The Year We Turned Forty (33 page)

•  •  •

“Jess?”

Jessie let out a squeal and twirled around to face Grant. “Oh my God, you scared the shit out of me!”

Grant shook his head as Jessie dramatically covered her thumping heart with her hand.

“I was just coming to tell you Claire is here to help set up.”

“Oh, thanks,” Jessie said sheepishly.

“What were you just thinking about? I must have said your name three times before you screamed bloody murder.”

“Tonight,” Jessie said truthfully as she picked up her blush brush and applied more color to her now pale cheeks.

Grant crossed his arms over his broad chest. “What is it about this party that has you so high strung? Is it the storm?”

Jessie looked out the bedroom window splattered with raindrops, thankful she'd found a company that could bring a large tent to cover the tables and dance floor in her backyard at the last minute—the party business had just received a cancellation, someone not willing to risk the rain ruining their event. Jessie didn't have that luxury. Tonight was
it
. She stared at the tent—the only one that had been available was red with thick white horizontal stripes, making it look like it belonged at the circus. Although maybe it would end up being perfect for the sideshow Jessie was now very worried could take place tonight.

Yesterday, after they'd had lunch, Peter and Jessie had taken Lucas to the park, and as they both trailed behind him, hunched
over with their arms outstretched like nets that would break his fall, Peter had brought up Father's Day. Jessie's throat tightened and she'd reached up to grab it, feeling as if she only had a tiny hole where her breath could force its way through. Peter asked what she and Grant and Lucas planned to do to celebrate, and she was afraid to meet his eyes, what she might see in them if she looked. The truth was, she didn't know. Because there was a strong chance that she might not be here in a week, that she'd be back in a life where Father's Day felt like a foreign holiday, one she didn't participate in. One where she'd help Lucas and the twins purchase a gift for Grant and wrap it, always saddened that with each passing year she had a harder time helping Lucas pick one out. A life where her heart would thud each time Lucas told her about a new interest of Grant's—how she'd obsess whether or not Janet had been the one to introduce him to it. Where she would drop him off at Grant's for the weekend as she sucked in the wave of sobs that fought to crash out of her.

“I'm not sure. What are you, Cathy, and Sean planning?” Jessie finally said, deciding to deflect his question with one of her own. “I hear that new Italian restaurant on Third Street is pretty good.”

“Jess.”

Jessie pretended Lucas was about to topple over and grabbed his arm, guiding him toward the sandbox. “Do you guys celebrate with your dad too? Doesn't he live up in Pomona?” Jessie asked, hoping to steer the conversation away from where she knew it was headed.

“Jessie, you know I'm not making small talk here. You know why I'm asking.”

“No, Peter, I really don't,” she said as she pulled action figures out of her bag and struggled to separate them from each other.

“It feels strange. Thinking of Grant being with
my
son on that day.”

Why didn't it bother you last time?
Jessie thought, knowing exactly why. Last time, Lucas was just an idea, one he was able to push away because he never had his little hand wrapped around his finger, he never saw him take his first steps, never held him when he was sick. How could she have been so naïve to believe that letting Peter spend time with his son would actually keep him from wanting to actively be his father?

“I get it, Peter, but let's be fair. Grant is also very much his father—he's the one who puts him to bed each night, the one who's been there each and every day since he's been born.” Jessie said the last words gently, trying to take the sting off them. “I understand this is complicated—for all of us. What if we met up with you the next day? He would never know the difference.”

Peter crouched down next to the sandbox and handed Lucas a shovel. “But
I
would.”

“So what do you want me to do? Tell Grant I have to take Lucas to celebrate with his
real
father? Thanks for all the diaper changes and sleepless nights this past year, but now Peter's decided to step in and we won't be needing your services anymore?” Jessie scoffed, looking up at the overcast sky.

