To Be a Family (Harlequin Superromance) (15 page)

Katie stared. Where was this coming from? Had John talked to
his mother about their relationship? She agreed John had changed. But
life-and-death situations often had that effect. How did Alison think
she’d
felt?

“I am not responsible for his playboy lifestyle!”

“You broke his heart when you wouldn’t reconcile. Now you’ve
wormed your way into his life through Tuti. If you hurt him again—”

“He left me when I needed him most.
He
broke
my
heart.”

No question about it now, Alison’s earlier display of affection
had been completely phony. It hurt all the more because the affection between
them used to be genuine. Oh, why hadn’t she stayed home and worked on her book?
If she’d done that she wouldn’t be having this conversation.

“Really? Then why hasn’t he ever married and had a proper
family?”

“I don’t know.” She shook her head, hurt and bewildered.
“You’re being unfair.”

Alison walked out, clearly not prepared to listen to any more.
Katie sat very still, her hands clenched in her lap. How could Alison have said
those things? They were untrue—they had to be, calculated to hurt her. She
hadn’t damaged John. It was unthinkable.

“Katie, there you are!” Sonya appeared in the open door. “Come
on. We’re singing happy birthday.” She hustled Katie back to the backyard. A
plate with cake and a glass of champagne were pressed into her hands.

Smiling faces were all around but she was close to tears. Could
Alison be right? Had she ruined John’s life? In focusing on getting and staying
well had she been that self-absorbed that she hadn’t noticed he was hurting?

She slipped away from the group to a quiet corner of the yard
separated by a hedge and sat on the wide swing made for two beneath a big old
oak tree. She and John used to sit here on moonlit nights....

As if she’d conjured him, he came around the hedge.

CHAPTER TEN

“A
HA
, I
FIGURED
YOU
would have gone into hiding by now. Tuti really likes those
cats. Are they from Bali?”

“What? Oh, yes, they are.” She kept her face averted. Her
emotions were close to the surface.

He walked around the swing and bent to narrow his gaze at her.
“What’s wrong? Did my mother say something to upset you?”

Katie knew better than to criticize his mother. He could
complain about her all he liked but he wouldn’t appreciate her doing it. “It’s
no big deal.”

John sat next to her on the swing. “Tell me.”

Fearing she might cry for all she’d had, and lost, not just
John and his family, but the core of who she thought she was, she took a deep
shaky breath. Still she couldn’t speak.

John took her hand. His grip was warm and comforting, his thigh
and shoulder pressed against hers. “What did Mother do?”

“Did I break your heart?” she blurted. “Am I the reason you
haven’t found someone else and married?”

He swore under his breath. “Is that what she told you?”

“Basically.”

“Don’t listen to her.” He pasted on a jaunty grin. “Do I look
like a guy with a broken heart?”

Taking his question seriously, Katie studied him in the dappled
green light filtering through the oak tree. She saw shallow creases between his
eyebrows and a mouth that used to laugh a lot more than it did now. She saw that
something intangible was missing in his eyes. “You look like a man who hasn’t
found what he’s looking for.”

His smile faded. “Maybe I haven’t. But look, stuff happens.” He
glanced down at her hand, still nestled in his. In a low voice he asked, “Did I
break your heart?”

Her voice was even quieter. “You know you did.”

“Maybe we weren’t ready, have you ever thought of that? You
were only a couple of years out of university, in your first teaching job. As
for me, surfing wasn’t panning out and I had no idea what else I wanted to do
with my life. Then when you got sick, I was scared. Scared of having to watch
you die. The way we all watched your mother die.”

“I—”

“But you know what I think? I think your cancer was just a
smoke screen, a scapegoat for our breakup—although you made some dumb decisions
about your health. Still are, in my opinion.” He held up a hand. “I know. I have
no right to tell you how to live your life.”

Not if they weren’t together. Because being committed meant
compromise. She’d compromised by going with chemo and radiation therapy when
she’d really wanted to pursue unproved, alternative therapies. What concessions
had he made? “How could my cancer be a scapegoat? You just said that’s why you
left. You couldn’t deal with my illness.”

“Even before you got sick you couldn’t commit to marrying me.
Then when you were sick, you wouldn’t do everything possible to get well for us.
At least that’s how it appeared to me.” He gazed down at their linked hands.
“Sounds selfish to me now. Selfish people aren’t ready to get married.”

“If we truly loved each other what does timing matter?” she
said. “If you truly loved me you would have stuck around no matter what.”

“I did love you. I just don’t think you loved me enough to do
everything in your power to stay alive.”

