Tigers & Devils (32 page)

Fran and Roger were the supportive friends they always were. And when I got stupidly drunk and ended up vomiting and sobbing over the toilet, they told me I only had one night in which I could let go like that and didn’t leave until they sobered me up somewhat.

I woke up briefly around four in the morning and reached over to pull the photo of Declan and myself out of the book it was hiding in. I guessed there was no longer any reason to hide it and propped it up against the alarm clock. If all went well from here on, I would put it in a frame.

I WAS still fighting the resulting headache from the previous night’s shenanigans as I drove to Roger and Fran’s in order to meet Declan.

It was only the second time I had emerged from the house. Some of the media pack had subsided, but there were still enough of them that it was a struggle to get to my car. What felt like a thousand questions were fired at me, most of which I didn’t even recognise as they all garbled into one unintelligible mess. Camera flashes blinded me as I tried to back the car down the driveway, and I wondered if my luck was so dire that I would probably run over a journo as I tried to escape. I kept one eye on my rear view mirror the whole time, trying to figure out if anyone had followed me. I was beginning to feel like I was trapped in some bad telemovie of my life and wondered which appalling soapie star they would bring in to play me. But I managed to make it to Fran and Roger’s unscathed. Neither of them were home, so I made myself comfortable on the couch nearest to the window so I could watch out for Declan.

He arrived about ten minutes after I did. I was opening the door for him before he even got to it, and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to kiss him or hit him. Once he got into the house and looked at me, I did both. I shoved him a little, but before he had time to react I was kissing him.

“Arsehole!” I mumbled before pulling away. “How is your dad doing?”

He grabbed me by the arm and brought me back to him. “I’m sorry. I did it all wrong, okay? I should have been on the phone to you first thing. But—”

Now that he was here, in front of me, my anger was abating. “I know. Believe me, I know. But I was really fucking afraid you were blaming me.”

Declan nodded.

“Did you, at any point?”

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He took a deep breath. “Not you. But I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that I wish I had kept better control over myself that night.”

I stared down at the carpet, too scared to look at his expression. “So what’s been going on? What did your family say? Your coach?”

He led me over to the couch, and we sat down. “Mum wanted to try and keep it from Dad at first, just because of his health. But there was no way it could be done, I mean, he has a TV in his room and the newspaper guy goes round the wards every day. Dad knew by the time Mum went in to visit him that evening.”

“And?”

“Do you know what sucks, Simon? I couldn’t even go and see him at the hospital. They had reporters camped out there as well. A guy tried to sneak into his room to get a quote, but a nurse grabbed him before he managed to ask anything. Mum gets mobbed in the car park every time she goes to visit him. This is the first time I’ve left the house.”

“Did you get to speak to him on the phone?”

“Yeah.” Declan gave a short laugh. “He said I always got the limelight wherever I went and whatever I did.”

“Doesn’t sound like a ringing endorsement.”

“He’s my dad,” Declan said simply. “He loves me. Just, being a dad, he won’t ever say it. You have to read around it all.”

I thought that was a nice way of putting it and remembered how my mum had claimed my father worried about me. Maybe Declan was a lot wiser than I was. “And your mum?”

“The same. But as I told you before, I thought she already knew. And now she wants to know who you are.”

I instantly felt sick. “Oh.”

Declan laughed. “I thought that would be how you would look. Anyway, my parents are coping. Or at least, they would cope better if the media backed down a bit. The bosses think if I release a statement it might help.”

“A statement? They’re really okay with you doing that?”

Declan grimaced, and I knew that everything wasn’t as hunky dory as he was portraying it. “Let’s not think about that for a minute. How are you?”

“I’m fine. I just want everything to be okay between us.”

“I want that too.”

“Do you think we’ll survive this?” I asked.

“We better.”

I knew there was a lot more that had to be talked about, but it didn’t seem the right moment. We kissed, our bodies reacting against each other out of comfort and hurt, needing to be together to cement this bond that had been tenuous over the past few days. As it always was when I was with Declan, I felt things were right and good and would be practically perfect if the world at large would leave us to it.

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And for a little while, it did.

I started to pull at Dec’s shirt, and he pushed my hand away.

“Not here,” he panted. “We can’t.”

“They won’t be home for a while,” I assured him, lightly nipping at his ear.

“It’d be weird….”

But he was starting to slip. I pulled him up from the couch and led him to the spare room. We shed our clothes eagerly, hungering for each other. He watched me as I gently pushed him upon the bed. I lay him down by running the palms of my hands over his abs, up his chest, and applying pressure at his shoulders. He arched up to kiss me as I straddled him and brought his knees up to cradle me closer as we forgot about the outside world once again.

“DEC,” I murmured. “Wake up.”

He shifted groggily, trying to figure out where he was for a moment in the haze of sleep.

“Fran and Roger will be home soon,” I told him. “Not exactly the best way to announce our presence.”

Declan sat up. “Oh, shit, this
is
seedy,” he agreed with a yawn.

“Roger can be a prude sometimes. Fran’s brother made a joke once about his daughter being conceived in this room, and Roger practically called in an exorcist to cleanse the place.” I couldn’t resist cuddling in closer to him, trying to draw his warmth into my own body.