“Of course not. But I don't think it's too much to ask to see my son on Father's Day. Even if he doesn't know the truth, I do. And I want to be there for him.” Peter reached out and grabbed Jessie's arm, turning her toward him. “Jess, isn't this what you wanted when you met me at that dive café to tell me you were pregnant? Because you could have just kept it to yourself. I never would have known.”

But
I
would've known,
Jessie thought, repeating Peter's words
from earlier in her mind. And one day if Lucas found out, she'd have to explain why she hadn't told his father.

“I couldn't
not
tell you. How would I have explained that to Lucas? I couldn't tell another lie,” Jessie finally answered.

“You've been lying to Grant for months. How is that any different?”

“I know.” Jessie looked down. “But those lies have allowed you to get to know Lucas.”

“With limitations.”

“True,” she finally answered. “But you didn't want anything to do with your son until our little run-in at the coffee shop,
with your wife
. Then you suddenly decided being a dad to this baby was important. How do you explain that?”

Peter's face had turned sheet white and he'd looked down for several seconds, as if trying to collect his thoughts. “I don't know, something just happened to me—seeing him changed everything. Honestly, if I hadn't, I'm not sure we'd be here right now. Isn't it weird how a chance meeting like that changed everything?”

“Yes,” she answered quietly, knowing that chance hadn't had much to do with it. She felt a lump form in her throat as she thought about the decade of Lucas' life Peter had missed before, even if it had been of his own doing. If she returned, she'd be taking that from him all over again. She heard herself telling him she'd figure out a way for him to see Lucas on Father's Day, knowing if she decided to stay, life was about to get even more complicated than she realized. The life she left behind may have been lonely, but at least she knew what to expect. Here, she was realizing, anything could happen. “Maybe you and Cathy should skip the party.”

Peter shook his head. “Cathy already knows about it. It will
be harder to come up with an explanation for why we're canceling than it will be to go.”

“Okay, but will you please steer clear of Grant? A lot of people will be there, so he'll never take it personally if you don't come over and say hi.”

“What do you think's going to happen if we do talk, Jessie?” Peter's face had transformed, suddenly looking more like a little boy than a grown man.

Jessie backpedaled. “I don't know, but he might pick up on something, sense something. You never know; I'm just trying to be cautious. Like you so kindly pointed out, I've been lying to him for months.”

“And obviously he doesn't have a clue, Jessie.”

“I hope you're right.” Jessie shrugged, thinking about how Grant had peppered her with questions a few weeks ago when she'd taken Lucas to meet Peter at the children's museum. She was pretty sure he'd just been curious, but each inquiry felt like a bullet to dodge, and she didn't know how much longer she could make up stories and keep track of them. Even though the truth about Lucas' paternity and their split had devastated her, at least Grant knew the truth and he'd chosen to be Lucas' father anyway, because that's the kind of person he was. Jessie wondered if she chose to stay here, how long she could manage the double life she'd created for herself. “What about Cathy? How can you be so sure she doesn't suspect something?”

“She doesn't know a thing. I always meet you when she is at an appointment or a meeting, when I'm absolutely sure there's no risk of running into her.”

“And the night I babysat? She didn't suspect a thing?”

“Nope. She was just thrilled I was taking her out.”

“How can you be so sure?”

“I could ask you the same thing about Grant. After all these months, why are you freaking out about this now?” Peter frowned. “Don't you trust me? I know what I said to you at the auction. But things are different now. I would never want Cathy
or Grant
to find out the wrong way.”

The problem was, Jessie did trust him. She trusted that he had changed from the first time around, that he truly wanted to do the right thing, to have a relationship with his son. And because of that, she wasn't confident he would keep their secret for much longer. For that reason, she knew her life as she knew it was in jeopardy. “I do,” she finally answered before standing to leave, closing the door on their conversation. She'd be deciding soon enough if she'd even be here on Father's Day.

