We slept for several hours twisted around each other. Smoke had arrived the following afternoon and told us that all was cool. He suggested we stay at the cabin for a couple more days to recover. In fact, he insisted we do so to allow all the dust to settle.
As a show of good faith, Malachi had still given Elias’s organization—what was left of them—proof that he had destroyed the evidence, so that they didn’t suspect the Disciples’ involvement with the feds. I’ll admit, that information stunned me.
And when I looked at Jude, at the intensity in his eyes, he also understood with far more gravity that lives were put on the line to not only take down his stepfather, but to save Jude as well.
Jude spoke to Alex while I called my boss, telling him I was sick and asking for a couple more days off. Then I talked to my grandmother and told her that Jude and I had gone out of town for the weekend and had taken the dogs. She could tell there was something more to my story but she didn’t push for information.
As the day lapsed into night, I felt better. My head was merely a dull ache and the painkillers were helping. Jude stayed quiet and remote, as if he had curled up inside of himself. I didn’t want to force him to talk because even though I saw no visible signs of injury besides his battered cheek, I knew that what he’d gone through must’ve been emotionally distressing.
The dogs played; we walked along the property to get some fresh air, and had barely spoken two words. It was like being back at square one with Jude. And I didn’t have the wherewithal or guts to drag anything out of him. Deep down I was terrified to know what was going on inside his head, because I could only imagine the posttraumatic feelings that Jude was facing. I heard when Alex had told him that he might feel down or anxious and then had given him a number to call should he need to speak with a trauma expert.
As we got ready for bed, it felt like we were going through the motions. When he lay beside me and stared up at the ceiling, it seemed like we only coexisted. Though we still reached wordlessly for each other in the middle of the night, this felt different. More desperate. Despondent. A last-ditch attempt to cling to something normal, something real. But nothing was normal. And I questioned whether or not it would ever be normal again.
By the following night, I had convinced myself that Jude was gearing up to tell me something. To tell me we were over. After all we’d been through.
Now that the threat was finally gone and we could live out in the open, we were finished. Maybe he wanted to start a new life someplace else, far away from the people who used him as a pawn. Maybe it would help him finally feel free. To at least breathe more freely.
Perhaps he felt guilty that I’d been waiting on him and now he wanted to leave. The fear of hearing those words from him was so enormous; it felt like a lead weight pressing directly on my chest and crushing my soul.
After another quiet night sitting on the back porch, Jude finally looked at me. Really looked at me. As if seeing me for the first time. As if he’d stumbled out of a dense fog.
“What’s wrong?” he said, shocking me out of my own head.
“I . . . what do you mean?” I mumbled. “Nothing.”
“Then why haven’t you tried talking to me?”
“What?” I said, completely confounded by his question. “I was just giving you space. Time.”
“Give it to me straight,” he said and there was a steely resolve in his eyes.
It seemed as if a full minute had gone by as we stared each other down.
“I guess . . .” I swallowed roughly. “Guess I was just preparing myself.”
The hands on his lap turned into tight fists. “For what?”
I broke eye contact with him and studied the floor. “For you to tell me good-bye.”
His shut his eyes and inhaled a deep breath. “Why the bloody hell would you say that?”
“Thought maybe you want to start off fresh. New town, new people. I might remind you too much. . . .” I sucked air through my nose. “I can take Chopper. You can make a different life for yourself.”
He stood up suddenly and stalked over to me. “Do you know what I was thinking about when Elias was holding me prisoner?”
I lifted one shaky hand to my hair. “I can only guess . . . I was afraid you were going to find a way to . . . to . . . after what you told me about never being hurt by him again . . .”
“Fucking Christ.” He knelt down in front of me, his hand reaching for mine. “I thought about
you
. Hoping you were all right. That you were waiting for me. Hoping like
hell
you were waiting for me.”
My breaths were harsh and choppy.
“I was thinking that since my mum was killed, I haven’t belonged anywhere. To anyone,” he said. “And there you stand. Like the keeper of all of my dreams. And suddenly there’s someplace I
desperately
want to belong.”
