Authors: Camila Cher Harmath
“You don’t have to, Cal, we can be happy together, we can love each other as much as we do right now,” he says while walking directly to me, staring right into my eyes and lips.
He places a nice kiss on my lips. This time it feels like the last kiss we are going to ever have. It feels nice, I know it is not, but there is a thing I take for granted; it feels nice until it’s over.
“Theodore, stop,” I say.
“I thought you were different.”
“That’s why I have to do this.”
I leave.
CHAPTER TWENTY SEVEN
That’s it. It’s done. I made something I was convinced about. I can’t admit that I am not feeling sad or depressed, of course I am, but I am glad I finally did it because it was driving me mad in a very bad way.
Few weeks have passed since
it
happened. I hate being in a relationship with someone because I am afraid of being left alone or broken. That is why I prefer not being in a relationship at all, which leads to being alone for my whole life or at least trying to leave with it; with the fear of someone leaving me, which is inevitable because at some point it always happens.
Anyway, Roth is still my best friend because he knows and understands me more than anyone –even than myself. I got used to him, to the way he acts towards me and how our friendship works. I know he is not going to let me down although there are times he does, I know it is for good.
I told him the whole story with Theodore and he said that it was something between the both of us –me and Theodore– and that he wasn’t supposed to know that stuff, which is great but I have always wanted someone to talk about my boyfriend and stuff related to him, etcetera.
Roth is the reflection of the person I always wanted to be; social, with lots of friends and carefree, which is completely the opposite of who I am; obsessive, antisocial and a control freak.
There’s nothing I cannot not control because unfortunately that’s who I am. Everything I do is because there have been lots of hours of thinking before making it.
I don’t miss
us
, I never got used of him because being alone is my comfort zone, I mean, I miss him as a couple and a friend but I don’t miss the person who I was when I was near him. We were definitely not meant to be; it wasn’t that we didn’t love each other; we did so much I was afraid of losing that lovely thing we had together. And now, together is no longer a thing.
Staring at his eyes and grabbing his face by the nape of his neck was the most amazing thing I had the pleasure to feel and I regret nothing we did together, not even a single thing. In spite of the arguments we had, every single moment was special.
I remember when he told me that I would never be able to see him again. It was a lie because I have and I know he has, too. I have seen him several times at college and I couldn’t resist but to stare at that lovely face. Of course, when we walked past each other he never said a word or looked at me, which made me feel pretty uncomfortable.
You are probably thinking about how I didn’t talk about my mother. The reason is: I don’t want to, because she hid things from me and now I am caged with something I also don’t want to talk about; my father, let’s not even name him.
I need to face something, my mom died because of me, she committed suicide because I escaped from home. Come on, it was not because of the alcohol or the drugs because she had issues with them from the age of twenty-one.
Sarah was desperately looking for some moment when she was able to kill herself and she found it perfectly. I know it sounds horrifying but it’s the truth.
What I believe is that life has something prepared for everyone, and for me this is ending up alone. Nonetheless, it is what I have always wanted by reason of my fear of being surrounded by people.
The thing is, I was the dark side of him, I was the one who resembled darkness and I was so stupid I wasn’t able to recognize that. I mean, there’s something good in every bad thing and there’s something bad in every good thing. I have to admit that this time the good thing is that I found myself and the bad thing is that I was lost for a very long time.
I was lost, now I am not.
I’ve risen from an awful past, hope we all did.
EPILOGUE
I take a look in the mirror and realize that my hair is longer now, way longer than two months ago. I am happier, healthier, I don’t cry in my sleep anymore and my mood is better than ever, although sometimes I feel a pain in the ass, I can admit that I am in my best moment.
My grades are good, the house is tidy –lonely, though– and I started working at Target so I have some extra money to pay the bills.
The mirror reflects someone I have always wanted to be; confident, mature and responsible.
Suddenly, I hear the bell ring and I feel confused. The only one I can think of is Kate but I don’t believe she is capable of coming to my house at this time of the evening.
I made new friends at college, I even talked to Lisa and she seems a pretty nice human being, to be honest. I am kind of best friends with Kate and Dylan, who are in a relationship. They are great and so cute together, I feel so comfortable around them. I am so glad I could finally socialize and meet some new people.
The only thing that catches my eye is that they remember me so much about
him
and it makes me feel a little bit uncomfortable sometimes, but I try not to think about it because I don’t have to be attached to someone forever.
I start walking down the stairs as fast as I can and get to the door. While grabbing the door knob and finally open the door, disconcerted.
A man is standing at the entrance, waiting for an answer. He is wearing a black nice coat. He is brunette and pretty tall, I can tell.
“Hello?” I speak. He turns around and I see his face. This man seems worried; he has a pretty rare look. He also has blue eyes.
“Hi,” he approaches me.
“Do you need something?”
“I’m Alex.”
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
There are so many people to thank but at this moment I can’t think of anyone. I am sitting at some random bed trying to think about something to say but it is impossible to acknowledge all the friends, teachers and siblings that gave me so much support and believed in me in so many aspects of my life. I will try hard to remember every single person I need to thank for.
Mom, I would love to be as strong as you are but that’s physically impossible; I try hard to impress you every day, I want you to know that. Thank you for supporting me with this project and I am really sorry for reading out loud the same fucking pages over and over again every single time I could.
Family, I will always love how proud of your little girl you are, although I am not that little anymore. I appreciate your concern for me when I had tough times and also a big
thank you
for providing me with the support every time I needed it.
Thanks to Melanie Cinzer for editing my first book and being honest with me and my writing. You are such an amazing person; I would like to be like you when I am older.
I would like to render big, big, big thanks to Aldana Fattore for inspiring me to write in this wonderful language. You have always helped me and always have my back and I appreciate that a lot, my friend.
Sloths
, I GOT IT BITCHES!!!! You are the best thing I have in my life, my beautiful friends. I can’t explain how grateful I am for having the possibility to share my life with such amazing friends as you are. I have to admit I wouldn’t have been able to do this without you. Thanks to Belen Gilibert, for dreaming about the movie together (though it is not even real), Ivana Kasper for being my fan number one even before my book was even initiated, Catalina Lepes, Camila Fogliano, Azul Larken, Natalia Verdura and Agustin Conci, for just being you.
Thanks to Miss Rosario and Miss Carol for teaching me English and arguing with me when I did something wrong because you were always right.
Also a
big
thank
to my therapists who helped me to overcome every single disastrous situation and still believe in me.
I don’t have to forget about the people that ever read my book because it is an enormous pleasure to say
I finally made it.
Don’t forget to buy the 2
nd
part of the Till We Rise series, Till We Surrender.