•  •  •

But now, as she stared at the rain pounding against the circus tent outside, she was still conflicted. Her choice would affect so many more people than her. “I just want to have a good night with you,” Jessie said as she walked over to Grant and laid her head on his chest, tucking the memory away to reference later, in case this was the last night he was hers.

“Every night is a good night, as long as we have each other,” Grant said, leaning against the doorframe. “Right?”

“Do you really mean that?” Jessie asked. “Even the ones when Lucas is puking and the girls are whining and I'm wearing the same shirt as the day before? You're still satisfied?”

Grant grabbed her hand and placed it on his chest. “I think the one thing I've learned this year is that if you keep waiting around to discover what makes you happy, then you probably never will be.”

“You have to just find your happiness in what you already
have,” Jessie added, thinking about how often she used to think if she only had
this
or
that
that she would be satiated. She'd never really concentrated on loving the life she already led.

“Remember that night that you told me you wanted us to still like each other ten years down the road? So what's the verdict? Will we? Do I still make you happy?”

“Yes,” she said, and thought of how little she had slept that week, of how disorganized her closet was, of how her hair still frizzed out at the top, no matter how much hair spray she piled on. She thought of how Lucas had bit her on the soft spot of her arm earlier and left a mark, how annoyed Grant had been with her when she'd lost her keys
again,
and how frustrated she had been with Goldie, the puppy, when she'd chewed up Jessie's favorite pillow on the couch. Yes, her life was a mess most of the time. But it was hers. And she finally realized it made her happy, no matter how messy it was.

•  •  •

An hour later Jessie locked eyes briefly with Gabriela across the room, and she smiled lightly before looking away. She scanned the crowd until she found Claire, who appeared to be listening to a story one of Grant's colleagues was telling, but her eyes were darting around as if she was searching for something.

Jessie and Claire had briefly talked to Gabriela when the party first started and they exchanged awkward hugs, Gabriela stiffly leaning into their embraces, making it clear she still had her wall up. “We need to talk,” Claire had said under her breath.

“Agreed. Let's go somewhere more quiet,” Jessie said, eager to sort out their plan.

Gabriela had nodded. “Yes, but not right now. I need a drink first—now that I can have one.” She half smiled as she placed her
hand on her stomach. Claire noticed her boxy dress, thinking it was not at all like the bold, figure-flattering ensembles Gabriela would've worn in her alternate life, then realized that Gabriela's smile didn't make its way up to her eyes, the way it always used to. Claire couldn't remember the last time she'd seen her friend's sultry grin or her flirtatious pout. She seemed a shell of herself and Claire wondered, would staying here take away what was left of the Gabriela she'd known for thirty years?

“You okay?” Claire asked Gabriela, putting her hand on her arm, noticing her flinch a tiny bit.

“I'm fine. Just need to take the edge off. I'll find you guys later,” she said, turning to walk away.

Jessie and Claire exchanged a look and Jessie started to say something, but sucked her words back as Grant approached, grabbing Gabriela's hand and pulling her into a bear hug. “Here they are, the birthday girls!”

Gabriela pursed her lips as she tried to squirm out of his grip.

Grant, oblivious, wrapped his other arm around Jessie and Claire, and Jessie noticed his eyes were already glassy from the Fireball shot she'd seen him take a few minutes earlier. “I wasn't going to say anything, but what the hell, you know I can't keep a secret from you, Jess! We tell each other everything.” He released his arms and stepped back, giving Jessie a knowing look, Jessie forcing herself to meet his gaze, deciding his words had to be purely coincidental, that he didn't know anything. “I have something planned for you guys later. You are going to love it!”

Gabriela, Jessie, and Claire exchanged nervous glances, all of them thinking the same thing as they studied Grant's wide-eyed expression—what could he have planned that could top their own surprise at the end of the night? “We can't wait to find out what it is, babe,” Jessie finally said, breaking the awkward
silence, giving Grant a kiss and squeezing his hand as Gabriela and Claire nodded their heads in agreement.