Authors: Leanne Davis
After planting her small garden, she nearly blared off trumpets when, in early June, she spotted a few sprouts. Every few days, she watered and weeded the small garden plot. She researched the various vegetables she put in, and maintained all the different particulars for each kind of plant.
Her work. The pets. The counseling. The garden, even. All of them helped her.
Most surprising of all was Bella’s continued friendship. She sought Jessie out often, just to hang out and chat over the fence, or come over, or vice versa. Finn helped Jessie out a few more times. He routinely poured her heavy dog food bags into the plastic containers she bought. He also started grabbing her garbage cans when he brought back their own from the sidewalk. He quickly fixed her garage door opener when it broke and quit lifting the door up. The landlord was supposed to fix it, but after a week with no appearance from him, Finn simply did it for her. He also never stared or ogled her, and never indulged in more than a short chat as a friendly acquaintance. He stayed back when she and Bella were together. In other words, he acted completely appropriately around her, which was a shocking, but wonderful experience for Jessie.
****
Lindsey came to Jessie a month later and tearfully told her they were moving to Virginia. A weird, convoluted story of Elliot’s family and the new business he was starting were the reasons she gave, and they “needed to be there.” Lindsey also casually mentioned she’d just been released from active duty.
Jessie’s mouth dropped open. She swiveled around on the bar stool she was sitting on. “What do you mean, you’re not on active duty anymore? What the hell, Lindsey? You love the Army.”
She shook her head, staring at her fingers. “I did. But things have changed. I love Elliot more. He wants out, and I want out. He was discharged a few months before me. Now we can move and start living our real life.”
Jessie shook her head. “I had no idea you didn’t want the military life. I thought being a soldier was what you two had in common.”
“Yes, well, now we want to do something else that’s different. It’s a good thing, Jessie, really.”
“I just thought… well, I guess I was wrong. I thought you preferred that kind of life.”
Lindsey shrugged. “You’re right about it being hard on marriages. I didn’t realize how much. I’d like it not to be so hard, and I think this move will do that. Be happy for me, Jess. Just as I will be for you when Will’s out.”
Jessie nodded, getting that about her sister. “Yeah. I guess, that’s true. It’s just, I always thought it’s what you wanted.”
“Please, don’t argue with me about it.”
Jessie let out a breath. “Okay. So five hours away, huh?”
“Just over three hundred miles. It’s not so far.”
“No, but it won’t be easy to just see each other whenever we want. I’ll miss this. Just being together spontaneously.”
Lindsey’s blue eyes filled with tears. “I know. I’ll miss you too. You can’t even imagine how much.”
When Lindsey
got up to leave, Jessie felt a hollow ache filling her stomach. Somehow, she felt like tonight marked a critical, invisible shift in her relationship with her sister. She felt like maybe they would never be the same as they were for the last few years. She shut the front door behind Lindsey. When the sadness grew too heavy on her chest, she called Bella and asked if she and Finn minded her coming over. Bella never declined, and sometimes, the endless chatter and fun Bella provided just the right cure for Jessie’s dark and dismal thoughts.
Will called that night. “Lindsey told me she’s moving.”
Jessie gripped her phone. “She called you just to make sure you talked me off the ledge, if I went bat-shit crazy, didn’t she?”
Will sighed over the line, and his tone sounded frustrated. “Yeah. She did. We’ve been there before, now haven’t we, Jessie? So you’re goddamned right your sister called me.”
“I don’t like when you two conspire. You talk about me like I’m some kind of fragile mental patient you have to figure out how to deal with. Just be honest with me. Talk to me. Treat me like the adult I am.”
“Okay, well, I can’t help if she
contacted me, sounding worried.” Will lowered his voice, “She was there too, you know.”
Jessie sat down, now utterly deflated. She pictured his face across the miles and closed her eyes. “I know. I just wish you didn’t need to check up on me like I’m a toddler.”
