Authors: Camila Cher Harmath
“Calyps-“
“Don’t talk to me.” I can’t believe it, I start walking towards the door.
“But please, I want to help you,” he approaches me and grabs my waist. I take his hand off of me because I can’t believe what he has done.
“Help me with what? I AM PERFECTLY FINE.”
“With your father,” he says.
“Don’t. Even. Say. That.”
“You can’t deny it forever.”
“You’re disgusting.” I continue my walk downstairs and I can feel that he is just behind me, I want to keep yelling at him how confused and sick he is.
I start kicking and punching the walls and I am hurting myself but I don’t give a fuck. I deserve this feeling, I deserve to suffer. I deserve to make myself hurt and the fact that I am alcoholized makes everything easier for me.
“Cal, Cal, please don’t do that,” he says while embracing me in every way possible.
“I hate everyone,” I scream.
“Stop it, please,” he whispers in my ear.
“I hate you,” I say facing the wall.
“Hey, easy, easy,” he grabs my hair and puts it behind my ear. I can hear him crying.
“I’m lame,” I breathe as I cry, “I’m stupid,” I speak again, “I want to die,”
“I love you.”
CHAPTER TWENTY FIVE
I wake up and Theo is by my side, we are cuddling and I find it quite romantic. I have the most horrible hangover I have ever had –of course, because I have only drunk twice in my entire life.
I can’t remember a thing; I have no idea why I am lying in bed with him. The last thing I can manage to remember is when Kate offered me something to drink and then I had an argument with Roth, as always.
I want to sneak into the bathroom because I have a horrible breath and I want to brush my teeth. When I get up I realize that my world is turning around. I am never going to drink again. I promise.
“Oh, Calypso,” I say to myself as I take a look in the mirror. I am looking like hell, my hair is messed up and my make-up is all over my face, even in my cheeks.
I wash my face, brush my teeth and comb my hair. I am normal now; at least I am not looking like a monster anymore.
As I walk back to my room, I try to make the less noise I can to try not to wake up Theodore. I reach the door and open it, of course it makes that extremely noisy and annoying sound doors usually do and unfortunately, I wake him up.
“Shit,” I whisper.
“Hey,” he says smiling at me.
“Hello, love,” I say pretty happy. I like when we wake up together in the same bed. Except this time I am standing at the door, but he is in my bed so it’s the same, really.
“Come here,” he speaks while making a gesture for me to go where he is.
I walk directly to the bed and lie on top of him. We both hug each other in a cheesy way but it feels nice, to be honest. I stay above him silent for about twenty minutes straight.
“How are you feeling?” he says while caressing my back and kissing my forehead.
“Bad,” I admit, “I can’t remember how we got here,” I say frustrated.
“Do you wanna know?” he asks in a nice way.
“Sure.”
“Roth called me because you were too drunk to walk on your own terms,” he starts speaking, “I called a cab to go straight where you were.”
“A cab, really? You’re so cute,” I interrupt him
“You told me the same thing yesterday, Cal,” he laughs.
“Really?” I ask, “Okay, continue.”
“Nothing else, really. I went to fetch you and I took you home by foot.”
“That’s it?” I ask again.
“Yep,” he answers.
“Nothing interesting happened?”
“Not really,” he speaks, “You need to eat something, Cal. You have barely eaten these days,” Theo tries to change subject fast and I pretend that I don’t realize. I don’t want to fight and if we did fight yesterday, I don’t care because I was drunk.
“I am not hungry.”
“But you are so pale and-“
“I am not hungry,” I interrupt him.
“Calypso. Don’t make me angry,” he says.
“Theodore. Don’t make
me
angry,” I repeat.
“You’re so beautiful,” he says while giving me a peck, “but you need to eat.”
“You have ruined everything,” I giggle and give him another kiss.
The little kiss ends in a make out session and the bed ends in a big mess. I love when we kiss like we’ve never kissed before. It’s like the first time I saw him or the first time we talked in the bathroom.
“Seriously, I am hungry,” he says tearing our faces apart.
“You have to control your hunger,” I say laughing. It can’t be possible that he is hungry 24/7.
“Let’s go,” he gets out of the bed and starts walking to the door. I do the same, obviously, and follow him downstairs.
He has already started making some omelet for him to eat. I don’t like it so I just take a look at him and how utterly nice he looks while cooking.
For the first time, the house seems quiet but disorganized; everything looks so messy and strange. I take a look at everything, the ceiling, the floor, the walls… Wait. Why are they dirty as if they were covered with blood?
I approach the living room’s wall and take a look at them clearly; maybe this is the place where
she
died.
