The Way We Were (30 page)

Alice stared at the two rings, sitting side by side in their boxes on the bedside table. They represented two very different men and two very different sides of her life. She knew what she had to do. She knew she had to do the right thing. Her head told her to focus on Ben and her family … but every time she thought of Dan, her heart skipped a beat.

Things with Ben were improving. He was making a huge effort and she could see that the girls were more comfortable with him now. Jools acted as if he’d never been away and Holly was finally relaxed in his company. Alice could see how hard Ben had worked to make that happen and he was really trying with her too, but she couldn’t let go. When they had sex, she missed Dan. When Ben kissed her or touched her, she felt awkward and tense.

It would destroy a part of her, but she was clear that there was only one solution: remove Dan from her life. She felt she could do it this time. They were meeting tonight, to talk, and she had insisted they were in a public place, so she couldn’t give in to her physical desire for him, like last time. She had to stay in control. It was impossible to keep living this double life. She knew she had to make a choice and live with it. What she was doing now was hurtful and wrong. It couldn’t continue.

Ben came into the bedroom as she was dressing. ‘You look nice.’

‘Oh, thanks.’

‘Where are you off to?’

Alice avoided eye contact. ‘I just need to pop out for an hour.’

Ben froze. ‘Pop out where?’

Alice didn’t want to get into an argument before she met Dan. She was upset enough as it was. ‘Just out.’

‘Are you meeting Dan?’

Alice pulled up the zip of her boot. ‘Yes.’

‘I see.’ Ben’s jaw set.

‘I’m going to meet him to break up with him for good. Okay? Happy now? I’m giving him up for you.’

Ben looked into her eyes. ‘I don’t want you to stay with me out of a sense of pity or duty.’

Alice looked away. ‘It’s not that, it’s … We’re a family and I have to focus on that.’

‘We’re not a family if one of us wishes they were somewhere else all the time.’

‘I don’t.’

‘You check your phone a hundred times a day, you switch off during most of our conversations and you’re constantly distracted.’

Alice felt anger bubbling up inside her. ‘Jesus, Ben, I’m doing my best. It’s not easy when your dead husband walks through the door. I’m trying to adjust. Give me a break here.’

‘You’re not the only one it’s difficult for, Alice. We’re all adjusting.’

‘Well, maybe I’m going to take longer than you. Maybe I changed more than you did. Maybe I had to change to get through the mess you left behind.’

Ben closed his eyes. ‘You have to let it go, Alice. We can never put this behind us if you don’t let go. I’m sorry. I hate
myself for what I did, but I can’t change it. All I can do is try to make it up to you, but I can’t do that if you won’t let me. I know I was selfish. Jesus Christ, I’ve apologized a million times to you and the girls. I know I was an idiot. I’ve regretted it every day since the day I walked out of here and got on that plane. I’ve tortured myself about it, but I can’t undo it. I don’t know many ways to say I’m sorry. The girls have forgiven me. Why can’t you?’

Alice yanked on her other boot and stood up, shaking with anger. ‘Maybe it’s because I sat here and watched their hearts breaking. I spent two years holding them up, supporting them and trying to fix their heartbreak. I had to make sure they didn’t spiral into depression or go off the rails. They were so shattered and so fragile emotionally, I was terrified for them. I did everything I could to keep them safe and secure, and I think I did a bloody good job. They’re really well adjusted despite all of the turmoil.’

Ben paused. ‘Did you know Jools was self-harming?’

Alice stood still. ‘What?’

‘She’s been cutting herself.’

What the hell was he talking about? Jools didn’t cut herself. ‘Bullshit.’

‘When was the last time you saw her arms?’

Alice thought about it. She had noticed that Jools always wore long sleeves but she’d put it down to a teenage fashion thing. She’d never suspected anything. Had she really missed it? Self-harm? Oh, Jesus.

‘Her arms are always covered because they’re marked with scars.’

‘How do you know?’

‘She told me.’

Alice’s legs began to shake. She sat on the bed. How had she missed it? How could she not have known that Jools
was hurting herself? She’d thought she’d been on top of things. She’d thought she knew everything. She’d thought she’d protected them and given them all the emotional support they needed.

‘How long has it been going on?’

‘She said she did it on and off for about a year. She stopped a few months ago.’

‘Poor Jools.’ Alice began to cry.

Ben came over and tried to put his arm around her but she moved away. She didn’t want him near her. She was furious that he had dumped this on her, right now, and clearly thought she was at fault.

‘I suppose you think I did a bad job, missing the fact that my daughter was slicing her arms open?’

‘No, I don’t. I just want you to stop blaming me. We can’t move forward if you don’t forgive me, Alice. I’m not perfect, but neither are you.’

Alice narrowed her eyes. ‘Are you seriously going to try to turn this on me? Are you trying to say I messed up?’

‘No!’ Ben stood up and went to light a cigarette.

