This is Living (Living #1.5) (14 page)

We talk for a while more and as she gets up to leave, she says, “Right now, you are hurting emotionally and physically; this will pass. You will always mourn the loss of your daughter, but what you need to mourn the loss of more than anything is losing your parents, your independence, and all the other things that were taken away from you.

I agree that you are better than what you were years ago. Still, if you don’t face these issues and realize that you have the right to grieve, you won’t ever move past it. I’m going to go now. I’ll leave my card and if you ever want to call and talk or come and visit, I would be honored to have you as a friend. Both of you are welcome.”

We agree to see her and once she is gone, I lean against Jayson and think about the things she said concerning my past and how it is affecting our marriage …and possibly even Brendon and Braxton. I’m not willing to let my parents or Daniel Latham take one more thing from me. So, I take a deep breath and begin a conversation that is most likely the hardest of our married life…little did we know that it would change us forever...in the best way possible.

F
ollowing the end of our talk, I beg Jayson to help me take a shower. Madison’s right, I
do
look like ass. Something I became aware of when I excused myself for a bathroom break.

“Jayson Reece, how could you have let anyone see me while I look like the walking dead,” I scream when I see my reflection.

“I think you look beautiful, baby.”

I snort and say, “You’re obviously on something; even you can’t think this is beautiful,” I gesture wildly at myself.

“Now go and use that charm on a nurse and get them to let me bathe so I can feel human again.”

With a grin, he leaves the room and I gingerly sit down on the hospital bed to wait. Grabbing my cell phone, I shoot a message to Madison:

Chloe:
Thanks for bringing Dr. H up here to talk with me and us. Sorry, I was bitchy at first.

Her message is immediate and lets me know everything is good.

Madison:
Don’t worry about it. I wanted to let you know beforehand, but I was afraid you would say no. She has helped me a lot and she is a good friend to have.

Reading her message only reinforces what I feel about meeting Dr. Holtzer. She seems to want the best for me even if we’ve only just met. I hope we can become good friends.

My phone rings and I’m surprised to see it’s Madison. We text more than we talk so it must be important for her to call. “Hey, are you ok?”

“I’m fine. Did you look in the bag I left for you?”

What is she talking about? “I don’t see a bag. Where is it?”

“Look over in the chair next to the door,” I hear her say excitedly.

The chair contains a generic shopping bag with handles so I’m not sure what she is so excited about. Making my way to the chair, I peer into the bag and almost fall down from the shock.

“Oh my fucking God, are you kidding me,” I scream into the phone.

I hear her laughing, “Jesus, Chloe, that was fucking loud.”

I’m too excited to answer her. I reach into the bag and pull out the new Michael Kors bag that I’ve been dying for ever since it came out. I am a bit obsessed with Michael Kors. If there was no Jayson and Michael wasn’t gay, I would bring him home with me. Hell, who cares if he is gay, I would bring him home with me anyway and he could create beautiful things just for me.

Thanking her in a reverent tone, I tell her how much I love her.

I can hear the tears in her voice and she says, “It’s from me, Connor, and the kids. I knew it would take too long for you to collect enough money from that stupid jar you have to buy it.”

We both giggle at the mention of my swear jar. Then she tells me to open it and I’m crying all over again. The bag holds a beautiful bra and panty set from La Perla…she knows I’m a lingerie slut…soft track pants from Juicy Couture and one of their t-shirts spelling out the names in sequins. To round out the outfit, the bag holds blingy flip flops that I’m known for living in. As the evidence suggests, I am indeed a girly girl. Something she usually teases me about so this is definitely a special gift from her.

At the bottom of the bag is a set of my favorite Bath and Body products along with every toiletry I will need to make myself feel good.

“Maddie, I can’t believe you did all of this. How much did you spend?”

“Shut up with all of that. I wanted to do this and Connor did too. I know this can’t even touch what you’re going through, but I thought that when you leave the hospital, you can at least look good.”

“By the way, Connor was telling me about some whore in the ER that’s after Jayson…be sure and leave through their exit so she can see how great you look.”

