The Year We Turned Forty (36 page)

Colin wiped the tears from her cheeks. “Who said we're not meant to be parents?”

Gabriela stared at him blankly. “What do you mean? We tried four times—”

“To get
you
pregnant,” Colin said, interrupting her.

“Yes, to get
me
pregnant,” Gabriela repeated, pointing to herself, not understanding where he was going with his thoughts.

“All I'm saying is, there are other ways to become parents,” Colin said, smiling.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean I haven't closed the door on becoming a father. There's adoption, fostering. I don't know how or if it will happen, but I'm open. The question is, are you?”

Gabriela took a deep breath. She'd been so laser focused on conceiving that she'd never considered those alternatives, let alone whether Colin might be open to them. She'd convinced herself he didn't want to be a dad, but maybe he just hadn't wanted to become a parent if it meant they'd lose themselves along the way.

“You would still want me and to potentially become a parent with me after all this?”

Colin nodded. “What can I say? I know you're still in there. It's hard to explain, but it's like you just got off course.”

“But how do we get back on track? Back to who we were?”

Colin studied her face. “Maybe we aren't supposed to be those people anymore.”

Gabriela let Colin's words permeate her, realizing he was more right than he could ever know. She thought of the relationship she had felt desperate to get back to. It had been easy—maybe too easy. It glided along so effortlessly that it often took a backseat to the stressors of her career or the issues in her friendships. Maybe, she realized, that was because she'd never had to fight for it.

“Gabriela,” Colin continued, “stay here with me. We'll get it right one way or another. I promise.”

Gabriela's mouth fell open. “What did you just say?”

Colin frowned. “I asked you to give us another chance.”

“You said to stay. That you wanted me to stay.” Gabriela's head was spinning.
Did Colin know?

“I just meant I want us to stay together,” Colin answered, perplexed. “I came here with the intention of not letting you leave until I told you how I felt.”

“Leave?” Gabriela was struck again by his choice of words.

“Leave the party. I didn't want you to leave the party without you knowing how I felt.” Colin's face fell. “Was I wrong to think we still had a shot here?” He bowed his head. When Gabriela didn't answer immediately, he took a step toward the house.

“Wait!” Gabriela grabbed his arm. “I'm sorry. It's just a lot to take in.” Gabriela considered Colin's declaration that he'd adopt a child or foster one, knowing that process was sometimes just as stressful as trying to conceive. She imagined herself becoming obsessed again, this time with choosing a
country to adopt from and filling out the perfect application. She wondered if she was just trading one obsession for another. And she wasn't sure her psyche or their relationship could handle another failure.

•  •  •

Just then, Grant's voice boomed through the tent, and Gabriela swiveled her head to where he was standing on the stage holding a microphone. “Where are the birthday girls? Get on up here!”

Gabriela stood frozen in place, searching for Jessie. She had been worried for Jessie when Grant took her away to talk, concerned that she was going to be forced to tell him the truth tonight. But Grant was up onstage, looking happy and calling for them, so she assumed that he was still in the dark.

“I have to go up there,” Gabriela said to Colin, then kissed him quickly, and his eyes lit up in surprise. “Don't go anywhere, I'll be right back.” Jessie and Claire caught up with Gabriela and looped their arms through hers as they made their way toward the stage.

Gabriela leaned into Jessie and whispered, “Are you okay?”

Jessie nodded. “For now,” she sighed. “Grant started to grill me about what happened back there with Peter and then some contractor he works with came up and interrupted us, thank God. After the guy finally left, Grant said it would wait until after the surprise.” Jessie bit her lower lip. “I feel like my crazy outburst stirred something in him, like all of a sudden he was connecting dots he never had before.”

“Really? But he seems fine right now,” Gabriela said as Grant told the band to start a drum roll and called for them to come up onstage again.

Jessie took a deep breath. “I hope you're right. But it's possible he's just putting on a happy face. He has to. There are over 150 people here.”

“I think I want to stay,” Gabriela whispered quickly before she could take it back, surprised when both of her friends' jaws went slack. “What?” Gabriela countered. “I thought this was what you guys wanted?”

