“I’m Nate,” I said, and took his small hand in mine.
“Jagger,” he replied, holding my gaze. “Someday, I’m going to marry Sierra, sir.”
I burst out laughing and glanced over at Miley, whose laughter matched my own. There was a determined look in his eye.
Who knew? Maybe someday, he would.
Sierra frowned at him. She pulled away from her mother and glared at Jagger with her hands on her hips.
“You won’t marry me, Jagger McGraw, unless I say so,” she snapped then proceeded to stick out her tongue at him.
The little boy grinned, looked up at me, and then shrugged his shoulders as if silently saying it was no big deal. “Chicks,” he mumbled, and my chest began shaking once again.
The kid was funny
.
“Sierra, that’s not nice,” Miley scolded, and it was all I could do not to snicker. Sierra was a miniature version of Miley, and together, those two were a handful.
“I’m not marrying him, Mommy,” Sierra argued, stomping her foot as she stared back at Miley with her chin thrust out in pure defiance.
Stubborn as can be
.
She then looked at Jagger and frantically shook her head no. She shoved her ponytail back over her shoulder eyeing him. “Besides, he can’t catch me!” she screamed, and instantly took off running with Jagger following right behind her.
He’d fallen for the oldest trick in the book
.
“Come on up to the house,” Kara yelled. “They’ll be fine!”
Miley smiled at me and we began walking toward the house.
I really didn’t want to do this. These people were Miley’s friends
. In the front yard, I watched as Jagger and Sierra ran circles around and around a flowerbed.
A hand hesitantly touched mine and I glanced over at Miley. I tried to paste on a smile when I took her hand. It was comforting to touch her. My fingers slid in between hers, anchoring her to me despite my reservations to keep my distance. There was a tinge of guilt, but I shoved it aside. I glanced at the house. Addie was watching us. I had to fight against the urge to let go of Miley’s hand.
There was no reason for me to feel guilty, but my heart refused to listen to reason. Regardless, I wouldn’t hurt Miley, not here in front of her friends and, especially, not in front of Addie. Miley squeezed my hand reassuringly as if somehow reading my thoughts.
What kind of man was paralyzed by the fear of the past repeating itself? A fucking coward.
When we reached the porch steps, I let go of Miley’s hand so she could walk up the steps ahead of me. My gaze drifted from Kara’s to lock on the woman holding the baby. Her smile was warm and friendly. “Hey, Miley,” Kara said, and briefly I caught parts of their conversation as my mind drifted. Absently, I heard Miley ask if Sierra had behaved herself.
The baby seemed fascinated by me, and I her. The big man who was now in her space. Wide dark blue eyes were framed by long dark lashes. Curiously, she observed me. She was dressed in pink with a tiny fist dripping of slobber shoved halfway into her mouth. My chest grew tight.
“She’s teething,” the woman explained. Suddenly, I realized I’d been staring. At the sound of her voice, my skin prickled with goosebumps. It was Addie, and she sounded just like Natalie had. My heart clenched with unwanted emotions. Before I embarrassed myself, I glanced away just in time only to feel arms wrap around me and a belly bump brush against my side.
“Sorry about that,” Kara said, smiling up at me. “The belly gets in the way.”
“It’s okay,” I replied. My smile slipping a notch at the mention of her pregnancy. The muscles in my face were stiff. I took a step back, putting some distance between us, and couldn’t help but notice the concerned expression on Kara’s face. It was just a hug, but it had made me feel as awkward as hell. It was too late to think up a reasonable lie to cover up my strange behavior when I was pretty sure she was already aware of the truth.
“It’s good to see you again, Nate,” she said, not missing a beat. “The men are out in the garage tinkering with Devon’s latest toy.”
A soft sigh escaped her lips. It wasn’t actually a toy, toy. It had to have an engine of some kind. I managed to genuinely smile back at her this time, but that awkward silence hung in the air between us
. Shit.
Miley and Addie were watching. They were waiting for me to say something, anything. At that moment I wished I were anywhere but here.
“What kind of new toy?” I finally asked. After all, I was curious.
“An old truck,” Kara answered, arching her slim dark blonde eyebrows at me. She peered past me to the driveway. “You like the classics, Nate?” she asked pointing at my truck.
“Of course.” I almost snorted.
