Authors: Camila Cher Harmath
CHAPTER ELEVEN
Sarah is never at home or at least that is what it seems. I get up, get dressed, do whatever I have to do every single morning–make up, comb my hair, have an argument with the toaster because it works really badly, and to be honest, I don’t want to go to college with an empty stomach because morning hunger is the worst type of hunger.
I feel something odd about myself today, I am starting to feel a little bit more alive and with lots of energy. God may know why, because I don’t. I couldn’t sleep all night long because my mind was full of unconcluded thoughts and unsolved mysteries –which are not mysteries at all, but whatever.
I hate this life. When I was a schoolgirl I thought that when I ended senior year I would be free and capable of doing whatever the heck I wanted to, but obviously it is not true, you know. It is even worse because school on those days was an obligation for me and my friends –yeah, I had friends– and I couldn’t decide whether I wanted to assist or not. I just HAD to go and I didn’t have any other choice.
Now at college things are genuinely different because every student has to decide if they want to assist or not, it’s totally up to you and nobody –but the professor, in my case– is going to tell you a thing if you decide to skip class, for example.
Mornings are boring. Everything is, though.
I can’t make my life exotic and adventurous because I am a coward and I follow the rules just because they are and everything fun is dangerous and danger scares me. A lot.
Maybe you think I am wrong; not every fun activity has to be necessarily dangerous, but let me tell you something, at mid seventies I am not going to throw a pajama party at my place because (A) it’s not cool anymore and (B) I don’t like to be around lots of girls shouting and screaming –myself included— and (C) I don’t have girlfriends and also (D) just not.
Whatever, I’ve just finished my daily and boring breakfast and I am now going to college.
Oh, it’s raining, great.
I get out of my car and make a quick run towards the entrance hall. I bet one hundred bucks that I am looking like a total failure while placing my jacket above my head to try not to get wet. I am also making my steps pretty hilarious because honestly, I don’t want to ruin my shoes and I don’t care about what everybody is thinking. Probably no one is even looking at me. I am invisible here, that may be a good or a bad thing. A good one because if I made something totally stupid or out of place no one would realize –like the one I am doing at the moment– and a bad one because if I were dying or in need of help nobody would notice me and me and my soul would be left alone.
Theodore is standing just inside the entrance hall and, at the moment I look at him, my heart starts beating as fast as a Ferrari.
He looks meaner, sexier, not like the gentle Theo I met days ago. I like it, by the way. I am just amazed by his look today; that leather jacket, dark blue pants (I think they are denim but I haven’t figured out yet), black boots –which are definitely the sexiest shoes a man can wear, I don’t know why, they are just different from other shoes. I hate when boys wears the usual Chuck Taylors. Don’t get me wrong, I like them but not for boys my age or older. I used to wear them when I was sophomore.
As I walk –wanting to die, of course, because now I know he is looking at me while I walk like a koala– I get near him. I can tell that he is staring at me in some way he has never before; his arms crossed and one side of his toned –but still skinny– and pale body is resting on the wall.
I turn my gaze to his eyes hoping he is not looking at me anymore but unfortunately I am wrong and he has never changed his look from its initial place.
I feel more and more awkward as I approach him, I wish this odd feeling ends up quickly because is definitely not nice. I am completely soaked and –as I said before– it makes me want to die but anyway, I keep concentrated on what I have in front of my eyes, pretending that it’s no big deal.
As you see, I can’t stop thinking because my mind is a thought machine and it never shuts down. It’s pretty strange because I can’t put into words and say what I’m thinking, and maybe that is why I am so scared of people liking me, because I never give them –or even myself– the opportunity to know what is really inside of my head. And that is not how things work, I guess.
People have to communicate; they need to speak to each other to get in order to get to know one another. If not, nobody is going to have the urge to get near you and start a conversation, even if you are the hottest girl in college; people will talk about you but they won’t actually talk to you. Nobody really wants to talk to a person who is not interested on talking to you.
Roth is different. We started being friends from the first day, only because we were newbie’s and neither of us had someone to talk to. So, we shared the desk and the chat started automatically and naturally. It was not difficult for me at first, but later on, he started getting new and more friends and being popular and getting invited to parties and whatever, and I did not.
I was –and am– Roth’s left out pal and I want to change that, I know I can. This is not the life I believe I deserve. Being honest, nobody wants to be
someone’s something
. I know I can’t express myself correctly, what I meant was that I don’t want to be a
part
of Roth’s group of people. I am tired of overhearing people saying
hey look, it’s Roth’s weirdo friend,
because I am not this person, hope you understand what I am trying to mean.
“Theodore,” I state when I am less than two steps closer. I guess it’s a new record; I’ve said the same name for about two hundred times in less than a week.
He smiles at me and I have no choice but to smile back. Well, it’s not really a choice, it’s just something unconscious. I can’t help but smile back when he pulls that nice smile that I love.
“I was waiting for you,” he speaks crooking his smile. “How are you today?” he asks in such a gentle way I want to grab him and take him home for the rest of my life.
“I am totally wet,” I say grabbing my soaked hair with one hand, pulling an I-want-to-die face.
“I see, Calypso,” he giggles and place both his hands on the pockets of his trousers “But regarding the water, how are you
feeling
?” he pronounces
feeling
differently, that makes me realize that he is talking seriously.
“Oh. Fine, I guess,” I mutter shyly, realizing that I am still standing in the rain and I can barely open my eyes.
He is standing beneath a little glass ceiling located just in front of the entrance so he isn’t getting soaked like me. Literally, if someone gives me a shampoo I can totally wash my hair in this instant.
“Why are you always guessing?” he asks kind of mad. I don’t understand what he’s supposed to mean.