‘Don’t you dare light that thing. I’m sick of the house stinking of cigarettes. You know I hate the smell. I put up with it at first, but you have to go outside if you want to smoke. It makes me feel nauseous. And, by the way, I know Jools smokes. I didn’t miss everything. I’m not a bad mother.’

Ben put the cigarette down. ‘I never said you were. I just want you to stop being angry. You’re so tense all the time that I can’t talk to you. I want to get close to you again, Alice. Stop pushing me away.’

‘I’m not.’ Alice was defensive. ‘I’m just trying to deal with everything that’s going on and make sure the girls are okay and earn money and look after everyone.’

Ben placed his hand on her arm. ‘You don’t have to do
everything on your own. I’m here. I can help. I’m back now. You don’t need anyone else. Let Dan go.’

Alice felt herself beginning to panic. She was having trouble breathing. It was all too much. She had to get out of there. She picked up her coat. ‘I have to go.’

Ben put out his hand to stop her, but she brushed past him. ‘I love you, Alice. I love you more than any other man possibly could.’

Alice was crying as she ran down the stairs.

Dan was sitting in the window of the café, typing into his BlackBerry. As she approached, Alice paused to observe him. He was so confident and strong and sexy. It was going to be so difficult to let him go. Why was life so cruel? What had she done to deserve so much upheaval and pain?

As if sensing he was being watched, Dan looked up and saw her. A slow smile spread across his face and Alice felt her stomach plummet. It was going to be so hard to give him up. He represented ease and no worries, like a slice of perfection she could shelter in whenever things got rough. Life with him would be uncomplicated, she was sure of that. He was so attentive, so in love with her, it would all be so easy. And that ease was incredibly tempting, to fall into it, let herself go and give herself up to it. She felt her resolve crumbling, her mind starting to wonder if there was an alternative … An image of Jools popped into her head. How could she have been so caught up in her romance that she had missed her daughter’s self-harming? The guilt of that burnt in her chest. She dug deep within herself to find courage, then put her shoulders back and walked to Dan’s table.

When she reached him, he stood up and pulled her into his arms. She rested her face in his neck.

‘Oh dear, this is going to hurt, isn’t it?’ he whispered.

‘Yes,’ she said, trying not to cry.

They sat down opposite each other and held hands. They stared into each other’s eyes, not speaking.

‘Thank you.’ Alice broke the silence.

‘You don’t have to thank me.’

‘Yes, I do. You were so wonderful to me. I was so happy with you. You are such a good man.’

‘Oh, God, those past tenses are killing me.’

‘I have to … I have to …’ Tears spilt down Alice’s cheeks. ‘I don’t want to, I really don’t, but I have to …’

‘I know.’ Dan wiped away her tears with his hand. ‘I know, darling.’

‘I wish it was different. I’m so confused and angry and tired. I hate this. I hate letting you go. I’m so sorry, Dan.’

‘Hey, you’re an incredible woman. I’m very glad you came into my life. We had a great time. But you have to give your marriage a go, I get it. He’s a lucky man.’

‘I don’t even know if it’s going to work. I don’t know if I love him enough. I don’t know anything any more. I feel as if I’ve been robbed of happiness again.’

‘I know that feeling.’ Dan smiled sadly.

‘Oh, Dan, this is so unfair to you. I’m so sorry.’

‘Stop apologizing. It’s not your fault. None of us could have foreseen what happened. Just one of those things, as my own father would have said.’

Alice reached into her pocket, took out the Cartier box and placed it on the table in front of him.

‘I bought that for you. It’s yours.’

‘I can’t keep it.’

‘You can, Alice. I’m saying you can. It was intended as a lifelong gift and that’s just what I want it to be.’

Alice gulped back tears. ‘No, Dan, I really can’t. I know you want me to, but as long as I have it in my possession, in
my house, it says that my heart is split in two, and I can’t live like that. I have to choose one life and live it. It’s wrong to keep it, disrespectful to you and to Ben.’

‘But you can’t erase me out of your life. We happened, Alice. We were real. I love you, and I want you to keep a symbol of all that. Don’t discard it. You may eventually change your mind.’

She could see that he was getting angry. Why shouldn’t he be angry? she thought. He’s become the fall guy in a situation not of his making and that he can’t control, which he must hate. His insistence was probably a desire to exert some control over things, but that was a luxury she just couldn’t give him. ‘Please don’t be angry, Dan,’ she said. ‘I don’t want to leave here with bad feeling between us. But I need you to understand that I have to give you up, which means I have to give up this gift. It’s important that I do that.’

Dan sighed impatiently. ‘All right, Alice. I don’t really understand, but if it’s important to you, I’ll go along with it.’ He looked at her sadly. ‘Alice, is this what you really want, in your heart of hearts?’

She couldn’t meet his eyes. The burning sensation in her chest was back and it was taking all her strength to hold herself together. Into her hands she whispered, ‘No.’

