The Way We Were (29 page)

‘Yes, I do,' said Em after a moment. ‘Shall I come with you? I can act as a distraction.'

Julia began to laugh nervously. ‘I can't believe this is happening,' she said. ‘That we're actually planning to steal the Merlin from Caroline and Zack. It's crazy.'

‘It's necessary' said Em grimly. ‘Let me know when we can go. Shall you phone Caroline?'

‘I shall do it straightaway. I'm trying to think of a good excuse for an urgent trip to Tavistock tomorrow. I shan't relax until we've found the Merlin.'

Em put down the telephone, wondering how easy it would be to remove the Merlin from Chapel Street. Would Caroline notice its absence or was it just an odd little statue that belonged to Zack that wouldn't be missed? Em bit her lip: who could have imagined that Tiggy's little mascot should now be such a threat to her child?

‘I shan't sleep a wink tonight,' Julia had said.

Her voice had been full of distress and fear, and it reminded Em of another crisis, long ago, six months after Tiggy's death.

1977

Em, stopping work mid-morning to make herself some coffee, sees the car pull up, glimpses the desperate expression on Julia's face, and hurries out to meet her on the garden steps.

‘I think Pete's having an affair with Angela,' Julia says before she's even reached the top step.

Em gathers her into the house. She is fearful but determined not to let Julia see her anxiety.

‘I don't believe it,' says Em. It's not quite true – but she sounds so strong and sure that Julia stares at her almost hopefully. Her blue eyes are drowned with tears, her cheeks bright red with rubbing. Her thick fair hair is pushed back behind a navy-blue velvet band and she looks just like Liv; Em's heart is pierced with pain.

‘Come and sit down beside the fire,' she says. ‘Where are Charlie and Zack?'

‘At home with Linda.' Julia stares round her rather blankly, as if she doesn't quite know where she is. ‘It's her cleaning day and she never minds keeping an eye on the children, and they adore her. I just had to get out for a moment. You know how it is?'

Suddenly her mouth twists uncontrollably awry, tears jump from her eyes and she sits down quickly beside the fire on a little stool, covering her face with her hands. Aunt Em is shocked by this distraught and frightened Julia. Such abandon is out of character. Even at that terrible moment when she and Tiggy arrived back at Trescairn in the storm, Julia was in control, distracting the twins, calling an ambulance; and after Tiggy's death she managed to control her own grief and guilt, keeping strong and courageous so as to be able to care for the children and for Zack. Looking at her now, Em wonders whether they've all been deceived by her show of strength; unaware that Julia's burden has been far too heavy for her.

‘Tell me why you think Pete is having an affair,' Em says, sitting on the edge of the fender beside Julia. She touches her lightly on the head, smoothing the thick hair, noticing its dryness, and waits for Julia to blot her cheeks and blow her nose.

‘He's been lying to me,' she says at last. ‘When the boat went into Faslane he said he'd be spending the night with Martin and Angela. They've got a married quarter in Smuggler's Way. Only now it seems that Martin was at sea.'

‘Even if that's true, it doesn't mean that Pete's having an affair with Angela.'

Julia stares into the fire, biting her lips. ‘I asked him once before,' she says miserably Just after Tiggy died and I was a bit emotional. He was very late home a few times and I knew Martin was at sea then too.'

Em's heart skips and bumps. ‘What did he say?'

‘He didn't answer directly. He lost his temper and said that I was neurotic about Angela and … other things.'

Em is silent.

‘He wouldn't answer, you see,' says Julia into the silence. ‘He just stormed about and made it sound as if it was all me. That I was jealous, unreasonable, that I didn't trust him. But he never actually denied it. Then Zack started crying, which set Charlie off, and Pete stormed out and said he was taking the dogs for a walk. It's so infuriating, having someone walk out on you in the middle of a row. I can never have the luxury of it because of the children.'

‘Oh, darling, I'm so sorry' says Em helplessly ‘It must be very difficult for you.'

