Thin Ice (22 page)

  I put all of that to the side and keep skating. I skate until my vision gets blurry and I become light headed. That’s when blackness overcomes my sight. I hold onto the board, close my eyes
,
 and take a few deep breaths. I feel like I’m going to collapse.

“Feel better?”

        I open my eyes and there’s Tegan, on the bench. How’d she know I was here? I slide my back down the boards and sit on the ice, feeling the cool dampness soaking into my jeans. My head is in my hands and I breathe in the frigid air. Then I feel Tegan sit down next to me, but she doesn’t say anything. She just let’s me sit there, allowing me to sort out whatever is going through my mind. After a few minutes, I decide to speak.

“Tegan, I’m not okay..”

She nods her head and continues to sit next to me, not saying anything. So I keep talking, because I need to get this all out.

“I don’t know why I feel like this. I should be happy right? We graduate in a few months, I get to move in with Dylan
,
 and hopefully land a job. There’s so many opportunities out there, but I just keep thinking about what could go wrong. I’m looking at myself and all I can think is that, yea my chest is smaller, but I still need to lose more weight. And what if Dylan finally realizes he’s too good for me? That I don’t fit into his life anymore? What then? Move back to New York with my parents and look for a job there? I can’t live like that again Tegan. I just can’t. I’ll fall right back into my old habits, I know I will. I’ve already started.”

And I’m crying. I’ve spent years mastering the art of keeping my tears at bay, but now it seems like it’s all I do. Before I go to bed, when I wake up, when I think about the future. I can’t stop them anymore.

        Tegan wraps her arms around my sweaty body and we just stay silent while I cry. When she finally speaks, I can’t even look at her. I’m ashamed and embarrassed. I’m always the one who has everything figured out, at least I make it look like I do, even though on the inside, I’m breaking.

“Elli you don’t have to have everything figured out. You can’t stress yourself out about the ‘what-ifs?’. We’re so young
 and
we have so much life left to live. As for Dylan, who’s been calling me freaking out that he can’t get in touch with you, that boy is madly in love with you. It’s actually sickening. You need to stop belittling yourself, and thinking that he’s too good for you Elli. You have a beautiful soul, and I’ve never met a better person. You’re so hard on yourself.”

“I don’t know an
y
other way to be Tegan.”

“Yes you do. I see it, every time you’re with Dylan. You love him, but now you need to learn how to love yourself.”

“I’m not worth it Tegan. I’m just not.”

“You are Elli. Come on, let’s get our asses off this ice and I’ll show you. I’m starting to get hypothermia
in
 my butt. And we need to get you into a hot shower. You’re soaked.”

        I agree and follow her to the bench. I take my skates off and wave goodbye to Chris, mouthing ‘thank you’ since he’s still on the phone. I meet Tegan home and take a steaming hot shower, staying in there a little longer than necessary. When I get out, I throw on my Wolves hoodie and yoga pants, but I leave my hair wet because I have no energy or desire to work on my curls right now. I walk out of my room into the kitchen and Tegan has two plates of chicken and sweet potatoes on the table.

“I’m assuming you haven’t eaten.”

I shake my head and sit down at the table to eat with her. When we finish, she takes me into her room and sits me at her desk. Her room is similar to mine, except hers has a vintage vibe. She painted her wood furniture turquoise and has a yellow comforter set with a floral pattern.

         She opens up her laptop and hands it to me. There’s a folder full of pictures she’s taken titled ‘My Best Friend’. I start scrolling through them and wonder how she took most of these without me noticing. I start with a picture of me helping one of our classmates jumping for joy while I stood next to him smiling. I was helping him with his project and it was a few minutes before the deadline. He was having a lot of trouble and I jumped in and showed him what was going wrong. We handed it in one minute before the teacher closed down the site to hand it in and he completely freaked out with excitement.

