When she emerged from the bedroom he wrapped his arms around her and apologized. She cut him off. “No, sweetheart, you were totally right. I should have been more supportive. I haven’t had a lot of practice at being someone’s girlfriend. I’m still learning. Forgive me?”
He kissed her and held her close. “Of course, of course. And I’m sorry I let my anger get the best of me again. I’m working on it, I promise”
She forgave him, and the next day a box of chocolates and roses were delivered to her at work. When the girls at the salon asked what the occasion was, she said, “He just loves me” Because he did.
Right?
The third time wasn’t her fault—at least, she didn’t think it was. Despite his humiliating loss at his first poker night, Rick had continued to join the group every week, and one night in late June it was his turn to host. She had planned to disappear so she wasn’t in the way, but Rick wanted her to make snacks for the guests, so she hung out in the kitchen putting together hot dogs and nachos while the men played cards. When she brought a plate of food to the table Rick wrapped an arm around her waist and held her tighter than necessary. “These better be good, woman”
She bristled as the other men laughed along with him. One of them, however, smiled at her and nodded. “Thanks for the snacks, Kim. Usually our girlfriends and wives go into hiding when we get together. It’s nice to have someone cooking for us”
Her wounded pride was somewhat soothed. She smiled in gratitude. “Thank you. I’m glad to do it” She wormed her way out of Rick’s grasp, which had gotten tighter, and shot him a look of annoyance as she went back to the kitchen. After preparing more food for the men, she disappeared into the bedroom to read. Their raucous laughter and groans of defeat sounded off and on for another couple hours, and when she heard their activity winding down she put her book away and got ready for bed. She heard the front door lock as she emerged from the bathroom and was preparing to get into bed when Rick came into the room.
“So what was that about?” he said. His eyes were dark and his face set with tense anger.
“What was what about?” Her stomach knotted as she thought back over the night, trying to pinpoint her transgression.
“Give me a break, you knew what you were doing—if I hadn’t been holding on to you, you would have thrown yourself into Chris’s lap”
“What? Rick, I have no—”
He slapped her hard across the face. She cradled her cheek in her hand, staring at him in open-mouthed shock. “Don’t lie to me. You made me look like a fool in front of them”
“Rick, I didn’t, all I did—”
He backhanded her. “Shut up! Stop trying to make excuses”
She backed into the bed, fell onto the mattress, and scrambled up onto her knees to avoid being lower than him. He seemed taller, menacing. She’d never seen him like this.
She put her hands up, trying to stop his advance. “Rick, I swear, listen to me. I was just saying thank you. That’s all! I wasn’t trying to flirt—”
He grabbed her wrist and pulled her forward off the bed. She screamed, catching herself on the floor with her other hand and wrenching her arm in the process. He yanked her to her back and leaned down, his red face just inches from hers. “Don’t ever do it again, do you understand? Don’t ever look at another man like that again” He straightened, still staring down at her. “He wouldn’t want you anyway. A religious guy like him would never love a murderer”
Her breath caught in her chest. The throb in her wrist and shoulder and the burn in her cheeks were forgotten in the face of his cruel comment. He spit one last insult at her as he left the room, slamming the door behind him.
Her wrist and shoulder throbbed. She hoisted herself onto the bed and eased herself between the sheets, then burst into tears that seemed to bubble up from all the way down in her gut. But it wasn’t the pain that brought on the crying. It was the fact that Rick had thrown her guilt and sin—the secret she had shared with him, believing he would help her bear the weight—back in her face like a weapon. And the fact that he was right.
Who else would ever want her besides Rick? She was lucky he hadn’t kicked her to the curb as soon as she’d spilled her story. She was a murderer—a worthless, cowardly killer who didn’t deserve half the blessings she had received.
For once she didn’t long to carve her grief in her arms. The ache in her body was punishment enough. And as she laid in the bed, shivering despite her long-sleeved pajamas, it dawned on her that she had gotten what was coming to her. She had run for seven years, putting up with the nightmares and the guilt, but now she was paying for her sins. Karma had finally caught up.