“I would check on you because the sister you care about, the only family you have left, is moving away from you while I’m on deployment. It’s really not always about Mexico. It’s just from my concern you’ll miss your sister. And you tend to not contact me when you
really
need me.”
Chagrinned, she stared out the window. “I’m sorry. I just miss you. I’ll miss her.”
“And that’s why she called me.”
“I have a new friend.” She hadn’t yet mentioned Bella to Will. She had to make sure she didn’t totally screw it up before she told him.
She could hear him shuffling around, talking to someone, before he came back. “Oh yeah? Who’s that?”
“We have neighbors. Imagine that! Neighborly neighbors. The husband, Finn, helped me
roto-till my new garden spot. Well, actually, he did most of it. He also fixed the garage door when it broke. And Bella, his wife, is really nice and seems to like me.”
“Where do I start? First, your garden? Second, you tried to
roto-till it? And third, you have another man fixing stuff in my house? And, of course, Bella, the wife, likes you.”
She relaxed finally and his teasing made her smile. Even across the ocean, his voice could make her smile and lift her heart right up into her tonsils. “Yes. To all of it. And it’s kinda amazing anyone likes me.”
“No, it’s not. What about the man in my house?”
She rolled her eyes at the zing of pleasure she felt over his mock jealousy. It was nice. Fun. Flirting. “Oh, baby, he fixed the hell out of that garage door opener.”
He grumbled. “Make sure that’s all he does. I should be there fixing my own damn stuff.”
She squeezed the phone in her hand, wanting that more than everything else. “I can’t wait for that.”
The teasing left his tone and he quieted before saying, “Me too. One year, two months and six days. Courage, Jessie-girl; it’s going to happen.”
She leaned her forehead into the wall next to her. “Sometimes, courage is the hardest thing to find.”
“Are you marking off the days?”
“Religiously. Every night, before I go to bed.”
“Me too. It makes me feel like I’m getting closer to you.”
“Well, sure, it’s a list you get to check off. Nothing better than that, is there, soldier?”
He growled into the receiver, “If I were there, I’d…”
“You’d what, soldier? What would you do to me?”
He laughed. “I can’t tell you that right now. I’m actually not completely alone. But when I get home… I will so show you…”
Her smile dimmed and her voice became almost desperate as she said softly, sounding nearly defeated, “When, Will? When will you be home?”
“Someday I’ll be home forever. For now, just a few more weeks,” he lowered his voice. “I love you.”
She squeezed her eyes shut to hold the tears in. Softly, she answered, “I love you too. Be careful. Okay? Just be so careful. You have a lot riding on your return. My entire life is hinging on it.”
“I know. I don’t forget that for a second.”
Bella walked in right as Jessie hung up the phone. She took one look at Jessie’s face and came over to hug her. “Husband?”
Jessie took in a shuddering breath; shocked to have someone there for her. “Yes. My sister asked him to call me. She’s moving with her husband to Virginia.”
“So you’re alone here now?”
“Essentially.”
“No, you’re not. You have Finn and me now.”
“I don’t often make friends.”
“I don’t believe that. You’re awesome! You’re so funny and fun! And I’m so glad you moved in here.”
Jessie grinned like a silly, little girl, pleased by her new friend’s words. “I am too.”
“Come on; let’s go eat some ice cream or something. You can’t sit here all alone after a day like this.”
Strangely, she didn’t have to sit there alone with a hole in her chest, longing for Will and Lindsey. She ate ice cream with Bella instead of dinner, and they talked until midnight. Finally, Finn shuffled out and asked them to quiet down. Bella walked her home, but they were giggling so hard by then, the neighbors across the street turned their porch lights on. When they opened the door to glare at them, peals of laughter from the new friends grew all the louder.
She watched Bella stumble back home as she locked the door behind her. She was smiling. Then she stopped dead. She was all alone in her house. Her sister said she was leaving her. Essentially, leaving Jessie all alone in North Carolina, at Fort Bragg, and Will was gone; and yet, she was okay. She dealt with it, and was okay. She threw her shoes off.
