Authors: György Dragomán
But the door stayed open a notch, just enough so I could hear Mother go into her room, come out again, and then open the door to the kitchen, the cupboard door now creaked just so, I figured she must have removed a glass, and sure enough, I heard Mother turn the faucet and let the water run so it would be nice and cold, she drank it down in no big hurry and finished by splashing what was left into the sink, and then she pulled a kitchen chair out from under the table and sat down, meanwhile I crouched carefully by the desk and, quiet as could be, I pulled out the bottom drawer and put it on the rug, because it was under that drawer where I kept things I didn't want Mother knowing about, the medal I got from Grandfather, my carbide-packed exploding tin can, my slingshot, my tomahawk, all my lead soldiers, my spent bullets that still really smelled of gunpowder, and last but not least, the armor, which I took out of the drawer in a hurry together with the rag it was wrapped in, and meanwhile not a sound came from the kitchen, which really made me wonder what Mother was up to, not that she ever came spying on me, but I didn't want her to discover this secret hiding place either, so I slid the drawer back in just as carefully as I'd pulled it out, and then I stood up, sat down by the desk, and put my color pencil and my ruler by the notebook to look like I was really doing my homework, and only then did I take the lead soldier out of my pocket and begin to unwrap the armor, but suddenly the kitchen chair gave a creak, which made me think that Mother must have stood up and would come in right away to see what I was up to, so I quickly slipped the lead soldier between my thighs, picked up the pencil, and began writing
HOMEWORK
at the top of the page in my notebook, and that's when I heard Mother burst out sobbing, I
heard
it for a moment only, she must have put a hand over her mouth because then everything went quiet again, but even through the silence it was like I could hear Mother crying, I gripped the pencil so tight my fingers hurt, and try as I did not to think about Mother, I saw her before me all the same, I saw her sitting there at the kitchen table leaning on an elbow and pressing both hands tight against her mouth as the tears streamed down her face, and I knew that shutting my eyes would do no good because I'd see her even then, and it wouldn't help going out there to the kitchen and telling her not to cry, that would only make her yell at me, and besides, at night she would cry again for sure, so the best thing would be if she didn't even realize I'd heard her, but I knew she wouldn't be able to stand it for long, she'd burst out sobbing again, and then she'd be angry with me for hearing her, even though I couldn't help it she'd bawl me out anyway, and so I figured I'd better put the lead soldiers back in the drawer or else I'd get into trouble for sure. But I couldn't help being really curious to know if the armor would fit this new soldier, and so I began peeling away the rag from around it, carefully, with my left hand only, and without even taking the soldier out from between my thighs, and with the pencil there in my right hand the whole time as if I was just doing my homework, I went on removing the oily rag, and then all of a sudden I heard Mother this time really burst out sobbing louder than ever before, which scared me so much that my hand jerked, pressing the pencil so hard against the paper that the tip broke, which is when I heard Mother shove the chair back, stand up, and start cursing. "Goddamn it," she said, "goddamn this whole goddamn life," and then there was this loud clatter, and I knew Mother had flung her glass to the floor, and then I did get really frightened because I knew it meant big trouble if Mother threw something on the floor, she had never broken anything even back before they took Father away,
she had never so much as slammed a door, not even when she and Father had had their biggest fights, so anyway, all of a sudden Mother slammed the kitchen door so hard I could hear the ornamental plates rattle against the wall, and then she stepped into the hall and stopped by the little telephone stand, and I heard her take deep breaths before snatching up the receiver and starting to dial so fast that before the spring had a chance to pull back the dial, she was already wrenching the dial back the other way with her finger, which made the whole telephone click over and over again, and then everything got all quiet, Mother didn't let out even a sniffle, and I could almost hear the telephone ringing a bunch of times at the other end before someone must have finally answered, because Mother shouted hello into the receiver three times, "Hello, hello, hello," and then she said, "If you've picked up already then at least say something, what is this, not saying a word when I can hear you wheezing at the other end, so