The Wedding Gift (42 page)

“Sarah, I don’t care about that. I understand it all. Remember, I too was born in bondage.”

“But there are things about my life that I can’t speak about, things that I did.”

“Sarah, what matters is that you are free now. You don’t have to live in the past, and you can try to forget about the horrors you suffered.”

“It’s difficult to forget, especially since it just happened. But, yes, Nathaniel, you have permission to court me.”

“I will do my best to make you happy. Now there is something else I want to tell you, and I want you to be the first person at home to know, other than Bradley, James, and Anthony. After five years as a first officer, the British West Indies Trading Company has promoted me to captain.”

“Nathaniel, that is absolutely wonderful. Congratulations and best wishes. I am so happy for you. When did this happen?”

“Captain told me on the ship. I will receive my official commission when I report to London next month. Will you join my family for dinner this afternoon? I will announce the news to everyone.”

When we arrived at the Trusty home, some of the Ebanks clan was there, including James and Anthony. It was apparent that everyone knew about Nathaniel’s plans to court me before I did. I permitted myself not to worry about my family in Alabama, at least for that day. Everyone was solicitous and made me feel as if I had known them for years. James and Anthony reminded me that I needed a swimming costume so that they could give me lessons. The youngsters could not believe that I did not know how to swim and thought it funny that, in my entire life, I had only had my feet in the sea.

Nathaniel and the others had home leave for a month, every day of which he and I spent together. I had supper with his parents and children almost every day of the week, when we were not dining with the Ebanks, to whom I had become attached. One evening, as he was walking me home, Nathaniel had another matter to discuss.

“Sarah, we haven’t spoken about my children and how you would feel about helping me raise them. As a captain, I will have even less home leave. My parents are content to continue to raise them, so if you don’t want to do so, I will understand.”

“Nathaniel, I have quickly come to love your children, and I would like to be a mother to them, as long as your parents continue to help. There is something I’ve been thinking about, and perhaps this is an appropriate time to raise it. I haven’t had the courage to tell you because I’m afraid that you may change your mind about me.”

“Sarah, I doubt there is anything you could tell me that would change my mind about marrying you.”

“I ask that you maintain this in confidence. I can’t really describe the circumstance in detail; it’s much too painful. It happened when I was still at Allen Estates. I was expecting a child. There was a lot of bleeding and I had a fever…That’s not the entire truth. The truth is I did not want to have the child because I knew that, if I did, I would not be able to escape. I know that what I did was a sin. The midwife took the…everything out, and she said that I may never be able to have children.”

“Sarah, my darling, I’m so sorry that you had to go through that. It must have been devastating. But as I said, there is nothing you could tell me that would make me stop loving you. What do you say? Shall we set a wedding date?”

Nathaniel brought a smile to my face. “Yes, let’s do that. Do you know when your next home leave will be?”

The following day, he asked me to walk with him to a bluff overlooking the bay.

“Sarah, I bought this plot of land to build our house.”

“Really? We’re to have our own home?”

“Of course. What did you think? The schoolmistress and the captain must have their own home. And, Sarah, this is the perfect place. It never gets too hot because of the trade winds, and when you wake in the morning, the first thing you will see will be the water. There’s enough room for your flower and vegetable gardens. And, Sarah, you will be in charge of speaking with the carpenters about what you want in the house.”

“I want a room with shelves for my books and a desk for writing and grading papers.”

“Whatever you want, you will have.”

Nathaniel sailed again, and I missed him, but there was much to do at home. He wrote me letters from every port where he landed. I was glad he was not alone, because Mr. Ebanks, James, and Anthony sailed under his command. When they returned two months later for a week of home leave, Nathaniel and I decided that we could not wait for the house to be completed to marry. We were wed at our church in Flowers Bay. I wore a dress that Gran-Gran Ebanks and I had made from fabric that I bought in Port Royal. Mr. Ebanks honored me by walking me down the aisle.

I am happy with Nathaniel, but my happiness is marred by thoughts of my mother and Belle, and I pray that they found a measure of contentment. With regard to my new family, I pray the Lord will keep them safe and I ask Him to pardon me for not telling Nathaniel everything about my past.

At least once a day I recall that when I was Clarissa’s chaperone and Isaac and I traveled with her, Isaac claimed every night to be in the stable caring for the horses, but when he returned to me at dawn, I could smell the scent of Clarissa on him. I hid my pain and anger as best I could and said nothing because I did not want to admit he had betrayed me with my owner and sister. When I first saw Clarissa’s baby, he had Isaac’s nose, lips, and golden curly hair. It was then I began to plot my revenge against Isaac.

I encouraged Isaac to flee and wrote him a paper that he thought was a traveling pass but instead instructed anyone who read it to take him to Allen Estates for a $200 reward. My heinous acts did not end there; to prevent him from finalizing a document revoking the promised freedom for my mother, Belle, Bessie, Dottie, and Eddie, and to avenge his sale of Belle to the Reynolds plantation, I killed Cornelius Allen, by mixing poison into his drink.

Reader, I ask that you do not judge me harshly and that you view my deeds not through the prism of your time but through that of mine. It is true that what I did was evil, but I can see that only now. Then I was a child who did not know the fortitude that I possessed. Now that I am no longer chattel, I know that a slave does not have to be like his master and that retribution does not belong to any of us, but to the Lord.

Each day, from that first night that I spent in the woods after I escaped, when He humbled me by showing me fear unlike any I had ever, or since, experienced, I have prayed to God to forgive me for my sins. He has absolved me, I believe, but the torment in my mind that keeps me awake until dawn or that causes me pain when I dream is an immutable reminder that He will never let me forget the evil that I committed when I returned my first husband to slavery and murdered my master and father.