Progress.
Other girls had high school or college years for memories with their girlfriends. This was the first time Jessie even had a girlfriend. When Soldier and Bullet came bounding up to greet her, she leaned down and wrapped her arms around them, letting them lick her crazy. She chuckled and stood up. The worst news she had in months, and she was giggling tonight. Yeah, maybe she was okay now.
Will couldn’t do his job. He didn’t know what to do about it. He’d never been unable to perform at his best when working. But now? Now, he just wanted to go home. What the hell was that? He didn’t know what to do with the feeling. Or the tug of jealousy that filled him when Jessie mentioned Finn fixing his garage door opener, and
roto-tilling his wife’s garden. Not that he even considered, ever, that Jessie wanted her own garden. But still, it should have been him doing it. He didn’t like feeling like a spectator in her life. And what if that couple weren’t as nice as she thought? What if they hurt her?
He was a danger to himself and others.
If only his entire focus wasn’t centered on a little house in North Carolina. He had no idea it would be like this. When he left Jessie before, he just put her in a little box, tied it up and packed it away at the back of his brain. Done. Compartmentalized. Just as he did with Gretchen. No fear, or anxiety. He could turn himself into the robot he was often accused of being on more than one occasion.
But now… suddenly, he could not get there. It wasn’t funny either. It was messing with his head, his heart, and his ability to think and react. It was messing up everything. He didn’t want to think about her. He wanted to put her away, as cold as it sounded, because that’s how he survived. It’s the only way he could live with what he did. But now he couldn’t get there, and he didn’t know what to do.
“Hey, Captain Hendricks? You ready?”
He turned at the sound of his name and nodded absently. No. He was never ready anymore. All he wanted to do was go home.
And fuck! If it wasn’t the most annoying, awful feeling he ever had.
****
“Do you want to come meet them?” Bella asked Jessie. They were shopping for new summer outfits. Jessie glanced at the tank top before her, thinking the weather would be scorching today, in the high nineties.
“The church group? No offense, but I won’t fit in.”
“Why?” Bella asked, shaking her head to the shirt Jessie was eyeing up. “Of course, you’ll fit in. They’ll love you.”
“No offense, Bella, but my past isn’t something that most people deem acceptable. So, no your friends won’t consider me proper company.”
“It’s not a Bible meeting; we’re just all friends from church. You’re way over analyzing it. You don’t have to convert or anything.”
“It’s not about being religious. It’s about not fitting in.”
“I don’t care what you say, you will fit in. Please, come. You need more friends! We’ve established that. And you refuse to reach out to other Army wives. My friends are really nice. You like me, don’t you?”
Bella and Jessie had several long conversations about why Jessie didn’t seek out other Army wives for help and support. Bella had caught a few of them coming to Jessie’s door. Jessie simply didn’t answer, pretending not to be home. Bella had known she was and demanded to know why Jessie was being so rude.
Jessie adamantly refused to go on base. She was not like what she considered a “real” Army spouse. She was weak and small and totally unworthy. She knew they’d sense it within minutes of meeting her. They had reached out to her on more than one occasion. She did everything but slam the door in their faces. Most were woman and they all looked like her mother: so neat and calm and self-sacrificing. Wonderful, capable, brave women, and nothing like her. Jessie didn’t sacrifice. Therefore she was not worthy of these woman’s help.
She was lucky to have Will for a husband. She knew that. However, he was not as lucky to have her for his wife. She did nothing to advance his career, or ease his life with the other soldier’s families.
Fortunately, most people liked Will, or Jessie could have totally ruined his reputation. Most of them thought Will married a snobby, unfeeling bitch, the daughter of the general who hung himself. She didn’t care enough to correct them. It exhausted her to think about it. She just let it stand. She was sorry that Will was embarrassed by her, but unable to find the strength to change it.