The next picture is of me at the volunteer event last month. We played baseball with kids that we’re mentally and physically disabled. I was helping a little girl I was paired with at bat. She has down syndrome, but that didn't stop her from having the time of her life. I stood behind her and helped her swing at the pitches. By the fourth pitch, we made contact with the ball and sent it towards third base. We ran to first base and the whole time she had the biggest smile on her face. I bent down and gave her a hug as we celebrated her accomplishment, and that is the scene I’m staring at on Tegan’s computer. It was something I’ll always remember, because seeing that amount of joy come from a girl who has been dealt such an uneasy life was extremely inspiring.

I keep scrolling. A picture of me and Dylan playing floor hockey with my brother and his team at Thanksgiving; we both have our hands up and it looks like we’re screaming goal and all the kids are laughing. Then there’s one of Dylan and I laughing with a million shoe boxes in our hands while Tegan and Anderson fought some teenage girl for the last pair of striped wedges. Then there’s some selfies of me and Tegan that we randomly took while we’re in class, at the rink cheering for the guys, or sitting at the Starbucks drive through.  

There’s over a hundred pictures in this folder. I look at Tegan who’s watching me, and she smiles.
“
Elli, you’re so quick to help everyone else and make them happy, you forget about yourself. You make so many people happy and never ask for anything in return. It’s time you start taking care of yourself, and realize how amazing you are.
”
   

Again with the tears. Seriously? I need to get this thing under control. It’s getting ridiculous. But Tegan is right. I need to take care of myself. I put down her computer and walk over to where she’s sitting on her bed. I hug her tight and just say “Thank you”.

“I’m here for you Elli. Never forget that. Now call your boyfriend so he stops texting me.”

“First things first. We need a movie night. So pick one out while I go call him.”

“Harry Potter?”

I smile and look at my amazing best friend. “And that is one of the many reasons why I love you.”

“I know. Now go on. I’ll make some cookies. And by make cookies I mean get two spoons and the tub of cookie dough.”

“I love you Tegan.”

“I love you too El.”

I go grab my phone in my room and sit on my bed while I call Dylan. He answers on the first ring.

“Elli?! Are you okay? What happened?”

“I’m fine Dylan. Just a mental breakdown. Nothing a little skate can’t fix. Oh and Harry Potter.”

“Elli what’s wrong? Talk to me.”

I might as well explain what’s going through my messed up head right now. “I was overthinking everything Dylan. I had an anxiety attack after my dad called me, and everything just came at me all at once. Me moving in with you and you realizing I don’t fit into your life anymore, my weight, getting a job, graduation, loans, the possibility of having to move back in with my parents and getting bad again. I didn’t know how to handle it all. But I need to learn how to take care of myself without you here.”

“Well I can wipe away that first fear. Don’t you dare think you won’t fit into my life anymore. You are my life Elli. I want to experience all these new things with only you. It’s killing me how we’re so far apart. Never think any differently.”

I pause for a few seconds before I answer. “I knew you would say that.”

“Then why would you stress out over it?”

“I don’t know. I guess I’m just so used to thinking of the worst
case scenario
.”

“I want you here with me Elli. It doesn’t feel right without you here.”

“It doesn’t feel right without you here either Dylan. I miss you. And hopefully I’ll be better when I finally see you.”

“I know you will. You’re the strongest person I know. Now talk to me about these other worries. We’ll get through them together.”

        We talk for a long time, and he calms me down a lot. Yes, my worries are still there, but they’re not so dominant anymore. When I finally make my way into the living room where Tegan is waiting with spoons, I laugh and we bum out on the couch watching our favorite movie series.

We talk while we watch and come up with a plan. We decide every morning we’re going to go to the park to start our day. We’re going to continue eating healthy, and we make a meal plan, that includes cheat days. We’re going to go to the store after the park tomorrow and get everything we need for food prepping. It’s going to be a positive change, and I’m looking forward to the last few months of school. Which is drastically different from the way I was feeling only a few hours ago.

Elli

“Let me see Elli!”

“I don’t know about this Tegan!”

“Get out here!”

“Ughhh fine.”