“I'm sorry. I know I told you I definitely wanted to stay, but now I'm not so sure. You saw what happened earlier with Grant. Even if he still hasn't figured it out, it's obvious Peter intends to tell him.”

Gabriela drew a deep breath and looked at Claire. “What about you?”

“Long story, but Emily's dad is sitting in the kitchen.”

“What?” Gabriela exclaimed. “That's who you were talking to? I didn't even recognize him.” Her nose scrunched up. “Not that I have any right to talk, but he's really gained weight.”

“Ladies, let's go!” Grant called again. “You can gossip later!” he said, and the crowd laughed.

Claire, Jessie, and Gabriela stepped up onstage, holding hands tightly. Gabriela stole a look at her watch. It was already 11 p.m. Where had the time gone? Where had the year gone?

“So, now that she's finally up here . . .” Grant paused as people laughed and cheered again. “I had promised these ladies a magical night,” Grant began, looking sideways at the three of them with a glance that Gabriela couldn't read. “Please give a warm welcome to an up-and-coming magician that will amaze you. They're calling him the next David Copperfield. Here he is, Mr. Blair Wainright!”

Gabriela gasped as a young Blair made his way from the back of the crowd and took her hand, kissing it. “Hello, ladies.” He
tilted his head toward the crowd before glancing at his watch and whispering, “Meet me in Jessie's bedroom at 11:45 p.m.”

Claire let out a snort. “And until then?”

“Be prepared to be amazed!” Blair shouted in response, the crowd growing silent, and then applauding loudly as he levitated off the ground.

“Show-off,” Jessie said, but quickly feigned a smile for Grant, who was staring intently at her from across the stage, his eyes clear and glistening. Jessie held his gaze and silently prayed she had the strength to make the right choice.

•  •  •

“Where is he? He said 11:45 and it's 11:57!” Gabriela hissed as she, Jessie, and Claire stood in Jessie's darkened bedroom, Jessie insisting that they not turn the lights on, terrified that Grant was going to find her. After the show, Claire had grabbed her hand and yanked her from the crowd, dragging her up the stairs as Gabriela trailed behind them. Jessie had paused outside of Lucas' bedroom, holding up a finger before tiptoeing in and kissing him softly, not sure if it was the last time she'd kiss his sweet baby face. Earlier, she'd drawn the twins in for a tight hug, both of them wriggling out of her arms and exclaiming, “Mom!” in unison.

“I'm right here,” a voice came from the shadows of the bathroom, and they all jumped.

“Jesus!” Gabriela said as Blair appeared in front of them. “Have you ever heard of knocking?”

“It's a pleasure to see you too, Gabriela,” Blair said, the moonlight showcasing his smug smile. “Good year?”

“Oh shut up. You know exactly how
not
good this year has been.”

“I'm sorry,” Blair said calmly.

“Are you?” Gabriela shot back. “Or have you been laughing at us from whatever godforsaken place you come from?”

“Being angry with me isn't going to change anything, Gabriela. I simply gave you all the opportunity you wanted—another chance at the year you turned forty. What you did with it is on you, not me.”

“What kind of game is this?” Claire asked, her voice low but filled with emotion. “Do you get off on fucking with people's lives?”

Blair ignored Claire's question. “Ladies, you now only have three minutes to decide if you are staying or going.”

“What if we don't know?” Jessie squeaked. “What happens if we can't decide?”

“It's a very difficult choice to make. That's why your heart will make it for you.”

“What do you mean?” Claire blurted as her hands started to shake.

“As humans we often let our egos rule our decisions. We let fear stop us from reaching our true potential. We forget about love. But the heart? It never forgets. No matter what happens, no matter how hard things get, it always remembers.”

“Wait, so we aren't going to tell you what we want to do?” Gabriela whispered. “I don't understand. I've been stressing this whole time and I don't even get a vote?”

Blair reached through the darkness and took her hand. “You are going to tell me, but not with words. In just one minute, you are each going to close your eyes and let your heart answer the question. Trust me, Gabriela, it will be the right one.”