I felt a tear roll down my cheek and he swiped it with his thumb.
“Goddamn, Cory.” He rushed his fingers through my hair. “I imagined what you were going through and how it would be so much worse if I . . . if I . . . So the thought of you waiting for me kept me going.”
I bit my lip hard, trying to keep all of my emotions in check. So that I didn’t slide to the floor in a boneless heap.
“And when Malachi told me you were okay, I felt such bloody relief,” he said, closing his eyes. “But then I instantly felt fear. That you . . . that all of this was too much for you . . . that maybe you didn’t want me—
this
—after all. The guilt of everything I’d put you through completely paralyzed me.”
That was why he hadn’t been responsive to me. I was waiting on him and he was fucking waiting on me. Goddamn it.
“Jude—”
“Thing is,” he said, cutting me off. “I’d go through it all over again if it meant I got to have you.”
His head sank to my lap and I heard a whimper burst from his throat. I burrowed my fingers in his scalp as he opened the floodgates and finally allowed himself to cry.
For himself. His sister. His mother.
His shoulders shook as he wept openly. As if he’d been holding it in for years.
I looked up at the stars in the night sky and thanked the universe for bringing this incredible man into my life.
“Baby, I’m not going anywhere,” I said, wrapping my arms around his shoulders and pulling him into my chest. “I want to be with you so badly it physically hurts.”
“I need you to show me,” he said, grabbing my face and smashing his lips against mine. There was an overwhelming desperation in that kiss and I felt it so viscerally, like a direct blow to my gut. “Show me I belong to you. Please fucking
show
me, Cory.”
And then realization dawned on me. I understood what he wanted and what he needed. I stood and pulled him with me, gathering his face, and devastating his mouth with a deep and bruising kiss.
I led him to the bedroom and took my time undressing him, feathering tender kisses over every part of his beautiful body. I got him ready for me. My mouth was on his cock. My fingers were in his ass. My heart was in my throat. I was nearly blinded by how profoundly I wanted him. In my life. Forever.
I laid him on his back and knelt between his legs.
I rolled on a condom and slicked it with lube. He lifted his knees as I pressed inside of him. Slowly and deeply I filled him as his nails embedded into my thighs. I nipped and kissed his neck and shoulders and lips, relishing the moans emitting from his throat.
“You belong to me,” I growled between quick and shallow thrusts. “And I belong to you.”
He trembled and studied my face, as if searching for the truth inside my eyes. I sank down on my forearms, my choppy breaths against his lips, as I continued to plunge inside, filling him up with everything I had.
“You fucking mean everything to me.” I roughly kissed his lips. “And you’re all mine.”
I tried not to focus on how tight and hot he was. How painfully hard I was. How close I was to losing my mind and coming undone inside of him.
This was about him. Giving him what he needed. And right then he needed
me
.
I captured a patch of skin at the hollow of his throat, marking him with my lips and teeth and tongue. I bit and licked my way down his collarbone and sucked on his nipples until he thrashed and moaned. Clutching his cock between us, I pumped him solid and steady.
“I love you, Jude York,” I whispered as he shuddered beneath me and blew apart so hard, his teeth were clattering.
***
The next morning, Jude joined me on the porch with a fresh cup of coffee.
“It’s nice out here,” I said, looking toward the woods. “Do you miss living in the countryside?”
“Sometimes,” he said. “But I’d miss the concrete, too.”
“Bet you would, Mr. Daredevil.”
When he finally smiled at me after such a long stretch, I thought my chest would burst open with relief.
We took the dogs in the yard and threw them the ball for a long while until there was a rumble of thunder and we both arched our heads toward the sky.
Then he kissed me, soft and slow, his lips tasting mine—top and then bottom. His mouth was warm and gentle, almost cautious. Like he was showing me how much everything meant to him.
He murmured my name and told me that he loved me.
We pulled apart and Jude laid his head against my shoulder as a light mist of rain coated our skin. We stayed that way—our fingers interlaced—leaning, shifting, breathing, until we collected ourselves.
