Feeling the weight of lost opportunity, I didn’t continue. I rubbed my forehead in the silence. I pushed my plate aside, and as the past sped by in a series of disheartening memories, I felt Jane’s eyes on me. Surprising me, however, she reached across the table and touched my hand.
“Wilson? Are you okay?” There was a note of tender concern in her voice that I didn’t quite recognize.
I nodded. “Yes.”
“Can I ask you a question?”
“Of course.”
“Why all the regrets tonight? Was it something that Daddy said?”
“No.”
“Then what made you bring it up?”
“I don’t know . . . maybe it’s the wedding.” I gave a halfhearted smile. “But I’ve been thinking about those things a lot these days.” “It doesn’t sound like something you’d do.”
“No, it doesn’t,” I admitted. “But it’s still true.”
Jane cocked her head. “I haven’t been perfect, either, you know.”
“You’ve been a lot closer than I’ve been.”
“That’s true,” she said with a shrug.
I laughed despite myself, feeling the tension ease a little.
“And yes, you have worked a lot,” she went on. “Probably too much. But I always knew you were doing it because you wanted to provide for our family. There’s a lot to be said for that, and I was able to stay home and raise the kids because of it. That was always important to me.”
I smiled, thinking about her words and the forgiveness I heard in them. I was a lucky man, I thought, and I leaned across the table.
“You know what else I’ve been thinking about?” I asked.
“Is there more?”
“I was trying to figure out why you married me in the first place.” Her expression softened. “Don’t be so hard on yourself. I wouldn’t have married you unless I wanted to.”
“Why did you marry me?”
“Because I loved you.”
“But why?”
“There were a lot of reasons.”
“Like what?”
“You want specifics?”
“Humor me. I just told you all my secrets.”
She smiled at my insistence.
“All right. Why I married you . . . Well, you were honest and hardworking and kind. You were polite and patient, and more mature than any guy I’d dated before. And when we were together, you listened in a way that made me feel like I was the only woman in the world. You made me feel complete, and spending time with you just seemed right.”
She hesitated for a moment. “But it wasn’t just about my feelings. The more I got to know you, the more I was certain that you’d do whatever it took to provide for your family. That was important to me. You have to understand that back then, a lot of people our age wanted to change the world. Even though it’s a noble idea, I knew I wanted something more traditional. I wanted a family like my parents had, and I wanted to concentrate on my little corner of the world. I wanted someone who wanted to marry a wife and mother, and someone who would respect my choice.”
“And have I?”
“For the most part.”
I laughed. “I notice you didn’t mention my dashing good looks or dazzling personality.”
“You wanted the truth, right?” she teased.
I laughed again, and she squeezed my hand. “I’m just kidding. Back then, I used to love how you looked in the mornings, right after you put on your suit. You were tall and trim, a young go-getter out to make a good life for us. You were very attractive.”
Her words warmed me. For the next hour—while we perused the catering menu over coffee and listened to the music floating up from downstairs—I noticed her eyes occasionally on my face in a way that felt almost unfamiliar. The effect was quietly dizzying. Perhaps she was remembering the reasons she’d married me, just as she’d related them to me. And though I couldn’t be absolutely certain, her expression as she gazed at me made me believe that every now and then, she was still glad that she had.
Chapter Ten
On Tuesday morning, I woke before dawn and slid out of bed, doing my best not to wake Jane. After dressing, I slipped through the front door. The sky was black; even the birds hadn’t begun to stir, but the temperature was mild, and the asphalt was slick from a shower that had passed through the night before.
Already I could feel the first hint of the day’s coming humidity, and I was glad to be out early.
I settled into an easy pace at first, then gradually quickened my stride as my body began to warm up. Over the past year, I’d come to enjoy these walks more than I thought I would. Originally, I figured that once I’d lost the weight that I wanted, I’d cut back, but instead I added a bit of distance to my walks and made a point of noting the times of both my departure and my return.
