Authors: Leanne Davis
If this wasn’t love, what was it? The feelings lodged in her throat and nearly choked her. She’d had plenty of emotions in her life that choked her. Dark, terrible emotions that caused her to draw her own blood. Emotions that spoke to her in the night, and which she feared would convince her to draw enough blood to end all the pain that accompanied her constantly. But this was entirely different. This was beautiful. There was something light and strange lifting in her chest. This was so different. She felt as if the fireworks in the sky were bursting through her circulatory system. Her blood felt warm, not evil, or something she wanted to see streaming over her skin. She turned her head, blinded by the sheer beauty of the night, and the feeling that things, and her entire life, would never feel this way again. Ever. No way. She never felt that kind of purity inside her before. She never felt real happiness before. It was always tinged by the evil that lived inside her.
But this was softness, and innocence. This was the stuff she heard described by everyone else, but never totally, or completely felt. It was as if there was always a thin, invisible membrane that surrounded her entire body, keeping out just enough of the good that everything she experienced was always tinged by her sordid past.
This was overwhelming, and she loved it. But she didn’t trust it. She wanted it to last in her chest forever. But she knew she could blink and it would be gone. She’d blink and wake up, alone in her father’s house, without Will. Or he’d be dead. But not the general. There was no way, was there? Was she really here, with him? Was she really happy? Was she really loved? How? How could this become her happy ending? After everything else, how did they get here?
She turned her head into his chest and pulled her legs up closer to her torso. Then she shifted and crawled completely onto his lap. The tears filled her eyes and choked her throat. She felt him looking down at her, startled by her sudden movement, while ignoring the beauty of the show. Her hands clutched his shoulders and he moved to accommodate her. She felt like she couldn’t breathe and twisted his shirt fabric in her fists. His hands moved to hold her closer against his big, solid, warm, and alive chest.
“Jessie? Don’t you want to watch the show?” His tone was quiet and concerned. She clutched him, half turning, until she was completely hidden from the crowd.
She shook her head against his chest. His hand came up to stroke her hair. Her breath was warm by the strange cocoon she made against him.
The show ended and the crowd began to move. He started to shift, but she panicked and clutched his shoulders, trying to hold him there, forever. Couldn’t they stay like this together, safe and happy? How often would this feeling consume her so fully again? Never. It had never before. So why would
it ever again? It was her supernova. It was the first time she could ever consciously remember feeling that way.
“Don’t move,” she said, her mouth pressed into his chest. He might have thought she lost her mind, but then, he was also used to that with her.
He quit moving and didn’t say anything. His arms still flexed, holding her against his body. His hands held her shoulders as he rubbed her. His head was bent down, with his face close to hers. The crowd dispersed and the lights of the sky faded. The night air started to chill. Still, she sat there quiet, calm, safe, and happy. Minutes past.
His hand came up and slid onto her face. His index finger traced her cheek, feeling the damp wetness there. He finally, gently, tilted her head back enough to look down at her. He leaned down and his lips touched her cheek, and the dampness. She pressed her cheek into his lips and the gesture, so sweet and small, was huge and grand, making her tears fall harder.
“What happened?” he asked softly, his lips moving against her temple.
“I-I’m… happy,” she said, shaking her head, knowing how stupid she sounded. She’d been clutching at him like a helpless newborn for a ridiculous amount of time; and all over a stupid outdoor fireworks show that a thousand other people witnessed around them.
His laugh was as soft as the breeze. He suddenly pressed her even closer to him, his arms flexing around her. “You’re happy?”
She took in a shuddering breath and nodded. “I don’t think I’ve ever felt it before.”
He shifted and lifted her chin with his hand to look into his eyes, sighing deeply. “I see,” he said while his eyes roved over her face. “And you were crying because you’re afraid it will end. That it won’t last?”
“It won’t. I won’t feel it again.”
“You will, Jessie.” Will’s tone was insistent. “You will feel this again. I promise you. It won’t be the last time. Okay? This won’t disappear.”