Julia straightens up, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand and trying to smile. ‘It's not altogether Pete's fault. I haven't been very easy to live with since Tiggy … since Tiggy …' The passionate storm of weeping takes them both by surprise and Em leans forward, holding Julia tightly until it passes.

‘Sorry' gasps Julia at last. ‘Sorry. I've never done that before, you know. Never really cried, not properly. There's never seemed to be the right moment. Pete gets angry because he feels helpless and when I'm alone I'm always afraid that the children might hear and be frightened. Oh God, Aunt Em, I still can't forget it all.'

‘You'll never forget it all,' says Em gently. ‘How could you? But you can try to stop tormenting yourself uselessly Julia, you couldn't have left her alone in the car.'

‘I could have run home.' Her head is bowed; the tears stream ceaselessly down, soaking her knees. ‘I'm sure it was making her walk all that way when she was already in labour. I could have grabbed your car and gone back for her. I've been over it and over it, how I could have done it differently. Anyway, it's not just that.'

Em sees that it is necessary for Julia to release the whole burden of her pain and says nothing: she waits.

‘I lost my own baby at the same time,' Julia says bleakly at last. ‘I have Zack, of course, and I love him, but that doesn't make up for losing my own baby. I sometimes feel resentful and then I feel guilty about that too. When I woke up this morning I just knew that today was the day she would have been born. I lost her and I can't get over it.'

Julia weeps again and Em swallows back her own tears. ‘I didn't know,' she says sorrowfully. ‘I had no idea you were pregnant.'

‘Nobody knew. Only me and Tiggy and Pete. I was waiting to be absolutely certain. Pete tries to be kind about it but he doesn't truly understand. He thinks that because I was only three months' pregnant it's not so bad. But it was my
baby
.'

The last word is ragged, painfully screamed out as if Julia is torn inside with grief, and Em sits quite still, mechanically stroking Julia's hair.

Julia raises her head. ‘The other thing is that I really miss Tiggy. I can't believe she's dead. In those last few months we were like sisters. I can't believe I'll never see her again. I really loved her. It's what gets me through the bad days when I resent Zack because he's not mine. I love him. I
do
love him because he was Tiggy's. But sometimes it's hard and I feel so guilty.' She scrubs at her face again. ‘And that's why I don't know about Pete. I wonder if I am mad, like he said, or whether he's bluffing me. God, I hate Angela.'

‘I can sympathize with that,' says Em, ‘but you're playing her game, you see. You must stop.'

Julia stares at her, puzzled, momentarily distracted from her grief. ‘How do you mean?'

‘Fear is disabling, and Angela is controlling the game because you allow her to frighten you. First she sows the seeds of fear in your mind and then stands back to allow your distorted perception of the danger to enable them to grow. You become wary, get jealous and make accusations: Pete is hurt, grows resentful and feels misjudged. She wants to undermine the firm ground of your relationship so she keeps the topsoil fertile by scattering little juicy hints here and there and then showers allusions over it so that your terrors flower and blossom correspondingly. Instead of seeing them as a crop of rank weeds, you encourage them with a nice mixture of doubt and fear so that their roots spread, grow strong and invade your secure territory. Angela and Pete don't need to have an affair, Julia. Your marriage can be destroyed perfectly well without that, and Angela knows it.'

By now Julia is wide-eyed, longing to be convinced.

‘You sound so sure,' she says wistfully.

‘Oh, I am,' says Em. ‘I don't believe for a minute that Pete feels anything for Angela except guilt. He dropped her for you and somehow she's made him feel just a bit of a heel about it. Enough to keep him twitching a bit. She's clever, is Angela. She's the sort of woman who can't let any man go but likes to demonstrate her power by an ongoing flirtation. Men never seem to have the courage to resist this, probably due to some misguided idea of chivalry or maybe it's just vanity, but whatever it is their wives and girlfriends resent it. They should tell these women to sling their hooks.'

Julia manages a smile. ‘First you were being horticultural and now you're being nautical, Aunt Em,' she says.

