This Time Forever (4 page)

“I guess.” The problem was that Rebekka felt Marc was supposed to be hers. She’d believed it for so long that she didn’t know how to go about thinking anything else. Her whole life had changed since that morning. Knowing what she did, she couldn’t wait for Marc anymore. She still loved him, but maybe love wasn’t everything. Maybe love wasn’t enough.

Maybe there was even someone else out there for her.

“Our plans should be finalized soon,” Brionney said. “I’ve already packed everything but the essentials.” There was a brief pause. “Oh no, Gabriel’s awake. I have to go now. I’ll call you in a week or so.”

Rebekka thanked her again and hung up the phone. She felt good about her decision and Brionney’s response, but there was a little knot of fear in her stomach as well.

She slipped to her knees at the side of the bed. “Father,” she whispered, “I’ve made a decision, as I’ve always been taught to do before asking You for confirmation. Oh, I know I made it a little hastily—Mother would say that’s Dad’s influence, You know, depending on my own knowledge and desires instead of Yours. I’m sorry. But I do feel it’s the right thing for me. I just can’t bear to look at Marc. I can’t stand it anymore that he doesn’t love me like I love him. Please let me know I have Your blessing in this decision. Is this the right thing for me?”

After her prayer, Rebekka continued to feel positive about going to America. The only thing she regretted was not going months earlier; she’d already wasted so much time. She came to her feet, moved to a desk in the corner, and began a list of the things she would need to do before she left. The first hurdle was her job, but it shouldn’t be too difficult to take a leave of absence—perhaps a permanent one. Who knew what adventures awaited her in America?

She wouldn’t tell her family until her plans were set, and then she would swear them to secrecy. The vindictive part of her hoped Marc would be a little hurt and angry when he finally heard that she was gone.

“I’ll get over you yet,” she promised. Another wave of pain battered her bruised heart, but Rebekka refused to give in to tears.

“America,” she said, “like the pilgrims of old, here I come.”

CHAPTER THREE

Damon Wolfe yawned as he looked in on his sleeping children. By choice, Tanner slept in the far end of the house near the spacious game room and the hot tub. He was fifteen and beginning to show his independence.

Isabelle—or Belle—just five years old, slept in the room next to Damon’s. If the truth were told, the little girl more often than not ended up in her father’s bed. He didn’t mind; there was plenty of room, as there had been even in the years before his wife’s death. Charlotte had stayed in a room by herself as she fought to survive the cancer that so viciously consumed her frail body. Her nurse and constant companion had often found it necessary to sleep in the same room to care for her, especially as Charlotte’s condition deteriorated. Damon had grown used to being alone or having only the children for company.

Belle was curled around a large brown teddy bear that Damon had brought home for her when she was three—right before Charlotte died. She loved that bear and slept with it every night.

“You’re home, Daddy!” Belle opened her eyes sleepily, and her little arms reached out for him. “I tried to wait up, but Marina said I had to sleep. She said you might not be home tonight.”

“She was right. You must listen to your nanny when I’m not here.” Damon sat on the bed and pulled her warm body into his arms. “Ah, but I missed you, ma Belle,” he said. He’d taken French in college and learned that
ma belle
meant “my beauty.” He thought the name had fit Belle from the moment of her birth. She had soft brown hair that fell to her neck in gentle curls, a round face, and rosy cheeks—each feature an endowment from her mother. The only legacy from him were the large brown eyes that held a hint of amber.

“I missed you, too, Daddy.” She pulled away and regarded him soberly. “Is it true we’re going to leave Anchorage? Tanner said we were, but I didn’t believe him.”

“I’ve been thinking about it very seriously. And, yes, I think we’re going to move to Utah.”

“Is it because of Kar? I mean, Karissa?”

Damon held his breath and then let it out slowly. “Partly,” he admitted. His heart still hurt when he thought about how much he cared for Karissa. He should have known better than to allow himself to care for a married woman. There had never been anything between them, of course, except the feelings in his heart.

“Is her baby okay now?”

“I think so. Remember that doctor I found for Kar? Well, he did a great job on baby Steph’s surgery.”

“Then Karissa doesn’t need you anymore. Is that why we’re going?”