While I am staring at them I see my hands, the knuckles are full of blood too and they hurt me, I hadn’t realized this whole time but they are hurting like hell. I don’t understand what’s happening. Am I going crazy? I don’t remember anything.
I start running to the bathroom to wash my hands that are kind of bloody. I don’t know how I didn’t realize when I went to the bathroom earlier that I had blood on them. I feel nervous and I need to rush and clean them as fast as I can. I don’t want Theodore to see them.
“Everything’s fine?” he yells from the kitchen. I can barely hear him.
“Yeah,” I yell back, trying to sound convincing.
When I finally get out of the bathroom I freak out because Theo is standing right in front of me, I didn’t see that coming.
“What are you hiding?” he asks looking above my shoulders.
“Nothing,” I say innocently. I realize I am grabbing my hands behind my body and that makes even more obvious that I have something strange with them –at least that’s what I think– so I instantly grab his face and give him a peck and he answers with one nice kiss.
“I was kidding,” he giggles between kisses.
Our relationship is being extremely cheesy lately and I like it and dislike it at the same time. I like it because it’s me who is experiencing it and it feels nice, but I dislike it –a lot– when I see other people kissing and being absolutely disgusting. So basically, that is why I hate cheesy couples but I don’t hate being cheesy myself.
He is now eating his hideous omelet and I am just looking at him and I can’t believe how magnificent he looks while eating something as horrible as that.
“Is that okay?” I say with a disgusted look.
“Amazing,” he answers with his mouth full of food.
Fact: He is still extremely handsome.
“Are we going to college today?” I ask.
“Love, it’s twelve in the morning,” he answers kind of laughing about the stupid thing I have just said.
“Right.”
• • •
I felt like being lonely for a couple of hours so I took Theodore to the campus a few minutes ago.
I want to do something productive, such as writing something or watching a sad and depressing movie but I don’t want to get my laptop because I am going to do things I will regret afterwards.
I have this strange feeling again, like if everything is somehow bad and I can sense it. It’s not because of my hideous hangover, of course, it’s because of something else I haven’t been able to figure it out yet. I have to admit that Theodore is making things weird lately; I don’t know how to explain it.
Not that I don’t make things odd, you know. Since
that
happened I have been trying to be a person I am not, or maybe this is the person I have always been but never realized.
I’ve made a choice and I need to stick to it. Not like every other thing I have tried to do but never completed. I mean, it was nice and I have to admit it still is, but I don’t want to suffer anymore.
I can’t keep pretending that everything is making me feel better, because it honestly doesn’t. It’s like living depending on someone; you are happy when you are with that person but when you are not, you feel completely devastated.
This is not a way of living anymore. On one hand, I can’t stand living by myself, I can’t stand loneliness, and on the other hand, I can’t be all the time with someone else. I know there’s always a middle point when you can balance both of them, but imagine there’s no in-between, because that’s my life, there are never middle points, never in-betweens and never satisfaction. This happens because I don’t let myself do it, I mean, feeling satisfied. If I did I would eat the world in just one bite, metaphorically speaking.
Whatever, I am going to fetch some white paint because
I need
to clean up the mess downstairs. I start looking for it but I have no idea where to find it; the fact that I start looking for some paint in the bathroom makes me realize that I am kind of desperate.
The kitchen, the bathroom, the basement, the white paint. The bathroom, the basement, the kitchen. My breath, my sigh, the white paint. The bathroom, the kitchen, the basement. I cry, I can’t find the white paint, I get extremely mad, I touch my hair, I cry, I sigh, the white paint..
I am getting extremely crazy; I am making a big problem out of something that isn’t that problematic such as paint and blood on the living room walls.
I don’t have paint, I don’t have a paint brush either but I have blood. I see blood everywhere. I see my mom, I see blood, I scream. I need to calm down, there’s nobody in here, just myself and blood. I am crazy, I can’t stand this anymore.
I am standing by myself in front of the wall full of blood. I sigh, I dry my tears, I close my eyes, I take a look at my feet, I stare at the wall, the blood stain is not as big as I imagined, I calm down, my breathing slows down too. I take a look at the mirror and see I’m a mess; my face is full of water and tears.
I can’t concentrate.
CHAPTER TWENTY SIX
I immediately get up from the floor; I don’t know how I got here, maybe I passed out or something like that.
It’s almost midnight –I’ve been on the floor literally for about nine hours– and I am the hungriest person I’ve ever been, so I start walking directly to the kitchen.
As I stare at the fridge I think of what I feel like eating and when I open the door, I realize there is nothing inside of it. I can’t believe it; I want to cry while crawling on the floor.
