To Be a Family (Harlequin Superromance) (22 page)

“I’m fine. I just need a day to myself, clear my head.”

“Things not going well with Katie?”

“You never liked her much, did you?”

“I adored her until she hurt you.” Alison paused. “But even I
have to admit, you’ve been happier this past month than I’ve seen you in years.
Or maybe Tuti has caused the change.”

“Tuti’s part of it. But so is Katie. I feel as if I’ve grown up
at the ripe old age of thirty-five, if that makes any sense. Katie doesn’t know
it but it’s partly because of her that I applied for the job in Tinman Island. I
wanted a fresh start.” He gave a bitter chuckle. “Ironic considering the job
might separate us.”

Alison leaned on the doorjamb and gave him a commiserating
look. “She won’t go with you?”

“She’s afraid we’re not compatible. And she doesn’t trust me
after what happened seven years ago. We had a fight at the beach house and now
she thinks that’s the end because I didn’t make up the way she thinks we should
make up. I didn’t talk things through and resolve the issues in minute
detail.”

His mother shook her head. “If your father and I split up every
time we had a fight we wouldn’t have lasted a week.” She paused. “Although I
must say, it bothers me that your dad won’t talk things through. I know it looks
as if I don’t either but I would if I had any other choice. Your father thinks
having sex is conflict resolution. Women need words, we need reassurance.”

“Hmm.” John winced a little, partly because her words hit home
and partly because he didn’t want to talk to his mother about her sex life. Or
his. “She’s scared I’ll let her down again. I don’t know what I can do to prove
that I won’t.”

“There’s nothing you can do. She either believes in you or she
doesn’t. She either knows you well enough by now…or she never will.”

“Do you think I should stay in Summerside for her sake?”

“I think you need to do what
you
want.”

“Isn’t marriage about compromise?”

“Yes, but with Katie…will anything you do ever be enough?”

“You’re good at answering questions with questions,” he said,
frustrated.

Alison gave him a hug. “I can’t tell you what to do. What if
I’m wrong? Take all the time you need for surfing. Tuti and I will be fine.” She
hesitated. “One thing I do give Katie credit for—she taught me how to relate
better to Tuti.”

John got back in his vehicle, his surfboard strapped to the
roof rack, and headed for the beach. It occurred to him halfway there that Katie
had done the same for him.

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

A
T
G
UNNAMATTA
SURF
beach John paddled out
beyond the breaking waves to where three other surfers sat on their boards,
waiting for a big one. A stiff breeze whipped the frothy tops off the waves.
Gulls wheeled overhead. He’d barely gotten into position when a wall of blue
water rose up behind him. Facedown on his board, he paddled and kicked, picking
up speed. Then the wave lifted his board. He got to his knees and then into a
crouch, arms outspread.

As he skimmed along the crest of the wave, he savored the wind
in his hair, the fresh salt spray on his face. Water had always been healing for
him. Something about the leveling nature of water and the vastness of the ocean
put his problems in perspective.

He rode the wave all the way to shore, hopping off as the water
turned to foam on the sand. Then he paddled back out and did it all over
again.

Around midafternoon the waves petered out. He was ready to
break for lunch then anyway. He bought fish and chips from the kiosk and went
back to his towel on the sand. With nothing between him and his thoughts, he
stared out to sea.

What was he going to do about Katie? He’d tried so hard for so
many years. Maybe she was right and their core beliefs were too different to
mesh over the long term. But he’d held on to the hope of being with her all
these years, even when he thought he just wanted to be her friend. Truth was,
he’d never stopped loving her, and that hoping had become a habit.

She was the only thing in his life he’d ever lost that he truly
cared about. Except for Katie’s mother, Mary, but that wasn’t the same. Maybe by
trying to have a relationship with Katie, he’d held her back from moving on and
building a life without him.

They certainly had different beliefs when it came to parenting.
She was by the book. He was all about instinct. That applied to other areas of
their lives. She was controlled, cautious, constantly hedging her bets with
vitamins and health foods. Oh, he made sure he ate fairly well and got plenty of
exercise but she was fanatical about it. He had to admit, though, she did take
good care of herself even if it wasn’t the way he would do it. With Tuti, Katie
relied on what the experts said instead of her own excellent instincts. She just
didn’t trust herself to do the right thing naturally. No, that wasn’t quite
true. She thought there was one correct method and she had to do that or else
disaster would strike. Not only that, everyone else had to abide by the correct
“rules” whatever they were. Whereas he was more a play-it-by-ear kind of
guy.

He drained the last of his cola and crumpled the can in one
hand. So where did that leave him? He didn’t want to make her unhappy.

