Authors: Camila Cher Harmath
“Love it,” I answer pretty excited.
“Get ready because you’re about to try the best oatmeal ever,” he hands me a spoon, “It’s my mom’s specialty,” as I hear his words I get more and more excited about trying it.
I take a bite of Alice’s specialty and it’s absolutely nice, neither salty nor sweet; just perfect.
“Oh God, deliciousness,” I agree with him.
Though I don’t feel dizzy anymore, my stomach is kind of aching, to be honest, because of the alcohol intake, obviously. I am not hungry enough to finish the whole meal but I will because I just want to eat.
We are about to leave Theo’s house when his brother Stephen steps inside. I recognize him because I remember that Theo once told me he had three siblings. He never told me Stephen’s age but for sure it is him because (1) Frank is the smallest one –kind of seven years old– and (2) Chloe is obviously a girl.
I stare at him curiously, exploring every single inch of him. I believe he’s about 16 years old, or maybe a little bit older. He is exactly as his brother, blond but not that blond and with dark eyes that express sadness, as if something is hurting like a bitch.
Stephen is taller and way more toned than Theodore, they are both good looking, by the way. They kind of have good genes, honestly. I wouldn’t mind to hook up with him. Just kidding.
Theo said minutes ago he was going to look for some stuff upstairs and when he was over he would be right here for us to leave, hope he doesn’t take so much time because I am feeling a little bit awkward right here by myself, timidly grabbing the sleeves of the t-shirt Theo gave me several hours ago.
Stephen kisses Alice hello, says hi to Robert in a very cold way and stares at me curious.
“Who’s she?” he asks pretty angrily while he drops his bag on the living room’s floor.
“Theodore’s here, honey,” she speaks tenderly, looking at him as if she is trying not to break a fragile object made of crystal
.
To be honest, I feel kind of disturbed. Not only because Stephen has just asked
who’s she
when he realized I was there but because Alice didn’t even say who the hell I was.
“I don’t want to see him,” he speaks angrily, walking towards the kitchen, “Why is he here? I don’t wanna see him,” Stephen adds again, this time even more furious
.
“It’s your brother, sweetheart,” Alice speaks with a sad look on her face
.
I feel kind of odd about this situation. It can’t be nice if your sons hate each other, or if one of them hates the other
.
“I don’t care mom.
”
“I’m ready,” Theo sings while walking down the stairs. He turns his gaze to his brother and pulls a weird look. I can’t tell if he is angry or disappointed, “Oh, hi. Steph-
“
“Can you not?” he says between teethes, turning his head to the other side of the room, trying not to look at anyone who’s in there.
“Honey,” Alice interrupts
.
“Mom, stay out of this,” Stephen adds furious
.
“Why are you so meanto me, brother?” Theo asks while he makes a few steps near Stephen
.
“Don’t call me brother,” he shouts louder than before.
Theo sighs and approaches me with a look of sadness on his face. I feel terrible.
“Cal, mind if you wait outside for one minute?” He inquires nicely, staring directly into my eyes.
“Oh, sure,” I say desultory.
• • •
“What was that about?” I say grabbing his hand and walking towards the street.
“Forget it,” he stares at the floor with a look of sadness on his face. I should feel bad about him too, but I am just tired of him hiding something from me.
“No, Theodore. Tell me what that was about,” I grant him trying to seem angry but I can’t because who can be angry at Theodore Kowalsky after having sex for the first time ever? Anyway, I should pretend that I am mad at him. “I heard screaming and I don’t want you to suffer” I add tenderly.
He turns his gaze to me and gives me a little peck, “Forget it,” he repeats, “I’m fine”.
“Okay,” my attempt to be angry at him obviously failed and he wins again.
“Can we just, like, walk for a while?” Theo begs.
I am really sleepy and overwhelmed about our day here in Northampton, so I just nod and agree with him. Although I feel bad about his relationship with his brother, I think that he doesn’t want to talk about it so maybe, I should not pressure him to do so. Of course he doesn’t want to talk about it, dumbass.
It’s hard to explain how it feels like to be his, as if I belong to him. I mean, it is now obvious and inevitable that he thinks of me in this way. I am still wearing one of his t-shirts and I‘ve spent the whole nap thinking about the t-shirt I was sleeping in; his scent, his everything. I don’t know if it’s true that being in love feels like having butterflies in the stomach, I am not denying it; I am just saying that butterflies are just little insects and I don’t feel like having insects inside me, I just feel like one. I feel like a butterfly when I am near him; I can fly, I am free, I am beautiful.
I keep pretending that Theo is the love of my life. That is at least what I believe. I believe in soul mates, of course, but the thing I don’t believe is that love lasts forever. Everything turns into memories at some point. I mean, when I am around him it is like everything is perfect and we are invincible and stuff but then I kind of sense that this is definitely not going to last forever. Because I am not destined to be happy, of course I am kind of negative person. Funny, because I hate when people say negative stuff although I am the most negative one. We tend to hate the things the other ones do and those things we hate are the one we do the most, right?