Dan reached across the table and grabbed her hands, kissing them, holding on to her. ‘Then, please, choose us. I know it won’t be easy, but you just say one word to me right now, Alice, just say yes, and I promise you, this time next year all the hard bit will be long over and you’ll be wondering why you even considered going back to him. You’ll be happy, Alice. I’ll work so hard to make sure the girls are happy, too, give them whatever they want. Stella is one hundred per cent behind us. We can be happy – you just have to say the word. That’s all. I know I’m the man for you, Alice. I know I can
make you happier than he can. Stop fighting it and just accept that it’s the truth, even if you feel bad for admitting it. Put this ring back on your finger and don’t even go back there. Come home with me now. We’ll sort it out.’

He was staring at her, willing her to give the ‘right’ answer, willing her to choose him.

‘Dan, if Ben hadn’t come back, I would have married you and lived out my life with you. But he did come back. I can’t change that, and nor can you. And I made a promise to him on our wedding day that we would do this for better or worse. This is the worst worse we’ve gone through, but I have to try to see it through. I owe it to my family.’ She drew his hands towards her and kissed them. ‘I have to let you go, Dan. I’m so sorry.’

Dan pulled his hands away and sat back in his seat. He looked weary and angry – a man who had given it his all, only to be rejected. ‘Okay. There’s nothing more I can say or do. You’ve made your decision. Go home and give it your best shot. If for some reason it doesn’t work out, which I don’t think it will, call me.’

Alice nodded, unable to speak now as the tears ran down her cheeks. They stood up, embraced, and Alice gave Dan a final kiss. Then she walked out of the restaurant and away from the life she wanted to live.

Mummy knocked on my bedroom door and asked if she could speak to me. I was lying on my bed, reading. She had her serious face on and I was terrified she was going to tell me she was leaving Daddy for Dan. I felt sick and panicky. I sat up, gripping my duvet because I was so scared of what she was going to say.

‘Holly, I need to ask you if there was anything I missed while Daddy was away.’

‘What do you mean?’ I was puzzled by the question.

‘I mean, did you have any problems I missed, like issues in school or with friends or with grief in general?’

‘No, Mummy, nothing I didn’t tell you about. I did have to have the calculator near me all the time, but now that Daddy’s back I don’t need it. Why are you asking?’

Mummy was twisting her hands together and I could see she was trying not to cry. ‘I may have missed something with Jools. I feel terrible about it and I want to make sure there’s nothing I failed to notice with you. Did you ever feel so sad that you couldn’t cope and wanted to … well …’

It suddenly hit me: she knew about Jools cutting herself.

‘How did you find out about Jools?’

‘My God, you knew?’ Mummy was crushed. ‘How did I not see it? You were just a little girl and you knew.’ She looked so shocked. ‘Christ, how bad a mother have I been?’

‘You’re a brilliant mother,’ I said. ‘Jools was very secretive
and I only knew about it because I walked in on her one time. That’s all.’

She took a deep breath and sat down on my bed beside me.

‘How did you find out?’ I asked.

‘Dad told me. But why didn’t you say anything at the time, Holly? You should have told me, pet. It’s dangerous, she –’

‘Don’t blame Holly.’

Jools was standing behind us in the doorway.

‘I made her swear not to tell you. I never wanted you to know. You had enough to deal with and I knew you’d freak out.’

Mummy stood up and went over to Jools. ‘Of course I’d freak out. Jesus, Jools, you could have killed yourself.’

Jools rolled her eyes. ‘I was careful.’

‘I’m so sorry I missed it. I should have noticed. I should have protected you.’

‘Oh, God, don’t get all emotional, it’s fine. It’s over. Dad shouldn’t have told you.’

‘Have you really stopped?’ Mummy asked.

‘Shortly after you met Dan. I don’t know why, everything seemed to settle down and the house was calmer and less sad and … I just didn’t need it any more.’

Mummy bit her lip. ‘I wanted to tell you both that I’ve ended it with Dan. I met him and gave back the ring and told him it was really over.’

Jools was smiling. I was glad but I felt sorry for Dan. He must have been so upset.

Mummy was staring at Jools. ‘I can’t bear to think of you in so much pain that you cut yourself. I wish you’d told me – I could have helped. I’m your mother – it’s my job to notice – and I’m a bloody
doctor
. How did I miss it? I’m so sorry.’

Jools shook her shoulder. ‘Stop it. Stop blaming yourself.
I was an idiot. Now I’m fine and it’s over. You were brilliant when Dad wasn’t here. You did everything for us, Mum. You were the best mother in the world. You have nothing to be sorry for.’

That set Mummy off because Jools never says nice things to her. Mummy sobbed and sobbed.

Jools put her arm around her and leant her head against Mummy’s. She looked like she was the mother comforting the child.

‘It’s okay, it’s okay now, it’s okay, Mum,’ Jools said over and over. ‘You’re fine, I’m fine, Holly’s fine, Dad’s fine. It’s all okay. We’ll be okay.’

Mummy nodded, but she kept crying. She cried like her world was ending.