Authors: Lori Deschene
When we've been doing something for a certain amount of time, we can build up expectations around our performance. We expect ourselves to be self-acceptance ninjas, spreading peace and serenity to all we come into contact with. We expect those emotions on the “negative” end of the spectrum to disappear. But of course it's not like that. I get anxious, I feel resistance, and that's part of what it means to be me. It's part of what it means to be human.
An important part of my journey is learning to accept that those things might never change, and to have respect for my resistance and the many ways it is trying to protect me. Our resistance can be infuriating, frustrating, and downright inconvenient, but it's developed for very good reasons.
When we have respect for ourselves, with patience and compassion, we can handle anything—including resistance.
by Kaylee Rupp
The way you treat yourself sets the standard for others
.
—D
R
. S
ONYA
F
RIEDMAN
In what feels like a previous life, I was a serial dater. I looked for attention, validation, and identification in relationships. Each guy, however wrong for me, seemed like the perfect fit for my empty hand.
Maybe I hated being around his smoking, but I brushed it off and tried to breathe the other way. Maybe our conversations were dull, but I thought it'd get better. Maybe I cringed at being dragged to another party, but I went, because he wanted to see his friends. This pattern continued for years. I stayed in relationships that were clearly wrong for me, dated people I didn't understand and who didn't understand me—just to be in one. It wasn't until an insightful Zen class that I even became aware of the pattern.
As I cozied up in the gently lit room, hot tea in hand, surrounded by kindred spirits, the Zen master began the day's lesson: needs. Huh. I sipped the sweet jasmine tea and listened intently, totally blown away by what our instructor was saying. Needs? What are those? Seriously, they weren't even on my radar. But they should've been. Needs are personal prerequisites to happiness.
We don't learn to pay much attention to our needs beyond the basics of food, water, and shelter. Television advertisements, popular culture, and the desires of others dictate our “needs.” But I'll bet that, on a soul level, you don't
need
a cooler car, a bigger ring, whiter teeth, or more parties. What
do
you need then? Answering this question can be one of the most powerful transformations of your life. It was for me.
After that class, I started paying attention to my needs; and very slowly, I began attending to them. I needed to embrace my introverted nature instead of ignoring it or boozing it out at parties every weekend. I needed alone time—space to dream, think, and be. I needed peace and quiet. Deep conversation. The freedom to spend a Friday night in without guilt.
At first, recognizing these needs was rough. I hated myself for having them; why couldn't I be like the other twenty-one-year-olds? Why did bars overwhelm me? Why couldn't I socialize with his rowdy friends? It drove me nuts. So for a while, I continued to ignore my needs. I thought I'd just override them with more wrong relationships and parties I hated. But eventually, I couldn't ignore them anymore. I came to terms with them. Being aware of my needs was making room for me to actually start taking care of them.
It took years, but I'm finally at the point where I'm comfortable with my needs—and making them known. I'm with a guy now who not only accepts but embraces my introverted nature, so I have time to write, be alone, and spend a Friday night with a book without
ridicule. It's allowed me the space to be more authentically myself, making me happier and more available for all of my relationships.
Maybe you can relate. Do you shove your true needs aside to fit in with what you're supposed to want and do? Do you tend to the needs of others before your own? When was the last time you asked yourself, “What do I need right now?”
The first step in honoring your needs is recognizing that it's not selfish, weak, or dependent. Sometimes we feel this way because we think the needs of others should come first. But how can you be available as your best self for others if you're not taking care of you? When you're happy and taken care of, it's more of a joy than a burden to take care of the needs of others.
It will take some time to get over the negative ideas about having needs, so be gentle and patient with yourself through this process. Just remind yourself that we all have needs, and there's nothing wrong or greedy about having them. On the contrary, it's oh-so-right to take care of them! Recognizing and attending to your needs is part of being good to yourself.
At first, you might not be sure what your needs are. For many of us, they aren't even on the radar. So ask yourself: what are my personal prerequisites for happiness? Not what commercials or your friends are telling you. What is your soul telling you? Do you need more creativity, passion, fun? More time in nature? Less stress?
Once you've started discovering what your needs are, check in with yourself often. Are your needs being met right now? If not, how can you make that happen?
It's tempting to beat yourself up about your needs, like I did. But you can't change them, so why fight them? You might not like what you find at first; that's okay. You don't have to like something to accept it. Just remember that everyone's needs are different. Let go of expectations and embrace whatever comes up for you. This is really a part of accepting yourself for who you are. Your needs are highly personal—a reflection of your authentic self. Being real with your needs means being real with yourself. It means being authentic and honoring you and your whole human experience.
Once you know your needs, the next step is to communicate them to other people. This can be tough. We're afraid of looking selfish or placing burdens on others. Let go of this. By communicating your needs to others, you're creating a mutually respectful environment, one where they'll feel free to express their needs too. So really, telling people what you need is pretty selfless! Just be ready to hear and honor their needs as well. Communicating our needs requires and creates a great deal of respect and authenticity in our relationships. When you're honoring one another's needs, you're creating the opportunity for greater accountability and love.
The last piece of this puzzle is tending to your needs, and it's the most important part. This step also takes time. You don't need to do
a radical overhaul; start small. If you're a closet introvert like I was, try saying no to one party invite and enjoy that quiet time—guilt free. Baby steps will build you up to the point where your needs become priorities. Before you start feeling selfish, remember: when you're practicing stellar self-care, you're becoming more authentic and available for your relationships.