I laugh at the memory from last night and say, “Yeah, she stopped by last night and offered her services to Jayson; it didn’t go so well for her.”

“I bet it didn’t,” she says with a laugh. She knows as well as I do how he can be when it comes to me or his sons.

Thanking her again and telling her to give Connor a hug along with all the kiddos, I hang up and then try to haul my stash over to the bed. Ouch! So, that isn’t going to happen. It looks like I’m waiting for Jayson to get back.

A few minutes later, the door opens and my nurse comes in carrying some supplies. “Hey sweetie, I hear you want to take a shower. I can do even better than that. Your hubby talked to Dr. Gibbs along with the charge nurse and he gave your discharge orders over the phone. If your incisions look good and you’re feeling well enough, you can go home.”

With a huge smile, I say, “I’m sore, but I’m ok. I’m ready to go home and see my sons. And please don’t take offense, but the food here is awful.”

She agrees and proceeds to take out my IV, which I am eternally grateful for. I ask her to bring my bag from Madison to the bathroom and while she’s there she also looks over my wounds from surgery.

Pronouncing them as “looking good,” she gives me instructions about taking a shower and how to care for my incisions.

“If you give me the ok, I will get your husband to sign the discharge papers…that way you can go when you’re done getting cleaned up.” I immediately say yes and she leaves me to it.

Using my new bath products, I wash away the gross feeling from being in the hospital and then move on to my hair. It feels so good to wash it; it’s something that always relaxes me…one of the reasons I love going to the salon.

I try to bend to shave my legs and cry out. That is definitely not happening. The next thing I know the shower curtain is jerked aside and Jayson is looking at me frantically. “What happened?!”

Trying to reassure him that I’m ok and that I bent over too far doesn’t work so he takes a seat on the shower chair that I set out next to the sink before my shower.

We talk about general things until I voice something that is bothering me. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I feel like I should be hysterically crying over losing Bailey.”

Saying her name shoots a pain through my chest, but I refuse to not acknowledge her.

I open the shower curtain and step out, wrapping myself in one of the provided towels as well as my dripping hair.

Jayson takes the towel from my body and begins patting me dry. “It hasn’t hit you completely yet. You’ve been on pain medication and you’ve been dealing with heavy issues. All of it has kept you from dealing with the gravity of it.”

He pats the skin on my stomach gently and leans down to kiss the spot he used to lay his head on every night so he could talk to the baby.

“It’s going to be hard when we get home, but I will be there to catch you when you fall.”

His words, while supportive, scare me because I have a feeling he is right. #ill I crash emotionally when I’m home? Whether it’s cowardly or not, I put it out of my mind for now and focus on all the beautiful things Madison sent me. I rub on lotion, brush my teeth, and with Jayson’s help, put my clothes on.

Next, I pull my hair up into a ponytail and forgo makeup except for some moisturizer, bronzer, and lip gloss. With all of that done, I declare myself ready. As I walk out of the bathroom, I whisper to myself, “Fake it till you make it.”

Jayson’s eyes light up when he sees me and he grabs me up in a gentle hug while telling me how beautiful I look. I laugh and tell him that he’s required to say that and he pulls me into a heated kiss that tells me he doesn’t have to do anything he doesn’t want to.

We stand there for a moment just breathing each other in and he leans his forehead against mine. “Let’s pick up the boys and go home.”

As we gather up my stuff, I tell him what Madison said about going out through the ER and he disagrees right away. “No way in hell am I letting that piranha near you.” I decide that I really don’t want to see her either and we leave through the main entrance/exit following behind a nurse’s aide.

Halfway through the ride, I’m already hurting and Jayson calls Ava asking her to bring the boys to our house while we pick up my prescription. I sleep for the rest of the way and by the time we pull into our driveway, Phillip and Ava are waiting there with the boys.

It’s a bittersweet reunion, but I’m so happy to see all of them. We make our way into the house and after a lot of hugs and kisses, Jayson gets the boys set up with their toys while all the adults sit down to talk. Everything feels so surreal, almost like nothing has happened.