Declan snorted, and I smiled when his arm pulled me in even closer. “Isn’t that what a guest room is for?”

“Conceiving children? No, I think they’re just generally a place for friends and family to sleep in when they’re too drunk to drive home.”

“Come on, we better get up,” Dec said regretfully, and he swung his legs out of the bed, searching for his boxers on the floor.

I threw myself over and hugged him from behind. “Maybe we can ask them if we can stay here. Maybe forever.”

He leaned back and kissed me affectionately. “I think the press will still track us down eventually.” He found my T-shirt next to his pants and threw it over his shoulder, hitting me in the face. “As much as I hate to say this, get dressed.”

I reluctantly pulled my shirt on, reluctantly acknowledging that he wasn’t going to lure me into getting back into bed, and jumped out to begin making it instead. Dec laughed. “Put on some pants, you flasher.”

“You want me to put my pants on,
find
them for me.”

They came flying across the room along with my boxers.

“Good look, though,” he said appreciatively.

I put my hands on my hips and slowly wiggled my hips in some bad imitation of sexy dancing. Declan began laughing, which wasn’t exactly the response I was hoping for until he swooped in for a kiss with a gentle tease of tongue.

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“Really good look,” he murmured.

Shuffling into my boxers after that was slightly harder, and Declan sat on the bed to pull his sneakers back on.

I smoothed the bed down when he got back up and stood back to survey the room.

“Looks reasonable, right?”

“They won’t suspect a thing.” He smirked.

I pushed him out the door and towards the kitchen. Declan started preparing coffee, and I slid onto the stool at the counter, happy to watch him as he moved comfortably around Fran’s domain.

“They asked me what I wanted to do,” Declan said suddenly. I had been distracted, watching his hands and wishing they were on me again.

“Who?”

“The bosses. They said they would support me with whatever I decided to do, but I think they were hoping I would agree to cover it up. For the time being, anyway.”

“How could you cover it up?” I asked.

Declan slowly put his hands upon the counter and didn’t look at me. He stared at the fake marble. It was the most interesting thing in the world, and I knew.

“By blaming me,” I replied, barely a whisper.

He still couldn’t look at me. “Yeah.”

“What, the predatory gay friend taking advantage of you in your hour of need?” My voice was starting to rise a little now.

“Something like that.” His tone, however, was both bitter and flat.

“And what did you say?”

I could tell from his posture that he was feeling both defensive and ashamed.

“You thought about it, right?” I couldn’t believe it. There he was on the phone, only a few hours ago, pledging his love to me, then
fucking
me; now he was basically admitting that he considered letting me fall on the sword for him.

“Of course I thought about it,” Declan said softly. “I thought about every fucking possibility, every scenario. It’s the way I am, Simon. I think things through. I don’t just wing it like you do.”

I wanted to throw something at him, but I stopped myself. “You think I wing it?

Jesus, Declan, ever since I started going out with you I’ve been planning things down to the minutest detail! When to call you, how not to draw suspicion—”

“I know.”

“So how is that winging it?”

“I just meant
naturally
, you wing things. If it wasn’t for me, you’d be out battling the press and telling them to fuck off.”

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“Yeah, and I’m not doing that because when it comes down to it, I want to do everything to protect you.”

He laughed. “I don’t think that’s going to be a problem now.”

“What, you think that now, because we’re exposed, I still won’t have to do it? Or won’t want to do it? If anything, the pressure will be worse now because before when I was only paranoid about the
possibility
of everyone watching us, they’ll actually be doing it!”

“Simon….” He crossed around the counter and came over to me, but my body language warned him to back off slightly.

“I can’t
believe
you considered it.”

“Not seriously. And only for a minute.”

I stared him down. “It was a minute too long.”

He opened his mouth to defend himself, but closed it as he heard the door opening.

“Do we have visitors?” I heard Fran call out.

“It’s us,” I called back, not taking my eyes off Declan.

“Us who?” asked Roger.

They entered the kitchen, laughing. They tried to exchange greetings with us, but quickly cottoned onto the fact that high drama was unfolding. I excused myself and walked out the back to get some fresh air. I thought if I stayed in there any longer I could be sick.

It wasn’t that long until I heard someone open the door and step up behind me. I was expecting Declan, but it was Roger.

“What’s going on?” he asked.

“Trying to seek a bit of sanctuary,” I said morosely. “But we just bring all the shit with us.”

“It’s early days yet,” Roger said in an attempt to be comforting. “You have to expect it, really.”

“Really?” I asked. “The bosses asked Dec if they should cover it up by saying that I came onto him when he was upset about his dad, and that he wasn’t reciprocating when the photos were taken. And you know what? He thought about it.”

“And?” Roger asked.

I stared at him in complete shock. “You think that’s okay?”

Roger shrugged. “I think it’s human.”

“Great.”

“I think you’d consider everything if you were in his position, as well.”

“I wouldn’t.”