I won't pretend that these steps are easy. They're not. It took me a long time to get to the point where I'm aware and taking care of my needs, and sometimes I still screw up. It's always a journey. But it's a journey that's so worth it. They always are, aren't they?
So embrace the challenge, honor yourself, and attend to your needs for greater authenticity, self-love, and presence on this beautiful journey.
by Stephen Light
You don't have to worry about burning bridges if you're building your own
.
—K
ERRY
E. W
AGNER
“I aim to please. It's okay, no worries. Please don't worry, it's no big deal.” These are some things I've said when interacting with others. The truth is that it wasn't okay, and it was inconveniencing me. But I could never voice this to people. What if they didn't like me? I was taught to be polite and to respect my elders, so I considered it rude to tell someone that what they are asking for or what they are doing is actually not okay. I also didn't want to create any unnecessary problems or conflict.
I always seemed to end up doing things I didn't want to do, or helping people with things that they should do themselves. I would get frustrated and annoyed and end up taking it out on those people who are close to me. Why did I do this?
I was sitting in an aisle seat on an airplane once when a man asked me if I wouldn't mind swapping with him. His friend was sitting next to me and he wanted to talk to him. The problem was that this guy's original seat was near the back and was a middle seat. I didn't want to do it, and yet I did. I reluctantly smiled and said,
“Sure, no worries.” I then sat in the middle seat on the flight between two very large passengers, feeling cramped and annoyed. This is when it all started going wrong.
It never rains but it pours. The passenger in the window seat wanted to go to the bathroom, so there was a lot of climbing in and out of the seats. I just smiled and said, “No problem.” The meal cart arrived, and because we were at the back, they had run out of the vegetarian choice, so I had nothing to eat. I just said, “Not to worry.” My bag was in the compartment above my original seat, so I couldn't just stand up and get my book. The guy next to me was reading the paper, and it was draped into my space. I couldn't really say anything, because, as you know, reading a newspaper in the confines of an airplane is difficult, and he was trying. The other guy next to me was hogging the middle arm rest. My justification was that he was a big guy and he was cramped. What a shame.
I was fuming inside because I did not stand up for myself and what I wanted. I started blaming the guy who was sitting in my original seat for how I was feeling. If he had just stayed in his seat then none of this would have happened. This was the story of my life.
The truth is, I was a people pleaser and didn't like others to be inconvenienced. I would rather be inconvenienced than have someone else have to go through that. I had learned from an early age to teach people how to treat me. I was teaching them that it was okay to take advantage of me because deep down inside I believed I was not enough.
My key insights that pushed me to change were:
I heard a simple statement that helped me realize that conflict is natural and a given: “Conflict is a natural disagreement resulting from individuals or groups that differ in attitudes, beliefs, values or needs.” The world is full of conflict, and it will never go away. I just had to learn to deal effectively with it when it came up.
My inner emotional state needed to be able to handle conflict without taking things personally and getting upset. I started seeing conflict as good, as it allowed me to speak my truth. I learned that I was not responsible for how others felt about my choices as long as I was not being selfish or offending. I started standing up for myself, and my experiences shifted.
I had to realize that my needs were important, as they expressed my inner desires. If I wanted to start living a great life, I had to start living it for me. This meant making my choices real by voicing them. This did not mean that others' needs weren't as important. It just meant that I gave a voice to my needs, which I had never done before. This was not easy, as I had to change.
I wanted people to know what was important to me. I needed to be able to take responsibility for expressing my needs. I needed to change how I spoke. I wrote down all the things I used to say that put my needs second, and I wrote out a list of ways of expressing my needs so they were first. Then I practiced saying these statements, which made them real. A few examples include:
People resisted this new me, and there were some people who didn't like it. But instead of rejecting them for not accepting me, I loved them harder. I just tried to make sure they understood that these were choices for me and not against them.
The result is I started seeing myself as being enough. When I recognized this and started behaving in this way, the world responded by starting to see me as being enough, too. We have to accept ourselves to be accepted by others, and we have to teach people how to treat us. We deserve to be treated like the amazing, beautiful souls we are.
1. Nurture yourself from the inside out
.
While it's healthy to keep active—spending time with friends, doing activities you enjoy, and taking care of your body through exercise—these things are far less effective if you're neglecting your inner world to do them. Make a list of things you need to do for your emotional well-being—journaling, relaxing with your iPod, or practicing deep breathing, for example. Then schedule and prioritize them. Truly taking care of yourself requires you to work from the inside out.
2. Be gentle with yourself if you experience resistance.
Being hard on yourself won't make it any easier to do the things you know are good for you. All this does is create unnecessary stress. Instead, have patience and compassion for yourself. Recognize that your resistance is trying to serve you, even if it's misguided. Once you stop blaming yourself and beating yourself up for struggling, it will be easier to learn from your resistance and then work through it.
3. Make a list of your top needs
.
What do you need to feel emotionally balanced? What do you need to feel connected to yourself? What do you need to feel
physically well? Get it all down on paper, without judging it or comparing it to someone else's needs. You may require a good amount of alone time for introspection, or social time for connection, or time to engage in your hobbies and passions. Once you know your prerequisites for happiness, you can design a life that honors them.