She closed her eyes against the dark, willing sleep to come. But as the truth sank in that she was finally being punished like she deserved, her fear slowly melted into relief.
K
IM AWOKE TO PAIN
. She sucked in her breath as she hauled herself upright and out of bed, biting her lip to keep quiet so she didn’t wake Rick. Her reflection in the bathroom mirror told her she’d be spending a lot of extra time on her makeup that morning.
Her aches eased a bit under the hot shower spray, and once she was toweled off and dressed she didn’t feel too badly. She ate breakfast in silence, her mind churning through the events from the night before and continuing to process the realization she’d had that was already easing the guilt she had carried for so long.
Her makeup took twice as long as usual to apply. Both cheekbones sported purple blooms that fought to be seen beneath foundation and concealer. As the powders layered thicker and thicker Kim knew there was no way she’d be able to hide the bruises well enough to fool anyone. The girls at the salon would be all over her asking what had happened. She had Club that afternoon as well, and those girls would sink their teeth into any kind of personal drama and not let go until they were satisfied with the story.
So what’s my story?
Giving up on hiding her injuries, she chucked the foundation and concealer back in the bag and continued with the rest of her makeup. As she brushed on blush and dabbed eyeliner, she concocted a cover for her bruises and practiced how she would say it so as not to encourage more questions. Her wrist and shoulder were still sensitive as well, so she took that into account as she crafted her tale. When she was done, she rehearsed a few times so the explanation would sound natural.
She didn’t make it past the reception desk before Bette and Ru-miko were clucking over her face. “Girl, what happened? You poor thing!” Rumiko said as she winced at Kim’s face.
“Oh Kim!” Bette said, her voice low with concern. “That looks painful”
Kim nodded a little and sighed. “Yeah, it is a little bit. But not too bad. Rick and I were rearranging furniture last night, and he’s got this really tall bookshelf that’s heavier than it looks” The girls groaned in sympathy, and she waited to see if more description was necessary.
“A bookshelf fell on you?” Rumiko shook her head. “Oh man, that makes my skin tingle! Oww!” She gave a little shudder and tottered away on her high heels.
Bette wrinkled her nose. “Wow, really—a bookshelf?”
“Yeah. Wrenched my wrist and shoulder a little too. It’s not terrible, but I’m not looking forward to how they’ll feel by the end of the day” She made a face of mild irritation and then changed the subject. “So has anyone brought up the Fourth of July party for this year? It’s next week and we still haven’t set anything up”
“No, not yet” Bette pulled her date book from her purse. “What time did we all meet last year? I can’t remember”
“Some of us did dinner beforehand, around six, then met at the park at eight. Should we just do that again?”
“That sounds fun, sure. I’ll let the others know. Significant others are invited?”
“Of course” She glanced back at her station. “I need to get set up; my first appointment is going to be here any minute” Kim went back to her station, sighing with relief that she’d passed the first test. She’d called in sick at the Club before coming in to work so she wouldn’t have to face the girls that afternoon. She couldn’t deal with them right now, and if she waited a couple days the marks might be faded enough that they’d never even see them.
Her first client arrived before she finished prepping. Full of apologies, she led the woman back to the sinks to wash her hair, and by the time she was wrapping the towel around the woman’s dripping hair her wrist and shoulder were throbbing. She clenched her teeth as she combed through the woman’s long, thick tresses, then made an excuse that allowed her to go back to the supply room to massage her wrist and arm.
She took a few deep breaths.
Penance. This is your penance. It’s hardly anything considering what you did. Grin and bear it.
She went back out to her client and apologized yet again, then did her best to concentrate on her work and not on the pain.
It was a long day. Her shoulder screamed if her arm was up for more than a few seconds at a time—a difficult position to avoid. Lunch couldn’t come soon enough, and her only consolation was that her day at the salon ended in two more hours.
Suzie came back to her station just before her first post-lunch appointment. “Rumiko told me what happened, you poor thing. How are you doing?”
Kim put on a brave face. “It’s going alright”
Suzie wasn’t buying it. “You don’t look alright”
“I don’t?”