“For fuck’s sake, of course you would!” Roger scoffed. “I bet you
any
one of us would think about it for a bit. It would be a complete fantasy, this magic pill that could

228 | SEAN KENNEDY

take your problem away, even if it’s practically impossible.” Roger sat down on the top step and pulled me down with him. “And I think that if you were to put yourself in his shoes for just a minute you
know
you would consider it as well, if you were honest enough to admit it. But what matters is that he
didn’t
agree to it. Because that’s not him.”

“That’s a lovely speech, Rog.”

“Fuck off.”

“Seriously, does Declan know you have a mancrush on him?”

Roger shoved me. “Arsehole.”

We sat in silence for a moment before I finally muttered, “Thank you.”

“Simon, at the moment, you’re going to have to choose your fights. And, of course, you being you, you’re choosing the wrong ones.”

What was it about friends that they could tell you the truth, no matter how painful, and you had to take it? I nodded. “I know. It just hurt, that’s all.”

“Girl.”

I punched him in the shoulder, and we both sagged against each other, laughing.

“It’s times like this I wish I smoked,” I mused. “These moments need cigarettes.”

“You hate the smell of smoke,” came Declan’s voice through the screen door. “You complain if the next door neighbour is in her yard and lights up.”

Roger stood. “I’ll let him take up the reins here and call you out for being a wanker. As usual.” As he opened the door and stepped around Declan he asked, “Are you staying for dinner?”

“Sounds good,” Declan said. “Thanks.”

“Simon?” Roger asked.

I shrugged. “Might as well.”

The two men in the doorway gave each other looks of commiseration, probably a shared feeling of wondering why they put up with me. Declan came out and sat beside me. I continued staring out past the Hills Hoist and to the dilapidated shed that was never used and was beginning to be swallowed up by jungle-like grass. Declan reached for my hand, and I squeezed it, rubbing my thumb over the back of his, a silent gesture to let him know I wasn’t really angry anymore.

“You know,” he said, and cleared his throat because it sounded a little rusty, “I’ve always thought about this day and how I would act when it happened. And in my head I was always unbearably noble and accepted coming out with dignity.”

I looked at him and tried to speak, but he cut me off.

“So how do you think I felt when it
did
happen, and they offer me this option, this way out that could make it all disappear? That could make it stop, for just a little while, all this fear and self-doubt, this worry that I’m not ready for it yet?”

I let him speak and brought my other hand over to rest upon his arm.

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“How do you think I felt when I seriously considered, for one brief moment, letting the man I love take the fall for me? Believe me, no matter how angry you are with me, I hate myself even more for it.”

Hearing him put his fears out there made what little remnants of the anger that I was holding onto fade away. And Roger was right, Declan was not the kind of guy who would ever have
seriously
considered that course of action. It just wasn’t him, after all.

“I’m not angry, Dec. You’re right, it’s a natural reaction to think about it. And I can be a fucking prig sometimes, expecting people to act better than they should, when I’m not in that position and would probably do the exact same thing if I were.”

“I’m going to do it,” he said. “I’m going to come out. And deal with whatever happens.”

I nodded.

“Simon, you’re part of this. Because whatever happens when I do this, you’re a part of it. Are you okay with that?”

“Of course I am.”

He sighed, and I knew he was feeling as uncertain about everything as I was. “So what do we do now?”

I stood up and yanked him up with me. I hugged him tight and said, “We go inside and help them with dinner.”

He laughed. “If only everything else would be as easy.”

Yep. If only.

A TRUER sentiment had never been spoken.

When I got home, my yard was empty. I knew it would be short-lived, however, and the reporters would probably be back in the morning. Declan had gone back to his parents’, saying that he would probably be on the phone for the rest of the night in conference calls to his coach and the board as he convinced them of what he wanted to do and they figured out the logistics of it all.

I received a text as I was jumping in to bed later that read,
Tomorrow is D-day.
I couldn’t sleep, I felt so sick.

THE faithful pack had returned in the morning, and I resolutely ignored them as I got into my car and made my way into the city. When I walked into the office, Nyssa met me at the door and intoned theatrically, “The bosses are
here
, boss.”

“What?” I asked. I think the only way to truly describe my expression was
aghast
. They
never
came to our office, Nyssa and I always had to drag our arses across town to meet with them. You would normally think that the consensus would be that as we were

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on our own territory we would have the advantage, but I didn’t think this would be the case. They were showing how utterly serious this was, that they had to leave theirs.

“They’re waiting for you in your office.”

“How could they all fit?”

She shrugged. “Oh, and Alice Provotna has left you at least fifty messages.”

“Alice Provotna is the least of my worries right now,” I told her. “Wish me luck.”

Nyssa crossed her fingers and waved them in front of me as if they could create a shield to protect me against the board members who were probably deciding my fate as we spoke. I took the long walk down the hall—had this hallway always been
this
long?

Seriously, it was normally three steps. I pushed open the door with as much confidence as I could muster.

As I swept my way grandly through my extremely small and now extremely cramped office, I tried to appear as nonchalant as possible. “Morning, all,” I said casually, thanking them silently that they had at least not taken my chair while searching for others to sit upon. I threw my briefcase under my desk and sat down.