How long would he have loved her if she didn’t have any
breasts? A virile twenty-seven-year-old surfer surrounded by buxom blondes in
bikinis? Even after all these years she feared the answer so much she couldn’t
ask the question. There was no point in asking. How could a person reply to that
truthfully?

“People grow and change,” he maintained. “What works at one
stage of life doesn’t necessarily hold true for always.”

“So me getting sick saved us from the heartbreak of marrying
too young and regretting it later. Is that what you’re saying?”

His gaze was steady. “Maybe.”

She felt sick to her stomach. He’d just confirmed everything
she’d always suspected. He hadn’t believed in their love the way she had. He
hadn’t
loved her enough. Maybe that’s
why
she hadn’t been able to commit.

And yet, she had to acknowledge that she must not have believed
in his love if she’d thought he would leave her for a hot surfer chick if she
was disfigured.

“Why did you kiss me the other day? Are you playing with me?
The way you’ve been playing with women for the past seven years? I’m not like
those women.”

“I know that. You kissed me back, don’t forget.”

“Reflexive action.”

“Oh, yeah? How long do you want to keep me dangling on this
hook, Katie? Because I’m over it.”

“Dangling? I’ve been clear all along I didn’t want a
relationship.”

“Yet you haven’t found anyone else, either. As long as you are
available…” He shook his head. “I don’t know what I’m saying. You’re right. You
were clear. We’re over.”

Exactly what she’d been saying for seven years. So why did it
hurt coming from him?
Had
she kept him dangling,
secretly liking that he flirted with her, as if, should she change her mind, she
could have him whenever she wanted? Her own motives were as confusing to her as
his.

“Why did you kiss me if you didn’t want to deepen our
relationship?” She needed to hear him say she meant something to him. Because,
like it or not, she was getting in deeper. And she wanted him to go there with
her.

“Because you looked beautiful in the porch light. Because your
mouth trembled just…” He touched the corner of her lips. “There. Because you
were in pain but pretending not to be. You were sweet and strong and
vulnerable.” His eyes bored into hers. “I want to kiss you again right now.”

He slid his arm behind her and grabbed the rope on her other
side. Then leaned in and pressed his lips against hers. Her lips parted and she
tasted champagne on his tongue. The sun burned through the leaves onto her
forehead, shoulder and thigh. As the seconds passed all sensation faded but the
movement of their mouths together, the slow dance of their tongues, his hand
molding her breast…

She didn’t hold back but opened herself to his kiss, moving her
hands up his shoulders to loop around his neck. She leaned in, showing him there
was still a spark. More than a spark. Desire flared, hot and sweet.

He drew back, his eyes hot and serious. “Oh, Katie.”

Her heart was pounding. It felt as if they were on the cusp of
something important. If only they had the courage to make the leap from dancing
around feelings to declaring them.

From the leafy branches of the tree came a giggle.

“What was that?” Katie asked, craning her neck.

“Tuti,” John said, sliding off the swing. “Is that you?”

Tuti poked her head out of the leaves and giggled again.

“Come down from there.” John dragged a hand down his face.
“Jeez. That kid.”

There was a rustling and a second later Tuti swung down from a
lower branch and dropped to the ground. A leaf was stuck in her hair and her
pink party dress was dusted with bits of bark.

“You little monkey.” Laughing, John tried to grab her.

She scampered away, giggling, and disappeared around the
hedge.

John let her go. “At least she came down this time when I asked
her to.” He returned to the swing again and pushed off, setting them in
motion.

Katie clutched the rope to keep her balance, leaning back to
look up at the layers of green. Like the leaves on the tree a million questions
surrounded their relationship. But they all boiled down to the one thing. Did
she want to take a chance on falling in love with him again? Oh, who was she
kidding? She was already falling in love with him. The real question was, should
she say something?

“Stop, I’m getting dizzy.”

“Pansy ass.” But he stopped pumping. Gradually the swing
slowed.

There was no easy answer. The intense moment following the kiss
had passed without clarifying matters. In the aftermath she was only more
confused about her feelings. And his. He’d more or less confirmed that he hadn’t
found what he was looking for. But why, when he seemed to have it all, at least
on the career front?

“I never congratulated you on making senior sergeant and
becoming the big cheese around the Summerside Police Department.”

If he was surprised at the change of subject he didn’t let on.
Maybe he was relieved. “That happened over a year ago.”

“We haven’t talked much.”

He threw her a glance as if to say,
Whose
fault is that?

“So, do you like the position?” she persisted.

His gaze turned wary. “What made you bring that up? Has Riley
said something?”

“No.” Why was he so cagey? Had she touched on a nerve? “It’s
just not the sort of job I ever envisaged you doing.”