Karissa certainly didn’t need him anymore. She and her husband were working out their problems. Damon believed they would be happy. Still, knowing this didn’t alleviate the longing in his heart to be whole again. While involved with helping Karissa, he had finally stopped missing Charlotte.

“We’re going because I think it’ll be good for Daddy’s and Jess’s business, and for the hospitals we want to help. That’s where I was today—talking to some hospitals.”

“Why can’t we stay here?”

“Because there are a lot of people who want to work for us in Utah. A lot of students. And because Jess’s wife has family there. She misses them.”

“I know. She told me.” Belle’s face grew sad. “I’m going to miss my friends, too.”

Damon smiled. “Oh, but that’s the best part. Rosalie will be there, remember? All of Jess and Bri’s children will be there. You like them, don’t you?”

“Yes.” Her voice was still subdued.

“And I’ll be home more.”

At this she smiled. “Promise?”

“I do.” He hugged her tightly. “It may take some time, but I promise you’re going to love it.”

“Can I have a horse there?” Belle asked. Horses were her latest craze.

“We’ll see. Maybe.”

“I love you, Daddy.”

“I love you, too, ma Belle.” He settled back on her pillow and pulled the blankets over them both.

Belle lifted her head suddenly. “Will Marina come with us?”

Damon had hoped she wouldn’t ask that, at least not tonight. Marina was a retired nurse who had looked after the children for the past two years. Other nannies had come and gone during Charlotte’s long illness, but since Charlotte’s death Marina had been a much-needed constant in Belle’s life. They’d grown very close. “I don’t think she’ll be able to move with us,” he said gently. “Her family is here, you know—her children and grandchildren. As much as she loves you and Tanner, I don’t think she’ll come.”

“Then who’s going to watch us?” Her voice wavered.

“Jess’s wife says—”

“You mean Brionney,” Belle interrupted. “You keep calling her Jesse’s wife. Her name is Brionney. Well, I guess you call them Jess and Bri.”

Damon smiled in the dark at his precocious daughter, who well knew his penchant for nicknames. “Bri says she has a friend in France who’s planning to come to America for a while. She might agree to come and stay with us. I bet you’ll like her a lot if she’s Bri’s friend.”

“What’s her name?”

“Rebekka, I think. I’m not sure.”

“What if she doesn’t wanna?”

Damon felt the pressure behind his eyes that signaled the beginning of a headache. He took one hand from around Belle and rubbed his left temple, then his right. “Doesn’t want to what?”

“Come and stay with us?”

“Then we’ll find someone else. Don’t worry about it. That’s my job. Haven’t I always found you the best nannies? And the funnest?”

“Yes.”

He wiped a tear from the lower eyelashes of her left eye. “Don’t be sad. It’s going to be all right. Better than all right. You’ll see.”

She nodded and laid her cheek trustingly against his chest. By the soft glow of the nightlight, he could see her eyes droop and close. He held her until her regular breathing told him she was asleep. Tucking her carefully under the covers, he kissed her porcelain cheek and then shuffled sleepily to his own room.

CHAPTER FOUR

“Will you knock it off?” Riley shouted. It was Monday evening, and he’d come into the kitchen after returning from work. “The doctor said it was a fluke occurrence. I’m not going to have another seizure. I was even right to keep driving. Gee, you’re just as whiny and insistent as the kids.”

“I’m worried about you, that’s all.”
You don’t have to be mean.
Hurt filled Mickelle’s heart, as it so often did where Riley was concerned. To hide her feelings, she began to gather the dinner dishes.

“Well, I’m fine.”

She filled the sink with sudsy water and piled in the dishes. “Shouldn’t you take someone with you on Saturday, just in case?” Riley had announced his intention to go fishing the next Saturday—alone. Upon hearing the plans, Bryan and Jeremy had begged to go, but Riley refused all their pleas. Mickelle didn’t like the idea of Riley going by himself. “At least take Bryan.”

“Look, I need some time away. To think. I don’t want to have to look after anyone.”

“You don’t have to look after me!” Bryan yelled from the kitchen doorway where he’d overheard their conversation. His face had gone an angry red, and the veins in his neck stood out. With his solid physique, he was a miniature version of Riley. “I don’t even want to go with you. Who wants to kill a bunch of fish, anyway?”