That is why I hate so much when somebody hides something from me, because I hide everything; my feelings mostly. I need to get out of the box and talk because if not someday I will explode. The thing is that I believe that nobody wants to hear how I feel, I am not that interesting to listen to, to be honest. I am not making myself feel bad, it is just the truth.
The other thing that hurts me the most is the fact that I don’t know if I am doing the things right. I am not talking about this thing about
running away
, I am talking about everything. And lately I have been talking about lots of stuff but the point is that I don’t know if I am making the right decisions at the moment.
“I love this awkward silence. I just love it,” Theo giggles.
Now I don’t know what to say. Do I have to laugh too? Do I have to smile at him or what? I am always wondering this stuff. A simple hello is a huge deal to me. I told you I was an over-thinker. And if you are too, welcome to the club.
“I kind of like silence,” I admit.
“I know you do,” he kindly caresses my hand with his thumb.
“How?” I say staring at him.
“I just do. You tell me.”
“I just feel secure. I don’t speak much, if it was possible I wouldn’t speak at all,” a.k.a. I am an insecure person.
“Silence gives you security?” Theo asks doubtfully.
“Yep,” I reply.
“Woah, deep,” he adds as he nods, “And this doesn’t make you feel secure?” He grabs my face and places his mouth in mine. Everything happens so fast I am not able to close my eyes, so I decide to stare at him and how nice his closed eyes look like and how long his eyelashes are. He’s just so cute.
I obviously kiss him back but this time just for few seconds because it already made me feel secure enough. We tear our faces apart and I smile, out of breath.
“Hope it did,” he says grabbing my right hand again.
I remain silent, I can’t say a word. He always leaves me speechless.
I love him. I do. But I won’t say it because I am selfish enough to let him know. I also believe that love is just an illusion; you don’t have to let it fool you. It comes, tears you apart and then leaves, like everything; it doesn’t matter how important it is to you.
“I hate love,” I break the silence.
“I love love when it’s real love, indeed.”
“It’s never real.” I am kind of angry, “I mean, maybe for a while, for a few years, of course. But it’s never real. When you are in love or even when you meet a person, you are just losing a part of yourself. When you commit to someone, at the first moment you see that person, you’ve already lost. Love is always about losing something. It fucks you up so badly you end up losing something. It doesn’t matter what it is, you just lose it.”
“What about us?” he scratches the nape of his neck.
“We’re already lost.”
“What do you mean?”
“I know we are not going to last that much together, Theo.”
“Why? We met few weeks ago and we are working things out,” he adds extremely excited as if everything was literally working out great.
“That’s why,” I sigh. “That’s why I don’t want to know you better,” I stop walking and, grabbing his face with my hands, I stare directly into his eyes.
“I don’t get it,” Theo seems confused.
“I know you don’t, but I do and please don’t leave me.”
“Cal, you were the one who invented the speech about love and how it’s not real and stuff and I don’t know wha-”
“Is this love?” I interrupt him, caressing his cheek and then pressing my right thumb in his upper lip.
“What?”
“This.” I give him a nice little peck. We are now less than an inch apart, “Is this love?” I say with the nicest tone of voice I can manage to do.
“I don’t know, but whatever this is, it feels incredible.”
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
Our day consisted in a nice long walk to the city centre of Northampton, which was absolutely pretty because it is tiny and everyone knows one another; everybody greeted Theo and asked about me and stuff, it was incredible. It also consisted in lying down on a hammock that appeared to be on a place full of trees and shrubs, and my favorite part: silence.
“Don’t let it fool you,” I remember him saying while we kindly embraced each other. “Love, I mean. Don’t let love fool you,” he repeated afterwards.
“It won’t unless you do,” I answered caressing his chest.
It rained, the nicest rain I have ever seen, and I am not that keen on rain, to be honest. We run and kissed under it, like in movies but not that perfect because I was not full of make-up and my hair was hideous. The perfect part was obviously him; he doesn’t have to try any hard to look extremely gorgeous.
I admire those who can look like goddesses without even trying, as if they were naturally perfect.
I remember that girl in fifth grade called Heather who had the ability to make anything perfect. I don’t really know if it was because I really hated myself and was pretty insecure or if she was actually perfect, but honestly, she even looked pretty when she was angry or crying, it bothered me to death.
The return to Theo’s home was quiet, just grabbing hands and smiling because of the lovely day we had had. His home is a nice tiny yellow one, the weird part is that it is located in front of a cemetery but ghosts don’t scare me so I am okay with it. It is also full of nature and nice houses. It is a really nice town. Nothing compared to the city of Boston, with lots of cars and buildings surrounding my home. It’s hideous besides Northampton, I love this place. If it was for me I would stay here forever.