He started the swing going again, gently. “I like being a cop.
I probably wouldn’t mind being a detective. But just between you and me,
paperwork sucks big-time.”

“Tell me about it. I love teaching but administration tasks eat
up more and more of classroom time. But you’re running your own show. Can’t you
delegate or something?”

“To who? To get back on active duty I’d need to move to an even
smaller station in the outback where I could be chief cook and bottle-washer.”
His head lifted, as if he was actually considering it and could smell the
freedom of it.

Katie felt oddly panicky at the thought of John not living in
Summerside. He’d always been here. He was a fixture. Who would keep the town
safe if he wasn’t in charge? “Would you do that? Leave Summerside and your
family and friends?”

“I don’t know.” He started swinging again. “There’s Tuti to
think of now. And also—” He stopped to look at her, searching her face.

“Also…?” Was he going to say something about them? Did she want
him to? Yes, her heart cried. No, her mind responded. He’d basically said it
himself—they’d grown up and moved on. It was too late for them. Wasn’t it?

While she waited, breath held, he glanced away and the moment
passed.

When he spoke again, his voice was neutral and even. “What
about you? Are you going to continue teaching now that you’ve got a big book
contract?”

“It’s too soon to quit my day job. I have no idea if I’ll make
enough money to support myself. In some ways I’d love to write full-time. But
I’m afraid I’d miss teaching.”

“You work too hard.”

“Yes, and I should be getting back to it.” She glanced at her
watch. “Weekends are the only time I can put in long periods of uninterrupted
writing.”

“Don’t go yet.” He touched her arm. “We’re going to play
cricket with the kids.”

She laughed. “I can hardly run around on the grass.”

“You could keep score.” Lightly, he stroked her cheek. “Stay.
Please? Tuti would like it. I would like it.”

While she dithered, lost in his eyes, a woman came around the
hedge. Tall and willowy, with flowing blond hair, she glanced at Katie briefly
then her gaze rested on John. “Are you John? Paula sent me to find you. Your
mother wants to get the cricket game going and for you to organize the
kids.”

“Sure,” John said easily, turning on the dimples. “This is
Katie. You must be one of Paula’s Carlton friends.”

“That’s right. I’m Candice,” the woman said, flicking her hair
back. “How did you guess?”

“I’m a cop. Must be my training.”

Katie stared at him.
Oh, please
.
Anyone John didn’t know was unlikely to be local. Anyone who was a friend of
Paula’s most likely came from Carlton, where she’d lived before Summerside. This
wasn’t detective work; this was…flirting.

“Let me guess....” John looked Candice up and down, tapping a
finger to his chin. “Senior Constable?”

Katie almost snorted in disgust. Since Paula was a cop, her
friends were most likely cops. Too easy.

“Wrong.” The blonde threw her head back and laughed. “I’m a
massage therapist. Paula and I went through an intensive course together.”

“Interesting,” John murmured. “Do you play cricket?”

“I love cricket,” Candice said.

This had gone on long enough. Katie rose suddenly. The swing
tipped. John slid off the wooden board. “Oh, look at the time. I’ve got to
go.”

“Katie?” John scrambled to find his feet.

“You go ahead and play cricket. I need to work, anyway.” Katie
limped over to her crutches propped against the tree. She couldn’t compete with
a blonde, beautiful, cricket-playing massage therapist. Nor did she want to try.
John was only hanging out with her to kill time or because he felt guilty about
his mother’s rudeness or because he wanted to keep in her good books for Tuti’s
sake....

“Katie, come back,” John called. “You can watch.”

“No, that’s all right.” He meant watch the cricket but what
she’d really be watching if she stuck around was John flirting with Candice. She
shouldn’t mind—he was a free agent and she was used to him carrying on.

But she did mind. The green-eyed monster had taken her over.
Had she really thought he might want to renew their relationship? Ridiculous.
He’d as much as said he’d only kissed her on impulse. He’d simply had another
impulse today. She wasn’t his type, never had been, even though she’d tried to
keep up. He was a people person. She needed alone time. He was a natural
athlete. She struggled with most athletics.

As she moved away, she glanced over her shoulder. He was
standing by the swing, looking torn. If he had any feeling for her at all, even
friendship enough not to want to see her humiliated, he would come after
her.

“Your girlfriend is leaving. Aren’t you going after her?”
Candice’s amused voice carried across the lawn.

“She’s not actually—” He groaned. “Katie, wait up.”

* * *

K
ATIE
FLUNG
THE
crutches forward, felt them bite into the soft ground and swung forward
a giant step. No, she wasn’t his girlfriend. That’s the way she wanted it. But
hearing it come out of his mouth, to an attractive woman he’d just been flirting
with, was infuriating.