After a while, I start yawning and my in-laws decide it’s time for them to go. Both hug me and say how sorry they are and as they walk out the door with Jayson, I call my babies to get on the couch with me. They ask a ton of questions and give me kisses on my stomach to make the “ouchies” go away, which melts my heart completely. They don’t quite understand the fact that the baby is no longer inside me and at this moment, I don’t know how to explain it to them.

Thankfully, Jayson comes in and takes over, and I tell them I’m going to go and lie down. As I pass the boys’ room, I see the door to Bailey’s room is open. Unable to resist, I walk in and look around at the décor. Since we didn’t know if she was a girl, we bought furniture that would go for either gender.

Walking over to the crib, I stand there and stroke the soft blanket lying over the rail. At that moment, a pain so great, it almost takes me to my knees engulfs me as I finally accept she’s no longer with me and will never be coming home. I cry for what happened and what could have been.

I feel Jayson’s arms come around me and lift me off of my feet. He takes me to the rocker and sits, holding me in his lap, and I finally let myself fall. Only this time, he is there with me and we face it together.

M
y eyes are still closed as I roll to the other side of the bed searching for Jayson’s warm body. The sheets are cold letting me know he’s been up a while. I lie there for a moment smelling the scent that’s all him on his pillow while smiling.

We’re at Phillip and Ava’s for the Christmas weekend, along with Connor, Madison, and all of our kids combined. Jayson actually has the Christmas weekend off thanks to some string pulling by his Mama…something he didn’t even try to resist…he knew it would be important for us to be together at this time.

My mind scrolls back through the past year and a lot of it is painful to think about. We had our trials with his residency, the change in his specialization, and of course, losing our baby girl. There were some dark days as we dealt with the loss of our daughter, but the emphasis lies not on those times rather the focus is that we made it through, making us even closer than before.

With a lot of love from my husband and extended family, as well as a great therapist, I’m able to acknowledge that while it hurts remembering I should be holding her right now, I don’t have to let it consume me.

Nor do I have to be perfect or have the perfect life. That includes not expecting too much of my husband even though I still think he’s amazing. It’s like he said to me more than once over the past few months: “You’re not perfect, but you still are.” In Jayson speak that means I might be bitchy sometimes, but he still loves me. Each time he says it, I smile and say, “Ditto, babe.”

Speaking of “babe,” Connor is due for some payback. After he felt I was sufficiently well enough to take shit from him, he began spreading it to everyone who would listen how he took Jayson’s place when I was basically comatose after surgery. Apparently, my man felt it wouldn’t be good for me to wake up alone after the loss of the baby, so he came with up with some scheme for Connor to take his place. Supposedly, I demanded that he lie down with me and wait for it: I told him I loved him.

Jesus, really? It had to be him that was there and I just had to go and do something like that. He will never let me live it down…ever. So, I’m biding my time…as I’ve said before, I don’t get mad, I get even. Cue the evil laugh…something I’m told I suck at doing.

Madison and I came up with this plan and I’m hoping I can use it this weekend while everyone’s here.

I get out of bed, wash up, brush my teeth, and throw on my robe over Jayson’s t-shirt. I figure both the shirt and the robe come to right above the knee so that’s plenty of coverage. After all, it’s only my family.

Making my way downstairs, I hear the sound of talking and laughing in Ava’s eat-in kitchen. When I walk in, I see Phillip, Ava, Madison, and Jayson sitting at the table. There are some of the kids at their smaller table over in the corner and some more in the living room.

Just as I knew they would, both of my boys scream, “Mama” and run to me, barreling right into my knees. I’m ready though, so when they get there and take me down with them, it doesn’t hurt. Believe me, I learned to fall without hurting myself rather quickly with these two.

I tickle them for a bit until I capture both of them and spread kisses all over their faces. We’re being screamed at to “get off of the floor” and “you’re going to hurt your mom…get up now” by Ava and Jayson respectively.

Giving the boys one last kiss and then saying a general “Good morning” to everyone, I walk towards the refrigerator. I take out the milk and orange juice and then head towards the cabinets that hold the various cereals Ava keeps stocked for kids and adults alike.