what's it going to be, say something already, don't you recognize the voice of your own daughter-in-law," and then Mother's voice got louder and louder and I could hear the telephone stand begin creaking as she nudged it with a knee, and then I knew for sure that she really was worried about Father because otherwise she would never have called my grandparents, no, they never ever said a word to her especially since Father had been taken away, and that's because they blamed Mother for the whole mess, saying that Father would never have signed that open letter of protest on his own, that he'd done it only because she'd goaded him into it, and then Mother got all quiet, even the telephone stand stopped creaking, and when she did speak again she did so quietly, but in that sharp, dry tone she always used when she was really mad. "All right, Comrade Secretary," she said, and she told him that she too had good reason to feel insulted and that he would do well to be less concerned about his own honor and more about
his son's life, and as soon as she said this Mother hushed up, and for a moment everything got completely quiet again, and then I finally opened up the suit of armor and tried slipping it onto the lead soldier, which was an unpainted Swiss guardsman without even a halberd, but the armor was too big, there was just no way to clasp it on, and that is when Mother spoke again, yes, she said that's why she called, what did my grandfather think she called for, what the hell else could they still talk about, of course it was about that, and meanwhile I was examining the lead soldier, which Feri sold to me because its upper part was flattened on account of botched casting, but I'd figured that wouldn't be noticeable under the armor, and so it seemed like a good buy except now I knew that it would be of no use to me either. And meanwhile the telephone stand began to creak again, Mother must have leaned against it, and she now told my grandfather not to go lying to her, she knew full well he still had contacts, he'd been a Party secretary for long enough so more than a few folks owed him a couple favors, come on, she said, he could at least tell her the name of someone who could help, and then for a while she didn't say a thing, but all at once she took a deep breath, gulping down air like water, and she spoke really loud into the phone, she told my grandfather that she wasn't about to wait, was that understood, she said, she wasn't about to wait, let it be now or never, was that understood, now or never, and by the time Mother said all this she was shouting, and I knew she was about to slam down the phone, and sure enough, at that very moment she did hurl it down so hard that the phone gave a loud clang before everything turned quiet, and then she yelled, "Enough is enough, I don't give a damn, the time has come for the old prick to do something for his son already," and then I heard her start off for my room only to stop after two steps, and quickly I covered the soldier and the armor with my math book, Mother now flung something soft to the floor, at first I couldn't figure out what it was, but then I heard her pulling the zipper down on her skirt and giving a curse under her breath, she must have tried sliding off her skirt so fast that it got caught on her foot, and by now I knew it was her blouse she'd thrown on the floor, and then I heard Mother hopping toward my room, on one leg, it seemed, and she was shouting for me to go help, her pantyhose was about to rip, and when I opened the door I saw Mother standing there in her bra, she really was on one leg, her skirt and pantyhose were pulled halfway down the leg she was holding in the air, and so I went over, and Mother told me to hold her side to keep her from falling, and then I stood right up beside her and put an arm around her waist, her face was streaked with tears, I saw, and then Mother bent down her head and began carefully pulling down her pantyhose, and while holding her I could feel her heart beating really fast. I thought of my grandfather and wanted to know what he'd said to Mother, but I didn't want to ask, and then Mother stepped out of her skirt and pantyhose with her other leg too, and I let her go, and there she stood beside me in nothing but her panties and bra, the only other time I'd seen her like that was when we went to the beach, but right now I didn't want to look all over her as she stood there like that except I didn't have a choice, Mother turned away and picked up her skirt and wiped her face with it, and then she told me to go to my room and put on my Sunday best like a good boy because we were going somewhere, and I was all ready to say I wasn't about to wear my disgusting knit vest, but then Mother lowered her skirt from her face and gave me this stare that kept my mouth shut, so I turned around and went to the closet to fetch my Sunday best, and I didn't even ask her where we were going.