We went inside and silently began gathering our belongings, both of us having the exact same idea. To get home and resume living. This time, more freely.
I reached for him and held his face in my hands.
“So what
now
?” he said, his breath heavy, his eyes dreamy.
“I’m not sure,” I murmured, kissing his ear. “We’ll figure it out.”
His voice was cautious, momentarily uncertain. “Together?”
I breathed against his hair. “Together. Always together.”
My lips trailed down his throat. “Just like this.”
I felt him shiver against me.
“And
this.
” I placed his hand on my pounding heart and held it there, letting him feel what he did to me, what he
meant
to me.
“And this.” My thumb skimmed over his bottom lip, right before he pulled my mouth to his, his tongue plunging and tasting, kissing me senseless.
“Let’s go home,” he whispered against my lips.
“Where’s home?” I asked, hoping this meant we no longer needed to be apart.
He stared into my eyes. “Anyplace you are.”
To my agent, Sara Megibow—for being such a champion of this book and genre. Could I have anybody better in my corner? Thank you for everything.
To my Penguin team—the art department for my amazing covers and the publicity team for your keen ideas and professionalism. To my copy editors, who are like unsung heroes, and Laura Fazio, whose edits always rock my world. Thanks for all that you do to push me to be a better writer.
To my family and friends for your constant, unwavering support. I love you.
To Greg and Evan, for not complaining when I have to disappear to work through a scene or meet a deadline. I don’t want to be in any other place in the world except right next to you, every single night.
To my critique partners and betas: Thank you for dropping everything to read for me and then giving me crucial feedback.
To Stina and Kate: I know our writer lives have become much more hectic, but you continue to be my sounding board. Thank you.
To the book bloggers and reviewers out there—there are too many of you to list here. Please just know I appreciate all that you do for the simple love of books. Because when it comes down to it, all of us are readers first and foremost.
Last, to the readers: Thank you for taking a chance on my books and reaching out to talk to me about them. For an author, there may be no better feeling.
Read on for a sneak peek at Christina Lee’s first foray into Contemporary Romance
TWO OF HEARTS
Coming May 2015
Pulling into the Golden Arrow Casino parking lot was surreal in many ways. The place was so familiar and the long route I’d taken down the dirt road had felt almost automatic. I avoided the row where the employees parked and found a space on the patron level. Everything looked the same.
Apparently West had young kids under his charge at the garage—either that, or I was getting older. The boy who took my ticket looked to be about sixteen, with shiny black hair and a laid-back attitude. Man, those were the carefree days. Beer and school and bonfires. Nowadays, I threw back a cold one only after a long and crappy day to settle my nerves.
Taking the elevator to the second floor, I stepped into the ornate lobby. My gaze immediately darted to the awe-inspiring frescoed ceiling and the giant chandelier that centered the entire room. I was greeted with nods and shoulder pats by a couple different employees I’d already seen at the funeral and noticed that Marcus was sill managing concierge and hospitality. He was busy with a line of customers.
It always felt good being here, almost like it was a second home. I didn’t know if that was because I’d worked here for so many years or because of the person who anchored me to this place. Dakota. There had always been an atmosphere of acceptance here, but now the faces I saw looked tense, troubled even. I needed to get to the bottom of it. If I left here without figuring out what was causing this place to stir, it would never sit well with me.
I moved down the long hallway, heading straight for the security desk and avoiding the curious looks that I received from the employees at the gift shop.
When Grayson, one of the chief security personnel, recognized me, a huge grin split his face. “Shane, you’re home.”
Those words produced a funny feeling in my gut, even though I’d just had a similar thought. “I guess you can say that. Just came to see what was happening around here.”
“You’ve bulked up,” Grayson said, crossing his strapping arms across his chest. I never used to be able hold a candle to his physique. “That fancy job treating you well?”
“It keeps me on my toes,” I said, smiling. “How about you—been on your toes around here lately?”