In front of the cabinet next to the one I need is a bare chested man wearing only a pair of jeans. At a glance, you would think it was Jayson, but I know it’s not…it’s the troublemaker. Keeping a straight face, which is hard, I walk right up to him. Yep, it’s go time.

He turns around, putting his back to the cabinets as I reach him. This is so perfect…I could jump up and down in glee, but I’m an adult, so I’m restraining myself.

With his usual smirk, he says, “Hey Chloe.”

In the most seductive voice I can get out, which is hard, because he’s my brother-in-law, I answer, “Hi Connor” as I lean around him to open the cabinet door. My body is pretty much right up next to his as far as I can get it without touching him.

Smiling at him like I have no idea what I’m doing, I stand there almost hugging him. He looks down at me, completely panicked, like I’ve lost my marbles.

Quickly, he glances over to Madison and I know he’s wondering if he’s about to get mauled by me or castrated by her. She won’t stop me though, because she’s all for a good joke plus she’s always ready to prank him…they really are children sometimes in their ongoing practical joke war.

I just want to get him back for always giving me crap. Otherwise, I would be scared of getting bitch slapped. My best friend doesn’t play when it comes to her husband.

Not moving a muscle, I say, “You look hot today. Have you been working out?”

His face floods with color and he asks, “Excuse me?”

I place my hand on his bicep and squeeze. He immediately jerks back and says, “What’s going on here right now?”

I grab my cereal, shut the cabinet door, and say quietly, but in a voice loud enough for everyone to hear. “I’ve been thinking about you and how you told me you loved me. I can’t forget it.”

Oh wow, it’s so hard not to laugh; the look he’s wearing is so freaking priceless.

I lean up almost to his mouth and say, “Love you, too, babe.”

Ha ha, He’s trying so hard to lean away from me, I bet his back has got cabinet prints in it.

Calmly, I step away and get a bowl and prepare my cereal. He’s still staring at me and I smirk to myself: Point to me, zero to you, buddy.

No one has said a thing yet, so I make my way to the table and sit in Jayson’s lap. When I look up, Connor hasn’t moved from the position I left him in. If I only had a camera to preserve the memory of his current facial expression, I would be happy for the rest of my life.

Ava leans over and says, “You’re trouble, young lady.”

Giving her a huge smile, I answer back, “I learned from the best.” She knows exactly who that is, too. She sees that someone every morning when she looks in the mirror.

Suddenly, Connor is at the table. His face is still red and he points at Jayson. “You need to spank her a-s-s,” he spells it for the kids, and then points to Madison: “And you, not for a week…maybe two.”

Now that he is sure he has launched himself back into alpha status, he slams down into his chair and digs into his food. Unable to contain it, the whole table bursts into laughter. Madison gives me a high five and Jayson squeezes me around the waist while burying his face in my neck laughing.

“Accept it, Connor! I got you back…and you know it. So, who’s the master now?”

With an evil grin, he says, “I think we all know who that is, babe.” And now I want to hurl because I know exactly what he means…Madison has a big mouth when it comes to their sex life…and he’s reminding me of it.

Of course, I blush because it’s me and that’s what I do. Knowing my cheeks are probably blood red since I can feel the heat in my face spread down my neck, I realize that my brief shining moment is over. Whatever, I got him back good.

Immediately, one of my sons yells, “Dad, what’s a-s-s?

I yell back, “It’s a bad word; you’re putting money in the jar.”

“Aww, mom,” I hear him answer back with a groan just like he’s heard his dad do…well, he doesn’t call me “mom,” but you know what I mean.

There’s more laughter and I sit back and relax listening to everyone talk. Looking up, I catch Connor looking at me smiling, but it’s a genuine smile and I smile back. Though no one says it, the fact that I can joke right now is a testament to how far I’ve come.

Without the help of Jayson, Dr. Holtzer, and all of my family, I would most likely still be that puddle on the floor as I grieve over the fact that I should be bringing my daughter home right now. 

As I talk with everyone over breakfast, I’m aware of how happy I am. The sting of Bailey’s loss is still there and sometimes I still feel alone when Jayson is working, but for the most part, I love my life…perfect or not.