Thought Crimes (12 page)

Something did happen.

Sam received a letter purporting to be from an investigator acting for a legal company. These lawyers were currently engaged in a class action. Could Sam confirm that he had participated in voluntary psychological experiments while a student at university?

Was he aware that the professor who authorised those experiments had acted illegally? This man, McGibbon, was subsequently found to be engaged in research for a US intelligence agency. It's probable that his student volunteers would have experienced difficulties as a result of these experiments.

In the most commonly reported side-effect, participants imagine themselves as the subject of a long sequence of scientific studies. Sam's name had come to the legal firm's attention when they found it on a computer listing of current Australian employees of the intelligence agency.

Knowledge is as much a matter of personal belief as it is about choosing between competing arguments.

Some experimental subjects would find it exciting to imagine a brainwashed, stolen life, to feel that their misery derived from one huge fuck-up, and that an antidote for their unhappiness might now be found. If you bought any of these Big Victim scenarios, you might as well kiss your career goodbye. Ninety-five per cent of research activity relating to a subject's life masks its true purpose.

Once you accept that it's all a complex game of ruse and masquerade, you can begin to take responsibility for shaping your own understanding.

The letter went into the bin, and would pass un-noted in Sam's journal. This conspicuous absence should serve to remind the researchers that they needed Mr Placebo much more than he needed them.

All of us have the experience of thoughts slipping our minds before we have the chance to articulate them. We think little of this phenomenon, though we expect it to occur with greater frequency as we grow older.

Experimental subjects can't be so relaxed about these losses. On Pandora's Box you'll find the one-word label ‘Forgetting'. To even consider what it might mean to open that box can send imaginative participants loopy.

The fear that he was forgetting something, or might have already forgotten things he needed to recall, spooked Sam. Fear, forgetting, and fear of forgetting were synonymous in Sam's mind. Forgetting was the one side-effect that couldn't be countenanced. Experience tells you to resist all thought of forgetting, to avoid the temptation to dwell on thoughts of the memories that might be essential to your personal integrity, or thoughts about whether the things you actually recall might be the least essential. If you ever let yourself accept that you were forgetting something crucial, you were finished.

Though Sam's warm feelings towards the R.K. Howarth Building were partly derived from his pleasure at receiving regular cheques from the Institute, he still believed the building had a maternal personality. He was frustrated by the idea that he might once have known the name of the building's architect, that his sense of a female architect stemmed from factual knowledge he could no longer access. The female Sam had in mind was a friendly old woman, a woman rather like the smiling Coat at the Payments desk.

While hand-drafting Sam's pay-cheque, the clerk noted the increase in Sam's authorisation, and remarked how well he looked. He told her that he'd never felt better.

Discretion prevented him from saying that the Suits and Jackets were doing everything they could to convince him that he wasn't Mr Placebo. No chance.

Once you've chosen to believe that you're on the other side of the study, you have to stick firm. You're going to be Mr Placebo every time because no one does it better. Be sure to let nothing or no one undermine this confidence. Otherwise, your imagination runs crazy.

DOG'S LIFE

Email from:
Astrid Mirch, Marginal Films
To:
Dr Magnus Verde, CEO, Axcel International

I'm puzzled by your decision to deny availability to Axcel's film and photographic archive. Since the technologies being investigated are now, effectively, public domain, you should expect that public to be cynical about appeals to commercial confidentiality.

Though it's our wish to remain open-minded with regard to the efficacy and conduct of your researches, obstructive behaviour will, inevitably, have implications when forming a narrative viewpoint. While you stress that your organisation has nothing to hide, your actions could hardly be more hostile to the notion of full disclosure.

Marielle Hunsbrugger in your Sydney office has threatened legal action if we reproduce private/‘unauthorised' images of Axcel's experimental subjects. I can only repeat my previous view that such measures will be counter-productive re. public confidence in your operations, and I implore you to follow the (more sensible) path of candour.

Yours,
Astrid Mirch

Dana:
We became a wealthy nation because we got smart. That meant learning to do things ahead of the pack and selling that knowledge. Knowledge economies have to take risks … Staying alive means taking risks.

Ed:
The Axcel reps impressed us with their honesty. Their people said,
These are the dangers, these are the benefits to Australia,
and here are the likely benefits to yourselves. Weigh it up.

Dana:
They were totally frank. This was cutting-edge technology. When you have people dashing about near sharp blades, you'll have mishaps.

Astrid Mirch:
You took their metaphors literally?

Dana:
We never felt Axcel were being deceptive, or trying to foist something on us. They gave us time to make up our minds.

We knew what we were getting into.

Michael:
Kellie wanted girls.

Kellie:
Two girls. Now we have one of each. Felicity's seven, and Luke's four.

AM:
And your elder boy was named after Michael?

Michael:
That's right.

Kellie:
This is hard … We've never spoken about it.

AM:
Take your time.

Michael:
We have photos, but the company doesn't want us to show them to you. We weren't meant to take them, but everyone did. Axcel's fine with that, so long as they're not published.

AM:
What's your relationship with Axcel? Do you still feel like you're part of the organisation, or just people who once worked for it?

Kellie:
Oh, Axcel's still a major part of our lives. This house … The shares gave us a security we never could have had otherwise.

AM:
Did you understand what you were taking on?

Michael:
How could you? No one knew what to expect … Kellie and I aged twenty years in the eleven years Michael was alive.

Kellie:
We'd hoped to have some time together before starting a family. We were twenty-one when we got married, and ready to go out teaching. And we wanted to travel. But this struck us as a huge opportunity. We could do something for our country … And there was the house and the shares.

Michael:
We got to experience life in a very intense way. That's the one thing Axcel promised …

Kellie:
They were right about that! We knew we'd still be young enough to start a proper family afterwards. We could have Michael for the organisation, and then the property and money would give us a head start.

Michael:
The doctors and scientists were genuine people, incredibly supportive. If there was a problem, we had experts to go to … We wish we had that support with these two.

AM:
Was Michael your child, or their child?

Michael
: He was always ours … We understood our responsibilities, and it wasn't easy being his parents … He had a hard life … But he was our boy.

Kellie:
We loved Mick.

Michael:
Much as you tried to hold back, you couldn't help it.

AM:
But you knew that their interest in the experiments was military?

Michael:
Not to begin with. When we found out, it seemed obvious.

AM:
Did you resent that?

Kellie:
We worried about what we were putting him through, but there was no point resenting anything. The project was about furthering our knowledge, and once it did that, there'd be unlimited possibilities. Sure, the military applications were their paramount concern, but the Axcel people weren't going to close their eyes to other applications.

Email from:
Astrid Mirch, Marginal Films
To:
Rachel Ingram, Marginal Films

R, I need you to clarify the legal situation re. photographs and illicit home-videos. Seems perverse to make a documentary about time-lapse reality if we can't illustrate these concepts. No shortage of this material. Subjects' reluctance relates to their original contracts with Axcel. – A.

AM:
You haven't had more children?

Ed:
We never really wanted to have children.

Dana:
Not a conventional family.

AM:
Did that affect your relationship with Philip?