“Am I?” I inquire doubtfully “I don’t know, Theo. I just don’t know,” I add several seconds later after pulling a somehow sad or clueless face.
Whatever I am feeling at the moment it has nothing to do with him, I mean, he takes my breath away, honestly, but right now I am feeling a little bit doleful. My thoughts earlier made me feel kind of odd. I don’t know why I am being so bipolar lately, but it is driving me mad.
“Take it easy,” he takes out his hands of his pockets and approaches me gently, looking and staring at me with such tenderness I want to ask him who paid him to do that beautiful gesture, no joke.
“I am fine,” I try to convince both of us, because I know that it is not 100% true. I don’t know how I am supposed to feel after losing my only friend, I almost forget about it; after all the hatred he felt towards me, I’ll always love Roth.
It is nice that Theodore came into my life; I am not so lonely now. All Thanks to him. Even my mom is absent, I just can’t cope with my life anymore, I wish I was happier about him, about what is going on between the both of us, but I can’t.
There’s a voice inside my head that keeps telling me
you are not enough for nobody, even for yourself
. And then I pretend to be happy and have an awesome life with my hopeless mind. It’s not that easy when you don’t know who to talk to, you just stand there, lying about your emotions because you don’t want to scare a boy you have just met by telling him “
hey, I am lonely, help me
”, because he will just feel pity and shame for me and I don’t want to show myself that wrecked. I want to show myself as a strong person and it’s not that easy.
I feel like asking how he is going on today but on the other hand, I believe that I’ve spent a lot of time thinking and it’s already late. So I just look at him, raising my eyebrows and getting a little bit closer than we were before. I have to take more risks in my life and I want to take them with him.
“Let’s go somewhere,” I take a shot and try to make something interesting out of our boring how-are-you-today conversation.
He changes his haze and pulls a smirk, although I cannot figure out if he is okay with the idea or if he found it extremely ridiculous.
“Somewhere like… what?” he inquires with a tone of surprise.
I kind of forgot that I am still standing in the rain.
“But we have to go to class,” he adds serious.
“Really? Theodore are you kidding me?” I grab his hands showing my teeth and giggle as if I am a crazy person.
“No,” he answers innocently, without getting off his hands from mines. I really want to kiss him right now.
“Let’s go,” I speak “Let’s run away,” I say again with a look of happiness. I am pretty excited just with the idea of both of us. I wish he wants to go with me too. I am a person with such low self-esteem that all I can
actually
find it common if he is thinking that I am so ugly and crazy.
“Wait…” he hesitates for a second or two “What about college?” he seems preoccupied, very preoccupied.
“What about college?” I repeat and imitate with his exact tone of voice, trying to make him open his mind and think about what his life is really about. “What about living our life? What about having some fun? What about it, Theodore?”
I can’t believe I am actually doing it. I am now steps forward him and I feel great about it; about my decision.
“Isn’t it a little bit too early, Cal?” he tries to speak without hurting me but clearly my world has fallen in a matter of milliseconds.
I knew he didn’t want me, nobody ever will.
“What do you mean?” I speak making myself sound disoriented. “I thought you liked me,” I add while tears starts filling my eyes. As I am standing in the rain it’s not that easy to realize that I’ve just had my heart broken by the one and only person I do care about –and like a lot, too.
“I do,” he grabs my face and caresses a side of my cheek. I am starting to take deep sighs. “Lypso, hey,” Theodore says pretty serious. “I do, I really do. And I appreciate everything you do but, uh, I really care about college and–“
“I get it,” I murmur and finally a tear starts streaming down my face, getting lost in between the rain drops that are all over my face. I CAN’T GET THIS EMOTIONAL ABOUT HIM.
I don’t move, I just stand there with one hand grabbing Theodore’s, and my face touching his other one that is caressing me with such love I feel like dreaming.
He starts putting my wet hair behind my right ear and meanwhile he stares directly at me. It literally seems that he doesn’t give a shit about my state. My wet state, I mean.
“Don’t get mad at me,” he speaks in a sweet tone of voice I can barely hear him.
I sigh and unconsciously start sobbing like a little baby.
“Don’t put me that face, Cal,” he adds directly after I pulled a puppy face. I always put the same face when I am about to cry.
I don’t want to show myself as a weak girl. Least in front of Theodore, but I cannot contain my strength because I like him a little bit too much. I consider myself a total failure.
“Let’s get into class, okay?” he inquires softly.
I don’t want to. I had in mind the idea of us going together to somewhere unknown and his rejection is making my heart ache.
“I don’t want to,” I speak out loud angry. I might seem like a whimsical but at the moment there’s nothing else I can try to do.
Poor Theodore, I know he really is a
gift from God
but I am the problem, I am the one who is hard to please.
“Come on, Cal,” he giggles. I can’t contain myself and smile.
At the end of the day he is the one and only who makes me smile no matter what.
“Okay,” I mutter
energyless
. Don’t know if that word even exists but you know what? Of course you do; I don’t care.
I just proceed. I start walking beside him. I am sad. No wait… Sad is not the word, maybe strange or left apart. I don’t know.
He suddenly grabs my left hand while caressing it with the hem of his index finger, making me sigh of amusement. It seems to me that he has realized because he smiles and crooks the side of his beautiful mouth.
We start walking together across the hall and then by the corridor. People is looking at us, the thing is... There are a lot of factors why people might be looking: (1) I am totally soaked from head to toe, (2) A couple of teenagers are walking down the hallway, (3) Every time people are grabbing hands they all look like the apocalypse is near, (4) I am “the antisocial” and probably, not a single soul can believe I am walking with a nice man WHILE GRABBING HANDS, (5) Maybe they are looking at Theodore’s handsome appeal.