But he did want a family. Since Tuti had come into his life
he’d realized just how much he liked children. To be honest, at first he’d
resented her presence in his life, turning his bachelor pad upside down. Now he
couldn’t imagine being without her. Her rapid and deep attachment to Katie
wasn’t surprising—she’d just lost her mother and Katie, while not a substitute,
was a warm and caring woman who loved children, and Tuti in particular. Maybe he
shouldn’t have let Tuti get so close to Katie but in hindsight it was hard to
see how he could have avoided that.

Katie didn’t want to leave Summerside. He couldn’t blame her
for that. She wasn’t the same as him, didn’t have the same need for physical
challenge and adventure. To her the pleasures of life came from more homey
pursuits. If she couldn’t come with him maybe she didn’t love him enough.

But it wasn’t about Tinman Island versus Summerside. If he
truly thought they had a chance he would stay here and find his challenges in
another form. No, their problems went deeper. She didn’t trust him. He suspected
that nothing he did, no amount of time, would fix that. He had to stop trying to
reel her in like a fish on a line. As long as he was around she could blame him
for whatever demons she was avoiding.

He’d vowed not to give up, to do whatever it took to bring her
into his life. But if that wasn’t what she wanted, he couldn’t keep after her.
Maybe he needed to let Katie go. Let her take her own path and hope that she
found whatever she was seeking.

Having come to that conclusion, an ache started deep inside.
She’d been part of his life since he was a child. Knowing it was over for good
was like ripping out his heart.

Life went on. Look at Tuti. She’d shown resilience in the face
of grief. Her mother had passed away but she’d soldiered on. He would, too.
Somehow.

But when he thought about never holding Katie again, never
seeing her eyes open to his in the morning, never hearing her laugh reverberate
through his breastbone, never feel her move against him in the night. Never see
her hold their newborn baby…

He knuckled away the moisture in his eyes and tried to suck air
past the huge lump lodged in his chest. It would be all the worse seeing her on
the streets of Summerside knowing his last chance had come and gone.

But he had to do it. He had to let Katie go. Ironically he
needed to talk to her about it, needed her to know she didn’t have to be torn
anymore.

He pulled out his phone from his backpack and punched in her
number. She answered and the sound of her voice lifted his spirits, as always,
until he remembered why he was calling. “Would you have dinner with me tonight?”
She started to demure and he quickly added, “Don’t worry, I’m not going to
pressure you about the move. I just want to talk.”

She said yes. He put his phone away.

The wind had shifted. John scanned the horizon. Waves were
rolling in with an east-west break. He had time for a few more sets before he
had to leave to meet Katie. First he made another quick call to check in with
his mother. She was delighted to have Tuti a little longer.

He hoped Katie would find love someday.

He hoped he could bear to watch and be happy for her. It should
be easier from the distance of the Tinman Island.

* * *

J
OHN
ARRIVED
AT
the exclusive waterfront
restaurant first to make sure he got the table he’d reserved, next to the window
with the best view of the bay. This goodbye celebration would be bittersweet. It
was a new beginning for both of them. But it was also the end of a very long
chapter in their lives.

Hearing footsteps behind him, he got to his feet.

Katie looked beautiful in a cherry-red dress that suited her
dark coloring so well and highlighted her curves. He took both her hands and
kissed her on the cheek, inhaling her special fragrance. “Thanks for
coming.”

She smiled up at him and turned her face to kiss him on the
lips. Now he saw the shadows beneath her eyes and the tired lines at the corners
of her mouth. She glanced around at the white linen, the bottle of champagne
chilling in the ice bucket. “Are we celebrating something?”

He signaled to the waiter, who came over and popped the cork.
John and Katie sat in silence while he poured. Somehow the gaiety associated
with champagne now seemed wrong.

John raised his fizzing glass to Katie’s. “To good times.
And…good memories.”

She set down her glass without drinking. “Did you hear
something?”

“I got the job.”

She froze.

“Plus the funding for the Summerside station expansion came
through. Work can start next month.”

“What are you going to do?”

He hadn’t been one hundred percent certain until that very
moment. Now he knew. For years he’d stayed in Summerside for her sake, not
marrying, not moving on. He couldn’t do it any longer. Nor could he accept a
halfhearted love that always second-guessed his motives. If they were going to
have a future together she had to make that leap of faith. For him to trust in
her
love it was time for her to compromise. And
he couldn’t ask her again. She had to offer.

“I’m going to Tinman Island.” He searched her face. “It’s
really happening.”

Katie opened her mouth. For one heart-stopping moment he
thought she was going to say she’d changed her mind and wanted to come with him.
Then she made a choking sound, burst into tears and ran from the dining
room.