“I’m not used to it. It isn’t a very trustworthy feeling.”
“Because it feels good inside of you for once?”
She nodded slowly. He nodded with her. He smiled and her heart shrunk and expanded to hold it. “I wish I knew the things you needed to hear. But I don’t. Not really. But I do know it all comes down to, I love you, Jessie. You’re my beginning and end now. That’s it for me.”
“I doubted it. I doubted if I really knew what love was. That you could really love me. Jessie Bains. The things I’ve done. The things I am. The things that have happened to me…”
“Are all the things that are part of you and I love those too. I can sit here all night if you need to. I can do that every day if you need to. I can do whatever you need.”
“But that doesn’t make happiness.”
“When I almost died, the only thing that meant anything to me, was you. So you know what? Yeah, it is enough. Loving you however you need it is enough. And I promise you, this will not be the last time you feel happiness.”
She leaned her head on his shoulder. “It’s nicer than I thought it would feel.”
“Yeah, well being with you is nicer than I ever thought too.”
****
She felt small in his arms. Like a fragile bird he could accidentally break, and he tried to be more aware of his strength around her. Not to trap her in. Or hold her down. Never to remind her of what other men once did to her.
She was and always had been the most complicated woman Will ever met. He felt the physical change in her body. He had no idea what was causing it or where she was going with it. He just knew she’d gone somewhere. Somewhere in that labyrinth that dwelt inside her head. It was a black hole that often threatened to sink her heart, mind and soul. It shrouded her innocence and tried to ruin everything for her. From her moods, to her emotions, to her relationships. Even theirs. He knew that chapter wasn’t done. There was enough residue of evil left over in her still that it nearly drowned all her good intentions to be healthy and whole. It could all come back. It ebbed and flowed in her. It was her mental prison for the rest of her life.
It was the thing that so twisted his heart and made his brain want to break things was that he couldn’t totally eradicate what they did to her. He could never undo
the damage those men caused inside of her, both the men her father let rape her, as well as the monsters who tortured her in Mexico. He could not love her enough to wipe out the things that happened to her before he ever knew her. He could never fully complete her.
The thing was, he was having a hard time accepting that. What they did to a young, innocent girl nearly totally destroyed her. And not one of them paid for it. She paid for it. Jessie did all the paying. It was so fucking wrong, he sometimes felt choked by the unjustness, and the unfairness of it.
The reason he ran from loving her was because she was so heartbreaking, it was hard for him to be in love with her. Not because he didn’t love her, or didn’t want to love her, but because of all the damage that was done to her, which changed how she could love him in return.
But to get nearly panicked with him because she felt… happy? He didn’t know what to do with that. Who never felt happiness before? Right down to your toes, joy and happiness? She didn’t even recognize it. If he could have handed over his heart to her, he would have. How much pain could one person carry
in them not to trust a burst of happiness filling them? That helplessness he felt when faced with the emotional damage done to her was something that threatened to suffocate him.
And the reason he did not want to love her.
It was also the reason he would never again fucking leave her. Not willingly. If he could do one thing in his macho, stupid, pointless life, it would be to make Jessie believe when she felt happiness, it was real. It was deserved. And it would happen again.
He felt happiness often in his life. From friends. From Gretchen. From being here, for God’s sake. Everyone felt happiness, didn’t they? He couldn’t even count how many times he felt happy. But Jesus fucking Christ! Jessie didn’t even recognize it. He drew in a breath. Sometimes, the burden of her despair threatened to drown him as well as her. The magnitude of what he was up against with her could twist him all up inside. It was daunting to imagine what could happen, and what could come. There was no way there wouldn’t be more to deal with. More of the old Jessie. And now, Jessie of new. There would never be a completely settled, normal Jessie. He felt the anxiety unsettling his gut.
But the thing was: he could live with the anxiety. It was better than no Jessie.
One day at a time. That’s how she survived it, and that’s how they’d figure this out. All of it. One day at a time.
“Will?”