“Good,” Riley retorted, his face equally red, “Because you’re not going!” He raised his fist threateningly, and although he had never hit either of the children, Mickelle’s heart constricted with fear. “And don’t back talk me, or you’re going to get it.”

Bryan stalked out of the kitchen, and a few seconds later Mickelle heard the door to his bedroom slam. So much for her family night plans. Neither Bryan or Riley would cooperate now.

“I want to go fishing,” Jeremy said in a small voice from the table where he’d been finishing his math homework

Mickelle put her hand on his shoulder. “Jeremy, why don’t you go outside and check on the dog? I’m sure she needs a walk.”

Jeremy’s blue eyes opened wide. “Can I take her all by myself?”

“Yes, but just around the block, and don’t—”

“Talk to strangers. I know!” Jeremy was out the door at a run, calling for Sasha, their yellow Labrador.

Mickelle turned to her husband. “Riley,” she began.

“I’m all right.”

“No, it’s Bryan. He wants to be with you. Can’t you—”

“Kids get too much of what they want these days. Not going on Saturday will make him appreciate the next time he goes. Besides, he always scares the fish away. I want to catch something for a change.”

“What if he doesn’t want to go with you the next time?”

Riley looked at her as if she had horns sprouting from her head. “He always wants to go,” he said contemptuously.

“I mean when he’s older. If you don’t have a relationship now—”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about. Kids are selfish, and we have to teach them differently.”

“But . . .” Mickelle gave up and stopped talking. Why did she bother? Riley always had an answer. If Bryan and Jeremy weren’t so important to her, she wouldn’t try at all.

Tears filled her eyes and spilled down her cheeks. She tried to turn away before Riley saw them, but was too late. “Why on earth are you crying?” he demanded.

“You hurt my feelings,” she muttered. Silently she added,
Why can’t you be nicer to me? Why do I always feel like such a nothing around you?

His annoyance turned to indulgence. “I’m sorry,” he said, putting his arms around her. “What did I say?”

You said I was whiny and insistent,
she thought.
You treated me like my opinion means nothing.

“Huh?” he asked.

She didn’t reply.

“Do you want a divorce?” A smile tugged at his lips.

“No.” Her voice was low.

“Then everything’s okay. But I’m still not taking anyone next Saturday.”

Maybe you’ll have a seizure and die.
But Mickelle immediately repented of the thought. Whatever the problems between them, Riley didn’t deserve that.

* * * * *

Late Tuesday afternoon, while the boys played soccer in the backyard, Mickelle worked on finishing her household chores. As she cleaned, she listened to Oprah on TV. She had the program on mostly for company, but suddenly the discussion penetrated her thoughts. She dropped her broom on the kitchen floor and went into the living room.

Oprah was talking with an author who had written a book on mental and emotional spousal abuse. Several of the guests were talking about their home lives, and how their relationships had improved after reading the book. One woman’s husband sounded remarkably like Riley. “I finally realized that he only had the power to hurt me because I gave it to him,” the woman said. “Once I stopped giving him that power, our relationship had to change.”

Mickelle sank to the couch, sitting on Bryan’s DS console. Without taking her eyes from the TV, she tossed it to the other cushion. She’d recognized for a long time that Riley didn’t treat her right but believed that if she loved him enough, he would change. Yet since his surgery, things had only become worse. Was she facilitating his behavior by not standing up to him? Did the solution to their problem ultimately lie with her?

Methodically, she wrote down the name of the book. “I’ll zip on over to the library right now,” she said aloud. “That way, I can return the books I already have before they’re overdue.” She would have liked to take Sasha and walk to the library, but if she did she wouldn’t have time to get dinner for Riley and the boys before she went to church for a Relief Society activity.

She called out the back window for Bryan to keep an eye on Jeremy for a few minutes. “I’ve just got to drop off some books at the library.” The boys waved to her and continued their game.

Fortunately, the book she’d seen on television was in at the library. Mickelle also picked out a stack of novels. She adored reading; sometimes it was the only highlight of her day. At the checkout counter, she noticed a stack of pamphlets that told about continuing education for adults. She took one, interested to see what courses were being offered. Of course, she couldn’t afford to take any classes now, but perhaps after she paid off the washer, she could save a little here and there—enough to pay for a class. Or maybe Riley would get his promotion.