Mother got on her smartest red suit coat and matching skirt together with a pair of high-heeled shoes I'd never seen on her before, and as we headed down the stairs she stumbled and had to grab hold of the railing right when I was about to ask if we were going somewhere to sort things out so Father would be allowed to come home or only because Mother wanted to find out exactly what happened to him, but I hadn't even opened my mouth to speak when Mother told me to keep quiet, that she needed a little bit of silence to gather her thoughts, so I kept my mouth shut and didn't even try figuring out where we were headed, instead I counted steps once we were outside, when we reached a corner I always bet myself how many steps it would be to the next corner, but since we kept walking in different directions, and always turned before I wanted to, it was pretty hard guessing in advance, and by the time we arrived at that brand-new neighborhood of high-rise apartment blocks at the edge of town, I wasn't really guessing anymore, no, the streets looked so much the same that I couldn't even tell one from the other.
We went into several apartment blocks, and by the stairwell just inside each entrance, Mother would scan the names on the adjoining metal mailboxes lining the wall, but every time we came back out I could tell she was more and more anxious, that we were lost for sure, either that or else we couldn't find the right building, but I didn't say a thing, I knew I couldn't help anyway, and then when we entered what was at least the fourth stairwell Mother must have found what she was looking for because she stopped in front of this huge mailbox, looked at the name, nodded, took her pocket mirror and lipstick out of her purse, and right there at the foot of the stairwell she put on her lipstick, and after tucking away the lipstick and the mirror she adjusted my shirt, my tie, and my vest, and she licked her palm and used it to pat down my hair, and then she said that we were about to go up to the fifth floor to see Comrade Ambassador and I should behave, I should speak only when asked to speak, and I should reply politely,
and I shouldn't be scared because there wouldn't be any trouble, I'd see. I nodded and said, "All right, I'll do my best to behave," and on reaching the second floor I asked her if it was true that we'd come to help Father, but Mother replied that no, she was here because she was in a good mood, and she bit her lips and told me not to say a word.
Up on the fifth floor I was in for a real surprise, which is that only one door opened from the stairwell, not four, like on the other floors, plus the concrete floor was covered with a large rag rug, it was just like the hall inside an apartment, not a landing, but Mother didn't look surprised at all, she went straight to the door, looked at the brass nameplate, and pressed the doorbell hard, and from the way she took my hand and squeezed it tight I thought she wanted to say something, but at that moment the door swung open.
Standing on the threshold was a tall gray-haired man in a light brown suit that made his face seem even paler than it was, and as soon as Mother saw him she spoke, she was sorry to be disturbing Comrade Ambassador, she said, but she didn't know who else to turn to, and she asked for only a couple minutes of his precious time. The ambassador passed his cold gray eyes over Mother before finally breaking into a grin, and only then did he speak. "Well, well, my dear," he said, "you are lovelier than ever, you've become at least ten years younger since I saw you last," and as he spoke I noticed that lots of his front teeth were gold, and then he looked at me and even though he kept smiling, his eyes glistened more harshly as he now called out, "And you, my boy, who might you be?" I didn't say a thing, but Mother squeezed my hand and told me to be a good boy and tell Comrade Ambassador my name, as if I was a five-year-old kid, and then I said my name, and Comrade Ambassador nodded and said, "Splendid, splendid, so your name is the same as your grandfather's, is it, and you look like him too, you sure do, a whole