I don’t want to drive somewhere to buy some junk food, although I would like to eat some. However, I am neither mental nor emotionally prepared to drive right now, so I just walk to the living room, sit on the couch and stare at the ceiling. I close my eyes from time to time, falling asleep till the sun rises.
I don’t even have to explain what I do before going to college, so I am going to skip that part because I always do the same fucking thing.
I have to admit that this morning something is different; my breakfast is not over the table, which means that someone is missing. I get a little bit sad about this but I have promised myself that I don’t have to feel sad anymore, just because I say it; that’s why I keep walking as if anything has happened.
It’s cold outside so I grab my leather jacket, obviously, and step outside the house. I walk down the staircase and open my car’s door.
I turn on the radio, whishing some interesting –and not sad– song is playing. I need to hear some happiness, something fun, not dull and dark as my life.
I barely feel my hands and my feet. It’s dangerous for me to drive the way I am feeling at the moment; cold and fragile.
I finally get to college and park somewhere, despite not even bothering to look where it is, and rapidly get out of the car, sighing and kind of crying.
In the time I make a quick run to the Main Building
I see him, and the more steps I take the nearer I am from him. I can't feel relaxed because I know that nothing is going to end right, I just know it. I don’t want to look at him, to those beautiful dark eyes I dig in so much, because if I do, I know I will fall in love again and I don't want to keep suffering.
The moment I am in front of him I can't do anything else but stare at the floor.
I can't look at him,
please, Calypso don't make me. I feel his presence, I feel his breath, and as soon as I do, I speak.
"I need to talk to you."
"Hello, right?" he giggles.
The worst part is that he thinks that everything is going to be alright or that we are cool right now and that scares the hell out of me because I don't know what is happening with me and the whole situation either. I sigh.
"I can't," I say trembling.
"What? Are you okay? You're so pale and fragile and you—"
"Please stop," I interrupt him, finally looking at his eyes, which makes me feel bad, really bad, because I like them and I don't want to like them. I look away, timidly grabbing the sleeves of my sweater.
I look at him again, his puppy face at its worst. I can't make me feel this way, it’s like threatening myself with something I know is going to hurt as hell, so I just look away. I know I am stronger than this. I know I can do it.
"See you at yours at two?" he asks after all the period of staring at each other.
“No,” I speak immediately, “at your place.”
“Room 305,” he says while the bell rings and the fact that I am happy about it makes me feel strange.
He approaches me and I step back instantly. He was about to kiss me and I fucking stepped back.
“You have to go to class,” I say.
“Yes, I know,” Theodore says, “You too.”
“Yeah, bye,” I turn around and start walking towards another direction; to my class.
I can’t believe what I have just done; I treated him like if we were strangers. They say that sometimes lovers turn into strangers, because there is so much to know about each other that they never end up being actual lovers, but I think that if we knew a person that much we would just get tired of him or her.
I know that there are so many reasons why I am doing this, but one of them is that I don’t want
him
to get tired of me because that will break my heart into pieces. I am so selfish I am not thinking about him, about his heart being broken by me.
Before getting in class, I push every single person I have in front of me, I don’t care about anything anymore. They stare at me as if I were crazy and out of my mind but as I said before, I don’t care.
I step into the classroom and don’t even bother to take my seat; I just sit on the first place I see, which is the furthest from the professor I could find.
I don’t give a shit about what the professor is starting to say and I just stare at the ceiling, waiting for the time to pass as fast as it can. Some students chat, others are paying attention and some are just doing nothing, like me.
Another class I am not paying attention to. I don’t even look at the professor. My college day is almost over and I don’t know what subjects I had today, and you know what? I think I have more serious issues to take care of at the moment, instead of worrying about college.
I grab my phone and check the time and it’s almost time to go. I realize that if I want to, I can grab my stuff and walk away because this is not school anymore and we don’t have the same rules we had when we were little kids. So I just do so; grab my black leather backpack and walk away.
I walk fast through the corridor towards the parking lot, feeling extremely scared. I sigh and breathe as hard as I can because there’s no such thing like air entering my lungs when I am completely nervous.
It appears to be raining so I take a quick run to the car, which is completely the same as if I walked because I am getting extremely soaked; it’s pointless in any way.
“
Please calm down,”
I murmur to myself when I finally get into my car. I hate saying this, but lately I have spent all my time inside this effing car.
I breathe a few times and get even more nervous, I can’t stop trembling, my knees are the shakiest they have ever been and I have reached to the conclusion that I can’t drive this way, though I have to because it’s almost two o’clock.
“
Come on, don’t be pathetic,
” I add minutes later and immediately turn on the engine, get out of the parking lot and start my way to the campus.