Finally, she nodded. “Yes, I like you. It’s just… I won’t fit in.”
“You will too! Stop it. Just come tonight.”
“It will be all couples.”
“So? You can be our couple.”
She rolled her eyes, “Bella, Finn is going to kick me out and padlock the door. I take up a lot of your time.”
“He’s so glad I finally have someone to chat to besides him. Now, get that shirt there, it’s a perfect match for your coloring. Besides, we need to go to lunch before my stomach starts gnawing on itself. I’m so hungry.”
****
Jessie walked into Bella’s living room as her hands started to sweat. How could she have agreed to this? Inside were five different couples, all in varying ages, and some into their early forties. They were all casually dressed and chatting with their cocktails and usual appetizers. Jessie wore a modest, knee-length skirt and pretty blouse. She kept rubbing her sweaty palms on the folds of her skirt. She hadn’t been to a party like this since she lived with her father. She cringed at the thought of that. The general was not her father, but still, sometimes, she thought of him that way. It should not have become a habit. But a lifetime spent with the man who most terrorized her was hard to let go of in merely a matter of months.
He often hosted dinner parties at their house, inviting his friends. He’d charm them with his smile and commanding air. He was a lot to take. His opinion of himself was clear and impressive. People might not have liked him, but they all respected him, as well as his power, his authority, and his position. That was why they came to his parties.
She shook her head. It was just Bella’s friends, some she’d had since high school. It was no big deal. No one was judging her. No one could hurt her. She was being ridiculous!
After being introduced around, and shaking hands, Jessie smiled and made idle conversation, behaving the way her father always wanted her to. But she could never manage it back then. Now, however, she learned how, and easily demonstrated her social flare.
Bella inserted her arm through Jessie’s with a warm smile. “It’s good, right?”
Jessie smiled. “Yes, it’s good.”
“I told you. You hide yourself away too much.”
Bella didn’t know why, and there was no occasion to tell her. No reason either.
“Oh, and this is my brother, Logan, and his wife, Sheryl,” Bella said as another couple walked in. They deposited two bowls of salad on the buffet table.
The couple turned towards her and smiled with their hands out. Logan squinted at her and asked, “Did I go to high school with you? You look familiar.”
Jessie froze. Her smile dipped and her heart fluttered painfully while blushing pink stained her cheeks. He recognized her. From the news? From her porn tape? Where? Where did he know Jessie Bains from? Thinking they went to high school together would make sense as he tried to place her face. Or body. As she well knew, it could easily have been both.
She half turned her face away. “Uh, I don’t think so. I didn’t go to high school close to here.” She once attended a private school, but managed to get kicked out of it. She received her high school diploma through a correspondence
course, created just for her, and at her father’s insistence.
Logan frowned and shook his head, “Huh. I’d swear I met you somewhere else.”
“I don’t think so.”
“Jessie grew up an Army brat.”
That comment caught several nearby friends’ attentions, and they soon started asking her about it. She should have never come there. It was all so casual. Easy. Talking about growing up. It should have been normal to talk about her father, and the Army and the places she lived.
Instead, visions of the filthy men he brought home filled her mind, making her chest tight.
Finally, the conversation eased and she glimpsed an opportunity to slip away after barely picking at her dinner. She was hiding in a relative corner of the room when she glanced up to find Logan staring, yet again, at her. His eyebrows were drawn together. He really thought he knew her. Her stomach felt like cement. She hoped her familiarity to him wasn’t coming from the internet.
He sat down finally, near her. “You’re that girl. The general’s daughter? The general who hung himself
last summer? I saw it on the news.”
She blew a slow breath out. “Yes. I am.”
“You knew I recognized you from that story. Why didn’t you say so?”
“I don’t really like to talk about it.”
He nodded towards the bedroom, and said, “I had to look it up to figure it out.”
The stain on her face could have matched the stain on her soul. She kept her expression neutral,
and her tight smile in place. “Oh?”