“Yeah,” he asked when she finally peeked up at him.
“I’m kind of hungry now.”
He smiled. And that’s how she did it. She dre
w him back to the here and now. Jessie. Right before him. The magic of that moment. “I can fix that.”
She finally released him and stood up. “You can fix a lot of things.”
Not enough though. “I can check the map.”
That made her smile. “I like the map.”
He stood up and joined her, careful to take her hand. He was beginning to see he could never do enough positive things for her.
The first week was unlike any Jessie ever spent. They were so busy seeing Disneyland, their feet blistered and ached each night, as if bruised. They hit every single attraction they could. They ate and swam and had sex. They talked, and joked and kissed everywhere. He showed her many of the things he and Tony Lindstrom did together, along with occasional offhand comments about when he went there with Gretchen’s family.
“There’s where we stayed when we came here to celebrate high school graduation,” Will said, pointing to a nearby hotel. She glanced over, and he grimaced. “Sorry, I keep doing that. There’re just memories, you know? She shared a big part of my youth. Her family was… good to me.”
“Better than your mother, you mean?”
He laughed a sarcastic, sour sound. “Anything was better than her. But I shouldn’t keep mentioning my ex-wife and her family.”
“If you can deal with my past; then believe me, I can deal with your much more normal one of having an ex-wife and childhood family you could rely on. I can hear those memories, Will. I want to hear them. I want to know everything about you.”
He smiled with a crooked lift to his mouth, “Even my ex-wife? Really, I half married her just for her family. They were what I always wanted and imagined. Nice parents. Middle class, normal house, nice siblings. I was alone most of my childhood. I had no one. Not even a sibling to share my loneliness. It’s probably why I became such a good soldier. I can be alone. I prefer being alone to needing anyone. I was always self-sufficient. So the Army sending me away on a mission was easy. My mom, when not in a drunken stupor, was simply absent. She wasn’t mean to me or anything. She just didn’t care.”
“She neglected you, Will. Ignoring a young child is neglect, plain and simple. And it’s not okay. I’m glad you had Gretchen’s family.”
He suddenly stopped, stepping off the sidewalk to avoid the strolling crowds and wrapping her in his arms. “You know what I dream about now?”
“What?”
“You and me having that normal. Being nice parents, with kids who are decent, fun, loving siblings to each other. That’s what I dream about now.”
“You want us to have kids? As in plural?”
He chuckled as he caught her expression. “Never have just one. It isn’t fun being all alone as a kid. But yeah, I want to have kids. Not tomorrow. But someday? Yeah. The someday after we’ve survived the Army.”
She sighed. “That’s as far as I can see right now. I can’t imagine what you just described. I didn’t live that. I didn’t witness that. So I just can’t imagine it. But it sounds… really nice.”
“It is.”
Jessie tilted her neck back to look into his eyes. “Why didn’t you make that life with Gretchen?”
He scratched his head. “I should have. I married her thinking I would. I was with her forever, and I just assumed it would all work, and that life would come. But I felt itchy with restlessness whenever I came home. I didn’t like living with her day in and day out. I wanted to be gone. I looked forward to the missions. I wanted to live more in the Army than with her. It was a shock to me. I wasn’t a very good husband to her.”
“And somehow you think
I
am going to motivate you to want to stay home more? If you didn’t want to with Gretchen, why would you ever think you’d want to with
me
? I mean, I’m an awful choice for that dream you just described.”
“You just don’t get it, do you? I love you in ways I’ve never loved anyone. Ever. I didn’t even know I could feel this way. I thought I loved Gretchen. That’s what I’m telling you. I married her, believing I was completely in love with her. How I felt for her was as deep as
my feelings can be. But then, you came along. And I knew it wasn’t. I loved her, but not like I love you. I can’t even describe the difference. It’s shocking. I know now, what she felt for me was not what I felt for her. I regret the years I took from her. But I know now that the reason it never felt right to want that life with Gretchen was because I didn’t love her enough for it to feel right. I love you enough. So it’s right.”