Stephen decided to walk away from his house for the time Theo was in it. We realized Alice wasn’t happy at all because of the fact Stephen didn’t want to stay at his home but it is understandable, or at least for me it is.
“Where do we go now?” Theo suddenly asks.
We are now lying on the red couch watching a bad TV show but pretending that we love it. It is just stupid, we use it as an excuse to cuddle and be cheesy together. I hate cheesiness, by the way, but it actually feels great.
“I don’t know, honestly,” I answer kind of sad, “I don’t wanna go home but I think it’s time to go,” I add seriously.
I don’t really want to go back home to my routinary life and stuff. I only think it is the right thing to do. We were out from Boston for about two days now and I know it is not that long but my mother is probably scared and worried about me, although I told her not to.
“I don’t want to,” he speaks kissing my shoulder.
“Me neither, love,” I say
love
unconsciously, I kind of regret it but it sounds right.
“Love?” he repeats after me, smiling.
“Yes, Love,” I add giggling.
“You are so fucking pretty,” he speaks staring directly at me, with a weird look on his face. It’s a nice look, by the way, I’ve just never seen it.
“I am not,” I deny.
“Stop underestimating yourself.”
“I can’t.”
“Yes you can. Love yourself a little bit more,” Theo seems kind of angry at me. Not in a bad way but in a nice one. I believe he wants me to look at myself the way he looks at me. I really don’t know how to look at him, I just feel beautiful when I am with him and that is maybe what he wants me to feel all the time. I can’t, because I know I am not.
“It’s difficult, Theo.”
“I know it is, just pretend to do it and it will work out naturally,” he caresses my cheek tenderly. I stare at him in love, deeply in love. Never thought I would feel this way.
“How can you?” I wonder pretty intrigued.
“What?”
“How can you be so perfect?”
“You are perfect yourself. I just don’t want to tell it to you because you won’t believe me.”
“Because I will say “I am not” and start arguing with you?”
“Exactly,” he nods.
“God, how could you manage to know me in just a matter of days?” I am mad at myself because I don’t actually know me and he knows me better.
“It’s not that easy, believe me. You are shy as hell and that precludes my obsession with you.” Obsession? What is he talking about?
At some point he is right, I am shy and that is a bad quality and that doesn’t let people know me, even my mom or my best friend.
“I kidnapped you for a reason, Cal.”
“What?” I mutter.
“I was kidding.”
“I thought you have stopped with your jokes.”
“I know you hate it.”
“So please stop.”
“You’re lovely.”
“Just stop doing that, please,” I giggle.
“Okay, okay,” he laughs too.
I suddenly remember about Roth, maybe he wasn’t the best friend a person could ever have but he was
my
best friend, the one I could ever manage to have. I push people away but he was still there for me, every single time I needed him. Perhaps at that moment I felt that he wasn’t and that he had lots of other friends and that I was only one of them, okay, maybe I was, but he was
my everything
and now I lost him. I miss him; I miss my mom, my house, my hideous car.
But most of all, I don’t miss myself. I don’t miss my life, my feelings, and the wretched girl that only went to college during the week and slept during the weekend. Nothing else. That was my life and I don’t want it back although I miss some parts of it.
“I don’t wanna go home,” I claim afraid of everything I could be afraid of.
“If it depended on me, I would stay here forever, like this,” he says caressing my back, placing his head over mine, leaving my nose just over his collar bones.
“My mom,” I speak between teethes. “What about my mom?”
“We are leaving tomorrow, just keep calm; everything’s going to be okay with her.”
“I don’t want to leave, Theo.” I embrace him with my arms, hugging him hard, feeling his heartbeat and his breathing.
“I don’t want to either, Lypso.” He grabs my face cautiously and places a nice little kiss on my forehead.
“But we have to,” I say after him.
“Exactly, we have to,” he adds placing his thumb on my lips, “Just relax.” He pulls a nice little smile to make me feel a little bit less nervous.
I am feeling like the first time we made love, not relaxed but nervous. It was a nice feeling, though. Like the one you have when you give your first kiss when you are young.
The thing about sex is that it is totally romanticized. I mean, you have to have sex –or better,
to make love
– for the first time with the great love of your life. Not really to me, I believe it is like your first kiss. When you are young nothing matters, you just
have
your first kiss when you have the opportunity, right? At least that’s what I think.
Although I knew he was the right person to make love with, I still believe it could have happened with another person and nothing would have been wrong about it and nothing would have been different with me. It is just sex, really. It feels amazing, though.
Another thing that is true is that it hurts, it always hurts. If a girl tells you it doesn’t, she is lying; she must have made something strange before making love for the first time, honestly.