I had come to crave the quiet of the mornings. There were few cars out at this hour, and my senses seemed heightened. I could hear my breath, feel the pressure as my feet moved over the asphalt, watch the dawn as it unfolded—at first a faint light on the horizon, an orange glow over the treetops, then the steady displacement of black by gray. Even on dreary mornings, I found myself looking forward to my walks and wondering why I’d never exercised like this before.
My walk usually took forty-five minutes, and toward the end, I slowed my pace to catch my breath. There was a thin sheen of sweat on my forehead, but it felt good. Noticing the kitchen light at my house was already on, I turned into our driveway with an eager smile.
As soon as I pushed through the front door, I caught the aroma of bacon wafting from the kitchen, a scent that reminded me of our earlier life. When there were children in the house, Jane usually prepared a family breakfast, but our differing schedules in recent years had brought them to an end. It was yet another change that had somehow overtaken our relationship.
Jane poked her head around the corner as I padded through the living room. She was already dressed and wearing an apron.
“How’d your walk go?” she asked.
“I felt pretty good,” I said, “for an old guy, that is.” I joined her in the kitchen. “You’re up early.”
“I heard you leave the bedroom,” she said, “and since I knew there was no way I’d fall asleep again, I decided to get up. Want a cup of coffee?” “I think I need some water first,” I said. “What’s for breakfast?” “Bacon and eggs,” she said, reaching for a glass. “I hope you’re hungry. Even though we ate so late last night, I was still hungry when I got up.” She filled the glass from the tap and handed it to me. “Must be nerves,” she said with a grin.
As I took the glass, I felt her fingers brush mine. Perhaps it was just my imagination, but her gaze seemed to linger on me a little longer than usual.
“Let me go shower and throw on some clean clothes,” I said. “How much longer till breakfast is ready?”
“You’ve got a few minutes,” she said. “I’ll get the toast going.” By the time I came back downstairs, Jane was already serving up at the table. I sat next to her.
“I’ve been thinking about whether or not to stay overnight,” she said.
“And?”
“It’ll depend on what Dr. Barnwell says when he calls. If he thinks Daddy’s doing well, I might as well head on to Greensboro. If we don’t find a dress, that is. Otherwise I’ll just have to make the drive tomorrow anyway. But I’ll have my cell phone in case anything happens.”
I crunched on a piece of bacon. “I don’t think you’ll need it. Had he taken a turn for the worse, Dr. Barnwell would have called already. You know how much he cares for Noah.”
“I’m still going to wait until I talk to him, though.”
“Of course. And as soon as visiting hours start, I’ll head in to see Noah.”
“He’ll be grouchy, you know. He hates hospitals.”
“Who doesn’t? Unless you’re having a baby, I can’t imagine anyone liking them.” She buttered her toast. “What are you thinking about doing with the house? Do you really think there’ll be enough room for everyone?” I nodded. “If we get the furniture out, there should be plenty of room. I figured we’d just store it in the barn for a few days.” “And you’ll hire someone to move it all?”
“If I have to. But I don’t think I’ll need to. The landscaper has a fairly large crew coming. I’m sure he won’t mind if they take a few minutes to help me.” “It’ll be kind of empty, won’t it?”
“Not once we have the tables inside. I was thinking of setting up the buffet line next to the windows, and we can leave an area open for dancing right in front of the fireplace.”
“What dancing? We don’t have any music arranged.” “Actually, that was on my agenda for today. Along with getting the cleaners set up and dropping off the menu at the Chelsea, of course.” She tilted her head, scrutinizing me. “You sound like you’ve put a lot of thought into this.”
“What do you think I was doing this morning while I was walking?”
“Panting. Wheezing. The usual.”
I laughed. “Hey, I’m actually getting in fairly good shape. I passed someone today.”
“The old man in the walker again?”
“Ha, ha,” I said, but I was enjoying her high spirits. I wondered if it had anything to do with the way she’d looked at me the night before. Whatever the reason, I knew I wasn’t imagining it. “Thanks for making breakfast, by the way.” “It’s the least I could do. Considering the fact that you’ve been such a big help this week. And you’ve made dinner twice.”