I open the door to the fitting room and wait for Tegan’s reaction. Graduation is next week and we’re dress shopping. I’ve lost 23 pounds since that night we decided to make positive changes. I’ve only had two or three anxiety attacks since then, but they weren’t that bad. One was from when I told my mom my plans for after graduation. She was happy for me, but when she told my dad, he had quite a lot to say about the matter. But I stood up for myself and said it was my decision. He’s not happy, but I’m not worried about it.

 I’m starting to feel good about myself. I feel healthy, I’m starting to like the way I look in the mirror, and I’m more confident everyday about my future with Dylan. I’m extremely excited for it actually.

When he called me last week and said he may not be able to make it to my graduation

because of his schedule, I was upset, but not at him. I just would have loved him to be there. Mia and Will are coming and they’re going to record my speech for him because I’m the class Valedictorian.  My family is flying in the day before, but I haven’t told them the news yet. I want it to be a surprise.

        But I need an outfit to wear, which lands us in my current situation. A sleeveless cream colored v-neck top with a flowy high-low mint green bottom, separated by a gold belt. I loved it on the mannequin, and Tegan forced me to try it on. It’s not something I would usually wear, but it looks kind of nice. My chest fits nicely which makes me happy, and it’s not totally revealing, but it’s summer and a hoodie just isn’t going to cut it.

“Oh My Gosh. Wait here, don’t move.”

“Wait, Tegan!”

But she’s gone. Where the hell is she going? And just like that, she’s back with cream colored heels. They match perfectly.

She sees my shocked look, and shrugs it off. “Shoes are my super power. Now put them on!”

I take the shoes and slide them on. I look balanced. Like, there’s not one area that I would change.

“Elli, it’s perfect. You look amazing.”

“I actually really love this Tegan.”

“Ahh! Then it’s settled! Now take it off and help me find something that looks that good!”

I reluctantly take the dress off and put the heels back in their box. Tegan mentions checking out jewelry to go with the dress, but there’s only one bracelet I’m going to be wearing, and I’m staring at it on my wrist right now. Except now there’s a new charm on it, and it has a twin that’s on the wrist of my best friend. The blue and white hot air balloon that we gave meaning too.
They are silent; soothing. But also loud in color and come in all shapes and sizes.

Breathe Elli. You’ll be ok. It’s just a speech.

“And you’re Valedictorian, Elli Uccello!”

Showtime.

I make my way up to the podium and am thankful for my heels, or else I wouldn’t have been able to reach the microphone. Before I start my speech, I look out at where my family is sitting, with shocked glances on their faces, along with Mia, Will, Anderson and Dylan.

WOAH WAIT A SECOND. I must be imagining him here because he was in Milwaukee when I talked to him two hours ago. I look more closely, and nope, he’s definitely here, with a big smile on his face, obviously laughing at the expression on my face. I look at Tegan who turns to see what has me stunned and she has to do a double take. Apparently Dylan kept this a secret.

        Since I probably look like I’m nervous as hell to make this speech, I take a breath and put a smile on my face.

“Thank you all for coming out today and celebrating such a huge milestone for all of us here wearing caps and gowns. Being in the accelerated degree program is no easy task, and I speak for everyone in my graduating class when I say our teachers have made such an important impact on our lives. No matter where we end up after today, we will always take the lessons we learned here, and carry them with us on our journeys.”

I take a breath and continue. “But I’d like to sidetrack for a moment and say this.
N
ot all lessons come from teachers. The biggest lessons you will learn are going to come from yourself. Through your experiences, through your battles and through the people you allow into your life. It’s the things that change you, whether good or bad that make you who you are. Sometimes it takes some special people that come into your life to help guide you, but everything starts and ends with you. I started Winter Park University in a very different place and mindset. But I am leaving today a better person, on a journey for a life I never thought was possible, with people I love very much. They support me, love me, and want to continue exploring this life with me, and I couldn’t and wouldn’t want to do it with anyone else.”