” Gus conceded, rubbing his bearded chin distractedly.

I thought of Cal tucking his hair behind his ears and tried to stop my eyes from widening and my breath quickening.

“Are you serious?” The young man argued, snapping his head back and forth between Gus and me. “She’s a child. She’ll only get in the way.”

Gus eyed the protestor
. “Pietre, you’ve just volunteered to be her instructor.” His face held a self-satisfied look that at least he could punish someone for this inconvenience.

“
I’ll help!” Careen was jumping up and down like she was being asked to hand out candy to children.

“
Oh, and she will need to be healed before you start.” Gus threw the words over his disappearing shoulder.

He
left us standing there.

A triangle of very different people
, eyeing each other with varying levels of suspicion and excitement.

I woke Orry and put him inside the capsule. Lifting it with his weight proved difficult
, as I was still weak and my broken arm made everything awkward. After a few attempts, Pietre’s patience ran short. He snatched the child from me and slung the capsule over his shoulder.