Hell, it was pretty obvious since I drove a 1969 fully restored Ford F11.
She giggled at hearing my answer. “You’ll fit right in here,” she said and winked at me.
“We couldn’t help but notice the mini-van with the pink bow,” Miley said. Addie laughed, but Kara blushed.
“Devon insisted. I now have my mini-van to go along with our fairytale. Typical cliché. Devon had it custom ordered, and included all the little details to make it mine — right down to the Goddess Pink leather seats,” Kara explained, wearing a huge grin. Cliché or not, it was obvious she was happy. She absently patted her round stomach. When she gazed at me and Miley, her expression appeared almost thoughtful.
Whatever she was thinking, it needed to stop now.
“Nate, you remember Addie?” Kara asked.
There was no way I’d ever forget Addie.
Unconsciously, my hands clenched at my sides. I bit the inside of my cheek as I studied the sister of the girl I’d loved and lost so many years ago. It was impossible not to notice the similarities. Addie was a softer version of Natalie, but she held her own and was just as pretty. Curious, dark brown eyes stared back at me instead of hazel eyes flecked with gold.
“Hi, Nate. It’s good to see you again.”
“Hello, Addie.” My heart thudded like crazy. She shifted the baby in her arms, took a step toward me, and held out her hand.
Shit, I didn’t want to touch her.
I stared down at her hand. She was waiting. A slight touch along my lower back had my eyes flickering from Addie’s. Miley wrapped her arm around my waist. She smiled reassuringly at me.
Fuck, I was acting like a moron
.
I glanced back at Addie and, this time, took her hand. “I…Uh,” I stammered.
I was a bumbling idiot. I shouldn’t have come here. This had been a mistake.
“I’m glad you’re here, Nate,” Addie confessed, and I swallowed nervously, nodding in reply. I didn’t trust myself to speak. My tongue felt thick. My mouth incapable of forming words.
What the fuck was wrong with me?
“Do you mind if we take a walk?” Addie asked, and my heart pounded even faster thanks to her suggestion.
I wanted to say no, but instead I found myself nodding yes. She turned and handed the bundle in her arms to Kara. Soft lips brushed my chin; the smell of honeysuckle teased my nostrils as arms wrapped snugly around me. Without thinking, I automatically returned Miley’s hug. She edged even closer to me.
“You need this,” she whispered, and I lowered my head to brush my lips across her forehead.
I closed my eyes and inhaled her scent. My heart rate immediately slowed. There was something about the smell of her that calmed me. When she pulled away, I opened my eyes to find the three of them watching me. In that moment, I’d never felt more exposed or so unsure of myself in all of my life.
Hell, I’d faced down criminals, but put me in front of three women and a baby, and it was like facing off with a firing squad.
“Are you ready?” Addie asked, and I nodded in reply.
“When you two return, I’ll introduce you to the guys,” Kara said. Miley flashed me a grin as she skirted past me to pluck the baby from Kara’s arms.
Were they going to play hot potato with that kid?
What was it with women and babies anyway?
Following Addie down the steps, I could hear Miley behind me softly cooing to the baby. The gentleness of her tone tugged at something deep inside me. She was a good mother, but the possibility of even considering bringing another child into this world after losing one eluded me. Eventually… Miley would want more babies. Babies, I couldn’t give her. Someday, some lucky guy would call Miley and Sierra’s his, but that guy wouldn’t be me.
Jagger and Sierra ran up the walkway straight toward us. Sierra surprisingly launched herself at me. The impact of her small body crashing into mine was unexpected and caused me to stumble and take a step back. Arms were wrapped around my legs. I bent down and scooped her up, hearing her giggles as I wrapped her in my arms. Blue eyes the same shade as Miley’s stared back at me. She was out of breath and smiling.
“Love you, Nate,” she said, and my lips couldn’t help but curve upward. I was helpless against her. I squeezed her tight against my chest.
“Love you, too, princess,” I whispered softly near her ear before setting her down on her feet. She, too, was barefoot like Jagger. Her hand absently patted my cheek, and when I let her go, she took off running up the steps to join Jagger on the front porch.
“You’re good with her,” Addie said, and my eyes widened and flickered to hers. I’d completely forgotten all about her. She smiled at me and we continued to walk farther out into the yard heading for the flowerbed. “I’ve told Kara, numerous times, she actually has to weed her flowers for them to grow. Love her heart, but she doesn’t have a green thumb.”