“Uh, yes. Some other things came up.”
She closed her eyes and turned away. “Yes, I imagine they did. Did you want something?”
“Does Bella know?”
“No. I doubt it. It’s not something I volunteer or publicize.”
Digging her fingernails into her opposite palm, she wished Will were there with an intensity she hadn’t felt in quite awhile. She wished he were there to stand up for her, to approach the prying jerk-off and dare him to say another word about her. She could picture him bristling, unfolding his mammoth arms and waiting for the chance to take out the man if he tried to embarrass or hurt her. That image, strangely, even then, made her smile. Will would do that for her. He would protect her like that. If only he were there.
But he wasn’t.
“Does Bella know what? What are you two over here whispering about?” Bella smiled happily, her eyes glazed over with drink. She giggled as she sat down dramatically between her brother and Jessie.
“That she makes sex tapes,” Logan said, gritting his teeth.
“She makes…” Bella frowned and hit her brother’s arm. “Don’t be stupid. Jessie doesn’t make porn. She’s married. To a hot soldier.”
“I saw it.”
Jessie shut her eyes and turned her head. She knew what Logan saw of her. Her embarrassment was overbearing and swift. Bella glanced at Jessie, and her face suddenly changed. “What do you mean, you saw it?”
“I mean, your friend here is a porn star.”
Bella frowned as she shifted around, “Jessie, that isn’t true, is it? You’re not into porn, are you?”
Bella spoke too loud. Several people looked their way and listened, suddenly interested as “porn” was a word that drew all kinds of people’s attention.
Jessie stood up and pushed her drink to the nearest table. She didn’t look around and they all became a blur to her. “Excuse me. I have to go.”
She rushed out of the house, across their lawn and into her own. Shoving her front door shut, she locked every door while rushing around and closing the blinds. Soon she was enclosed, inside, alone. No one could get to her. Or see her. Or accuse her. She ignored Soldier and Bullet’s ecstatic greeting, as she walked into the bedroom.
****
The ringing phone brought her out of what felt like a drugged sleep. She grabbed it with a mumble. “What?”
“Jess? Are you okay?”
She closed her eyes.
Will.
His voice seemed to amplify and echo in her brain. How did he know? He sounded panicked. Weird. Worried. She sighed and rolled over, clutching the phone to her ear. “What do you mean?”
“I mean, your friend, Bella,
had Lindsey contact me because she was so worried about you. She said you were humiliated at her house and now you wouldn’t answer the door, or any of her calls.”
“No shit,” Jessie mumbled. She was angry Bella would bother Will. Just what he did not need to worry about while he was gone. “She actually called
you
?” Jessie was horrified.
“She did
n’t. But she had Lindsey’s number and Lindsey hunted me down. Since, as usual you don’t call me and tell me yourself when something is upsetting you. What the hell happened?”
“I went to a party I shouldn’t have. Her brother recognized me. He couldn’t place where he knew me from, so he looked me up and figured it out after he
found the tape I made. The porn that thousands have seen. Or more. How do you do it? How can you stand to be married to a woman who embodies so much filth out there?”
Will blew a sigh into the phone. As always, calmly and quietly, he said, “You know how.”
“No. No, I really don’t. You should have seen the shock and disgust I observed in this room of normal people. You can just click a button and see me naked and watch me having sex.”
He was quiet. “You know I’ve watched it.”
She nearly convulsed at the thought; it so sickened her. He continued, “That girl is now my wife. That girl was a heartbreaking mess, but it was caused by the acts of other people, and what they did to her.”
She gripped the phone and whispered, “I’m dirty, Will. It makes me feel so dirty. That it’s out there. That I did it willingly… that I—”
His voice was low and tender when he spoke, “You are not dirty. Not now. Not then. You were just a little girl, trying to make sense of your pain. Sometimes, I still see that girl. Other times, she’s buried in your past. Either way, I consider it a gift to be with her.”