Suzie gave her a small smile. “Want something for the pain? I’m sure I’ve got some Tylenol or something in my purse”
“No, that’s okay. Thanks though” This was all part of the punishment. She just had to learn how to deal with it. It was the least she could do.
But, by the time she got home, she’d decided six hours of near-constant agony without painkillers was plenty. She popped three ibuprofen and crawled into bed.
Don’t worry, you have a lifetime to ramp up your tolerance.
Twenty minutes later, the medicine kicked in and the pain began to ease. She fell asleep with a smile on her lips.
K
IM AWAKENED TO THE SOUND
of the door closing. Her eyes flew open. She looked to the clock and saw it was already five-thirty. She struggled to sit up without using either arm and sat on the edge of the bed for a minute before standing. Even with the ibuprofen the pain was still there, and now she felt groggy from her nap.
She shuffled out to the living room and found Rick on the couch. “You’re not at Club?” he asked through a mouthful of chips.
Hello to you too.
“I canceled”
“Oh”
She waited for him to ask why, or to say anything at all about last night, but he went back to watching the sitcom rerun he had playing on the television. She went to the kitchen and pulled a package of hamburger patties from the freezer and a box of instant mashed potatoes from the pantry. She fixed dinner in silence, but found herself keeping an eye on him, stopping what she was doing and holding her breath in anticipation whenever he shifted in his seat. When he failed to address her, she went nearly limp with relief and resumed her cooking with renewed attention to detail so that everything about the meal was exactly the way he liked it.
She waited until a commercial break to announce dinner was ready, having spent the last three minutes setting the table and arranging the food on his plate as though she were auditioning at a fancy restaurant. He shut off the television and came to the table, kissing her lightly on the cheek before sitting down. She waited again for him to acknowledge the elephant in the room, but he acted as though nothing was different.
“Mm, great burger, babe”
“Thanks”
“How was your day?”
“Um, it was…fine”
I’m not bringing it up if he’s not.
“Good, good” He shoveled coleslaw into his mouth and flashed her a smile as he chewed. She didn’t know whether to brace herself or relax, but she answered his smile with a brief one of her own and began to eat. He talked about his day, about a movie he’d seen an ad for and wanted to take her to, about completely normal and mundane things that left Kim wondering if she’d dreamed her injuries into existence.
When they finished she picked up his plate along with hers, then nearly dropped hers when her wrist gave out. She gasped in pain and set the plate down sharply on the table. He frowned. “What’s wrong? You alright?”
She looked at him askance. “My wrist hurts”
“Really? What did you do?” The look on her face seemed to jog his memory. “Ohh. From last night. Right” He drained the last of his beer and picked up the plates. “Here, I’ll get those” He cleared the table while she sat in stunned silence. “Yeah, I’m sorry about that, babe. I think I had a couple too many beers last night. I’ll try not to do that again” He came back to the table to retrieve the rest of the dishes and planted a kiss on her temple. “You look really tired. Why don’t you go to bed and I’ll take care of the dishes, hm?”
“Oh. Okay. Thanks”
She wandered back into the bedroom and changed into her pajamas. It wasn’t even seven yet, but she felt like she could sleep until noon the next day. She swallowed another dose of medicine and laid herself down with care so as not to aggravate her shoulder. Before she fell asleep, she realized he hadn’t given her a gift.
B
Y THE
F
OURTH OF
J
ULY
her face was fine. She’d gotten a brace for her wrist and learned how to cut and style with her elbow against her body to keep her shoulder from getting too much of a workout. Nothing else was ever said about the incident, and Kim had come to not only accept that it had happened, but to actually appreciate it. For the first time in months, she’d had no desire to cut herself. Her arms were healing well, and besides the faint scars left from some of her more industrious slices, there was little to indicate anything had ever happened. She was almost ready to venture out in short sleeves again.
During the afternoon of July third, Kim and her friends spent their free time planning the next evening’s festivities. Emma and Rumiko made an executive decision to replace a restaurant dinner with a potluck picnic and put together a sign-up sheet for assign ing the dishes. When Emma came around to Kim, she waved the sign-up and said, “What can I put you down for, girl? Got a secret potato salad recipe you wanna break out?”