lot more than you look like your father," and although I didn't say a word, I thought, "Motherfucking hell I do, Comrade Ambassador, I do too look like my father and not like my grandfather," and then the ambassador looked again at Mother and asked what he could thank for her unexpected visit, and Mother adjusted the brooch on her suit coat and said that maybe the stairwell wasn't the place to discuss this, and the ambassador nodded and begged her pardon and said he didn't understand how he could possibly have been so impolite, naturally it would be best if we stepped inside, and then Mother told me to wipe my feet, and then we went in and the ambassador shut the door behind us. "Step right in," he said, "straight ahead," and I heard the dead bolt behind us click twice as he turned it, and he said, "Please, please, do go on in," and then we went into the living room, and I was surprised to see that the room was exactly like some museum, with animal trophies of different shapes and sizes all over the walls, the mounted heads of antelopes, buffaloes, black bears, leopards, and jackals, in one corner there was a great big hippopotamus with a gaping mouth, and opposite the entrance, on the middle of the wall above the fireplace, was a huge, ferocious-looking lion with its mane standing on end, and towering above the room right next to the lion were two big rhino horns on a black wooden board, and then there were a bunch of colorful shields and spears and yellowed bone swords that filled out the space between the trophies, which is not to mention a huge photograph, in a wide golden frame, of a black man with glasses, only his head and his shoulders were visible, he wore a military uniform trimmed with gold braid and he had a little leopard-skin cap on his head, and even though he looked pretty good, I couldn't help but think that his head was all sweaty under the leopard-skin cap in that awful heat, but anyway, as I turned around to look some more, I heard Mother say, "Comrade Ambassador, this is remarkable,
both
the Folklore Museum and the Natural History Museum would have reason to envy this extraordinary collection," and the ambassador broke into another smile and said, "Oh come now, this is just a humble little exhibit, four apartments had to be made into one to fit it all, and even so, there was room only for a fraction of the entire collection, but of course," he added, "this is something too," and then he gestured toward the leather armchairs around the little glass table in the middle of the room. "Please do sit down," he said, and once we'd taken our seats, he asked if he could get us something, and Mother replied, "Oh please don't bother," but the ambassador had already left the room, and a minute later he returned carrying a silver tray with some crystal shot glasses and a four-sided bottle on top, and the ambassador placed the tray on the table, sat down, and then poured a glass for Mother and one for himself, and he explained that this was delicious homemade cherry liqueur, and without clinking glasses he downed his drink right away, and only afterward did he say, "To your health," and then Mother drank her own glass of liqueur, and the ambassador immediately refilled both her glass and his own, and again he gulped down what was in his glass, but this time instead of refilling he sat back in his armchair and just stared at us without a word, and I looked at Mother, and from the way she was holding her shot glass with both hands I could tell she was really nervous, and it was so awfully quiet that I just had to say something, I looked at the ambassador and asked, "So where were you an ambassador, Comrade Ambassador?" and he nodded toward the wall, toward the trophies, the shields and the spears and the bone swords. "Why," he said, "in Africa," and I didn't respond, I only looked down and saw that he wasn't kidding, even the carpet was made of a whole bunch of zebra skins all sewn together, and then I looked up again at the ambassador and asked, "But Comrade Ambassador, where in Africa?" to which the ambassador said, "Everywhere, but mostly in the heart of Africa, right in the middle of the darkest, blackest Africa, so what do you say, boy, which country might that have been?" and I said right away, "Zaire," and the ambassador smiled and nodded. "Very well done," he said, "I'm quite pleased with you, for you evidently know your geography well, you deserve a bit of cherry liqueur too, you certainly do, you're already a big boy after all," and he lifted the third crystal shot glass, filled it with the red liqueur, and pressed the tiny glass into my hand and said, "Go ahead, boy, drink up, to your health," and I took the glass and looked up to see Mother nod, and so I took a well-mannered sip, and even though the liqueur was terribly sweet, it still had a bite to it, and it warmed my throat all the way down, the ambassador now poured a bit more for himself and again gulped it right down, and then he put his glass back on the tray, and he fixed his eyes on Mother and asked, "How's your husband, anyway?" and then Mother swallowed her glassful of liqueur, crossed her legs, and said that in fact that's just why she was here, that was exactly what she herself hoped to find out, considering that we hadn't had any news of him for four months already, she was really worried by now, and with his exceptional contacts, surely Comrade Ambassador could sort things out in no time, so we'd know what had become of him.