She sighed and leaned into his chest. He really scared her when he said things like that. There was so much that could go wrong for them. So much she could do that would destroy them. She ruined so much in her life; how could she not destroy this?
****
They left Disneyland for Huntington Beach, where the world disappeared for them. Their small, condo was self-equipped so they hibernated. They walked on the beach and stared at the ocean at sunset. They walked on the pier and let the sunshine dry out their souls. They lived the life that most normal, happy couples enjoy at some point. They lived for each other. They talked and were silent. They had sex. They cuddled. They were, for once, merely in love, a couple spending time together.
Jessie finally understood that happiness wasn’t really a supernova. It was actually kind of a regular thing. It popped up at the oddest times, the nicest times, and even occurred during sex. It was seeing Will grinning at her over a cup of coffee in a small little café as the sunlight streamed in the windows and they watched the colorful variety of southern Californians heading to the beach. It came with sand in her toes and Will trying, rather ineptly, to fly a kite while the ten-year-old behind him managed to accomplish it better and faster. It was seeing Will as he looked on, perplexed over what he was doing wrong. It happened when he was inside her and he reached up to grasp her face in his hands while staring into her eyes as if she were the last breathing woman alive on earth, and he had to make sure she knew she was his.
It came when he simply tugged her hand, pulling her toward him and hugging her.
It came because she refused to allow her pain to build a wall between them. It came when she simply let herself stand there, today, now, and accept whatever happened to her.
The thing was: nothing good ever lasted for Jessie, so she never learned to simply trust in the “now” and believe when good was real.
Finally, with Will, it was.
****
As the plane touched down, and North Carolina returned to her eyesight, she sighed. Home. She bit her lip as they returned home where real life awaited. Life that needed to be relearned together. The life she had to make sure didn’t destroy both of them.
Will reported back to base, while she tried to add more personality to the apartment. But it felt like dressing a whore in respectable clothes while still working the trade; she just didn’t like the apartment. For too long she was huddled inside it, afraid, weak, needy and scared. Too many times, she bled out in the tiny bathroom. Too many times, she pictured Will walking out the door and leaving her again.
The first night Will walked in after work, he burst through the door with a grin, yelling out, “Honey, I’m home. What’s for dinner?”
She tried in vain to fill her day,
and made an actual meal for him, something she’d only done a few times in their brief history. She was happy she did it when he grabbed her in a huge hug as he eyed the meal simmering on the stove. At the same moment, he seemed obviously surprised she actually prepared something for dinner. He nuzzled her neck, muttering how he missed her. She tried to inquire politely about his day and he waved her off with nothing new, same old. She wondered if he understood his job was never the same old. And how she worried that someday, not going to a job that required him to dodge bullets and bombs would bore him to the point he’d hate her for making him leave it. She clamped her anxiety down. Now. He was here now, and that’s all that mattered.
He let her go briefly and turned, but came back with a plastic bag from which he pulled out stuff before setting it on the counter.
“I have something for you.”
He often brought things for her, which shocked her senses. He came home with odd things, little things she mentioned, or asked for, and some she didn’t even think of. Yet, he made every effort to get them for her.
She stepped closer to see what he had. He pulled out three calendars: one big one and two small ones.
He took the big one and pinned it to the wall right over the phone. Taking out a marker, he scratched off the dates until he got to the present day. He stepped back, nodding as if in approval.
“What are you doing?”
“Five-year calendars. I marked the day I finish active duty. I have one, you have one and we share one.”
Her heart expanded in her chest. “And we can mark the days off?”
He grinned as if to say
exactly!
“Countdown to when we’re free, Jessie-girl.”
She picked up the small one and flipped through until she found THE date, which she touched with her fingertip. “This will be a good day,” she said quietly.
He turned and picked her up, setting her on the counter, and leaning in to kiss her soundly. “We will have plenty of good days until then. That’s a target. Not the entire destination. We will have a good life until then. We are not in a holding pattern until then; got it?”