Em grimaces. Archie had one or two Angelas hanging around,' she says feelingly. ‘Don't go along with it, Julia. Don't allow Angela to manipulate you.'

Julia sits hunched, elbows on knees, chin in hands. ‘It's easier said than done.'

‘Of course it is, but you can try. At least they aren't living nearby any longer.'

‘Well, that's why I was so furious. I really thought she was out of my hair at last.'

‘Who told you that Pete spent the night with Angela in Faslane while Martin was at sea?' asks Em curiously.

‘A mutual friend who lives in Smuggler's Way. Well, she's not really a friend, more an acquaintance. She said that she saw the taxi outside Angela's house yesterday morning and Pete leaving. She made a joke of it, of course, but she thought I ought to know.'

‘Ah. We all need friends like that.'

‘Well, I
would
want to know,' says Julia defensively. ‘If Pete was being unfaithful, I mean. Imagine the humiliation of discovering that everyone knows but you.'

‘You said that she's a mutual friend – perhaps she's more Angela's friend than yours and she was put up to it. If she's not a close friend why should she phone you unless it was to make a point on Angela's behalf? Do you know, I should say nothing to Pete about this if I were you. Play a waiting game and see what happens.'

Julia is silent. Em watches her compassionately. ‘Have you time for some coffee?'

Julia shakes her head. ‘I must get back to the children. They'll be wondering where I am. It was a really bad moment and I needed to get out. I'm sorry Aunt Em. When I woke up this morning I just knew that today would have been my baby's birthday. I don't know how I got through breakfast and the twins off to school without screaming. I simply couldn't bear it another moment and I knew that if I was going to break down I'd want it to be with you. Sorry.'

‘Don't be sorry' says Em firmly. ‘I'm very glad you were able to do it, Julia. You can't keep things pent up indefinitely. Something cracks sooner or later.'

‘It's just that you feel you have to be strong, don't you? Especially with children around all the time. And I miss Tiggy so much. I had no idea how grief takes you by surprise, Aunt Em. It's little things. Hearing Elton John and Kiki Dee singing “Don't Go Breaking My Heart”. Tiggy loved that song. She used to dance round with Charlie, singing it to him. And every time someone comes to the door, the poor old Turk leaps up and goes rushing out hoping it's her. She comes back looking so miserable. The twins are much better now but it was awful to begin with, trying to explain. They wanted to keep the van but, oh God, every time I looked at it I remembered all those wonderful times we had.'

Her weeping this time is only a little less desperate and Em continues to sit beside her, feeling helpless and willing down her own grief.

‘Tiggy was very special,' she says sadly. ‘To all of us.'

Julia draws a deep uneven breath. ‘Well, at least we have Zack,' she says. ‘He's special too. And I'd better get back and give him a feed.'

‘Look,' says Em, ‘if you can give me a lift, I'll come back with you. Archie can pick me up later when he gets home. I'll leave him a note. Why not? I think you need a bit of extra support today.'

Julia smiles gratefully. ‘You give me masses of support,' she says. ‘I'd never have managed these last months without you. But yes, please. I'd like that.'

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

2004

Val lay in bed, waiting for Chris. It was a hot night and she was naked under the thin sheet. She could hear the hum of the shower through the half-open door and the hiss of water on the floor and tiles. When he came through to the bedroom, hair on end, a towel round his waist, she raised herself on one elbow. His glance was so wary that for a brief moment she saw the lighter side of their situation and began to laugh. He watched her almost suspiciously and she made a face at him, half rueful, half pleading.

‘Don't look so alarmed,' she said. ‘You can sit down. I won't jump on you.'

He sat down, propping himself with pillows, legs stretched out, and she edged in under his arm and laid her cheek against his damp skin.

‘I know I've been a bit over the top,' she said. ‘It's just that it means a lot. You can understand that, can't you?'

‘I can understand it,' he said, ‘but I hate the way it's become so mechanical. I can't believe you'll ever get pregnant while you're so damned tense about it.'