He found her on the beach below the restaurant. Her heeled
sandals dangled from her hands as she waded through the shallows near the pier.
Tear tracks streaked her cheeks.

“Katie.” He folded her in his arms. “My love.”

“I’m so sorry, John. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

“Shh. There’s nothing wrong with you.” He stroked her hair. He
was pretty sure the rending in his ears was the sound of his heart breaking.
“I’m not pressuring you, or trying to force a love that wasn’t meant to be. We
gave it our best shot. This past month with you has been amazing. We’ll part
friends. Someday when we both have other partners and families we’ll be able to
look back on this time with affection and maybe relief at a narrow escape.”

She turned in his arms. “Is that what saying goodbye to me is,
a relief?”

He hadn’t thought about it but now that he did.... “Not relief,
exactly. But I’m at peace with our decision.”

“
Our
decision,” she murmured.

“Well, you decided first. I just caught up with you.”

“Did I decide? I’m so tired. I can’t think straight. I don’t
know what I feel.”

“Don’t feel. Don’t think.” He wiped the moisture from beneath
her eyes with the pads of his thumbs. “Come back into the restaurant. Have
something to eat. I’ll bet you haven’t been eating properly this week as well as
not sleeping enough. Am I right? That rabbit food you subsist on wouldn’t keep
body and soul together.”

“Rabbit food—” she began in outrage. Then seeing he was teasing
she swatted his shoulder. “Oh, you. I
am
hungry.”

“Come on then. Before the champagne goes flat.”

Dinner was hardly a joyous occasion but John thought it went as
well as could be expected. They spoke about keeping in touch. At least he did.
Katie said very little and seemed fragile, her smile forced.

Afterward he walked her to her car. “You don’t look too well.
Would you like me to drive you home? I can pick you up tomorrow morning to
retrieve your car.”

“No, I’ll be fine. Sorry I wasn’t better company.” She blinked
and glanced away. When she looked back, her voice was steadier. “When do you
leave?”

“The District Commissioner for Queensland is keen to get me up
there as soon as possible. I’m going next week.”

Her face dropped. “That soon.”

“It makes sense to get Tuti started in her new school at the
beginning of the term.”

“How does she feel about it?”

John shrugged and scraped the toe of his shoe on the pavement.
“I told her she could get a puppy.”

“Typical parental response to cushion a child from a traumatic
situation,” Katie said drily.

He bristled. “I suppose you think it’s a mistake?”

Katie smiled wanly. “I think she’ll love having a puppy.”

Well, he was glad she’d finally conceded he could do something
right with regard to Tuti’s upbringing.

“I’d like to see her before you go,” she added.

“Of course. She would be devastated if she didn’t get to say
goodbye.” A lump filled his throat. “I want to thank you for everything you’ve
done for her—”

“Don’t.” Katie held up a hand. “I would have done it for any
child in my class but especially for…” her voice broke “…a child of yours.”

He was struck mute after that, awash in pain. He kissed her
forehead and helped her into her car. Then he waited in the parking spot until
her Honda had climbed the hill and disappeared around the bend.

He walked slowly across the pavement to his car. At least he no
longer had to wonder where he and Katie were going. The answer was, nowhere.

* * *

K
ATIE
DROVE
HOME
on
autopilot. She was numb from her hair right down to her toes.

This was for the best
. Being free
of John was what she’d wanted all along. She no longer had to worry about his
feelings or whether he was teasing her or flirting.

She could get on with her life.

He could get on with his.

So why did she feel so awful?

She was losing Tuti. That thought brought forth a wail from
deep inside. If she could have banged her head on the steering wheel without
going off the road, she would have.

She thumped the wheel with her fist instead. She was going to
miss that little cutie-pie. John was making a mistake taking Tuti away from her
new home and everyone who’d come to love her. Of course Tuti would still have
him. And she thought he was a good father, despite some of the things she’d
said. Why hadn’t she ever told him that?

She parked in her carport and went inside. The house felt empty
and way too quiet. Funny, she’d never noticed that before. She was used to
living alone and the quiet didn’t usually bother her. In fact she liked silence.
At least she used to—until John and Tuti had filled her life with laughter.

She changed out of her dress and into her track pants, at a
loose end now that her book was finished. The next book was hanging over her
head but she didn’t have to start on it today, not when the bottom had just
dropped out of her world.

Maybe
she
should get a puppy.
Something warm to come home to, to cuddle her and give her unconditional love.
The kind of love she’d wanted from John.

She slumped onto the couch. The beautiful dinner John had
treated her to sat heavily in her stomach.

He was at peace. Well, that was nice for him. She was all
churned up inside.

You wanted him to leave you
alone
.