A serious look crept across his features as he glanced around the place, his eyes roaming to make a quick security sweep. A few slot machines and card tables were occupied, but it was still considered early in the day. Grayson’s job would be more challenging when this place became packed.
He turned toward me and nodded. He didn’t have to say much to make me understand that he was thinking about Mr. Nakos. I knew I couldn’t ask him confidential questions but was hoping he’d somehow still keep me in the loop.
“A tragedy, what happened to the boss man. Some days I still can’t believe he’s gone.” He looked toward his office door located on the far wall, near the high-roller tables. “Still think he’s going to step out onto the floor and do his usual scan of the place. He was such a strong authority around here. The staff definitely feels the hole.”
I, too, could still feel his presence in the casino. How he was larger than life, but a softie with his wife. He was hard on his kids, especially Kai, who might’ve deserved it in those years before he’d graduated from college.
“How do you like the new boss lady?” I said, knowing from experience that’s what she’d be called behind her back.
“She’s just as tough as him,” he said with a smirk. “Most of the staff accepts her. She’s familiar, and I think she’ll do a good job.”
“Glad to hear it.”
I suddenly wanted to ask what else he knew about her. Was she dating anyone new or was she just as driven as before, barely allowing room for anybody in her life?
I thought of our stolen moments that one summer when we had finally given in to our desires. The first time I had gotten a taste of her was after a field party behind my parent’s house. Everyone had gone home, including Rachel and Kai, and she had been too tipsy to drive. I offered her my bed and she had lain down mumbling my name, blurting all kinds of things she wouldn’t normally say had she not been drinking.
“Shane, please. I know you’re trying to hold back. But I want . . .” she had said, reaching out for me. That’s when I knew she’d been feeling it, too, wanted me just as badly. Leaning over my bed to tuck her into my sheets, her fingers curled around my neck and her mouth lifted up to taste mine. She had made the initial move and fuck, I had practically come out of my skin. I had been waiting for that first kiss since I was fifteen.
I sat down on the bed and tunneled my hands through her dark and silky hair. I remembered how she smelled like grass and how she had tasted like sweet wine.
I lay down next to her and we made out for what seemed like hours. Slipping my tongue inside her mouth, I became accustomed to her noises and how her warm, soft body had felt next to mine. Damn, just thinking about that night from all those years ago would make me hard as hell, and all we had done was kiss.
“Is she using her father’s office?” I asked.
He nodded as Meadow from housekeeping walked by and gave a little wave in our direction.
“I still recognize a lot of faces,” I said to Grayson as his eyes trained briefly on Meadow’s moving form. Loads of the guys had been into her over the years.
“Plenty of us love working here and want to stay. But with Mr. Nakos’s death, some employees feel unsettled and wonder if their jobs are secure,” he said, lowering his voice. “They’re wondering if they should look elsewhere for work. But it’s not my place to speak for them.”
The hair stood up on the back of my neck as I nodded. Grayson and I had worked closely together and shared plenty of things, so him confiding in me like old times didn’t surprise me. His father was Native American and had worked for the tribal nation police force, so our dads were similar in a lot of ways.
I needed to talk to Stuart and Dakota to get the gist about what the hell was happening. This sounded like more than a few employees trying to get used to change.
After I shook Grayson’s hand, I progressed across the floor past the roulette, craps, and blackjack pits looking for Stuart. I still hadn’t spotted him anywhere. I considered entering the employee locker room, but I no longer had the clearance to do so. Instead, I continued on to Mr. Nakos’s former office door, tipping my chin at one of the blackjack dealers named Sam. I knocked steadily, my heart repeating the action in my chest.
“Come in,” she said, her voice steady and confident.
Mr. Nakos’s office looked exactly the same, and seeing Dakota sitting behind his large oak desk produced a stab of grief that things had definitely changed. I closed the door behind me and stood staring at her for a long beat.
As usual, she was dressed professionally with her straight skirt and a designer blouse unbuttoned to the top of her breasts. Her hair was pulled up and lay atop her head in a bun, her beautiful tan neck on full display. Fuck, how long would this girl own me?