“How can you know that? What if it's not?” Jessie cried.

“If you learn one lesson from this, Jessie, I hope it's that your
heart is pure and true. Trust it, and trust yourself.” Blair glanced through the window at the glowing moon, the threat of an impending storm having disappeared. “It's time, ladies.”

Gabriela reached for her friends' hands and gripped them tightly, willing her heart to make the choices her mind could not. Tears streamed down Jessie's face as Blair's words sunk in and she realized how little she trusted herself anymore, and Claire exhaled and thought of her mother, and what she had asked her to do on her deathbed.

“And so it is.” Blair's voice threaded through their minds like a heavenly song, calm and beautiful and hopeful all at the same time. It was the last thing they heard before everything went dark.

Gabriela's feet burned as she flew across the white Cabo San Lucas sand, each touch scorching her a tiny bit before she lifted one foot up and pounded the other down, the heat providing the perfect balance of pleasure and pain as she propelled herself toward the casita. She reached the open glass French doors and put her hands on her thighs, breathing hard, but smiling widely. Running hard always made her feel alive.

“You still got it, girl!” a voice rang out, and Gabriela turned to see Claire watching her through oversized sunglasses from a blue-and-white-striped chaise longue next to a private pool, where they'd drunk too many margaritas the night before, laughing and telling stories until long after the sun had set.

“I'll take that as a compliment.” Gabriela dipped her foot in the cold pool and kicked water at Claire. “And happy birthday, by the way.”

“Thanks, I'm really feeling my age after last night,” Claire moaned. “I can't believe you went for a run! It's already so hot, how can you do it barefoot?”

Gabriela lowered herself down and dangled her feet in the infinity pool. “There's something about the heat that makes me run faster.”

“Even after all those shots we did?” Claire shook her head. “I could barely get myself from the bed to this chair! Is that how you stay in such amazing shape? Running even when you're hungover?”

Gabriela shrugged. “How can I resist that glorious beach when it's just ten feet away? Plus, I feel pretty good, considering.”

“You look pretty damn good too,” Colin called from the other side of the pool. “Get over here, woman!”

“I'm all sweaty!” Gabriela laughed.

“Just the way I like you.” A sly grin spread across Colin's face.

“Gross!” Claire lifted her magazine to block them.

Gabriela perched on the end of Colin's chair. “I can't believe we're all fifty,” she said, then muttered, “again,” thinking about how they'd let their hearts decide their fate that night nine years ago today.

Gabriela had awakened with a start the morning after the party. She'd shot up in bed, frantically searching her surroundings to understand where she had ended up—where her heart had decided she should be. She had felt both elated and terrified as she walked into her half-empty living room.
They had stayed
.

Gabriela's iPhone pinged on the ceramic table. It was a message from Angelina, her agent. She was ready to send over the contract for the three-book deal Gabriela had just been offered by her publisher.

“Who's looking for you all the way down here in Mexico?” Colin asked as he applied sunscreen to his already reddened face.

“You should grab a hat, my fair-skinned Brit!” Gabriela tossed her wide-brimmed straw hat at him. “It's Angelina. She's going to email the contract for me to sign today.”

Colin grabbed her hand and kissed it. “I'm proud of you.”

“Me too,” Gabriela said, more to herself than to him.

Nine years ago, the morning after the party, Sheila had called her, breathless, having finished Gabriela's manuscript in one sitting. Gabriela was shocked, never expecting anyone to read it, sure she was going to end up back in her old life, not still living the one she'd restarted. She had pounded out a memoir about how she lost herself so completely in the race to get pregnant. It was raw and honest (save for the part about how she'd time traveled), Gabriela not holding back even the slightest about what her quest for a baby had done to her psyche and her marriage, not to mention her body.
When Will My Baby Find Me?
had spent twenty weeks on the
New York Times
bestseller list the following year. It wasn't the fictional story Gabriela had originally written the first time she'd been forty, but that was okay. She wasn't that person anymore.