Along the outside ring of the stone circle, the flowers were thick and full with pink, heady blooms, but the ones in the center, what few existed, were swallowed whole by weeds and stalky stems.
Hell, I wouldn’t even have noticed if she hadn’t pointed it out
.
I didn’t know a thing about flowers, but it seemed like this was nothing major. Nothing that a weed eater couldn’t take care of in less than five minutes flat. We continued walking, neither saying a word. I glanced over at her, and she smiled.
“I’m not sure where to start,” Addie hesitated, and we found ourselves standing in the driveway staring back at one another. I didn’t have a clue where to start either. There was so much I wanted to say, that needed to be said, but the words just wouldn’t come. This was awkward. Silence hung between us. Someone needed to say something.
“I loved your sister,” I blurted out, and immediately glanced away.
Way to go, Nate
.
Shit!
I ran a hand through my hair, silently wishing I’d just kept my big mouth shut.
“Look at me, Nate,” Addie pleaded, and once again, I found myself meeting her curious stare.
I’d never been so damn uncomfortable in all of my life.
“You didn’t do anything wrong. What happened to Natalie wasn’t anyone’s fault. It took me a long time to come terms with that, and to finally accept what happened so I could move on and get to the point in my life where I am now. I will always miss her. God, I miss her so much, but it’s not selfish to have a life. You’re not to blame, Nate, regardless of what my mother or anyone else may have told you.”
Tears sprung to my eyes. I didn’t expect to feel this way. I willed them away and ducked my head. My thoughts were spinning wildly out of control. I wanted to confess to Addie that I’d already spoken with her parents, to tell her what had happened, but my throat was too tight to speak.
“You’re a good man, Nathaniel Lee Lucas. My sister wouldn’t want you to close yourself off from everyone. She’d want you happy. She’d want you to love again. Believe you me, Nate, if you have a chance at happiness, you better grab ahold of it with both hands and hold on tight. If I learned anything from losing Natalie and from my past, it’s that life is way too short. It’s okay to want a little bit of that happiness for yourself. It doesn’t make you selfish. It doesn’t make you a bad person to love someone else besides Natalie either.”
Drawing in a deep breath, I lifted my head staring back at her. “Natalie’s a hard person to let go of,” I finally managed to say. Addie nodded her head while wiping away the tears that fell from her eyes. She was crying.
“I agree,” she said, her voice slightly wobbly. “It’s okay to still love her, but it’s all right to love someone else, too. She’s gone, Nate. There’s nothing left for you to hold onto but memories. You’re still here. God, I wanted so badly to talk to you after the accident, but I was afraid. I wished now that I had. Maybe we could have helped each other.”
Maybe we could have
. However, at that point in my life, there wasn’t a doubt in mind that I’d have turned her away. After the accident, I’d been too far gone for anyone to get close to me. I’d been trapped in my own private hell
.
“I didn’t even know she was pregnant,” I explained, my voice low and hoarse. I hadn’t meant to say the words out loud.
“I didn’t either, Nate, and I’m so sorry for your loss. We all lost so much the day she left, but we can’t live in the past,” Addie stated with a soft sigh. “I can see what’s going on between you and Miley. I don’t know if you’re aware of it or not. You care about her, Nate. You may even love her.”
Her perception and the truth of her words had me reeling.
Was I in love with her? Were my feelings that obvious?
I glanced toward the house searching for Miley. The porch was empty. She must have already gone inside.
“She used to have the biggest crush on you in high school. I can tell those feelings haven’t changed. If you love her, Nate, don’t throw away a chance for happiness. Don’t let fear keep you from loving again. There’s no promise of anything in this life, only the here and now. Be here, Nate… in the moment. Live for the now.”
A tear streaked down my cheek, and I turned from her gritting my teeth.
Fuck, I hated feeling this way.
I hated being weak. I hated allowing my emotions to get the best of me
.
“I need a moment to myself,” I said, and stiffened when I felt her lightly touch my arm. I refused to look at her.
“I love you, Nate. You were always like a big brother to me. I want you to be happy. Natalie would want that, too. When you’re ready, I’ll see you back at the house.”