“Shane,” she said and then swallowed as if to get hold of the slight tremble in her voice. And that’s how I knew she was still affected by me after all of these years as well.
Suddenly I wanted to ask her why she let me go so easily. Why she put up her solid wall to shut me out and made me feel like I hadn’t meant as much to her as I thought I did. I wanted to finish the messy business between us once and for all.
I stalked closer to her and she inhaled sharply. But then she seemed to pull herself together and the mask came crashing down, the one she wore so easily. The one that frustrated me to no end. “Why are you here?”
I gritted my teeth. “I’m visiting the casino. Seeing old friends.”
“It’s not like you haven’t been home before,” she said.
“I want to know what’s going on around here,” I said, looking at Mr. Nakos’s nameplate, which was still noticeable on the desk. “Why it feels like there’s this tension, from the employees, you, Stuart, and Kai. I want to know the truth, Dee.”
She shook her head nearly imperceptibly and then licked her lips, but it caused me to focus in on her plump, red mouth. “Don’t you have a plane to catch?”
“Don’t do that,” I bit out. “Don’t dismiss me so easily.”
“Me?” she said, snubbing her nose at me. “You’re pretty good at dismissal yourself.”
Her words fanned the flames sparking inside me and I strode toward her desk, planting my palms firmly across it. “What the hell does that mean?”
“Nothing,” she whispered. “Let’s not do this. Let’s leave whatever it is we thought we had in the past. If it was anything.”
That made me want to pull her over the desk and show her exactly why we
weren’t
done. Instead, I stepped around the desk, spun the arms of her chair toward me and stood over her, narrowing the slice of air between us. The scent of her hair wafted up my nose. Fuck, it smelled so good.
“
If
it was anything? What the hell, Dakota?” My face inched toward hers and she bent her head back, forced to look me in the eye. “Of course it was something.”
“Shane,” she began, but I wouldn’t allow her to speak. She’d only cover her feelings with more excuses.
“You’re still so goddamn gorgeous,” I said. Her eyes widened and held mine. “I always thought about those lips and eyes. How your body felt moving against mine.”
“Shane—” she said swallowing with some effort. She kept me roped with only the softness of her voice.
“So don’t tell me that it wasn’t something,” I said, tilting my head and looming over her. “At one time, it was
everything.
”
She closed her eyes on a sharp breath, looking soft and vulnerable.
Because I couldn’t help myself, my fingers left her chair and glided up her arms to her neck. Her breaths released from her lips in short pants and I considered touching my mouth to hers.
Would she let me? Would she want me to?
“Yes,” she whispered, the heat of her breaths warming the tiny sliver of air still lingering between us. “But that’s in the past. We had our chance and I . . . I got over you. So let’s leave it there.”
My stomach completely flipped over. “You got over me?”
I studied her lips edge to edge, and they trembled in response. She was so not over me.
I didn’t know what the hell was driving me. I just knew I didn’t like hearing those words. Not one damn bit.
“You got over me?” I growled as my fingers gripped the nape of her neck.
My lips brushed the line of her jaw and she shivered.
“Shane, don’t.
Please
,” she mumbled, her hands at my chest. “You’ll just leave again and I can’t . . . I can’t . . .”
She sounded so helpless and sad. For the first time she was allowing me to see exactly what she might have been feeling, might’ve gone through five years ago. She sounded wrecked—as wrecked as I had been.
My lips trailed to her ear. “
Angel
.”
There was a sharp rap on her door. She stiffened, grasped a fistful of my shirt and then pushed me away. The veil came crashing back down and I lost her again.
She stood up and now we were nose to nose, breathing heavily.
Another knock at the door. “I need you to go.”
She stared into my eyes and I felt shattered.
“Come in,” she said.
Stuart entered the room. “Shane, you’re here,” he said, ignoring my close proximity to Dakota. His eyes fixed on her before he said, “Did you fill him in?”
“I’m sure that’s not necessary,” she said, skirting around me. “Shane has a life to get back to.”