“Yes,” I agreed, “I have been quite the saint.”
She laughed. “I wouldn’t go that far.”
“No?”
“No. But without your help, I would have been insane by now.”
“And hungry.”
She smiled. “I need your opinion,” she said. “What do you think about something sleeveless for this weekend? With a cinched waist and a medium train?” I brought my hand to my chin and considered this. “Sounds okay,” I said. “But I think I’d look better in a tuxedo.”
She tossed me a look of exasperation, and I raised my hands in mock innocence.
“Oh, for Anna,” I said. Then, mimicking what Noah had said, I went on, “I’m sure she’ll be beautiful no matter what she wears.”
“But don’t you have an opinion?”
“I don’t even know what a cinched waist is.”
She sighed. “Men.”
“I know,” I said, imitating her sigh. “It’s a wonder how we function in society at all.”
Dr. Barnwell called the house a little after eight. Noah was fine, and they expected to release him later that day or, at the latest, the next. I breathed a sigh of relief and put Jane on the phone. She listened as he went over the same information. After hanging up, she called the hospital and spoke to Noah, who prodded her to go with Anna.
“Looks like I might as well pack,” she said as she hung up.
“Might as well.”
“Hopefully, we’ll find something today.”
“But if not, just enjoy your time with the girls. This only happens once.” “We’ve still got two more kids to go,” she said happily. “This is only the beginning!”
I smiled. “I hope so.”
An hour later, Keith dropped Anna off at the house, small suitcase in hand. Jane was still upstairs gathering her things, and I opened the front door as Anna was coming up the walk. Surprise of surprises, she was dressed in black.
“Hi, Daddy,” she said.
I stepped onto the porch. “Hey, sweetheart. How are you?”
Putting down her suitcase, she leaned in and gave me a hug.
“I’m fine,” she said. “This is actually a lot of fun. I wasn’t so sure about it in the beginning, but it’s been great so far. And Mom’s been having a blast. You should see her. I haven’t seen her this excited in a long time.” “I’m glad,” I said.
When she smiled, I was struck anew by how grown-up she looked. Moments ago, it seemed, she’d been a little girl. Where had the time gone?
“I can’t wait for this weekend,” she whispered.
“Neither can I.”
“Will you have everything ready at the house?”
I nodded.
She peeked around. Seeing her expression, I already knew what she was going to ask.
“How are you and Mom doing?”
She’d first asked me this a few months after Leslie had moved out; in the past year, she’d done so more frequently, though never when Jane was around. At first I’d been puzzled; lately I’d come to expect it.
“Good,” I said.
This was, by the way, the answer I always gave, though I knew that Anna didn’t always believe me.
This time, however, she searched my face, and then, surprising me, she leaned in and hugged me again. Her arms were tight around my back. “I love you, Daddy,” she whispered. “I think you’re great.”
“I love you, too, sweetheart.”
“Mom’s a lucky lady,” she said. “Don’t ever forget that.”
“Okay,” Jane said as we stood in the drive. “I guess that’s it.”
Anna was waiting in the car.
“You’ll call, right? I mean, if anything comes up.”
“I promise,” I said. “And say hey to Leslie for me.” As I opened the car door for her, I could already feel the heat of the day bearing down on me. The air was thick and heavy, making the homes up the street look hazy. Another scorcher, I thought.
“Have a good time today,” I said, missing her already.
Jane nodded and took a step toward the open door. Watching her, I knew she could still turn the head of any man. How had I become middle-aged while the ravages of time ignored her? I didn’t know and didn’t care, and before I could stop them, the words were already out.
“You’re beautiful,” I murmured.
Jane turned back with a look of faint surprise. By her expression, I knew she was trying to figure out whether she’d heard me correctly. I suppose I could have waited for her to respond, but instead I did what was once as natural to me as breathing. Moving close before she could turn away, I kissed her gently, her lips soft against my own.