She giggled and saluted. Only Will Hendricks had the ability to make her giggle as he leaned on the counter, his arms on each side of her, trapping her in. “Aye, aye, Captain.”
With a growl, he grabbed her and started for the small bedroom. She squealed, “The dinner!”
He lowered her to the bed with a gleam in his eye, “Dinner will still be there.” He kissed her and his hands started unbuttoning her shirt.
****
A few weeks passed, which were decent. She was ecstatic when Will
got home. Each and every night, he came home and her heart simply raced, making her blood thrash inside her veins. Will was coming home to her! It was an excitement she could never explain to anyone who never experienced having a loved one go off to war. She appreciated it in ways she could not understand. She appreciated him so much. She made sure she was always dressed, her makeup on nice, but subtle, and her hair brushed until it glistened. She cooked a different meal every night. She started early, so if she screwed it up, she had time to fix it. She shopped and made sure Will never wanted for anything. She bought odds and ends that warmed up the apartment and their lives. When he walked in the door each evening, she was smiling, happy, and well-groomed. The apartment soon reflected those attributes too. She exercised religiously too in an effort to keep her weight down. Something that used to be easy for her no longer was. She dieted just so Will didn’t notice. She could not get fat again. She wasn’t as skinny as she used to be, but in better shape than the fat girl he found in Washington state. He tried to convince her she wasn’t, but she knew better.
She began a routine; she had to. Her emotions made her stomach roil, and being back there with Will returning to his routine, or as much as the Army allowed. He went to work and she was simply there. She called Lindsey a lot, as well as Noah, asking about work. She missed the animals most of all. They always made her feel better. They calmed her, and she liked giving them care.
She was bored out of her mind. Each morning, she woke up alone and groaned at the lump of cement that hit her chest when she realized it would be close to ten hours before the day would grow tolerable; and Will came home. But that was enough. More than enough. To look forward to seeing and spending the evening with Will was more than she ever dreamed she’d have. So she made it as perfect as she could.
She was floundering a bit. It was very hard to have so many hours spent alone with nothing and no one to break it up, while occupying the very place that she was once nearly incinerated in.
She was back to lying low in the apartment; but this time in order to avoid drawing attention to herself from the media. Still it felt a lot like when she used to huddle there in extreme, debilitating depression.
She called Lindsey a lot, but Lindsey was often at the base too. A place she refused to go. She hated it. It made her stomach turn and her fingers itch to dig into her skin, so she avoided it. Still, it was hard to be so happy sometimes, and others
so not.
****
“What the fuck was that?” Will whispered into her ear. They had just stepped away from her sister’s front door after Lindsey shut it. She giggled and put her finger to his lips to shush him until they got away from Lindsey’s house.
She liked Lindsey’s small, neat rambler the first time she saw it. But now, she didn’t like it all. Not after listening to Elliot Johanson talk about what a joke it was. And how soon they’d be getting out of there and finally living in a decent home.
They slid into the car together and let out a laugh as they met each other’s gaze. “So it wasn’t just me?”
Will shook his head as he started the car. “What an asshole!”
Jessie nodded. “I know. That was my first thought within twenty minutes of meeting him. He’s handsome, but in no time, all I could think of was a cold fish-face staring at me. I swear to you, the hairs on my arms rose.”
Will threw his head back with a laugh. “I was thinking more
Rise of the Vampires
. Cold fuck, isn’t he?”
“Did you see how he treated Lindsey? He had her fumbling around like she never had me in her house before. I mean, in what damn planet would Lindsey sit me down all formal-like and serve me appetizers? Me! I mean, we usually sit at the bar and scrounge around whatever food we can find. We don’t sit down to formal dinners with linen-fucking-napkins. I didn’t even recognize her. When his glass was empty, he tapped it with his finger and she jumped up, still chewing her food as she ran to fill it! Ugh! I’d smack you on the head if you tapped your empty glass at me like I was your dog, and trained to respond.”