During the time I listen to the radio, I don’t know which song is playing but it sounds good to me, although it is kind of odd, I have to admit it is the best song I have heard for ages.
As I am driving I practice how I am going to say hello. I repeat the words “Hey”, “What’s up?” and “Hi” for about twenty times while staring at myself in the rearview mirror, which is not as big as I wish it was, though.
I finally get there, I can feel the adrenaline in my veins, I can sense how terrified I am and how much more I am going to be later on.
He is not waiting for me and I don’t see him either, which is why I step out from the car and just wait. It is actually freezing so I cross my arms to keep me warm.
Minutes later he appears getting off the bus while looking to the floor, kind of hopeless. It makes me feel bad, to be honest. I don’t like that face because it makes me feel
really
guilty.
Theodore sees me and pulls a forced smile, which is completely noticeable and makes me feel even worse than I was before.
“Hi,” I say when he gets closer to me. It is not like the “
hi”
I had practiced in my car, it is another one; a drearier one.
“Hey,” he answers and notices that I am pretty cold. He hands me his jacket while saying, “There you go.”
“Thanks,” I stare at him, kind of speechless. His polite attitude makes me want to punch me in the middle of the face because of the stupid decisions I’ve made.
“Let’s go,” he says while grabbing my hand. I kind of freak out a little bit.
The campus is extremely big, I can’t believe how awesome it is, and it is literally like it is shown in the movies. Everyone is laughing and chatting, the rooms are like small parties and they seem to be enjoying themselves. I wish I could go to campus but on another state or country because being in Boston and living so near college makes everything easier to me and stuff.
Although the walk to Theodore’s room is extremely awkward and weird while holding hands, I try to focus on other things, such as how cool and metallic the elevator looks like or how extremely tidy and clean the floors are.
Room 314.
Room 309.
Room 307.
We finally reach to his room, he opens the door and immediately steps into it. I do the same as his and he closes the door afterwards, he pushes me against it and starts kissing me the toughest he has ever kissed me.
I can barely breathe; I can’t think correctly, I am concentrated on how our tongues are playing together and how strong he is grabbing my waist.
Theo stares at me and kisses me again, I am breathless. I hate this, this is not supposed to happen.
“No. I can’t,” I finally say when he starts kissing my neck, which I love and always will. It is my weakness.
“Why?” he caresses my cheek tenderly, “Tell me what’s wrong, love,” Theo adds. I kind of realize how lovely he looks like when he is just inches away from my face.
“Nothing is wrong, that’s why,” I admit, pushing him away.
“I don’t get it,” he says placing both his hands on the nape of his neck.
“I don’t get it either, I just know that it is the right thing to do,” I try to speak as calm as I can so he can process every single word that comes out from my mouth.
“What do you mean, Cal?” he asks confused.
“This is so wrong,” I answer joyless and then add, “I hate saying this but it’s the truth.”
He approaches me and starts kissing me again, grabbing me by the neck. This time is another type of kiss but I can’t explain it.
“Theodore, don’t,” I speak between kisses.
“What’s wrong? Please tell me,” he yells and his voice sounds unhappy, which hurts every single part of me.
“I hate being in love with you, that’s why I am letting you go.”
“Why, Calypso?” he asks confused, again.
“Because I don’t want to suffer any longer.”
“What did I do?” Theo’s voice starts shaking.
“Nothing, Theodore, you did nothing.”
“I still don’t get it,” his eyes are puffy and watery. I can’t look at him, I can’t do this while looking at him.
“The thing is...” I try to look away, “I’m terrified of loosing you and I can’t live thinking about the possibility of you leaving me.”
“I won’t leave you,” he sits on his bed, placing his arms over his knees and his head on his hands.
“You will, eventually.”
“What makes you think that
I
am gonna leave you?”
“I just do,” I speak.
“You are lying,” he raises his voice and makes me jump a little bit. Later on he adds, “What’s the matter with you?”
“I don’t want to have my heart broken,” I admit.
“And that’s why you are breaking mine?” he cries.
“I am not.”
“Yes, you are, Calypso.”
“I am not.”
“YES.”
“Don’t fucking yell at me,” I speak kind of furious.
“Don’t leave me,” he quickly gets up from bed and adds, “You fucking promised.”
“I can’t stand this,” I start walking to the door, I am about to open it but I can’t. I just can’t leave him but I know it is the right thing to do.
“If you step out of this room you are never gonna see me again,” he dares me.
I stop doing everything I am doing, such as thinking or even breathing, trying to realize what I am doing, also trying to calm the fuck down. I turn around immediately. I realize how much I love him and how much he hurts me.
“Just a reminder, I am not doing this because I want to, I am doing this because I
have
to.”